| Author |
Post Your funny Jokes Here |
DickySnapples
Joined: Dec 05, 2003
Posts: > 500
PM |
NO OFFENCE INTENDED....ITS JUST A JOKE 
what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing,youve already told her twice
[ This Message was edited by: Dicky Snapples on 2005-08-16 17:58 ] | |
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njoy29
Joined: Aug 04, 2005
Posts: 4
PM |
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Paul, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Paul, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Paul was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Paul showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Paul announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Paul, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks." |
ambyzown
Joined: May 11, 2005
Posts: 231
From: Lagos-Nigeria
PM |
Very funny.
By the way Paul, how's the family? |
mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
A wife is cooking a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband bursts into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Quick! Add more more butter! Oh my goodness!
"You're cooking too many eggs at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my! You make me so nervous!"
"WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
"Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
His wife stares at him, stunned with amazement. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replies, as he walks away, "Now you know what it feels like when you're telling me how to drive."
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mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
Time & Money
Asking God...
The man said, "God, are you there?"
God responded, "Yes, I am."
The man said, "May I ask you a question?"
"Go ahead, my son." God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is but a second."
The man then asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?"
And God said, "Sure, just a second."
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mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
Ed Zachery Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.
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mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
Another one
Unlucky parrot
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Señor Humphrey? This is Ernesto
the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one' Señor."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody señor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the
water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was
the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your mother-in-law, Señor. I am so sorry, but she showed up late one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike driver."
SILENCE....................
"Ernesto, if you broke my new driver you're fired!
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Pradhika
Joined: Jan 11, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: India
PM |
NETWORKS AND LIFE. Life b4 marriage : airtel - always get in touch. Life while honeymoon : hutch - follows wherever you go. After 10 years of marriage : bsnl - not reachable.. Good bye.
This message was posted from a WAP device |
Kryptik
Joined: Jun 24, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: Port Elizabeth, S.Africa
PM |
It was so cold in Cape Town today that a large number of lawyers were spotted walking about with their hands in their own pockets.
This message was posted from a Nokia |
Evil Eye
Joined: Jun 23, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Pune, Maharashtra, India
PM |
 Nice jokes mrao...
[ This Message was edited by: John Abraham on 2005-09-07 04:26 ] |
mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
Thats cheap ... pls delete it |
JK
Joined: Feb 24, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: S. Africa - JOZI
PM |
(",) What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? ..... You can drop her off anywhere.
(",) What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? ..... Outlaws are wanted.
(",) Where does virgin wool come from? .....
Ugly sheep.
(",) How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony? .....
It isn't hard.
(",) What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night? ..... His last name.
(",) What's the down side to a 3-some? .....
You're likely disappoint two women instead of just one!!!!!!!!!!!
(",) How do you know you're really ugly? .....
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.
(",) Why are hurricanes named after women? .....
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car. |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
Two friends meet each other on the street.
Hello, Bill! Where are you coming from?
I'm coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law.
I'm so sorry. But why is your face scratched all over?
It wasn't so easy! She put on a hell of a fight.
One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie, who told him he’d get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
“What would you like for your first wish?” asked the genie.
“I want one billion dollars,” replies the man.
“Remember,” says the genie, “your mother-in-law gets double what you got.”
“I know.”
The man then chooses his second wish, “I wish I had a brand new sports car.” So, he gets his second wish and he’s very content.
“Your mother-in-law gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?” asks the genie.
The man ponders for a moment, then answering, “I wish to be beaten half to death.”
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mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
Broke is Broke
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well- dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. |
mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
This ones too funny
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because
he is sure that he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some
fun at the deputies expense..
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop.
License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the
ticket, if not - you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle then, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving
crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
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Posted: 2005-08-16 18:54
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