| Author |
Australia Day |
gelfen
Joined: Nov 22, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Melbourne, Australia
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This coming Monday, 26th January, is Australia Day. I would just like to wish a happy Australia Day to all the Aussies at home and abroad.
WE ARE AUSTRALIAN
We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the
occasional wanker. We come from many lands and although we live in
the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan
about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians.Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand finalday, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief
marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they
think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital
Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud
of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up
their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains
separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the
family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets
an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to
the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass
shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and
barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
queen)? They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of
Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main
claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it
did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work.
WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them
still work there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru,
and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer
consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the
highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is
the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the
rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of the Almighty seems silly
in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth
noting that the Almighty probably made Queensland, as its beautiful
one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains
a mystery.
Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers.
We are united in our lust for international recognition; so desperate
for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC
officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.
We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit
a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win
one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave
that to our Pommy immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be
right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national
anthem. (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits
suicide).
We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in
the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby
league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing.
We also have the biggest rock; the tastiest pies, the blackest
aborigines, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe.
Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than
an ambulance.
Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security
guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk....
Stand proud Aussies.... We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by
sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist,
closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better
for it. I am, you are, we are Australian!
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masseur
Joined: Jan 03, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Sydney, London
PM |
Sounds about right to me! 
shame I ain't gonna be supping schooners or midis at me local tavern at Castle Hill, but I'll be doing the next best thing on Monday down at the (very originally named ) Kangaroo Aussie bar/restaurant in Frankfurt knocking back a few Fosters tinnies like a true blue! I reckon they'll be doin' a barbie too if its like last year
Happy 'stralia Day mate!
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
happy aussie day mates 
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
judge
Joined: May 21, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Romania
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Gelfen, were you the one to come up with that? I'm sh**ting myself! I'm now having second thoughts about flying to Oz, though... Any more insight on Melbourne? Happy Australia day, Aussies!
This message was posted from a T310 |
gelfen
Joined: Nov 22, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Melbourne, Australia
PM |
RAOFLMAO
i wish i could take credit for it, but unfortunately no.
try my post about Melbourne in the [i]Australians where are you[i] thread:
http://www.esato.com/board/viewtopic.php?topic=9682&start=194
make sure you come down under, we're really quite nice 
_________________
Gee, does that beat me? I only got two pair - two aces, and another two.
[ This Message was edited by: gelfen on 2004-01-23 05:20 ] |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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That is by far the most intresting national anthem i have ever heard!
Our anthem starts with: Ja vi elsker dette landet. / yes we love this contry |
rencomp
Joined: May 08, 2003
Posts: 188
From: Netherlands
PM |
hihi, all that is almost true ....I've been to Oz a month ago and every day we heard 'no worries mate" One day we crashed into an other car, the good man looked at us (where are from Europe,he saw it i believe..)and....what he said?..."no worries mate"..over here there gonna kill you for crashing someones car....relex people over there in Oz...
I was just walking around in Sydney with a city map, looking like a tourist, less than a minute people where coming to me asking if i was lost, and if they could help..If a tourist comes over here and he's lost, the people here gonna steal all his money and leaving the good tourist behind. Lost and without money....its said but true...
but a nice Australia Day to all the Aussies... |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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Here its a mix of stealing money and helpfull people and idiots. But in Australia it is only good people |
rencomp
Joined: May 08, 2003
Posts: 188
From: Netherlands
PM |
@Bjerkebanen
I read it before that you are planning to leave Scandinavia.And that you trying to go Down under, but be carefull with the sun over there.The north European Skin of us is not used to stand that much of sun energie over there, and i know, my head was burn......Looked more red than a traffic light, and thats hurts for a while..
if you gonna use a Vodafone AU prepaid, i've got some call credit for you (20AU$ voucher) I can't upgrade it over here and it must be done before dec2004, So PM me if you interested...
btw: whats wrong with Norway, i think its a great country and im planning to give it a try to visit it... |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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Norway is cool if your in to skiing and shitt and big mountains. But if your not its just sad No its nothig wrong with norway at all. Just a tad boring. And i really really like the aussie atitude to life Easy going and all. Norwegians are very well hmm hard to exsplain. Always the newest gadgets and newest clothes and so on. Aussies seem a bit more laid back. But then again norwegians are very diffrent from person to person. So it really depends on the norwegian u meet Anyways i will send u a pm about your voucher
_________________
HOME.NO/GURU4U 
WWW.LUMPALAND.CO.UK
The Bjerky exspedition
[ This Message was edited by: Bjerkebanen on 2004-01-23 22:29 ] |
khaosspawn
Joined: Jan 02, 2004
Posts: 61
PM |
Quote:
| Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security
guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.... |
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Hilarious stuff ... happy Australia Day to you all |
masseur
Joined: Jan 03, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Sydney, London
PM |
Happy Australia Day!
I celebrated yesterday down my local who were giving away lip balm, plastic fake Akubra hats and Fosters blow up surfboards with pints of Fosters
(bumped since it is Australia Day today!)
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shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
caught part of the celebrations on CNN last nite....boy...i sure miss good ole australia.......sob! sob!
must really and seriously plan a visit sometime this year.....
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
Bjerkebanen
Joined: Feb 26, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: El culo del mundo! OSLO NORUEG
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does aussie land have the same national anthem as the UK?
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gelfen
Joined: Nov 22, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Melbourne, Australia
PM |
bjerky, please don't be insulting. 
"god save the king/queen" was australia's national anthem until 1974, when it was changed to "advance australia fair". "god save the king/queen" is reserved for royal functions (i.e. visits) but is used in conjunction with, rather than instead of, "advance australia fair".
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Posted: 2004-01-23 00:50
