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Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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funny 
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mustafabay
Joined: Sep 27, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Egypt
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Metaphorically speaking....
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m.at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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This plastic bag is white and ugly and is bad for the envoierment and kids can choke on it! Its bad!
Hmm sir that is no plastic bag that is Michael Jackson!
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Qoastro
Joined: Feb 15, 2005
Posts: 447
From: Sweden
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A confused 9-year-old asked his mother:
"Mum, is God a man or a woman?"
Suprised by the question the mother answered:
"God is a bit of both."
That made the boy even more confused and said:
"Is God black or white?"
His mother answered:
"God is a bit of both, dear."
The boy looked puzzled and then asked:
"Mum, is God homosexual or straight?"
Once again the mother answered:
"God is a bit of both."
Then the boy asked:
"Mum, is God Michael Jackson?"
*Curtain*
Qoa
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amd1129
Joined: Feb 09, 2005
Posts: > 500
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Lol
This message was posted from a T68i |
Qoastro
Joined: Feb 15, 2005
Posts: 447
From: Sweden
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That wasn't in it's full glory since I read it in Swedish ONCE, then tried to remember and translate it... But it came out alright.
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Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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Mr Nidar was walking just a little bit of chilling down on the beach. All of the sudden he spots a really nice shell. So he says out loud That is a really nice shell!! In fact its so beeutifull im going to shagg it! So Mr Nidar picks up the shell and puts his penis into it and starts his charming shagging motions! So afte a wile the deed is done and he pulls his penis out of the shell and he finds a little snail laying on his penis. He shouts: Hey get off you! I kill you if you werent my son!!
_________________
Life is all about Lumpaland!!
WWW.LUMPALAND.CO.UK and
WWW.ENGLISH-TEA.CO.UK
[ This Message was edited by: Bjerkebanen on 2005-06-21 11:51 ] |
mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
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The Rooster and the Farmer
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, time for you to
retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me." The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed
up, and I'm taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. Just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds
later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse, and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on
the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit... third gay rooster I bought this month!"
Moral of this story: Don't mess with us old
folks......Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
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jenbones
Joined: Feb 19, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: london
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Blonde has a puzzle to fit together while her husband is out, she rings him up and says...
"i dont know what goes where" she asked
"look at the box it'll show you there" he replied
"OK bye!!"
*hangs up*
blonde sees a rooster on the front of the box, and gets down to work...
when her husband arrives home he says...
" put the cornflakes away "
 1500+ Posts |
jenbones
Joined: Feb 19, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: london
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Here's another,
blonde goes to primary school comes back and says, mummy i can count higher than everybody in out class.
Her mum says well done
*next day*
mummy i can do the alphebet faster than everybody in the WHOLE school
Well done, her mum says
*next day*
comes home and says, mum i have bigger breasts than evrybody at school,
her mum replies
" you should do love...you're 23"
1500+ Posts |
mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
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heres a good one
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits UP and sees his clothing laid out next to him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind . You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Last night, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to pull your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'"
Broken furniture - $185.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........PRICELESS!
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gr3gg0
Joined: Jun 03, 2005
Posts: 182
From: Toronto, Canada
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Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how
the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume
of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Sarah during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell
has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls
and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Sarah kept
shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
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mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
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mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
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John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
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mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
A stranger was seated next to LittleJohnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said,"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger."How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you aquestion first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is so?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit? | |
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Posted: 2005-06-16 04:25
Download and watch it 
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