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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
On 2007-03-27 20:08:43, methylated_spirit wrote:
Whats 3 feet long and hates sex?
The boy in my cupboard
 Thats sick!
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deluded
Joined: Sep 14, 2005
Posts: > 500
PM |
Haha... good one meths!
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
Whats blue and f*cks your gran?
Hypothermia
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
paul101
Joined: Mar 26, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: first to last
PM, WWW
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PRODUCT WARNINGS
Dumb and Funny Warning Labels On Products
Liquid Plummer
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.
Windex
Do not spray in eyes.
Bowl Fresh
Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.
Toilet Plunger
Caution: Do not use near power lines.
Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter
Safe to use around pets.
Endust Duster
This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.
Baby Oil
Keep out of reach of children
Little Ones Baby Lotion
Keep away from children
Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.
Wet-Nap
Directions: Tear open packet and use.
Dial Soap
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Stridex Foaming Face Wash
May contain foam.
Hairdryer:
Do not use while taking a shower.
Old Spice Red Zone Deoderant
Use only on underarms.
Zantac 75
Do not take if allergic to zantac.
Sleeping Pills
Warning: May cause Drowsiness
Christmas Lights
Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.
Bic Lighter
Ignite lighter away from face.
Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark
Fire Extinguisher:
Caution: Non-Flamable
Earplugs
These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe
Mattress
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow
Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire.
Pepper Spray
Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.
Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor
Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.
Fix-a-Flat
WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.
Rain Gauge
Suitable for outdoor use.
RCA Television Remote Control
Not Dishwasher Safe
Pine Mountain Fire Logs
Caution: Risk of fire
Triops Fish Food
Warning: Not for human consumption
Home Depot Treated Lumber
Do not consume
Hair Dryer
Warning: Do not use while sleeping.
Road Sign
Caution water on road during rain.
Camera
This camera will only work when film is inside.
Road Sign
Cemetery Road. Dead End
Church Parking Lot Sign
Thou shalt not park
Children's Superman Costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Silk Soy Milk
Shake well and buy often
Air Conditioner
Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.
Rowenta Iron
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.
Slush Puppy Cup
This ice may be cold
American Airlines Peanuts
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Nabisco Easy Cheese
For best results, remove cap.
Swanson TV Dinners
This product must be cooked before eating.
Hershey's Almond Bar
Warning: May contain traces of nuts
Heinz Ketchup
Instructions: Put on food
500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.
Beach Ball
CAUTION: It is not a life saving device.
Chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.
Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
Bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
Packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
String of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you
New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.
Blanket from taiwan:
not to be used as protection from a tornado
Cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.
Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.
Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.
Disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.
Bottle of shampoo for dogs
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.
Curling Iron
Warning: This product can burn eyes.
Hair Dryer
Do not use in shower.
Hair Dryer
Do not use while sleeping.
Hand-held Massaging Device
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.
Case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.
A toilet at a public sports facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.
Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
Container of Underarm Deodorant.
Caution: Do not spray in eyes.
Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter.
Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.
Toner cartridge for a laser printer
Do not eat toner.
13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow
Not intended for highway use.
Can of self-defense pepper spray.
May irritate eyes.
Novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock"
Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.
A frisbee
Warning: May contain small parts.
A toilet bowl cleaning brush.
Do not use orally.
A birthday card for a 1 year old.
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.
Heated seat cushion
Warning: Do not use on eyes.
Microwave Oven:
Do not use for drying pets.
Electric Cattle Prod
For use on animals only.
Can of air freshener.
For use by trained personnel only.
Silly Putty
Do not use as ear plugs.
Knife sharpening stone
Warning: knives are sharp!
Deodorant
Do not use intimately.
Rat Poison
Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.
Portable stroller
Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.
Dashboard of a mail truck
Look before driving.
Children's cough medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Sign at a railroad station
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
Bottom of a supermarket dessert box
Do not turn upside down.
Package of dice.
Not for human consumption.
Bottled Drink:
Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.
Shipment of hammers
May be harmful if swallowed.
Manual for an SGI computer.
Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.
Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle
Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.
Electric Thermometer.
Do not use orally after using rectally.
Packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
Turn off motor before using this product.
6x10 inch inflatable picture frame
Not to be used as a personal flotation device.
Box of bottle rockets
Do not put in mouth.
Wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack
Remove plastic before eating.
Box for a car jack
For lifting purposes only.
Instructions for a cordless phone:
Do not put lit candles on phone.
Small print from car commercial which shows a car in the ocean
Do not drive cars in ocean.
Small print from a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert
Always drive on roads. Not on people.
Bus Stop
No stopping or standing.
Church Sign
These rows reserved for parents with children.
Bag of Fritos
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Credit card statement.
Payment is due by the due date.
Laundromat triple washer
No small children.
Sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building
Take care: new non-slip surface.
Box of Pills
Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone.
Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.
Can of black pepper.
Instructions: usage known.
Bag of cat biscuits
Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants.
Car Manual
In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.
Espresso Kettle
The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position.
T.V. manual
Do not pour liquids into your television set.
Label on a hammer
Caution - Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object
VCR box
Instructional video on hooking up VCR included.
Toilet brush
Do not use for personal hygiene.
Black rubber fishing worm
Not for human consumption.
Orange Juice Can:
100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate.
Depend Adult Diapers
Step into underwear and pull them on just like regular underwear.
Furniture Wipes
Do not use for a baby wipe.
Stickers to put on the seat of a potty training toilet
This is not a toy. Stickers require adult supervision.
Lawnmower
Warning: When Motor Is Running - The Blade Is Turning
Instructions on the bottom of a grocery store pizza
Do not turn upside down.
Bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle
Do not open here.
Bottle of bathtub cleaner
For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.
Container of lighter fluid
WARNING: Contents flammable!
Box of household nails
CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!
Microwave popcorn, packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it
Direction #1: Remove plastic.
Drink bottle label
Do not peel label off.
Woolite carpet cleaner
Safe for carpets, too!
Box of Frosted Cheerio's
The logo, "Tastes so good this box never closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place tab here."
Sterno
Do not use near fire or flame.
Container of salt
Warning: High in sodium
Hose Nozzle
Do not spray into electrical outlet.
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paul101
Joined: Mar 26, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: first to last
PM, WWW
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^^^^^^tell me what u think^^^^^^ |
mobilejoker
Joined: Apr 06, 2007
Posts: 0
PM |
I got this from my favourite joke site - Free Funny Jokes
The following are apparently actual medical records taken from patients' charts around North America:
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The patient refused an autopsy.
- The patient has no past history of suicides.
- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
- Male patient insists that his HIV was inherited, and not from sexual activity.
- Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
- Discharge status: Alive, but without permission.
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints. |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
Some of them were quite funny. 
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sailaab
Joined: May 19, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: India
PM |
On 2007-03-27 20:08:43, methylated_spirit wrote:
Whats 3 feet long and hates sex?
The boy in my cupboard
On what page of Michael Jackson's autobiography is dat from Meth  ?
Today is the First Day of the Rest of my Life! SE  TRIVIA |
fatreg
Joined: Jul 26, 2003
Posts: > 500
PM |
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot.
Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot.
After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
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paul101
Joined: Mar 26, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: first to last
PM, WWW
|
That little office assistant just keeps getting smarter
_________________
Dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do... annoying isnt it??
[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-05-20 15:22 ] |
sailaab
Joined: May 19, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: India
PM |
http://cummingthefragrance.co[....]ode=CTF&Product_Code=ctf_clean
Got THIS somewhere !!=>
an email from sick piece Alan Cumming with his fun new line of merch:
Hi everyone! It's Alan!
I'm writing to tell you more about the first of our new range of Cumming products - Cumming clean, the body cleanser! I've enjoyed CUMMING in the shower so much I've decided to let everyone have a go! But there's more to it than you think. This isn't your average body cleanser. First of all, did you know that traditional body cleansers use thickening ingredients to give you lather but they also really dry out your skin? Well, we've formulated a cleanser- with glycerin- that lathers only slightly leaving your skin soft, clean and retaining its own natural moisture as well as a hint of Cumming the fragrance. And it's concentrated - you only need to use a little to keep CUMMING for a very long time.
Manly, moist and malleable. What could be better? Well, bigger, of course! Duh!
And you don't get much bigger than our 8", 12 fluid ounce bottle. Oh yeah baby. The best part of the package is the box - the inside of which is covered in pictures of me in various homages to fragrance ads of yesteryear. What are you waiting for?
Check out Cumming clean and our other products at
www.cummingthefragrance.com
Peace!
Love from Alan xxx
Today is the First Day of the Rest of my Life! SE TRIVIA |
masseur
Joined: Jan 03, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Sydney, London
PM |
sent to me from my mum... I normally send 'em back but... this is one of her best!
20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Waste Bin On Your Desk And Label It "In"
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. On The Stubs Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8 . Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out Of The Cash Point, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Car Park, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called . therapy
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
Very good, very good! Cheered me up.
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paul101
Joined: Mar 26, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: first to last
PM, WWW
|
Sign at golf club:
any preson (exept players) caught collecting golf balls will be prosecuted and have their balls removed
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me |
paul101
Joined: Mar 26, 2007
Posts: > 500
From: first to last
PM, WWW
|
The fish is already laughing
i have hundruds more
_________________
Dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do... annoying isnt it??
[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-05-24 13:11 ]
[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-05-24 13:21 ] |
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Posted: 2007-03-28 09:20
TRIVIA
