| Author |
Post Your funny Jokes Here |
blackspot
Joined: Sep 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Philippines
PM |
A young man was lost in a forest and came to a small house, knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with long gray beard.
"I'm lost, can you please put me up for the night?" he said.
"Certainly, but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man" the old man said.
"OK" said the young man.
After dinner they all went to their rooms. The young man was obviously attracted to the beautiful daughter with a fantastic body who kept staring at him during dinner. When everything was quiet the young man snuck up to the daughter's room for a night of passion. When it was over, he carefully went back to his room.
When he woke up he felt a heavy load on his chest with a note "Chinese torture 1 - Large rock on chest"
The young man just smiled and thought "that's very crappy" as he tossed the rock out of the window. He noticed a note on the window saying "Chinese torture 2 - rock tied to left testicle"
In a panic he decided to jump out after the rock thinking that a few broken bones were better than castration. On his way down he noticed a large note on the ground that read "Chinese torture 3 - right testicle tied to bed post" 
resistance is futile. | |
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
Here's one for the girls
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker, if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
the same stuff---grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea!"
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power, when you don't know sh*t?
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Jake Blues
Joined: May 24, 2004
Posts: > 500
PM |
FOR SALE:
2000 tea towels
excellent condition
contact:
mrs arafat.
[addsig] |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
Whats about six inches long and begins with a P?
A shit!
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
blackspot
Joined: Sep 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Philippines
PM |
Julius Caesar: I am the Ruler of Rome!
Cornelia: No you're not! Show me 12 inches and I'll say you're a ruler.
resistance is futile. |
Jake Blues
Joined: May 24, 2004
Posts: > 500
PM |
doctor: i examined you all over and i cant find anything wrong with you, it must be the alcohol.
patient: ok, ill come back when you are sober
[addsig] |
blackspot
Joined: Sep 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Philippines
PM |
Santa Claus was about to leave the house after delivering some gifts, but on his way to the fireplace a beautiful lady blocked his way and said "Santa why don't you spend christmas here with me?"
Santa said:
"Ho, ho, ho, I got to go
Raindeers waiting out in the snow."
The lady took off her dress and said "Now will you stay?"
Santa said:
"Hey, hey, hey, I got to stay
Can't climb up the chimney with my D**k this way!"
resistance is futile. |
Rookwise
Joined: Mar 22, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: UK. Phone:Samsung Galaxy A54 5
PM |
Man driving down road
Woman driving up same road
They pass each other
Woman yells out window, "P I G !"
Man yells out window, "B I T C H !"
Man rounds next curve
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
I tried sniffing coke once but didnt like it. The bubbles kept going up my nose  |
blackspot
Joined: Sep 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Philippines
PM |
it took me a minute to figure that one out!
Brutus: Today, we are going to slay Caesar.
Marc Antony: Yes, we shall slay him in the open where everyone can see
Cassius: Hmmm, we're going to need a horse.
Brutus: A horse?
Marc Antony: Why?
Cassius: Haven't you heard of the "One Horse Open Slay"?
resistance is futile. |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
3 santas go to the blood clinic, to donate blood. The nurse says "thats incredible, you're all exacly the same blood type!" "Really?" reply the 3 santas? The nurse says "yes, you're O O O"
Ba-doooom-tish!
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
Jake Blues
Joined: May 24, 2004
Posts: > 500
PM |
my god. and i thought mine were bad.
[addsig] |
blackspot
Joined: Sep 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Philippines
PM |
Three nuns passed by a house with a parrot hanging in a cage by the garden near the gate. When the parrot saw them the parrot said "white, white, pink". The nuns were all wondering what the parrot meant by that. The first nun said "the only white I have are my panties". The second one said "mine too". The third one said "mine is pink". They were so shocked and amazed and just burst into laughter.
The next day they decided to test if their theory was right about the parrot so they planned to wear different colored panties -- red, green and yellow. When they passed by the parrot said "red, green, yellow". Again they were so excietd and laughed!
