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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
dude_se
Joined: Dec 16, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Evesham, UK
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Quote:
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On 2005-05-16 16:40:40, Oogamous wrote:
One day, a man walked into a bar. He say's to the bartender, "If I
show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me five
free beers?"
The bartender says, "Show me this amazing thing first."
So the man takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano.
The 10 inch man starts playing the piano.
The bartender scratches his head and says, "Wow, that is amazing.
Here are your five beers. How did you do that?"
"There is a magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and will
grant you one wish."
So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. Then the
genie comes out and says "I am the genie of this lamp. I will grant
one wish. Choose carefully."
"I want 10,000,000 bucks." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000
ducks came out of nowhere. The bartender goes back into the bar.
"Boy" he says to the man, "that genie sure does have bad hearing." The
man answers: "I know, did you really think I asked for a 10 inch
pianist?"
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lol 
10 +'ve feedback's, 0 -'ves
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batesie
Joined: Feb 13, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: London, UK
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This bloke was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:...........
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fcukin shoes on."
[addsig] |
axxxr
Joined: Mar 21, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Londinium
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That was a good one mate!
[addsig] |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a Ballerina?"
The drunk replied,
"Why any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
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mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
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 good one
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masseur
Joined: Jan 03, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Sydney, London
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directions...
1.Start at Your House.
2.Make your way to London Heathrow Airport.
3.Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
5.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South"
follow for 0.2 miles.
6.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for
0.3 miles
7.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North
AirportExit" follow for 2.9 miles
8.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for29.2
miles
9.Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
10."US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
11.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for104.0
miles
12."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
13.Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
14.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for
7.8 miles
15.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5miles
16.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for1.7
miles
17.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles
18.Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"
....Now that's the way to %^&*()! Amarillo!!!!!!!!
SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW!!!!!!!
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Burgaz
Joined: Mar 25, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Cwmbranistan, S. Wales
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You got that mail to huh?
[ This Message was edited by: Burgaz on 2005-05-20 00:02 ] |
Jake Blues
Joined: May 24, 2004
Posts: > 500
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yea, and i had a shortened version as a sig a month ago, so yr behind me burgaz! |
mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question "
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mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
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Definition of Bravery:
True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys, being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife and still having the guts to ask:
Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?'
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Jake Blues
Joined: May 24, 2004
Posts: > 500
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Y did the chicken cross the road? 2 get 2 the shop...
Do u fink thats funny?
Nah neither did the chicken coz it was shut!
[addsig] |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
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What do you call a man who has been in the ground for a thousand years?
_________________
Pete.
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2005-06-08 22:14 ] |
mrao
Joined: Nov 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Mumbai, India
PM |
After a long night of hot and heavy love making, he notices a photo of another man on her bedside table. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers, planting a big, juicy kiss square on his mouth.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"Silly! That's me before the surgery."
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mustafabay
Joined: Sep 27, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Egypt
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Might as well participate in this thread 
This is a bricklayer’s accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the worker’s Compensation Board.
This is a true story…..
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Section 3 of the accident report form. I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some brick’s left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the brick’s down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at the ground I went up to the roof swung the barrel out and loaded the brick’s into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the bricks.
You will note in section 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley, Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me down to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain and unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and I let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kind Regards,
Mike Pashby |
Glenny
Joined: Feb 26, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: Mars
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i dont get it.....
a man walks into a bar......ouch
classic
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2005-05-16 18:45
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