Posted by Eleventy7
A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living... Little Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn and now it was Little Johnny's turn. Finally, the teacher asks, "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny replies, "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that," says the teacher. "What did he do before he died?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
______________
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?" Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age?In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...." Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of weenies are there?" The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."
Posted by shithappens
xmas decor!!!!! damn that's gross 
Posted by Eleventy7
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to
eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the
middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their
maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to
you for the rest of the day.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then
you don 't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you
live.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the
world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons some are sharp, some are
pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different
colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a
detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
Don't go out without ID.
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
Posted by shithappens
tis is a good one...*haha*
Humour: Citi Bank billed
If you have ever had to deal with a major
corporation's customer service then you will really appreciate this.
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her
for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit
card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly
charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around
$60.00)
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or
report
her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her
being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
(After they get the fax)
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and
plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
Posted by Bjerkebanen
is this a true phone call?
Posted by shithappens
apparently it is
Posted by Bjerkebanen
The funiest phone thing ever done is by me: I used to work for a anoying company that calls people up and sell the advertisment. So i calld up this one guy and he just start to say: OI listen if i need ur help i call u guys myself! And he went on and on having a go at me the seller. So i finaly said SHUTT THE FUCK UPP!! u havent even heard what i have to offer! And he did shutt up
But then i got hella scaerd of what i just had done so i said sorry i must have dialed the wrong number and then i hang up.
Posted by Prostata
leaving quietly
[ This Message was edited by: Prostata on 2003-10-07 15:02 ]
Posted by shithappens
now that's one candidate for the "banned for good" nomination!!!
Posted by Eleventy7
what'd he say?
Posted by Vlammetje
whatever it was.... it was probably much more rude then we'd expect out of little endre......
Posted by Eleventy7
The FBI have raided Michael Jackson's penthouse in New York. The raid took place after extensive under cover operations on the odd star's many residences and favorite haunts. The NYPD have issued a statement stating on one of the raids they Found class A drugs in his kitchen, class B drugs in his lounge, and class 5C in his bedroom
Posted by Eleventy7
This guy was lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a
pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a
drink. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with
me and have a drink?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but
he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to
the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up
against the centipede's house and started shouting, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU
LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?!"
A little voice came out of the box.
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
Posted by shithappens
Posted by Eleventy7
A little farm boy was walking to the school bus one morning when he began kicking farm animals. First he kicked a pig. Then he kicked a chicken. Lastly he kicked a cow. His mother,watching from the kitchen window decided she would handle the situation after he returned from school. When he comes home from school, his mother confronts him and says "I seen you this morning kicking those farm animals. since you kicked a pig you get no pork products for a week. Since you kicked a chicken you get no eggs for a weeek. Since you kicked a cow, you get no beef products for a week. Now go wait for your father and tell him what you have done. " The young boy goes and waits for his father. When his father comes home from a long day of work he is so mad he kicks the cat across the front yard. The boy looks to his mother and says " You wanna tell him no pussy or do you want me to?"
__________________________
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well,God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
_________________
i might like you better if we slept together
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-10-16 19:31 ]
Posted by Eleventy7
no posts for 9 days!
A couple was making love outdoors when suddenly a bee flies into the woman’s vagina. They go to the hospital were the doctor say "mmm, well with both your permission I could put some honey on the tip of my penis and try to lure him out". So the doctor puts some honey on the tip of his penis and starts to gently push it in and out of the vagina. He started pushing harder and harder up until the point were he started ramming his penis up her vagina. The boyfriend said, "What the hell do you think your doing". "I’ve changed my mind I’m going to drown the bastard"!!!
______________________________
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
_________________________
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.
He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"
_______________________
A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quicky rushed to the emergency room.The doctor there told him, “Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do'.”
“But I don't have the fingers!”
“What! You don't have the fingers!?” said the doctor, “You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsugery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new.”
“But Doc, I couldn't pick them up.”
_____________________
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
_______________________
A guy went to a whore-house for some head. But when he got it, he didn't use a condom, and he cummed in the prostitutes mouth.
