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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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eh!! et tu N.M.E ???
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" | |
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shaggyhog
Joined: Aug 13, 2003
Posts: 164
From: Scotland (in exile)
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On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial
harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark hunting....
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect women met.After a perfect courtship, they had a wedding. Their life together was, of corse, perfect.One snowy, stromy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Audi Quatio) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,they stopped to help. There stood Santa CLaus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of Christmas. The perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were drivng along delivering the toys. Unfortunatly, the driving conditons deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one survived the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really exised in the first place.Everyone knows there is no santa claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men scroll down.So if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you are reading this, this illustrates another point. Women never listen.
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When Joe went on his blind date, he really didn't know what to expect. But when he got to the door, a stunning young woman answered the doorbell ring; but she was in a wheel chair and had no arms nor legs. Since she was so pretty and obviously very intelligent, Joe decided rather than hurt her, he would go through with the date. When he picked her up out of the wheel chair and put her in the car, he thought she had purposely rubbed her bottom across his lap and when she sat next to him, she constantly touched him with her body. They had a wonderful time, and when he tookd her out of the car and put her in her wheel chair, she asked him if he would like to have sex with her. He answered, "Yes, but how?" She said, "Take me into the back yard, and hang me up on the clothesline with the big clothespins; we can have all kinds of fun." She was certainly right about that, Joe thought as he took her off the clothesline and put her back in her wheel chair. She said, "Oh, my Daddy will just think you're so GREAT! He's been looking out the window all this time." Panicking, Joe said, "He KNOWS? and you think he's going to think I'm Great? How do you figure that?" "Easy," said his date, "you're the first one that's ever taken me off the clothesline!"
_________________
i might like you better if we slept together
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-09-26 19:07 ] |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A city slicker was walking down a dirt road in the country he spotted a farmers house with some milk weed in the front yard. So he walks up to the house and siad to the farmer, "I noticed you have some milk weed in your front yard, do you mind if I get some?" The farmer replied, "You can try all you want, but your not going to get any milk out of them." So five minutes later the city slicker came back to the house with a hat full of milk. The farmer was astonished. He said "While I was out there, I noticed you had some butter cups, do you mind if I get some?" the farmer replied "You might have gotten milk out of milk weed but your not going to get butter out of butter cup, but you can try if you'd like." Five minutes later, the city slicker returned with a hat full of butter. Once again the farmer couldn't believe it. The city slicker said "While I was out there I noticed you had a pussy willow." The farmer replies "I'l go get my hat."
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Once there was a guy that needed to make some money, so he thought about it for awhile. He had seen an elephant stand on 4 legs, 3 legs, 2 legs, even 1 leg. He had never seen an elephant stand on no legs. So he went out an bought an elephant. He posted a sign letting people know he was giving $1,000 to anyone that can make his elephant stand on no legs. For each try he charged $200. So people came and went and the man was making alot of money cause everyone was failing. Then one day a man in a blue chevy drove up and paid his $200. He walked over to the elephant with a large stick behind his back. He said "Now elephant I want you to stand on no legs, the elephant just stared. So the guy walked around to the back of the elephant and WHACK!!! right in the unmentionables. The elephant jumped up and the man recieved his $1,000. The elephants owner had to think of a better plan because the guy took all the money he had made. So he says, "I have seen an elephant shake his head up and down but I have never seen an elephant shake his head left to right. So people came and went paying there money but never getting the elephant to shake it's head left to right. then the man in the blue chevy drove up and walked up to the elephant and said, "Do you remember me?" and the elephant shook its head up and down. The man said "Do you want me to do it again?".....
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N.M.E.
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
Posts: 124
From: Western Australia
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lol! :)
Sorry. Perth people seem to have a not-too-good view of Eastern Staters. I do believe it's the same the other way round. Australia is wierd man :P
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing - Edmund Burke |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
vinnieza
Joined: Sep 25, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: UK or was it Pluto?
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this is a pritty rubbish one but oh well.
What did the nokia say to the other nokia?
Looking quite fat today.
that was so not funny 
* No questions asked * |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it.
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Van walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a couple of sips he looks up and sees a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He calls the bartender over and says he'd like to buy the lady a drink.
The bartender says, 'Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She's a lesbian.'
Van takes a second, thinks it over, shrugs his shoulders and says, 'that's OK, I'd like to buy her a drink anyway.
So the bartender brings the woman her drink. The woman lifts her glass and gives Van a nod of thanks. Van gets up from his bar stool and saunters over to the woman. As he's sitting down on the stool next to her and says, 'So, what part of Lesbia are you from?'
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Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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N.M.E.
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
Posts: 124
From: Western Australia
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Hahaha...Lesbia. I can't believe I haven't heard that before.
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing - Edmund Burke |
Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of
my computer screen".
The surprised salesman replies: "But, madam, computers do not have
curtains"!!!....
And the blonde said: "Helloooo....??! I've got Windows"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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ShawO
Joined: Jun 09, 2002
Posts: 248
From:
PM |
sounds so much better comin from a blonde
no hard feelings 
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him; he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die?"
She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."
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Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. So there Ah Beng was, telling and bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. "This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!" "Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian. "Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!" So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!" So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post. "Alamak! What are u doing?!!! U Siao Char Bo! U see lah!!! Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng. "Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"*
The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough lifeboats. So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children. To the British he said, "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped. To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied. To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed. To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged. Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal: "Free life jackets for those who jumped."
3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the army's supply base to collect their underwear. Their sergeant was there to aid the supplies.
Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwear you need ah?
Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen(sergeant)!
Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?
Ah Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day one.
Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwear?
Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen!
Sergeant: (curious) How come six?
Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday I wear sarong.
Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many underwear dah dei?
Tambhi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!
Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why do you need so many for?
Tambhi: January, February, March.....One month one.
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien meaning Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were indignant and kicked up a big fuss, claiming that the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down. Finally, after many hours of talking, the manager managed to find out that the Ah Bengs were actually asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.
One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey of a building and wanted to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they were not English-educated, they were puzzled and really had no idea what does the letter G mean. Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian, "Wow, how you know one?" The first Ah Lian reply smugly, "Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..."
Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated from Law school and decided to apply for a job in the most prestigious "Lee & Lee Law Firm" company. During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at Santa Singh's resume, thinks for a while and said, "Well, I would need to discuss your application with my wife. " And went off to discuss Santa's application with his wife. Lee KY's wife said, "C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning with 'Lee' only? Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!" So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection. Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request for another interview and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire.......' when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just changed my name. Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, "What is your new name then?" On this, Santa Singh replied 'Surname Lee, Last name, Manga!' (Manga-Li)
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the
clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends
new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a
stockbroker,and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care
of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons.
How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay
bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled
about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends
gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.
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N.M.E.
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
Posts: 124
From: Western Australia
PM |
Sorry..I didnt get any of those jokes ShawO :P
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing - Edmund Burke | |
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Posted: 2003-09-26 10:49
