| Author |
Post Your funny Jokes Here |
vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately
falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, sir, you should know five things....
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." | |
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vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...
Mr Smith: I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results.
Receptionist: Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2
sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which is yours.
I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One set shows Alzheimer's
Disease, the other shows AIDS.
Mr Smith: That's awful! What should I do?
Receptionist: The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town.
If she finds her way home, don't shag her. |
vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room
for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the
channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What they on about?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?
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vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
http://www.tv4.se/lattjo/kojan/bilbanan.asp
Something for when you get bored!!! |
vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar
counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya...Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and a
redhead came up to me... boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a
ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave, I turned off the key and I said 'It's either
screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end
of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.
Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came
up to me, boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can
have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one.
I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She
couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there
cryin' over a beer.
Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to
me...boobies WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here. I had more
wood than my boat does!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you
can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,Dave, way WAAAYYY
out...much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at
her boobies and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.... She had a d!ck, Dave! She had
this great BIG f##ken d!ck!........
And I can't swim Dave! I can't f##ken swim man!!!!!!" |
vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented
the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took
him to catch them.
- "Not very long," answered the Mexican.
- "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the
American. The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet
his needs and those of his family.
The American asked:
- "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
- "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta
with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends,
have
a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life."
The American interrupted:
- "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by
fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With
the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the
larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on
until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to
a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and
maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and
move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can
direct your huge enterprise."
- "How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
- "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
- "And after that?"
- "Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the
American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start
selling stocks and make millions!"
- "Millions? Really? And after that?"
- "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the
coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a
siesta,
and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
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vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
Traditional Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the
milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION #2 aka The Enron Venture Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights
of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman
Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual
report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you
with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create
clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for
lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others
for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who
reported the numbers.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory,
an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their
calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people? |
vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
I think thats enough for today!! lol  |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
God you have been busy
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vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
Just a few of the office emails that fly around! |
vimto2000
Joined: May 22, 2002
Posts: 80
From: UK
PM |
Just a few of the office emails that fly around! |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
That's where I get most of mine from
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Psykotik
Joined: Jan 18, 2002
Posts: 476
From: the safety of my padded cell
PM |
How do you drown a dumb blonde?
Sellotape a mirror to the bottom of a swimming pool.
Theres the Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman and Santa Claus is a lift, theres a wallet on the floor. Which one picks it up?
The Perfect Man of course, the other two are fairy tales!
Ghandi walked around a lot in his life time yes? So he must have had calloused feet. He was also a highly religious man. And as he didnt eat very often he must have had bad breath.
Does that mean he is a Super Calloused Hedonistic Cursed With Hallitosis? |
Psykotik
Joined: Jan 18, 2002
Posts: 476
From: the safety of my padded cell
PM |
How do you drown a dumb blonde?
Sellotape a mirror to the bottom of a swimming pool.
Theres the Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman and Santa Claus is a lift, theres a wallet on the floor. Which one picks it up?
The Perfect Man of course, the other two are fairy tales!
Ghandi walked around a lot in his life time yes? So he must have had calloused feet. He was also a highly religious man. And as he didnt eat very often he must have had bad breath.
Does that mean he is a Super Calloused Hedonistic Cursed With Hallitosis?
Whats the difference between pink and purple?
Grip!
Whats 12 inches long and makes women scream all night long?
Cot death!! |
Psykotik
Joined: Jan 18, 2002
Posts: 476
From: the safety of my padded cell
PM |
Whats the difference between a night with a prostitute and bungee jumping?
Nothing, both cost £45, both last 45 seconds and if the elastic breaks your f**ked!  | |
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Posted: 2002-06-28 12:27
