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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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@eleventy7: u really haf to keep it up man.....just love reading the stuff u post here...... makes my day somewat too since i've been kept bizi as hell lately.......cheers mate!!
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" | |
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701
Joined: Nov 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Romania
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Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at
the windshields of air-liners, military jets and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."
_________________
" They say i'm sick; they`re right, it's called 'Terminal Boredom!' "
[ This Message was edited by: 701 on 2004-01-12 06:48 ] |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Quote:
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On 2004-01-12 04:19:29, shithappens wrote:
@eleventy7: u really haf to keep it up man.....just love reading the stuff u post here...... makes my day somewat too since i've been kept bizi as hell lately.......cheers mate!!
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hehe no probs mate, glad to be of service
just for that, here's one for today! :
An Alabama preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family. "
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice shook as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2004-01-12 19:28 ] |
ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
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mymy... so much new material... cant decide what to post 
well... here are the creme de la cream 
It was late at night in a well-known spot for "parking." A Policeman
sees a couple in a car with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this urprising situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window. The young man lowers his window..."Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, officer...I'm reading a magazine..."
Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs, "I believe she's knitting a pullover..."
The cop is totally confused.. A young couple alone in a car at night...
And nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir..."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and says, " She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
--------------------
A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"
--------------------
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob says, "No, what do you mean?"
"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office.
He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist. "May I help you?"
Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
"Listen lady, I am 67 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day
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Hit Man
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... he's naked as well! The *****!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the man impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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lol wery very good Shawo. I laughd my arse off. about that hit man. |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
_________________________
A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head.
Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.
The woman reporter shouted out
"This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!".
Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers,
"I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!"
The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".
So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen.
Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50.
The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money.
I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff."
And the blonde says
"Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!"
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701
Joined: Nov 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Romania
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Little Alice comes to her mama and says:
- I met this guy today on the street and he said that if i suck his penis, he'll give me THESE ear-rings here!
" They say i'm sick; they`re right, it's called 'Terminal Boredom!' " Follow me on twitter.com/bogramaRead my Symbian UIQ 3.0 reviews at Juvo's |
Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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Krubach
Joined: Dec 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Sunny Portugal! :)
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A man get's to a therapist's room and starts:
- "Doctor I came here because i feel so bad. Everyone just ignores me.
The doctor shouts:
- "NEXT!"
[addsig] |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A woman, getting married for the fourth time,
goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk,
"You've been married three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not", the bride explained.
"My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it.
My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it.
My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"
____________________
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet,
Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said,
"Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
__________________-
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."
The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?"
The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?".
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
______________
A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall.
"Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her.
Could you please help me?"
"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.
"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.
"How's that going to help?" she asks.
"No idea really... but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours,
my wife appears out of nowhere."
__________
John, Brian, and Martin were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ole' hillbilly wives.
"You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, we ain't got no 'lectricity!"
The other two just howl with laughter.
Brian the Miniature says, "Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We ain't got no runnin' water!"
That one nearly slayed 'em.
Martin wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. 'tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers -- hell, she ain't got no dick!"
___________
There were two truck drivers in a truck riding down the interstate when
one of them told the other one he had to take a dump.
Since they were on the road and there were no truck stops for miles,
he decided to stop the truck and go behind a bush and do his business
but there was only one problem...he didnt have any toilet paper.
He asked his partner if he had some paper.He didn't have any paper,
but suggested that his friend wipe with a dollar.
The man agreed and went behind the bush and handled his business.
He came from behind the bush with poop all over his hand
so his partner asked him what happened and he replied,
"Do you know how hard it is to wipe your ass with four quarters?"
__________
At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2004-01-29 17:54 ] |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
darn good ones mate...it's really good but u din hafta repeat the last one
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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ooops! edited it now 
Prison V Work
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer. IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.AT WORK...they are called managers
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2004-01-29 18:08 ] |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
rite on again mate.....as usual..... and who said crime doesn't pay
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
@eleventy7: u shud check this thread out and follow the link...its xcellent
CyberSex Gone Wrong!!
_________________
If it looks like shit, feels like shit, smells like shit & tastes like shit...it's prolly a NOKIA!!!
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2004-01-30 02:04 ] |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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prision! Hmm thats an idea! Neeh think il raher go to Lumpaland first.
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Posted: 2004-01-12 04:19
