Posted by methylated_spirit
A thread dedicated to all things hillbilly, post your redneck pictures, stories, and jokes here. Please hotlink your pics if possible to save bandwidth.
To get the ball rolling:
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$20,000,000 Winner
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, ''I want my $20 million.'' The man replied, ''No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.''
The Redneck said, ''Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.'' Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, ''Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!''
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Redneck Hunters
A couple of Southern hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 9-11. He gasps to the operator: "My friend Bubba's dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
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Redneck Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year
I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Branson. I went to Branson and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to Nasville, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Memphis and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me!"
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_________________
Hello, Scroto!
812 green bottles hanging on the wall...
V =
[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2004-11-04 09:40 ]
Posted by methylated_spirit
Social Tips for Rednecks
In General...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're c! ertain that you're included in the will, it's
rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Dining Out
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup
and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done
in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger
foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Alw! ays offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two
years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have
proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks an! d shoes for this
special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
Posted by Jake Blues
this a true story i read on the net a couple of days ago, although i dont know how long ago it happened and if the guy was a redneck (but he was so stoopid he had to be).
a guy entered a bank with a gun and tried to hold up a teller but she activated the alarm and security screens before he got anything.
he decides to give up and make a run for it, when he gets to the door and pushes it doesnt move he tries again, still no movement. then he realises , when the alarm is activated the doors are locked.
admitting defeat he sits down and waits for the police. only when he is being led away by the cops does he see written on the door in big red letters "PULL". !!!!!!!!!!
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dont you think this thread will offend kim, the biggest redneck of them all?
Posted by senninha
@methylated
absolutely hilarious!!! were those excerpts from the republican party handbook?
Posted by methylated_spirit
Redneck holiday:
Redneck dog:
Redneck car lock:
Redneck Winnebago:
Posted by SCORPIONKING1982
Posted by knight4led
@meth
that redneck holiday photo is clearly not of an American. The cars are on the wrong side of the road and someone is carrying goods on their head. Looks more like Jamaica than America.
Posted by axxxr
Posted by methylated_spirit
@knight: But they have to go around him...and its just a bit of fun, you over-analytical killjoy!
_________________
Hello, Scroto!
744 green bottles hanging on the wall...
V =
[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2004-11-05 09:01 ]
Posted by methylated_spirit
Are you a redneck?
http://www.funclown.com/redneckquiz.htm
Posted by methylated_spirit
Redneck Family Tree
Many, many years ago
When I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mom.
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
Posted by methylated_spirit
Posted by kimcheeboi
yeee haw!
Posted by methylated_spirit
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
_________________
Hello, Scroto!
744 green bottles hanging on the wall...
V =
[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2004-11-05 10:32 ]
Posted by kimcheeboi
Posted by methylated_spirit
Apparently, this child prodigy is big news in Louisiana:
Posted by kimcheeboi
who knew that a down's syndrome child would outsmart louisiana?
Posted by methylated_spirit
The local preacher: Worrying?
Posted by kimcheeboi
no, its his daughter
Posted by methylated_spirit
From the back cover:
"Old Uncle Hilaire (sic) recalls several leg-slapping tales he heard behind the barn in the days when you didn't have to walk on a broken bottle to get cut! Those were the good old days when the best in petits contes canailles were told in whispers behind the old barn, where kids and women were banned."
A band called "Duke Jupiter":
[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2004-11-06 11:54 ]
Posted by kimcheeboi
Govigov--a redneck?
Posted by methylated_spirit
Another pic of the sport "freestyle mudding"
redneck racing fan:
_________________
Hello, Scroto!
744 green bottles hanging on the wall...
V =
[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2004-11-06 12:15 ]
Posted by kimcheeboi
oh i thought that was the redneck well!
Posted by methylated_spirit
Posted by kimcheeboi
they can afford cell phones?
Posted by methylated_spirit
Redneck special forces:
never hire a redneck carpenter:
Posted by Jim
, good ones there
_________________
K700 - T610 themes site
[ This Message was edited by: Jim on 2004-11-06 12:36 ]
Posted by kimcheeboi
"YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren''t.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You''ve ever spray painted your girlfriend''s name on an overpass.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman''s anatomy.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You''ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
Someone asks, "Where''s your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She''s at home with the kids."
Your wife''s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist''s number on speed dial.
You''ve ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You''ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
You''ve totaled every car you''ve ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald''s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You''ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You''ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You''ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You''re considered an expert on wormbeds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You''ve ever bought a used cap.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You picked your false teeth from a catalog.
You''ve ever financed a tattoo.
You''ve ever stolen toilet paper.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You go to a stock car race and don''t need a program.
Your source for toilet paper has page numbers on it.
MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your family tree does not branch.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
You''ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You''ve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...."
You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you''re at work.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You''ve ever been too drunk to fish.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Hitchhikers won''t get in the car with you.
You''ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn''t have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You have grease under your toenails.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You''ve ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You''ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You''ve ever cleaned fish in your living room.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
Your father walks you to school because you and he are in the same grade.
Your house has wheels and your car doesn''t.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You''ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
Your wife''s hairdo has been caught in the ceiling fan at least once.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
You own a 3 pound belt buckle.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You have more than two relatives named "Bubba" or "Junior".
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
Posted by axxxr
Redneck Rollercoaster
Posted by methylated_spirit
omg
Posted by methylated_spirit
http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic460.htm
http://mediapickle.com/new/toon.php?id=14
http://www.gotlaughs.com/funpages/Redneck_Snowman.cfm
_________________
Hello, Scroto!
615 green bottles hanging on the wall...
[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2004-11-27 23:11 ]
Posted by methylated_spirit
Top 15 Redneck Porno Movies:
15. I Know You Done Your Sister Last Summer
14. Turn Her and Hooch
13. Urban Cow, Boy!
12. Debbie Does Dullards
11. I Am Curious, Ol' Yeller
10. 9 1/2 Teeth
9. The Silence of the Sheep (God Willing)
8. Nasty NASCAR Nimphama--, uh, Nymfama--, uh, Crazy Nekkid Gals!
7. Deep Goat
6. Crouchin' Brother, His'n Sister
5. Auntie Get Your Gums
4. The Girl Who Could Not Run Faster Than Her Brothers
3. Behind the Green Teeth
2. Bob and Carol and Bessie and Babe
1. Three Men and a (Ned) Beatty
Posted by methylated_spirit
Posted by methylated_spirit
Posted by axxxr
Posted by methylated_spirit
Posted by axxxr
Posted by zyexx
these are like mad funny yow
Posted by dr_thug
nice pictures and videos.LMAO
but meth,most of the pictures in the 2nd page can't be seen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpm6JRPAK0I&search=redneck
heres a Indy comedy on redneck.
[ This Message was edited by: dr_thug on 2006-06-22 02:31 ]