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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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@shits - is it safe to check it out in a room full of family?
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Deanlambert
Joined: Sep 10, 2003
Posts: 466
From: East Yorkshire
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Can we get this joke thread on wap
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tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
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eh...?
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Deanlambert
Joined: Sep 10, 2003
Posts: 466
From: East Yorkshire
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It's ok tranquil, managed to sort my problem out
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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Quote:
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On 2004-01-30 19:00:46, Eleventy7 wrote:
@shits - is it safe to check it out in a room full of family?
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it is mate....its all in words...thank god.....
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend runs an emulation program and the sound is turned off. Unfortunately, the DrinkingBuddies emulation for GirlFriend never seems to work, and I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.
I just run them separately, and it works okay. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. But after months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right-as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I booted up it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for awhile.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI Probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
still in my system.
I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed,but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and uninstalls itself, then shuts the system down.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold- plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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thank god my wife v1.0 is still workin flawlessly
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating TABLE she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released FROM the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home,
she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God Replied,"I didn't recognize you."
_________________
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner,
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a nice liar."
_________________--
A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs.
The man shrugs it off... The bartender looks at him and laughs again,
the barteneder finnaly went over to the man and said
"I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen."
The man replied by saying I dont think so. I can get any lady that I want.
The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at
a table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet
$50 that he couldn't get the woman to even talk to him.
The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her.
The bartender accepted. The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door.
The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "damn that sucks but what happened?"
The man replied with "I dont know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows."
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Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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hahahah Licking hes eyebrows good one 
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Cycovision
Joined: Nov 30, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: England
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There was once a company called 'Baxters Nails' that, surprisingly enough, made nails. Anyway, times were hard and they needed to do something quickly before they went bust, so the managing director called the sales director and said, 'Look John, I want you to come up with something really good and really fast, cos we're in very big trouble here you know...'
So John has a think about it and after a while, decides to call a marketing consultant. The marketing consultant listens to their story and immediately says 'What you need to do is advertise on the television. That'll get you loads of customers.'
'Oh yes?', says John, 'and how much will that cost?'
'Well,' says the consultant, 'there are two options, for £2000 well make you an advert and put it on at three oclock in the morning...'
'Oh, no' says John, 'Thats no good, whats the other option?'
'The other option,' says the consultant, 'is that for £20,000 we make you an advert and put it on at a quarter to eight, Monday evening, right in the middle of Coronation Street. Millions will see it!'
'OH YES!' says John 'Well definately take that!'
'OK' says the consultant, 'Make sure you're watching on monday evening, I promise you youll LOVE it!'
Anyway, Monday evening comes around and John settles down to watch Coronation Street. Sure enough, right in the middle of it, an advert comes on showing an image of Jesus nailed to the cross with a huge slogan underneath saying 'For strength and reliability, use baxters nails'.
Well, John leaps out of his chair, runs to the telephone and calls the marketing consultant. 'WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?' he cries, 'You cant put that on, it's blasphemy, well get closed down!'
'Ok, calm down' says the consultant, 'I tell you what, we'll make you another advert and put it on at the same time next week. This time you'll love it, I promise you...'
So, Monday comes round again and as before, John sits patiently through the first half of Coronation Street waiting for the ads. The ads come on, and suddenly there's a picture of a beautiful green hill, with Jesus running down it as fast as he can and two Roman guards chasing after him. One of the guards turns to the other and, panting heavily, says: 'I TOLD you we should have used Baxters Nails...'
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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i'll second that
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he noticed the size of his manhood. I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's private bit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. The bartender replied, "Yes." So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money. A whole 4 cents." "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lip began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice,I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .............. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and even your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
NEVER Step on a Duck - Redneck Edition
Clarence, Billy Bob and Bubba were travelling through Europe on military leave when they came across a strange old town, protected by an ancient stone wall. They were getting hungry, and decided to stop and look for something to eat. A guard dressed in heavy leather and chain mail met them at the gate.
"You may enter," said the guard, "But we have one rule here: Never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished!"
Clarence, Billy Bob, and Bubba thought this was strange, but since they were hungry they passed through the gate, and found that there were ducks everywhere! It was a impossible to keep from stepping on one!
It was only a matter of time when Clarence accidentally stepped on a duck. Suddenly, a troop of guards stormed down the street and carried him away in chains! He was taken to prison and thrown into a cell with the meanest, ugliest woman you ever saw!
Billy Bob and Bubba saw this, and were extremely careful not to step on any ducks, but sure enough, it was only a few minutes until Billy Bob stepped on one!
Billy Bob was immedietly chained to a woman even uglier than the first one; She was fat, and dirty, and nagged constantly!
By this time Bubba was afraid to even take a step! It took him a half an hour just to walk a single block. Suddenly, for no reason, a guard ran up to Bubba and chained him to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen! She was tall, with blue eyes and long blonde hair, and wore a stunning red dress, all decked out in diamonds and gold! She must have been a princess! Bubba couldn't believe his eyes!
"What did I ever do to deserve this?" asked Bubba.
"I don't know what you did," said the princess, "But I stepped on a duck!"
NEVER Step on a Duck - Heavenly Edition
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... Don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck. Along comes St. Peter with another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then, one day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... tall, muscular and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
artemiy
Joined: Sep 26, 2003
Posts: 265
From: Russian Federation
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I'll post here a bit later (read: when I'll translate it into english) a "Chronicles of the sabotage subdivision" It's very cool! | |
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2004-01-30 19:00