She gargles it, then she spits it in a bucket.
"Don't like to swallow it, eh?" asks the man.
"Actually," says the slut, "me and another girl have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets t drink both of them
_____________________-----
Once upon a time two penniless bums stood on the street corner. "Boy," one of them said, "I'm Thirsty."
The second bum was looking through the trash. "Look what I found," he said, "a hotdog."
"That gives me an idea," said the first bum. "Lets go to a bar, order drinks, and when the bartender asks us for money, I'll stick the hotdog out my zipper, and you'll suck it."
"Thats not gonna work," says the second bum.
They went to the bar and ordered drinks. When the bartender asked for money, the first bum stuck the hotdog out of his zipper, and the second bum starting sucking it.
"Get out of here you nice faggets," says the bartender.
After about ten bars, the second bum said to the first bum, "My knees are getting sore, how about giving me the hotdog for a while?"
"That old thing?" says the first bum,"I lost that 7 bars ago."
_________________
Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved
them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a
girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry,
he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will
never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme
sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly
thereafter.
Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had
to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called
his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk
home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They
were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had
three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home he had gas.
His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him,
exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner
tonight!"
She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table.
He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she
returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten
eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.
Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming
on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This
was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made
a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow
his wife didn't hear him.
While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again
fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the
end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife
returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured
her that he had not.
At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise --
Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday
party!
____________________
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a
salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he
missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best
cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him
to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had
transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough
syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John
explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp
post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
____________________
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City
building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator,
smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says
arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also
very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an
ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination
and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks
both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says,
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.
___________
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said,
"Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in
my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat
them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
________________
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
___________________
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for
several years.
On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this
she let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign
and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He
rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a
real breakthrough.
The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try
oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he
didn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, then came out
about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is
dead. The doctor asked what happened, to which the man replied,
"She choked."
__________________
City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Posted by N.M.E.
lol...excellent post after that slump :P
Posted by Eleventy7
i'm guessing there'll be another slump now
Posted by Eleventy7
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
______________
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'
__________________
A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."
Posted by masseur
bumping this for sony_eric to repost his joke
Posted by Eleventy7
what joke was that? did i miss summat?
Posted by amagab
This one you have to read out to hear it in voice because of spelling differences:
You know the difference between Michael Jackson and a greyhound?
-Greyhounds wait for the hare to come out.
Posted by Bjerkebanen
What is the smilaritie between Michael Jacson and a Marc & Spencer plastic bag?
They are both made of plastic both withe and they coud be harmfull for littel children
Posted by shithappens
sick but funni as hell
Posted by Eleventy7
both funny, but both jokes are about the same age as the kids, 10years old!
Posted by Bjerkebanen
Yeah but im 20
So that just makes things een more twisted and messd up
Posted by gelfen
apologies if any are repeats (like yeah, i was gonna read fifty plus pages!)
here we go...
Question : What is the differance between Micheal Jackson and a plastic bag
Answer: Well, one's white and plastic and dangerous for your children to
play with, and the other one, you carry your groceries home in !
*******************************************
POLICE NEWS:
Michael Jackson's home has been raided by the police this morning. They found Class A drugs in the lounge, Class B drugs in the kitchen and Class 5C in the bedroom.
*******************************************
Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
He heard boys' pants were half-off!
***********************************************
What do Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common?
They both ride 4 year olds.
********************************************
Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men?
He thought they were a delivery service.
********************************************
Posted by gelfen
you may also like to check the Russian Roulette thread in MPFZ.
Posted by gelfen
Basic Flying Rules:
· Try to stay in the middle of the air.
· Do not go near the edges of it.
· The edges of the air can be recognised by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea and trees. It is much more difficult to fly there.
-------------------
Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go 'round and 'round. I told him no one pulls a fast one on this old lady. Even though I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde, that doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid! I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me last year; that, "in one year they would pay for themselves!" I really shut him up, because he just hung up on me.
