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Rookwise
Joined: Mar 22, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: UK. Phone:Samsung Galaxy A54 5
PM |
*************************
A Letter From Barbie
*************************
Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA
Dear Sir,
Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at
being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties,
and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a
nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my
skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring
anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of
chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with
a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a
removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA
Excerpts from "A Woman's Little Instruction Book"...
1. Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself
variety.
2. The best reason to divorce a man is for your health: you've gotten
sick of him.
3. Definition of widowhood: the only good thing some women get out of
marriage.
4. Always take disappointments like a man -- blame them on a woman.
5. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies
about other things, too.
6. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband
to do.
7. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're
aiming too high.
8. Men are like buses -- they never appear when you want them to and when
they do they're driven by someone who only has a learner's permit.
9. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
10. A man who can dress himself without looking like Homer Simpson is
unquestionably gay.
11. Don't bother going to the chiropractor to get rid of a pain in the
neck. Just divorce him.
12. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
13. Husbands are like kids -- they're okay as long as they're someone
else's.
14. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell
them apart.
15. Having more than one wife is bigamy; having more than one husband is
pure insanity.
16. A man's idea of serious commitment is "Oh, all right, I'll stay the
night".
17. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the shower to pee.
18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually
find that he already is.
19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five
men -- a woman.
20. There are a lot of words you can use to describe a man -- strong,
caring, loving -- they'd be wrong, but you could still use them.
21. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive, and potentially violent --
but they make great pets.
22. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
23. There are only 2 four-letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't"
and "stop" -- unless, of course, they're said together.
24. Wait for the right man to come along, but in the meantime have some fun
with the wrong ones.
25. Always remind your husband that the wages of sin is alimony.
Seen on a T-shirt worn by a woman:
MENtal Anxiety,
MENtal Breakdown,
MENstrual Cramps,
MENopause ...
Did you ever notice
how all of our problems
begin with MEN? 
The Washington Post: Sunday May 14, 1995, Final Edition
Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd
warning labels for common products. We loved one particular entry
for its wonderful idiocy:
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun
Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered
that it wasn't made up.
Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with
bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation
device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Honorable Mentions
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will
replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of
$4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim
Gaffney, Manassas)
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith
Daniel, Washington)
On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)
On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry
Robin, Gaithersburg)
On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which
has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure
and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking
at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken
Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White,
Taneytown)
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological
warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug
Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman,
Charlottesville)
On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail
note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).
You know you are addicted to the Internet when...
* You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications
Decency Act.
* You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no
phone lines.
* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
cellular modem and a laptop.
* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
* All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
* And even your night dreams are in HTML.
* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
word processor.com
* You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
* You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
* You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never
had heart problems before.
* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
and you don't have a clue when it happened.
* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
if new e-mail arrives.
* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
what she looks like.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all
of them are already highlighted in purple.
* Your dog has its own home page.
* You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
through Lycos. or [C]ontinue?
* You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
* You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
idea where your children are.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
* You refer to your age as 3.x.
* You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
* Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
your favorite IRC channel.
* You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
* You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
* You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
* Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
* You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games
from Apogee.t, or [C]ontinue?
* You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
* You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.
* You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
* You tell the cab driver you live at
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
* You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's
got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
* Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your
IRC channel.
* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
* Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
* You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
* You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
1.1 or higher."
* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP...because you never log off.
* The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
front of your computer with a toilet.
* You forget what year it is.
* You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
* You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
* You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it
sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed
to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
* You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
* Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy
another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
I tried sniffing coke once but didnt like it. The bubbles kept going up my nose  | |
|
dyrws
Joined: Nov 25, 2003
Posts: 42
PM, WWW
|
this joke changes every 24 hours...
[ This Message was edited by: dyrws on 2004-10-15 14:44 ] |
k4m!k4ze
Joined: Oct 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: CBE
PM |
Thing to do when your feeling hot -
Catch her by the waist.
Bring her home.
Remove the top.
And take deep drink of ..........
PEPSI, to cool down of course, what were you thinking ? 
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence of your attempt !! |
shithappens
Joined: Sep 17, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
PM |
In the beginning was THE PLAN.
And then came THE ASSUMPTION.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it
stinketh."
And the workers went to their supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung,
and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying, "It is a container of
excrement and it is very strong, such that none will abide by it."
And the managers went unto their directors, saying, "It is a vessel of
fertilizer and none may abide it's strength."
And the directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another, "It
contains that which aids plant growth. It is very strong."
And the directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It
promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new
plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with
powerful effects."
And the President then looked upon THE PLAN and saw that it was good.
And THE PLAN became POLICY.
And this is how shit happens.
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere" |
kimcheeboi
Joined: Dec 19, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Abducted by hot blondes to Les
PM |
NICE ONE!!!! 
[addsig] |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
One day a young irish girl leaves Ireland to try and make a fortune in England.
after 5 years she returns to Ireland in her top of the range porche and designer clothes. Her grandmother asks her how she made all the money. the girl(by now a woman) whispers something in her ear. suddenly the grandmother passes out.
After about 1 hour she comes round and says "tell me again how you made your money". again the irish girl whispers in her grandmothers ear. the grandmother then smiles and says "thank god, i thought you said protestant"
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
A Scottish boy arrives home all out of breath. His father asks: "how come you are all out of breath?" The boy says: "Dad, I just saved a quid by running after the bus"
Then his dad slaps him in the face.
The boy asks: "Why did you do that, Dad?"
The father replies: " You should have run behind a cab and saved five quid!"
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
Ing. FijoK
Joined: Sep 11, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Prague, Czech Republic
PM, WWW
|
some picture for u
I saw the man who can change my destiny... He stood in the mirror. |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
Why did the redneck cut his toilet in two?
His half-assed brother was coming to stay!
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
k4m!k4ze
Joined: Oct 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: CBE
PM |
i wonder why this thread died out 
Here's one -
_________________
My precious - my K700
[ This Message was edited by: kllr_dude on 2004-11-08 08:05 ] |
kimcheeboi
Joined: Dec 19, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Abducted by hot blondes to Les
PM |
Bill musta forgot to eat his watermelon 
[addsig] |
k4m!k4ze
Joined: Oct 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: CBE
PM |
here's one more not exactly a joke but anyway -
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence of your attempt !! |
kimcheeboi
Joined: Dec 19, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Abducted by hot blondes to Les
PM |
ive never had any chicks turn green on me
[addsig] |
k4m!k4ze
Joined: Oct 02, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: CBE
PM |
@kimchee - so u know ur not superior 
Soccer's most Embarassing moments -
http://images2.jokaroo.net/images/soccersex.jpg
Jihad gone wrong -
http://images2.jokaroo.net/images/jihadholywar.jpg
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence of your attempt !! |
kimcheeboi
Joined: Dec 19, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Abducted by hot blondes to Les
PM |
they must be the virgin material and im the man-ore. 
[addsig] | |
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Posted: 2004-10-13 03:15
