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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
buluayam
Joined: Dec 12, 2003
Posts: 97
PM |
Women's Dictionary
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Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card!
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Practice Safe Fax
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Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.
Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.
Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.
Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.
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Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies...
Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.
If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
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Just goes to show how differently men and women look at things...
HER DIARY
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant
and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today the Leafs lost. At least I got laid.
[ This Message was edited by: buluayam on 2004-03-12 13:01 ]
[ This Message was edited by: buluayam on 2004-03-12 13:08 ]
[ This Message was edited by: buluayam on 2004-03-12 13:18 ] | |
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ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
PM |
lame...i know! but amusing tho 
$...NO
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!
Dear Bo$$,
In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given so much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean, plea$e re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
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soichiro
Joined: Jan 12, 2004
Posts: 258
From: Cucumberland
PM |
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
=====================================================
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
=====================================================
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
=====================================================
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to
leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
=====================================================
God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece. 
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. |
Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
PM, WWW
|
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
Shawn, said Pat, can you hear me??
Faintly, Shawn replied, Yes, Paddy, I can.
Bashfully, Pat started, Do you remember our pact, Shawn??
Yes, I do Patty, Shawn strained.
And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?? said Pat.
Yes Patty, I do, whispered Shawn.
''It's a very old bottle now, you know, urged Pat.
And what are you gettin' at Pat?? asked Shawn, briskly.
Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first??
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
soichiro
Joined: Jan 12, 2004
Posts: 258
From: Cucumberland
PM |
Rhyme with the most romantic first line... but least romantic second line.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
 Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. |
50Cent
Joined: Nov 08, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: ...whatever psycho!!!
PM |
lol, its quite good
Trusted Trader: 50Cent (+6, -0)
|
Lynx69
Joined: Feb 22, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: [ENGLAND]
PM |
I have two:
I like it wet,
It dribbles down my chin,
Then when i think the time is right,
I'll ram the F**ker in!!!!
.
.
.
.
.Cadbury's Creme Egg
How do you eat yours??
AND:
(Assume you are a girl if you are a boy)
It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuss but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place
He probes deeply and you shiver, your body tenses but he's gentle like he promised he'd be
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him, he's done this many times before
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry
but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way
pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet
most rewarding experience
You smile and thank your dentist
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled out
Naughty, Naughty!
What were you thinking?
PERVERT I know what you were thinking!
 >>*Wow 2100+ posts*<< |
soichiro
Joined: Jan 12, 2004
Posts: 258
From: Cucumberland
PM |
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. |
50Cent
Joined: Nov 08, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: ...whatever psycho!!!
PM |
Hours of entertainment......this thread owns! 
_________________
My friends Nokia blew up in his pocket
Wow 400+ posts....
Need help on mp3 playes
MP3 players
[ This Message was edited by: Twista on 2004-03-28 16:27 ]
[ This Message was edited by: Twista on 2004-03-28 16:32 ] |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
The Sex Of A Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
soichiro
Joined: Jan 12, 2004
Posts: 258
From: Cucumberland
PM |
true dat!!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. |
Lynx69
Joined: Feb 22, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: [ENGLAND]
PM |
Quote:
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On 2004-03-29 14:45:32, soichiro wrote:
true dat!!
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Oh ma days...oh ffs..thats one of ma sayings!!! 
>>*Wow 2100+ posts*<< | |
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2004-03-12 13:57
>>*Wow 2100+ posts*<< 
