| Author |
Post Your funny Jokes Here |
blackspot
Joined: Sep 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Philippines
PM |
A woman asked a group of guys in the club if she can play with them as she was a new member. The guys said agreed to try her out and asked when they usually play. "Every saturday 7:00 AM", OK I'll be here this saturday at 6:30 or 6:45.
That saturday she came 6:30 AM and played like a pro. The guys were impressed and were having fun as she shared a lot of jokes along the course. The next saturday she arrived 6:30 AM and played just as well but this time left-handed. The guys were impressed even more.
The next saturday she arrived 6:45 AM was awesome with alternating left-hand/right-hand strokes. The guys were curious and asked.
"How do you decide when to use left-handed or right-handed".
"Before I leave home I look under the sheets as my husband sleeps naked. If his d**k points to the left, I play left handed, if it points to the right, I play right-handed."
"What if it's pointing upwards, you know..."
"I'll be here at 6:45" 
resistance is futile. | |
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k4m!k4ze
Joined: Oct 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: CBE
PM |
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
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THE CLINTON Virus...
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)
THE MIKE TYSON virus...
(Quits after two bytes.)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.)
-----------------------------
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence of your attempt !! |
blackspot
Joined: Sep 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Philippines
PM |
Jim and two of his buddies were playing golf. On the 13th hole a funeral passed by from a distance and Jim paused and took off his hat. Seeing him, his two friends did the same. They resumed their game when the funeral march was already too far to be seen. One of Jim's friends said as they were walking "That's what I admire about you Jim, you always have respect for people". Jim answered "That's the least I could do, after all we were married for 25 years."
resistance is futile. |
k4m!k4ze
Joined: Oct 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: CBE
PM |
Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
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It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence of your attempt !! |
blackspot
Joined: Sep 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Philippines
PM |
Two not-so-experienced hunters got lost in the woods. One of them said "I read in a survival book that if we get lost we simply shoot 3 times in the air and someone will come and rescue us". So they did. After 4 hours nothing happened and nobody came. They tried again and waited for another 3 hours. They were about to do it again when the second hunter said "Don't you think we should save these last three arrows just in case?"
resistance is futile. |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
What do you call a Pakistani swimming pool attendant?
Hanjer Bandin!
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
k4m!k4ze
Joined: Oct 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: CBE
PM |
Not a joke but worth seeing anyway (To all bush lovers, take it easy  ) -
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence of your attempt !! |
blackspot
Joined: Sep 06, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Philippines
PM |
An old chinese businessman was in his bed in a hospital. The doctor said his sickness has gone worse and he doesn't have much time left. All his family came and visited him that day, maybe for the last time. He saw their faces and started calling out their names. "Leilei", "Meimei", "Chengcheng", "Xiaoxiao". "We're all here for you papa", they replied. His wife smiled and held his hands.
He looked angry and said "Who's watching the store?"
resistance is futile. |
kimcheeboi
Joined: Dec 19, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Abducted by hot blondes to Les
PM |
Q: How do you know when it''s bedtime at Michael Jackson''s home?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
Q: What do you call a gay bar with no place to sit?
A: A fruit stand.
Q: Why did the gay man get a job at the loading dock?
A: He loved taking deliveries in the rear.
Q: Why do gay men make good linemen?
A: They love penetrating the defense.
Q: Why couldn''t the gay quarterback make it in the NFL?
A: He was too foreward with his passes.
Q: How do you make a lesbian anorexic eat?
A: Put pussy hair around her dinner plate.
Q: What do you call a fart in the men''s room of a gay bar?
A: A love call.
Q: Why did the gay criminal keep going back to prison?
A: He loved it in the can.
[addsig] |
kimcheeboi
Joined: Dec 19, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Abducted by hot blondes to Les
PM |
A guy is walking along the beach when he sees a little girl with no arms and no legs. He decides to talk to her and she tells him, "I've never been kissed."
Naturally, he feels sorry for her and kisses her. The she says, "I've never been fu*ked."
He picks her up and throws her in the ocean. "Now you're fu*ked."
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What do you call a quadrupalegic hanging on the wall?
Art.
What do you call a quadrupalegic on the floor?
Matt.
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A man comes home after playing a round of golf. His wife asks, "Honey, how'd you do today?"
For no apparent reason he smacks her so hard he lays her out of the floor.
"Why the hell did you do that?!" she asks.
"Cause I've been hitting everything fat today."
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Three surgeons are talking about who's the easiest to operate on. THe first one says, "I think librarians are the easiest. When you cut them open, everything's filed."
The second surgeon replies, "No, engineers are the easiest. If you take them apart, put them back together, and you're left over with a few spare parts, they totally understand."
The third surgeon says, "No, lawyers are the easiest. You cut them open and they're brainless, spineless, and heartless. The only two parts that work are their mouth and their anus, and those are interchangable."
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Did you hear about the two gay judges?
They tried each other.
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Why did George W climb the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
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Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.
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What do asians do when they have an erection?
They vote.
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Why are there no Mexican Athletes?
Everyone who can run, jump, or swim is in America.
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NOW FOR THE ORIGINAL JOKES! 
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Why don't blacks French Kiss?
Their lips get in their eyes.
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You know your girlfriend's too fat when...
8. She's NEVER on top
7. She sweats butter
6. Her motto is: "who need pockets?"
5. She drools
4. She uses paper towels instead of toilet paper
3. You always poke the wrong fold
2. Who needs KY when you have Crisco?
1. Every time she stands up, she needs to change her underwear
 |
Jake Blues
Joined: May 24, 2004
Posts: > 500
PM |
gary glitters not well....hes got nappy rash.
[addsig] |
kimcheeboi
Joined: Dec 19, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Abducted by hot blondes to Les
PM |
why did the blond chick have a bruised belly button?
her boyfriend was blond too.
[addsig] |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
Whats shiny, tall, and lies at the bottom of a baby's bed?
Gary Glitters platform shoes!
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what do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack
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what do you call a man with a lorry on his head?
Big Jack
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If Britney Spears, do you think Victoria Wood?
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Whats blue and f*cks your gran?
hypothermia
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
Jake Blues
Joined: May 24, 2004
Posts: > 500
PM |
gary glitter and his young girlfriend are in a video store. she says "well, what do you want tonight?"
he replies "can we get alladin?"
"no" she says "youre in enough trouble. just get a video."
whats the difference between gary glitter and a greyhound? a greyhound waits for the hare to come out first.
[addsig] |
Rookwise
Joined: Mar 22, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: UK. Phone:Samsung Galaxy A54 5
PM |
A bloke comes home with a duck under his arm. He goes into the living room, looks at his wife and says "thats the pig i've been shagging for the last 20 years"
His wife look at him confused and says "thats not a pig. Its a duck"
The man says to his wife "I was talking to the duck"
I tried sniffing coke once but didnt like it. The bubbles kept going up my nose  | |
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Posted: 2004-11-10 08:55
