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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
JK
Joined: Feb 24, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: S. Africa - JOZI
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A young woman in Cape Town was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young deck-hand saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for.
We're off to Europe in the morning,and if you like, I can stow you away on this ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy, OK?"
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Ferry making trips between Robben Island and the Waterfront.
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JK
Joined: Feb 24, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: S. Africa - JOZI
PM |
FUNERAL SPEECH OF THE YEAR
Maria is a devoted wife: She gets married and has 17children.......Soon after the last child is born, her husband dies.....A few weeks later she remarried, and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband......After the last child is born her second husband also dies......Within a month Maria is engaged to be married for the third time.......Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies. At her funeral the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, he looks up to heaven and says:"At last they are finally together".
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest replied "I mean her legs".
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private
Joined: Feb 04, 2005
Posts: 344
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Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly, now pretty old
guys, 75 and 76 years old, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about cricket,like they do every day.
Sachin turns to Sourav and says, "Do you think there's
cricket in heaven?"
Ganguly thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I
dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in
heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They
shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Sachin passes on.
One day soon afterward, Ganguly is sitting there
feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sourav...Sourav!"
Ganguly responds, "Sachin! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sourav," whispers Sachin's ghost.
Ganguly, still amazed, asks,
"So, is there cricket in heaven?"
"Well," says Sachin, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Ganguly.
Sachin says, "Well... there is cricket in heaven."
Ganguly says, "That's great!
What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Sachin sighs and whispers,
"You and me, we are going to open the innings on Friday."
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private
Joined: Feb 04, 2005
Posts: 344
PM |
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried?
...that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
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batesie
Joined: Feb 13, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: London, UK
PM |
This is a tough one.... Check this - Morality Test:
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer and you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you
caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper,
and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making
photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some
disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its
destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. .
Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's
George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under ... forever. You have two options--you can save the life of G.W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,
documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:
>>>> scroll down <<<<
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?
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max99
Joined: Nov 24, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Manchester (@ Uni)
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LOL
[addsig] |
mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
RAW MATERIAL
In science class the teacher said they would talk about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have only one raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded then called on little Susie.
Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher smiled and she then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" 
He responded by saying, "Because my neighbour has two big silicone implants and you should see all the sports cars outside their house!!" |
mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
AN OFFICE BOY AT MICROSOFT
A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him, then a test, clean the floor.
"You are selected" he said, give me your e-mail address, and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you can start.
The man replied "I don't have a computer, neither do I have an email address"
I'm sorry, said the HR manager, if you don't have an email that means
you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.
The man left with no hope at all.
He didn't know what to do, with only 10US$ in his pocket. He then
decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two
hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation
three times, and returned home with 60 US$. The man realized that he
can survive by this way, and started doing this everyday from morning till late evening.
Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the U. S.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to purchase life
insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email address.
The man replied: ' I don't have an email'.
The broker replied curiously, "You don't have an email address, and yet have succeeded in building an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had email?!!
The man thought for a while, and replied: "An office boy at Microsoft!"
The moral of this story:
1- Internet is not the solution to your life.
2- If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
3- If you are reading this on the internet or on e-mail, you are closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire. 
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blackspot
Joined: Sep 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Philippines
PM |
Jay approached a lady who was alone in a corner table in a pub and started being friendly. "Hello there, I'm Jay, Can I sit here while you're waiting for your companions?". To Jay's surprise and obvious embarassment the lady shouted "You want to have sex with me?". Everyone was looking at them so Jay just looked down and went away and drank by himself in a table on the opposite corner.
Later, the lady approached him and explained. "I'm really sorry about that, I'm a psychologist and I'm actually doing this research on 'human behaviors on unexpected situations'". Jay smiled, looked at her, stood up and shouted "Two hundred bucks?!"
resistance is futile. |
private
Joined: Feb 04, 2005
Posts: 344
PM |
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
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mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
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kk.226
Joined: Nov 04, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: London
PM |
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion
on
the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an
example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him,
that would be a tragedy."
No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a
great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs.
Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that
would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f**king accident
either".
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Evil Eye
Joined: Jun 23, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Pune, Maharashtra, India
PM |
[ This Message was edited by: john abraham on 2005-09-26 01:00 ] |
JK
Joined: Feb 24, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: S. Africa - JOZI
PM |
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."
"Oh, no!" president Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion?"
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mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
After the first few days in the Garden of Eden, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable".
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?" So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?" So, the Lord again gave Adam instruction and Adam again disappeared behind the bush, but this time he quickly re-appeared, saying "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
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Posted: 2005-09-15 13:06
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