| Author |
Post Your funny Jokes Here |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
Once upon a time, Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo
were all having a chat. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
And Tom Thumb said,
"I must be the smallest person in the world."
And Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
So the three of them decided to go to the office of the Guinness
Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official", she said, "I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I AM officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and forlorn and asked,
"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?
_________________
I  my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 13:46 ] | |
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goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
Best of British
Be very proud to be British because:
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new sweater with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
And finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
RULE BRITANNIA!!
__________________________________________________
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes and the first thing he sees are two aspirin next to a glass of orange
juice on the end table. AND, next to them a single red rose! Jack sees his
clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room
and sees that it is in perfect order and spotlessly clean. The rest of the
house is also in perfect order. He takes the aspirin and cringes when he
sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. He sees a
note on the bedside table: Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to
go shopping. Love you!
Jack stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough there is his breakfast and the
morning newspaper on the table. His daughter is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks his daughter "What happened last night?"
She replies, "well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You broke some furniture, puked in the hall, and got that black eye when you
ran into the bedroom door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean. I have a rose and my
breakfast is waiting on the table for me?"
Daughter replies, "OH THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take off your pants, you screamed "LEAVE ME ALONE LADY, I'M MARRIED"
Broken Furniture - $185.26
Hot Breakfast - $5.90
Rose - $3.95
Two Aspirins - $ .38
Saying the right thing at the right time, PRICELESS!
_________________
I my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 14:06 ] |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under your vehicle especially in public.
From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
_________________
I my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 14:17 ] |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a large, lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises
a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
'Jesus, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and
demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the chicken surprise'
'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter.....
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
'I've brought you the Peking duck'
_________________
I my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 14:31 ] |
leeboy13
Joined: Sep 28, 2005
Posts: > 500
From: Brissle - dodgy accients
PM |
Quote:
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On 2006-12-18 15:17:14, goldenface wrote:
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under your vehicle especially in public.
From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
_________________
I my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 14:17 ]
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that is class mate!!!!!!! 
living the dream! |
deluded
Joined: Sep 14, 2005
Posts: > 500
PM |
Great jokes! Keep them coming!
Two women had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided
to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them
thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to
a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to
wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop.
I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck between the crack of her butt that said "From all of us at the
Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. |
goldenface
Joined: Dec 17, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Liverpool City Centre
PM |
A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeeper. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeeper give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well.
The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man
hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here.
Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin
and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeeper another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us.
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeeper answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business.
The barkeeper responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.
_________________
I my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 16:39 ] |
Evilchap
Joined: Aug 25, 2006
Posts: 57
From: New Zealand
PM |
Heres some amusing Chuck Norris jokes:
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly until his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly thereafter all three died
of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.
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Winger
Joined: May 01, 2006
Posts: 95
From: UK
PM |
Some more Chuck Norris jokes:
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises. |
Evilchap
Joined: Aug 25, 2006
Posts: 57
From: New Zealand
PM |
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's
no glitch."
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris
Everything tastes like chicken because its Chuck Norris' favorite food
Chuck Norris isn't attracted to the Earth by gravity; the earth is
gravitationally attracted to him
Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after
an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.
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bl3ach
Joined: Apr 16, 2006
Posts: 248
From: I came from my mum's stomach!
PM |
a blonde went to the local electronic store and asked the sales "can i buy that TV?" the sales repied "i dont sell things to dumb blondes" so the next day the chick dyed her hair red and went back to the store "can i buy that TV?" once again the sales repied the same " i dont seel things to dumb blondes" the third day she dyed her hair black and went back to the store and asked for the tv again, yet the sales repied the same thing..so the chick was so pissed that he went up to the sales and shouted "why wont you sell that tv to blondes?"
The sales answered "i dont sell things to dumb blondes, because thats a marcowave and not a TV!" XD
(^^,)
Bleach~
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Danny_BFC
Joined: Jun 18, 2006
Posts: 499
From: Barnsley, Phone,
PM |
Quote:
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On 2006-12-18 15:50:55, leeboy13 wrote:
Quote:
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On 2006-12-18 15:17:14, goldenface wrote:
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under your vehicle especially in public.
From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
_________________
I my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 14:17 ]
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that is class mate!!!!!!!
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I didn't get tht at all. Would someone like to explain??
Im not fussed about phones/gadgets no more. If im online im in the Non-Mobile discussion  |
Winger
Joined: May 01, 2006
Posts: 95
From: UK
PM |
Quote:
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On 2007-01-04 17:11:02, ..:/Ðanny:.. wrote:
Quote:
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On 2006-12-18 15:50:55, leeboy13 wrote:
Quote:
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On 2006-12-18 15:17:14, goldenface wrote:
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under your vehicle especially in public.
From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
_________________
I my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 14:17 ]
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that is class mate!!!!!!!
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I didn't get tht at all. Would someone like to explain??
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The wife thought the person fixing the car was her husband, but it was actually the mechanic and he got such a shock that he sat up and banged his head. |
bl3ach
Joined: Apr 16, 2006
Posts: 248
From: I came from my mum's stomach!
PM |
"mummy mummy i dont want to go oversea anymore!"
"shut up and keep swimming!"
xD
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raZr
Joined: Jan 11, 2007
Posts: 3
From: m'rashtra, !ndia
PM |
Tarzan was naked. All animals began laughing. Tarzan asked them- Y r u all laughing? Animals said- U r da 1st animal wit a tail in da front. | |
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2006-12-18 14:46
