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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said
in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get
away from her before she s**ts on you!"
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An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
”Captain Marvel has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put
up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. “Tray up, bitch."
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An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill, (the Australian barmaid) takes his order (1 pint of Fosters) and notices his Australian accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have s#x with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the dirty deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders another Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound -and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar.
But this night he just orders his Fosters and goes and sits in the corner. Jill (a little disappointed) thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention and maybe she can skank some cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I..." she says. "...What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he says. "That's amazing..." she says, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he says. "This is unbelievable..." she says, "...what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are not going to believe this..." she says, "...I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says "...your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"
He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
N.M.E.
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
Posts: 124
From: Western Australia
PM |
lol...Aussie joke was good...Cept we don't really drink Fosters...
Well maybe they do in Melbourne, but they are strange :P
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing - Edmund Burke |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
ahem!!! i happened to like fosters quite a bit mate
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
N.M.E.
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
Posts: 124
From: Western Australia
PM |
lol....not from Melbourne by any chance? :P
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing - Edmund Burke |
tranquil
Joined: Dec 15, 2001
Posts: > 500
From: Oslo, Norway
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"A Prison Break"
A prisoner escapes from a prison where he
had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away,
he finds a house and breaks into it looking for
money and guns...but, he finds a young couple
in bed. He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up
on a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he
gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then
gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife :
"Listen! This guy is an escaped prisoner, look at
his clothes! He probably has spent lots of time in
prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw
how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex...don't
resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you...
give him satisfaction! This guy must be dangerous!
And, if he gets angry, he will kill us! Be strong, honey.
I love you!"
The wife responds: "He was not kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was
gay, found you very sexy and asked if we kept any
Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love
you, too!!"
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled
out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to
find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be
some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she
replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No,
not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he
then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's
me before the operation."
_________________
 Tranquil
[ This Message was edited by: tranquil on 2003-09-23 10:00 ] |
Vlammetje
Joined: Mar 01, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Den Haag
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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heard them both before but still goodies
Quote:
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On 2003-09-22 06:07:29, shithappens wrote:
ahem!!! i happened to like fosters quite a bit mate
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erm u mean there's actually someone on this earth that does like fosters?!
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N.M.E.
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
Posts: 124
From: Western Australia
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lol.
I thought Fosters was really popular in the UK??
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing - Edmund Burke |
Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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not by people that have tastebuds! erm it's popular with underage drinkers, but only when cider and alcopops have sold out
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Eleventy7
Joined: Jul 05, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: the rotten oasis
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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked,"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs? "I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" "No, I don't". He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?" "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80"?
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N.M.E.
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
Posts: 124
From: Western Australia
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lol. good one!
Hmm..People who aren't brought up on Aussie beer seem to have trouble with it...Especially is European beer is the alternative. Must be an acquired taste I guess :P
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing - Edmund Burke |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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Quote:
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On 2003-09-23 04:10:25, N.M.E. wrote:
lol....not from Melbourne by any chance? 
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yup!!! spent 3 glorious years of my uni life there.......
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
N.M.E.
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
Posts: 124
From: Western Australia
PM |
Well that explains it...They are always up to strange things :P
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing - Edmund Burke | |
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Posted: 2003-09-19 08:39
