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The official Rednecks Being Stupid thread |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
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A thread dedicated to all things hillbilly, post your redneck pictures, stories, and jokes here. Please hotlink your pics if possible to save bandwidth.
To get the ball rolling:
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$20,000,000 Winner
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, ''I want my $20 million.'' The man replied, ''No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.''
The Redneck said, ''Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.'' Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, ''Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!''
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Redneck Hunters
A couple of Southern hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 9-11. He gasps to the operator: "My friend Bubba's dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
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Redneck Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year
I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Branson. I went to Branson and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to Nasville, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Memphis and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me!"
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_________________
Hello, Scroto!
812 green bottles hanging on the wall...
V = 
[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2004-11-04 09:40 ] | |
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methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
Social Tips for Rednecks
In General...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're c! ertain that you're included in the will, it's
rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Dining Out
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup
and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done
in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger
foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Alw! ays offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two
years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have
proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks an! d shoes for this
special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
Jake Blues
Joined: May 24, 2004
Posts: > 500
PM |
this a true story i read on the net a couple of days ago, although i dont know how long ago it happened and if the guy was a redneck (but he was so stoopid he had to be).
a guy entered a bank with a gun and tried to hold up a teller but she activated the alarm and security screens before he got anything.
he decides to give up and make a run for it, when he gets to the door and pushes it doesnt move he tries again, still no movement. then he realises , when the alarm is activated the doors are locked.
admitting defeat he sits down and waits for the police. only when he is being led away by the cops does he see written on the door in big red letters "PULL". !!!!!!!!!!
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dont you think this thread will offend kim, the biggest redneck of them all?
[addsig] |
senninha
Joined: Jan 05, 2003
Posts: > 500
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@methylated
absolutely hilarious!!! were those excerpts from the republican party handbook?  |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
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Redneck holiday:
Redneck dog:
Redneck car lock:
Redneck Winnebago:
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
SCORPIONKING1982
Joined: Mar 11, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Leeswood
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myspace.com/scorpionking1982 |
knight4led
Joined: May 27, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Califonia, USA
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@meth
that redneck holiday photo is clearly not of an American. The cars are on the wrong side of the road and someone is carrying goods on their head. Looks more like Jamaica than America. |
axxxr
Joined: Mar 21, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Londinium
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[addsig] |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
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@knight: But they have to go around him...and its just a bit of fun, you over-analytical killjoy!
_________________
Hello, Scroto!
744 green bottles hanging on the wall...
V = 
[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2004-11-05 09:01 ] |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
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Are you a redneck?
http://www.funclown.com/redneckquiz.htm
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
Redneck Family Tree
Many, many years ago
When I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mom.
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
Hello, Scroto!
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, you ugly! |
kimcheeboi
Joined: Dec 19, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Abducted by hot blondes to Les
PM |
yeee haw!
[addsig] |
methylated_spirit
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: > 500
From: Bonnie Scotland
PM |
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
_________________
Hello, Scroto!
744 green bottles hanging on the wall...
V =
[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2004-11-05 10:32 ] |
kimcheeboi
Joined: Dec 19, 2003
Posts: > 500
From: Abducted by hot blondes to Les
PM |
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Posted: 2004-11-04 10:38