Posted by gelfen
A man is at home drinking a few beers and there is a knock at the door.
He opens it and sees a huge cockroach. The cockroach punches him in the face and runs off. He reflects on this the next day and thinks he must have had too much beer.
The next night he has no beer and there is a knock at the door. He opens the door and the huge cockroach is there again. The cockroach kicks him in the shins, pushed him over and leaves. He realises that it is not the beer. He goes to the doctor and asks, "Am I crazy? I think I have been beaten up by a giant cockroach."
The doctor replies, "No, you're not going mad. There is a nasty bug
going around."
boom-boom!
--------------------
A guy moves into an apartment complex.
He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears
a door open in the hall.
He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman
dressed only in a bathrobe come out.
He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail,
but she engages him in conversation.
As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe
opens slightly and he notices she is wearing only the robe.
They talk a little more, and she says,
"Shhh, I think I hear somebody coming.
Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?"
He agrees to this.
As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe
falls to the floor and he gets a good eyeful.
She then says, "Now that you've had a good look,
what do you think is the best part of my body?"
He says, "Your ears."
She replies, "My ears? Look at these tits, look at
this arse, look at my pussy. How can you say my ears?!"
He replied,
"Remember in the hall when you said you
heard somebody coming?
That was me."
_________________
Gee, does that beat me? I only got two pair - two aces, and another two.
[ This Message was edited by: gelfen on 2003-12-12 03:02 ]
Posted by amagab
SHIT ACCORDING TO WORLD RELIGIONS
Protestants - Let shit happen to someone else
Adventists - There shall be no shit on Saturdays
Amish - Shit helps our crops grow
Atheists - Shit doesn’t exist
Buddhists - If shit happens, it really isn’t shit
Christian Scientists - Shit exists only in the mind
Confucians - Confucious says: “Shit happens”
Existentialists - What is shit anyway?
Hedonists - There is nothing like good shit
Hindus - Shit is the result of a past life
Hare Krishnas - Shit happens, rama rama, hare hare
Jain - Shit needs to be respected
Jehova’s Witnesses - There is no shit in heaven
Jews - Why does shit always happen to us?
Mormons - Shit is a sign of ungodliness
Muslims - When shit happens, it is the will of Allah
Orthodox Christians - If you use enough insense, you will not notice the shit
Outcasts - There is no shit like our shit
Pacifists - Love one another
Rastafarians - Let’s smoke this shit
Roman Catholics - Shit happens when you are bad
Taoists - Shit is yang, perfume is yin
[ This Message was edited by: amagab on 2003-12-12 04:26 ]
Posted by Uncle Bob
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
_______________________
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
He asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it.
Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it' but for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
Posted by gelfen
Groan
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink
says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Answer-phone message
"... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
" My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
" What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
" No, because he's really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad......or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too
high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.
A man walks into doctor's office."What seems to be the problem?" asks the
doc.
" It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
" Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
" Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
Posted by gelfen
got this email just now....couldn't resist
At last!! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates who are just as virile as you.
INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget
some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of
your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will
receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those
women, will be at least: 0.5 miss worlds, 2.5 models 463 wild nymphos,
3,234 good-looking nymphos, 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms and 40,198 bi-sexual women. In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his
friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from
exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No
expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate........send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
Posted by Eleventy7
George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says:
"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is
referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom".
To which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom,
you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you
have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little fed up by now replied " Sorry again, Mr Bush,
but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word,
The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".
_________________________________
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.
A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"
_______________________
This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. "Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.
She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.
"What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal....and then...I come in here....and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??"
"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"
_________________________________
A Scottish old timer in Scotland is sitting in a bar talking to a young man.
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya f**k one goat . . . "
_________________________-
A teacher asked her clase, "What's the strechiest substance
in the World?"
Up jumped little Tommy, "I know this one sir."
"Yes Tommy, what would say is the most stretchy substance in
the world?"
"Human skin sir." said Tommy.
