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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
mustafabay
Joined: Sep 27, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Egypt
PM |
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:
- As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.
- Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
- Strike while the... bug is close.
- It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
- Never underestimate the power of... termites.
- You can lead a horse to water but... how?
- Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
- No news is... impossible.
- A miss is as good as a... Mr.
- You can't teach an old dog new... math.
- If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
- Love all, trust... me.
- The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
- An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
- Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.
- Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!
- A penny saved is... not much.
- Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
- Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
- None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
- Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
- If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
- You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
- When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
- There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.
I don't want a signature anymore. | |
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scottt
Joined: Aug 22, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: North Yorkshire
PM |
A man goes into a chemist one Friday morning and says to guy behind the counter 'OK, I have 3 stunning work colleagues coming round tonight and I need something to help me satisfy all 3, all weekend, do you have anything?'
The chemist reaches under the counter, and pulls out some extra strength Viagra 'This should do the trick', to which the man grins, pays and leaves.
Monday morning, the chemist recognises his first customer, its the man from Friday, and asks him how his weekend went.
The man replies 'Just look at this', and drops his trousers, revealing a battered and bruised penis, sores all over it, bleeding, then asks 'Do you sell Deep Heat?'
The chemist replies 'We do but you can't put it on that!'
The man says 'Oh no, its for my shoulder, they never came round in the end!'
I  my 32GB iPhone 3GS  |
jack77777
Joined: Apr 11, 2006
Posts: > 500
From: uk/england.
PM |
a man walks into a bar with a girafe he has a pint then walks out the bar tender shouts hey u cant leave that lyin there then the man says its not a lion its a girafe. |
axxxr
Joined: Mar 21, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Londinium
PM, WWW
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woman asks man! 
\"I'm hungry.\" = I'm hungry.
\"I'm sleepy.\" = I'm sleepy.
\"I'm tired.\" = I'm tired.
\"Do you want to go to a movie?\" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
\"Can I take you out to dinner?\" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
\"Can I call you sometime?\" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
\"May I have this dance?\" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
\"Nice dress!\" = Nice cleavage!
\"You look tense, let me give you a massage.\" = I want to fondle you.
(while shopping) \"I like that one better.\" = Pick any freakin dress and let's go home!
\"What's wrong?\" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
\"What's wrong?\" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
\"What's wrong?\" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
\"I'm bored.\" = Do you want to have sex?
\"I love you.\" = Let's have sex now.
\"I love you, too.\" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
\"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.\" = I liked it better before.
\"Let's talk.\" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
\"Will you marry me?\" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
[addsig] |
Uncle Bob
Joined: Nov 27, 2003
Posts: 202
From: Englandshire
PM |
A train hits a busload of catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They all wind up in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl is pushing her way to the front of the queue. When she reaches the front St. Peter says, "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her arse in it."
Brevior saltare cum deformibus mulieribus est vita |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
ROTFLMAO  |
Uncle Bob
Joined: Nov 27, 2003
Posts: 202
From: Englandshire
PM |
Two Essex blondes walk into Harrods, they walk up to the perfumery and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it onto her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?" "Yeah Shaz. what's it called?". "Viens a moi, Trace". "What the hell does that mean?" At this moment the sales girl offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for come to me". Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracy saying ....." That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"
Brevior saltare cum deformibus mulieribus est vita |
EastCoastStar
Joined: Dec 07, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: orlando fl US
PM |
A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart
Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they
really look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
Its good to be back! |
pmerryman
Joined: Jun 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Oldham,Uk
PM |
54 and 18
>>> >> >
>>> >> > Husband wrote the following letter for his wife
>>> >> > and left it on the
>>> >> > dining room table:
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> > "To My Dear Wife,
>>> >> >
>>> >> > You will surely understand that I have certain
>>> >> > needs that you, being
>>> >> > 54
>>> >> > years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy
>>> >> > with you and I value
>>> >> > you
>>> >> > as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this
>>> >> > letter, I hope that you
>>> >> > will
>>> >> > not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
>>> >> > spending the evening with
>>> >> > my
>>> >> > 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
>>> >> > Please don't be upset -
>>> >> > I
>>> >> > shall be home before midnight."
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> > When the man came home late that night, he found
>>> >> > the following letter
>>> >> > on
>>> >> > the dining room table:
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> > "My Dear Husband,
>>> >> >
>>> >> > I received your letter and thank you for your
>>> >> > honesty about my being
>>> >> > 54
>>> >> > years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
>>> >> > remind you that you
>>> >> > are
>>> >> > also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher
>>> >> > at our local
>>> >> > college.
>>> >> > I would like to inform you that while you read this,
>>> >> > I will be at the
>>> >> > Hotel
>>> >> > Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also
>>> >> > the assistant
>>> >> > tennis
>>> >> > coach.
>>> >> >
>>> >> > He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is
>>> >> > 18 years old. As a
>>> >> > successful businessman who has an excellent
>>> >> > knowledge of Math, you will
>>> >> > understand that we are in the same situation,
>>> >> > although with one small
>>> >> > difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than
>>> >> > 54 goes into 18.
>>> >> > Therefore, I will not be home until sometime
>>> >> > tomorrow."
One Day, Men Will Look Back And Say I Gave Birth To The 20th Century. You have to have a piss in the sea, its the law. The A-Z of Trusted Traders[img]http://a-zott.com/images/A-Z |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and
raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention.
She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the
bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink."
She gets her drink and goes away.
Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her
and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink."
She gets her drink and goes away again.
The bartender asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina
given that she is a stranger and has never been in the bar before.
The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift
her leg that high." |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to
tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old
house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good
stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams
the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can
buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old
scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a
scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.
The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only
6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good,
12-year-old scotch."
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality,
12-year-old scotch.
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire
episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass
down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out
the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"
The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the
sink, or else...
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents
down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise
with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the
whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured
the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink
out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down
the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one
hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the
other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one
bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.
I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I
don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I
get.
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-06-09 11:36 ] |
Danny_BFC
Joined: Jun 18, 2006
Posts: 499
From: Barnsley, Phone,
PM |
What a forum,
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some f**kin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f**kin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the f**kin’ French toast." |
Glenny
Joined: Feb 26, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: Mars
PM, WWW
|
Its a beuatiful day. The sky is blue. The grass is green. Not a cloud in the sky. Two cows are enjoying the sunshine, and the first cow says
'moo.' The other cow says 'Ya W*nk*r i was gonna say that!
|
axxxr
Joined: Mar 21, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Londinium
PM, WWW
|
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do,” says the Devil. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”
The Devil smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”
[addsig] |
QuickShare
Joined: May 06, 2006
Posts: > 500
From: MYR
PM |
@axxxr
LMAO!!! hahaha
My Flickr Site.. Flickr.comMost Popular Newbie 2006  | |
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2006-03-29 22:15
my 32GB iPhone 3GS 
