| Author |
Post Your funny Jokes Here |
scotsboyuk
Joined: Jun 02, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM, WWW
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@meths
"I may be drunk my dear woman, but in the morning I will be sober, and you will still be ugly." WSC | |
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methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
Yep, meths has been drinkin' again 
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
mince-inside
Joined: May 09, 2004
Posts: 452
From: Made in Alnwick living in Scot
PM |
Ow @meths I though it was going to be
a man da went round to the back door and took the biggest knife out of the kitchen and is stood behind you now....
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methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
Knock Knock
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
kimcheeboi
Joined: Dec 19, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Abducted by hot blondes to Les
PM |
who's there?
[addsig] |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
You are, idiot!  Sheesh, he's so out of it he doesnt know who's at the door...
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
kimcheeboi
Joined: Dec 19, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Abducted by hot blondes to Les
PM |
i think i've locked myself out... LET ME IN, DAMMIT!
[addsig] |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
climb in the window, i cant find the key
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
i'll drink to that mate 
meantime let's try keep the thread on topic.....cheers *no pun intended* 
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
2 Eskimos are out fishing, and one says "damn its cold, light a fire" The other says "what, here? In the boat?!?" The other says "yeah Old Bill says it will be fine". "Phooey," says the other eskimo. "cant be done! Old Bill is full of crap!" "JUST LIGHT THE GODDAMN FIRE, I'M FREEZING!" the first eskimo bellows. Disgruntled, the second eskimo lights a fire, an lo and behold the boat sinks. After they scramble ashore, the second eskimo turns to the first and says "SEE? I told you you couldnt have your kayak and heat it!"
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
Rookwise
Joined: Mar 22, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: UK. Phone:Samsung Galaxy A54 5
PM |
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the
occasional division by zero.
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music
is over, the strings are attached.
3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an
institution for the blind.
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his
Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger
and two under the man's eyes.
6. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
7. Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries
inherited forever.
8. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffe-Ring
- The Endu-Ring
9. Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS
listen.
10. It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an
eye-opener.
11. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant
with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what
the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
12. It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of
them get MARRIED!
13. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church
and found himself married. A year later he muttered
something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
14. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the
husband gives and the wife takes.
15. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
16. There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was
until I got married.... and then it was too late!"
17. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm
clock.
18. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before
marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
19. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when
a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
20. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell
for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
I tried sniffing coke once but didnt like it. The bubbles kept going up my nose  |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
@staz: u're scarin the bachelors mate 
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
WORDS WOMEN USE IN ARGUMENTS
******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you ha ve just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!
And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh
_______________________________________________________
You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.
For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
 Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Rookwise
Joined: Mar 22, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: UK. Phone:Samsung Galaxy A54 5
PM |
Did you think that a dog's life was nothing but eating, sleeping, etc?
Well, here's something to change your mind!
*****A Day in the Life of a Dog******
6:00 a.m.-6:15 a.m. Squeals and whines to be let out of the house.
6:16 a.m. Rushes to garden in search of cats.
6:20 a.m. No cats. Turns attention to newly planted bulbs.
6:21 a.m. Digs up bulbs.
6:30 a.m. Barks to come inside.
6:32 a.m. Barks again - more loudly.
6:35 a.m. To be sure all within twenty miles have heard,
barks again.
6:40 a.m. Back door opens. Enters house. Listens to make
sure everyone in the house is now awake. Jumps
on chair and goes to sleep.
8:00 a.m. Food sounds from kitchen. Wakes and goes to
investigate. Hangs around chair of youngest human.
Catches most food before it hits the floor.
8:32 a.m. Back to sleep.
9:30 a.m. Mail arrives. Waits for door to open and chases
letter carrier.
9:45 a.m. Sleep.
10:45 a.m. Sleep.
11:00 a.m. Vacuum cleaner switched on. Leaps from chair and
flees sound. Goes to another room. Sleeps.
12:30 p.m. Lunch sounds from kitchen. Scurries past newly
filled dog dish. Arrives first at table. Waits
for food to drop from table. None. Goes to dog
dish filled with food the TV ad says is irresistible
to dogs. Sniffs. Looks around to make sure
there's nothing better. Sighs. Eats.
1:30 p.m. Whines at door to go out.
1:35 p.m. Whines at door to come in.
1:40 p.m. Hears friend barking outside. Whines to go out again.
1:45 p.m. Door opens. Leaps from house and joins friends
chasing cars.
2:45 p.m. Still chasing cars, with the odd cat thrown in for
variety.
3:00 p.m. Decides to call on girl-friend up the street. She is
sleeping.
3:05 p.m. Good Idea. Goes home and does the same.
4:00 p.m. Children arrive home from school. Dog barks, yells,
goes crazy. Told to calm down. Barks and yells
some more.
4:07 p.m. Grabbed by collar and thrown out of the house.
4:09 p.m. After barking fails to open door, decides to call on
girl-friend once more. She has gone out. Runs to park.
Finds another girl.
6:00 p.m. Dinner time. Hurries home.
6:10 p.m. Before door opens, lowers head and adopts pitiful
appearance.
6:11 p.m. Doesn't work. "Get in here and where the hell have
you been?"
6:12 p.m. Hides under dinner table.
6:55 p.m. Hears rattle of leash. Leaps off best chair and
rushes to front door.
7:17 p.m. At the park. Leash still attached. Sits quietly.
Leash released. Goes Bananas.
7:55 p.m. Off leash.
8:22 p.m. Off leash.
8:55 p.m. Off leash.
9:15 p.m. Owner asks if anyone has seen dog.
9:45 p.m. Owner in luck. Someone has seen a dog swimming in
nearby lake.
10:00 p.m. Back on leash. Shakes self over owner.
10:05 p.m. Dragged back into house.
10:15 p.m. Settles down in front of TV.
10:35 p.m. Barks to go outside.
10:40 p.m. Barks loudly to come back inside.
10:45 p.m. Barks again before owner can open door. Neighbour
shouts that baby is trying to sleep. Also advises
what owner should do with dog.
10:46 p.m. Dog barks very loudly in the direction of
neighbour's voice.
10:50 p.m. Door opens. Dog rushes upstairs to bedroom. Hides
under bed. Owner leaves. Dog leaps on bed. Sleeps.
A horror movie character's survival guide
* When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check
to see if it's really dead.
* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia
or satanic practices in your house move away immediately.
* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just
gone out.
* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice
which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will
save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably
take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
* When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go it
alone.
* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to
Hell.
* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside,or anywhere near a
grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
* If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find
out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you
value your life.*
* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
* Do not take *anything* from the dead.
* If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a
reason. Take the hint and stay away.
* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure
you know what you are doing.
* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also
note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster
is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to
catch up with you.
* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as
possible.
* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which
are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog
(God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle,
or any small town in Maine.
* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted- looking house to phone for help.
* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple
guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any
device made from deceased companions.
* Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the
audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you
could ever hope to be.
I tried sniffing coke once but didnt like it. The bubbles kept going up my nose |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
every dog has its day fer sure
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" | |
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Posted: 2004-10-09 22:51
