| Author |
Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Oogamous
Joined: Aug 14, 2004
Posts: 401
PM |
@leibniz: That was hilarious....
Sony all the way | |
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methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to un-install, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
Quote:
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On 2006-02-12 01:50:50, Bjerkebanen wrote:
A son goes up to his dad and says: Dad how do i get facial hair? Hmm says the dad! Well i guess you can try to whipe your face with toiletpaper. I do that on my arse and check out how hairy it is!!!!!
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LMAO 
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masseur
Joined: Jan 03, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Sydney, London
PM |
@meths, coincidentally I just received this one!
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Help requested please!
And the flip side...
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command:
C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring. Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
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leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
PM |
The Amish Hand Warmer
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
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leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
PM |
The Italian says,
"When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently
tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in
ecstacy."
The Frenchman replies.
"Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss
allze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah
tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The Redneck says,
"That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of
bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits
the freakin' ceiling."
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leibniz
Joined: Mar 04, 2003
Posts: 102
From: Western Canada
PM |
Here's an oldie, but a .... well, it's an oldie where I come from...
Q. What do you call a herd of cows standing in the field masturbating?
A. Beef Strokanoff.
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jagger2k
Joined: Nov 14, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Leicester, UK Phone: IPh
PM |
CALL CENTRE JOKES
They are bit long winded but worth reading especially the last one.
Customer: * * "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: * * "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: * * "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: * * "Sir, they are our opening hours".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: * * * * *"Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: * * *" Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
Caller: (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France)
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering
wheel *to the other side of the car?"
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
Tech Support: * * *"I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: * * * * * * "OK".
Tech Support: * * *"Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: * * * * * * "No".
Tech Support: * * *"OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: * * * * * * "No".
Tech Support: * * *"OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: * * * * * *"Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote *'click'".
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This
is *a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a *recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to
say the *Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word *Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I *know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: * * * * "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: * * * * * * *"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: * * * * "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: * * * * * * *"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: * * * * "Went away?"
Caller: * * * * * * *"They disappeared."
Operator: * * * * "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: * * * * * * *"Nothing."
Operator: * * * * "Nothing??"
Caller: * * * * * * *"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: * * * * "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: * * * * * * *"How do I tell?"
*Operator: * * * * "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: * * * * * * *"What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: * * * * "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: * * * * * * *"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: * * * * "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: * * * * * * *"What's a monitor?"
Operator: * * * * "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: * * * * * * * "I don't know."
Operator: * * * * *"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: * * * * * * *"Yes, I think so."
Operator: * * * * "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: * * * * * * *"Yes, it is."
Operator: * * * * "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back *of it, not just one??"
Caller: * * * * * * * "No."
Operator: * * * * *"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: * * * * * * * "Okay, here it is."
Operator: * * * * *"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: * * * * * * * "I can't reach."
Operator: * * * * *"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: * * * * * * * "No."
Operator: * * * * *"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean *way over??"
Caller: * * * * * * * "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - *it's because it's dark."
Operator: * * * * *"Dark??"
Caller: * * * * * * * "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: * * * * * "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: * * * * * * * "I can't."
Operator: * * * * *"No? Why not??"
Caller: * * * * * * * "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: * * * * * "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
* * * * * * * * * * * * Do you still have *the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: * * * * * * * "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: * * * * * "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it *up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: * * * * * * * *"Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: * * * * * "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: * * * * * * * *"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: * * * * * "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
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vrl29
Joined: Dec 25, 2004
Posts: 305
From: Philippines
PM |
Teacher: Write a short story in a few words discussing
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
Student wrote: "My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who
the father is?"
SE T68i (Feb2004-May2004)
SE T610 (Sep2004-Jun2005)
SE K700i (Jun2005-Sep2005)
SE S700i (Sep2005-Present) |
vrl29
Joined: Dec 25, 2004
Posts: 305
From: Philippines
PM |
How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?
One day an employee sends a letter to her boss asking for an
increase in her salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you
$hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given
$o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Marian
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
Dear Marian
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has
changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing
NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt
sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the
NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
SE T68i (Feb2004-May2004)
SE T610 (Sep2004-Jun2005)
SE K700i (Jun2005-Sep2005)
SE S700i (Sep2005-Present) |
batesie
Joined: Feb 13, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: London, UK
PM |
Three women - 2 younger and 1 senior citizen - were sitting naked in a
sauna; suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
" That was my pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be outdone,she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that.................I'm getting a fax!"
_________________
www.dnbradio.com
[ This Message was edited by: batesie on 2006-03-26 20:41 ] |
mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
Bill Gates in Afterlife
Bill Gates died. He was sent to the Afterlife Waiting Room. He was met by St. Peter, who asked him if he wanted to go to Heaven or Hell, and if he'd like to see them before he decided. Bill said yes, and St. Peter snapped his fingers. They appeared on a sunny beach, with people dancing, swimming, and playing volleball. Just basically having a wonderful time. Good food, good music, good people. Bill turns to St. Peter and says, "Wow, Heaven is great!" St. Peter says, "This isn't Heaven, it's Hell. Want to see Heaven?" Mr. Gates nods yes, and they appear in a shady park, with a few old people sitting on benches feeding birds. A gentle breeze blows by, and all is quiet and serene. St. Peter asks Bill, "Well, which would you like?" Bill thinks for a minute, and says, "Well, if this is Heaven, then I'll take Hell." Instantly, he was plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, the screams of other tortured souls filling his ears. He looks up, and sees St. Peter in the waiting room. Bill calls out to him, and said, "Hey! What's going on? Where's the beach? The bikini-clad women? The party?"
St. Peter turns from his Macintosh to face Bill, and says, "That was just the demo."
 t610 > k700i > p800 > p900 > p910 > k750i > I-mate Jam > Blokia 6681 > HTC Prophet > HTC Wizard & Nokia N73 > E71 > BB 9000 > HTC Desire > Samsung Galaxy S > Samsung Galaxy S II & the Motorola Xoom <br /> Still Shiny but not so n |
mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
Bill Gates and the CD of Power
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. To my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on.
I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said "Take a close look at it."
To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth.
4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D
"I cannot read the fiery letters," I said. "No," he said, "but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"
"One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
I almost fell off my seat when i read this one 
t610 > k700i > p800 > p900 > p910 > k750i > I-mate Jam > Blokia 6681 > HTC Prophet > HTC Wizard & Nokia N73 > E71 > BB 9000 > HTC Desire > Samsung Galaxy S > Samsung Galaxy S II & the Motorola Xoom <br /> Still Shiny but not so n |
Mad_Bob
Joined: Dec 28, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: A Bread Bin
PM, WWW
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Quote:
| Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget." |
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Quote:
| A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island, and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual s*x, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having s*x with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
So................
......They buried her |
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Oh my god! a wooden goat!. |
BobaFett
Joined: Jan 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Kamino (wish it would be Lund)
PM, WWW
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2006-02-16 14:40
t610 > k700i > p800 > p900 > p910 > k750i > I-mate Jam > Blokia 6681 > HTC Prophet > HTC Wizard & Nokia N73 > E71 > BB 9000 > HTC Desire > Samsung Galaxy S > Samsung Galaxy S II & the Motorola Xoom 