"I don't think so, but what makes you say that it's human
skin Tommy?"
"It says so in the Bible sir."
"I can't recall reading this in the Bible Tommy. Perhaps you
could quote it for us." said the teacher.
"Yes sir. It says " . . . and Jesus tied his Ass to a tree
and walked 3 miles into Jerusalem."
____________________________
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly
gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a
few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with
him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
"What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "it's just
someone getting a hole drilled in their head so
they can be fitted for their halo."
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this
one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just
someone getting holes drilled in their back so
they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away.
"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go
downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the
lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped
and sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for
that.
_________________________
An Italian, an Irish man and a Chinese man all get jobs at a construction site. The boss of the site walks up to the three men, points at a pile of sand behind him and then pointing at the Italian says "You're in charge of sweeping". He then points to the Irish man and says "You're in charge of digging". Finally he points to the Chinese man and says "You're in charge of supplies." He carries on speaking "I'm going to be gone for a while and when I come back I expect to at least see you guys have made a dent in that pile".
The boss comes back two hours later to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irish man standing by. He walks up to them and shouts "what the hell have you been doing for the last two hours, and where's the Chinese man?" The Italian tells him "you put us two in charge of sweeping and digging, but we don't have a broom or a spade. You put the Chinese man in charge of supplies, but he's disappeared." The boss looks round and searches for the strange Orient. Suddenly when the boss approaches the pile of sand, the Chinese man jumps from behind the sand and yells "Supplies!"
Posted by Eleventy7
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
Posted by Ayush
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What was that??
Posted by gigolo (",)
Posted by folling182
A couple lying in bed in the morning...
The man says "darling,is the clitoris at the back or at the front"
The lady relplies "ermm...at the front"
Man "for f**k sake,that means i've spent all night licking your hemorroid"
Posted by shithappens
ouch and
good one there mate....
Posted by Bjerkebanen
That one was funny.
Heres somthing funny: If you recive a SMS this Monday replay it by saying: Okay CUNT
Then the nxt time u meet the person try to exsplain that it means: see you next thursday
_________________
HOME.NO/GURU4U
WWW.LUMPALAND.CO.UK
The Bjerky exspedition
[ This Message was edited by: Bjerkebanen on 2004-01-05 03:06 ]
Posted by shithappens
CUNT = c u next thursday......
Posted by Bjerkebanen
oh im sorry my bad its:
CUNT = C U Next Tusday
Posted by anish
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@sony-eric
You posted a coconut tree (I think) joke in another thread for jokes and Masseur bumped this thread for you to post it here. This was a month back.
Posted by Eleventy7
Bob and his wife live up north. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through"
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Posted by shithappens
@eleventy7: u really haf to keep it up man.....just love reading the stuff u post here......
makes my day somewat too since i've been kept bizi as hell lately.......cheers mate!!
Posted by 701
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at
the windshields of air-liners, military jets and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."
_________________
" They say i'm sick; they`re right, it's called 'Terminal Boredom!' "
[ This Message was edited by: 701 on 2004-01-12 06:48 ]
Posted by Eleventy7
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hehe no probs mate, glad to be of service
just for that, here's one for today!
:
An Alabama preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family. "
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice shook as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2004-01-12 19:28 ]
Posted by ShawO
mymy... so much new material... cant decide what to post
well... here are the creme de la cream
It was late at night in a well-known spot for "parking." A Policeman
sees a couple in a car with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this urprising situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window. The young man lowers his window..."Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, officer...I'm reading a magazine..."
Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs, "I believe she's knitting a pullover..."
The cop is totally confused.. A young couple alone in a car at night...
And nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir..."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and says, " She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
--------------------
A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"
--------------------
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob says, "No, what do you mean?"
"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office.
He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist. "May I help you?"
Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
"Listen lady, I am 67 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day
--------------------
Hit Man
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... he's naked as well! The *****!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the man impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
Posted by Bjerkebanen
lol wery very good Shawo. I laughd my arse off. about that hit man.