The next day they wanted to give the parrot a hard time so they decided not to wear panties. When they passed by the parrot paused for a while. After a few seconds it shouted "curly, straight, curly". The nuns ran away.
resistance is futile. |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
buluayam
Joined: Dec 12, 2003
Posts: 97
PM |
Been awhile since I've last been back online, and posted any jokes!
A series of management jokes...how often have we seen these things happen in real life, though?
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The boards of the two fiercely competitive companies decided to organize a rowing match to challenge each other's organisational and sporting abilities. The first company was strongly 'theory X': ruthless, autocratic, zero staff empowerment, etc. The second company was more 'theory y': a culture of developing people, devolved responsibility and decision-making.
Race day arrived. The Y company's boat appeared from the boat-house first, with its crew: eight rowers and a helmsman (the cox). Next followed the X company boat and its crew - eight helmsmen and a single rower.
Not surprisingly the Y company's boat won an easy victory.
The next day the X company board of directors held an inquest with the crew, to review what had been learned from the embarrassing defeat, which might be of benefit to the organization as a whole, and any future re-match.
After a long and wearing meeting the X company board finally came came to their decision. They concluded that the rower should be replaced immediately because clearly he had not listened well enough to the instructions he'd been given.
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Following a poor first-half year performance the board of Company X tasked a senior manager to investigate what was happening on the factory floor, since the directors believed poor productivity was at the root of the problem. While walking around the plant, the investigating manager came upon a large warehouse area where a man stood next to a pillar. The manager introduced himself as the person investigating performance on the factory floor, appointed by the board, and then asked the man by the pillar what he was doing. "It's my job," replied the man, "I was told to stand by this pillar."
The investigator thanked the man for his cooperation and encouraged him to keep up the good work. The investigator next walked into a large packing area, where he saw another man standing next to a pillar. The investigator again introduced himself and asked the man what he was doing. "I've been told to stand by this pillar, so that's what I do." said the man.
Two weeks later the investigator completed his report and duly presented his findings to the board, who held a brief meeting to decide remedial action. The board called the investigator back into the room, thanked him for his work, and then instructed him to sack one of the men he'd found standing by pillars, since obviously this was a duplication of effort.
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A little girl was watching her mother prepare a fish for dinner. Her mother cut the head and tail off the fish and then placed it into a baking pan. The little girl asked her mother why she cut the head and tail off the fish. Her mother thought for a while and then said, "I've always done it that way - that's how babicka (Czech for grandma) did it."
Not satisfied with the answer, the little girl went to visit her grandma to find out why she cut the head and tail off the fish before baking it.
Grandma thought for a while and replied, "I don't know. My mother always did it that way."
So the little girl and the grandma went to visit great grandma to find ask if she knew the answer.
Great grandma thought for a while and said, “Because my baking pan was too small to fit in the whole fish”.
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A big corporation hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR manager during the welcome briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.
A few weeks later the cannibals' boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No," they said.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others angrily, "Right, which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly in admission. "You fool!" said the leader, "For weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!..."
___________________________________________________________
Here are two letters, according to the story both real, the first allegedly sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan; the second is Mr DeVries' amusing response. The letters provide a great example of the dangers of making assumptions and jumping to conclusions, and also how to reply to a false accusation with humour and style.
the Michigan DOEQ letter
Subject: DEQ File No.97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries,
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
Mr Devries' letter response
Dear Sirs,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process (State unauthorized) of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris".
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is: aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Thank you
Ryan Devries and the Dam Beavers
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k4m!k4ze
Joined: Oct 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: CBE
PM |
Why teacher's are stressed -
_________________
Intel inside, Mental outside
Think you've seen Flash ? See this !
[ This Message was edited by: kllr_dude on 2004-12-12 13:10 ] | |
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Posted: 2004-11-17 07:29
