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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living... Little Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn and now it was Little Johnny's turn. Finally, the teacher asks, "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny replies, "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that," says the teacher. "What did he do before he died?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
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A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?" Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age?In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...." Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of weenies are there?" The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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 xmas decor!!!!! damn that's gross 
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to
eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the
middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their
maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to
you for the rest of the day.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then
you don 't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you
live.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the
world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons some are sharp, some are
pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different
colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a
detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
Don't go out without ID.
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
tis is a good one...*haha*
Humour: Citi Bank billed
If you have ever had to deal with a major
corporation's customer service then you will really appreciate this.
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her
for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit
card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly
charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around
$60.00)
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or
report
her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her
being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
(After they get the fax)
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and
plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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is this a true phone call?
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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apparently it is 
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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The funiest phone thing ever done is by me: I used to work for a anoying company that calls people up and sell the advertisment. So i calld up this one guy and he just start to say: OI listen if i need ur help i call u guys myself! And he went on and on having a go at me the seller. So i finaly said SHUTT THE FUCK UPP!! u havent even heard what i have to offer! And he did shutt up  But then i got hella scaerd of what i just had done so i said sorry i must have dialed the wrong number and then i hang up.
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Prostata
Joined: Oct 07, 2003
Posts: 2
From: Pitcairn UK Oversees theretory
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leaving quietly
[ This Message was edited by: Prostata on 2003-10-07 15:02 ] |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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now that's one candidate for the "banned for good" nomination!!!
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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what'd he say?
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Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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whatever it was.... it was probably much more rude then we'd expect out of little endre......
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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The FBI have raided Michael Jackson's penthouse in New York. The raid took place after extensive under cover operations on the odd star's many residences and favorite haunts. The NYPD have issued a statement stating on one of the raids they Found class A drugs in his kitchen, class B drugs in his lounge, and class 5C in his bedroom
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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This guy was lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a
pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a
drink. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with
me and have a drink?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but
he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to
the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up
against the centipede's house and started shouting, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU
LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?!"
A little voice came out of the box.
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A little farm boy was walking to the school bus one morning when he began kicking farm animals. First he kicked a pig. Then he kicked a chicken. Lastly he kicked a cow. His mother,watching from the kitchen window decided she would handle the situation after he returned from school. When he comes home from school, his mother confronts him and says "I seen you this morning kicking those farm animals. since you kicked a pig you get no pork products for a week. Since you kicked a chicken you get no eggs for a weeek. Since you kicked a cow, you get no beef products for a week. Now go wait for your father and tell him what you have done. " The young boy goes and waits for his father. When his father comes home from a long day of work he is so mad he kicks the cat across the front yard. The boy looks to his mother and says " You wanna tell him no pussy or do you want me to?"
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Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well,God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
_________________
i might like you better if we slept together
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-10-16 19:31 ] | |
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Posted: 2003-10-02 20:07
