Posted by methylated_spirit
For those of you not familiar with The Viz, it is basically a comic book for adults, and the readers letters pages are full of wit and wisdom. Here are some of the best:
Ben Hunt
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
John
Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds
It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as
well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt.
Paul Mulraney, Belfast
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '
Noel, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel
I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray
I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it, they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I might be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys?
DF Kant
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London
Supermarkets. Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice
creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit
through.
Serena Keough
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamza?
Les Barnsley
I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great sh@g. Thanks again. Baz, Bondi
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail
Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.
Gary, e-mail
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the t*at quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond
So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.
Tim
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
After suffering a head-on car crash in Northumbria recently, who should I see rubber-necking slowly past the wreckage but haughty TV chef Clarissa Dickson-Wright in her Volvo. Did she stop to offer assistance? Did she bollo
G Bryant, Sheffield
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Mrs Close,
I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.
Posted by Sammy_boy
Absolutely brilliant! Had me laughing 2 myself like a madman in the ECT suite where I've been escorting a patient!
Posted by methylated_spirit
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. Stan
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
The other day when boarding a number 83 bus, i noticed that the driver was a woman. Now Im all for interesting sociological experiments, but I draw the line at risking peoples lives. Come on London transport, get your priorities straight. Chris Stink
Why is it that pubs wont serve me if Im drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? its hardly fair. Christina Martin
These do-gooders are now telling us we shouldn't hunt elephants. Perhaps they'd like to explain where precisely we're going to get our ivory from?
I HAVE recently started to m@sturb@te whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight or a p@edophile What do your readers think? A Wood
It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan? Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast
Mix luminous paint with your dog food to help prevent unfortunate pedestrians treading on dog turds during the dark winter evenings.
They say you can't trust anybody these days.
Sadly, it is true, only yesterday, I broke into my next door neighbors, stole his telly and smashed up his house whilst he was out shopping.
Steven Arthurs, Bristol
Imagine my surprise last night when I was woken from my slumber by Cindy Crawford, who proceeded to lay on top of me, wearing only skimpy panties, and press her breasts into my face.
I was in heaven, and simply could not believe my luck, until a few seconds later, when I realised that it was only a poster of cindy crawford.
The blu tac had come loose and it had fallen off my bedroom wall and landed on me.
My only consolation is that I can now tell friends about the night cindy crawford fell for me!
Matt Suttcliffe, halifax
We are police vice squad officers, that is to say porn cops, and our favourite breakfast cereal is Corn Pops.
Do any other readers have favourite breakfast cereals that are spoonerisms of their occupations?
D.S Jackson and D.C Cobham. thames valley CID
This lesbian disease seems to be spreading to all our tv soaps nowadays.
Is this really the sort of thing we want our families to watch?
The BBC should bring back Dirty Den, he'd give these lesbians a good bloody seeing to.
That would sort them out.
D.Fireplace, Ipswich
I wish people would stop taking the **** out of Smokie, they are my favourite group and better than any of the so called 'super groups' such as the rolling stones.
They are a really nice bunch of guys too, I should know, they used to live next door to me. Alice, Skegness
recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning 'Do not use if seal is broken'. As soon as I opened it the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I wonder how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners, have fallen for this evil scam.
People who say that relaxing the licencing laws will lead to to an increase in violence should look at the figures. The present opening hours were intoduced in 1914, and were followed by 4 years of fighting in which millions of people were killed. Audrey Potter, Chelmsford
"Dear Viz. Please could you settle an argument.
My friend says Paul Daniels owns Mother Shiptons Cave.
I say he is just a horrible little tw@."
"Actually, you are both correct".
_________________
Hello, Scroto!
[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2006-03-16 15:15 ]
Posted by axxxr
Thats brilliant....I used to be an avid reader of Viz,you've reminded me once again what i've been missing!
