Posted by Eleventy7
that's another oldie-but-goodie
Posted by Sjemboll
***** The First Time *****
The sky was blue, the moon was high
We were close, she and I
Her hair was soft, her eyes were blue
I knew just what she wanted to do
I didn’t know how, I did my best
Placing my hands upon her breast
I trembled with fear, my fast beating heart
As she slowly spread her legs apart
At last I was finished, it’s all over now
My first experience with milking a cow
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by Jowi
The following is an actual question given on a
Cambridge University chemistry exam. The answer by one
student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as
well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law,
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed) or some variant. One student, however,
wrote the following answer:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know the rate that
souls are moving into Hell and the rate they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are ! leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there are more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added. This gives two
possibilities:
* If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
* If Hell is expanding ! at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me
by Teresa during my first year, "...that it will be a
cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take
into account the fact that I still have not succeeded
in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot
be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and will not freeze.
Posted by Eleventy7
that's brilliant! the guy/girl deserves a medal!
_________________
Mornin.
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-07-05 11:32 ]
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
Posted by gigolo (",)
@jowi
nice one
Posted by JwY
haha that's golden!
Posted by Eleventy7
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him."Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled,
"White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
________________________________________________________
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee. Then they turn
a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar " ..." ALL DRINKS 10
CENTS !". They look at each other, then go in.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on
in and let me pour one for you, what'll it be,
Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask
for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis -- and says,
"That'll be 10 cents each, please." They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their
curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and
so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the
bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a
dime apiece?"
"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor,
beer, all the same."
"Wow. That's quite a story" says one of the men. The four of them sipped
at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the
end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't
ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and
asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're
from Florida, they're waiting for happy hour."
Posted by shithappens
u da man eleventy7
Posted by shithappens
WHAT WOMEN WANT!
=================
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.
He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, only she would know the answer.
The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant
creature.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable. The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him!
The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read it until you've made your own choice.
Make YOUR choice BEFORE you read Gawain's answer!
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own
life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is:
If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly.
Posted by ShawO
tht 1 surely is an oldie but goodie
but nvr looked at it from a joke point of view
Posted by Vlammetje
you thought it was the most important lesson in life, ShawO?
Posted by ShawO
nah... actually more of like the meaningless ramblings of some1 who has too much time on hand
kiddin
i actually found it quite meaningful
Posted by cyanx7
ditto. gawain's answer was the only one...
Posted by shithappens
here's more....kids do say the darnest things
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between fifth and 6th grade ages in Ohio.They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock
which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
And threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on tv now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for
reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have
problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
Cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which
was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in
Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of that that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and has a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he
wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a
hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It
was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she
did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
Posted by Vlammetje
Posted by Jowi
Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance.
When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me ? why me ?"
It must be his job.
Posted by Vlammetje
Posted by Jowi
are you like that?
Posted by shithappens
i wuz reacting to jowi's question to vlam more than the joke....which was good to
*waitin eagerly for vlam's reply*
Posted by Vlammetje
@ Mr Shitter:
@ Jowi: you'll never know...
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by Eleventy7
A fellow called the other day and wanted to know if I'd heard the story
about the mountain farmer who got in his pickup and drove several
miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about 12 opened the door.
"Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked. "No sir he ain't," the boy
replied. "He went to town."
"Well said the farmer, is yer ma here?"
"No, she ain't here either.She went to town with pa." "How about your
brother, Joe, is he here?"
"He went with ma and pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I
know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I
could take a message fer pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to
yer pa. It's about your brother Ned getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. I
don't know if it helps you any, I know that pa charges $50 for the
bull and $25 for the boar hog but I really don't know how much he gets
for Ned."
___________________________________________________________
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That"s the owner."
___________________________________________________________
Derek drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite bar and put it in the parking lot in the back. He went inside where Beverly, the pretty blonde bartendress happily greeted him.
He bought a drink and went to sit down at a table.
A few minutes later, Beverly came running up to him yelling, "Derek! Derek! I was putting the trash out the back when I saw someone driving off in your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God!" said Derek, now on his feet. "Did you try to stop him?"
"No," said Beverly, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
___________________________________________________________
Two Redneck's were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began choking on a hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one Redneck turned to the other and said, "that little gal is havin a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help her." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and licked her on the butt. The young lady was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Rdeneck sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works..
Posted by shithappens
my contribution:
What is the difference between a Secretary and a Personal Secretary?
The Secretary says,"Good Morning, Sir" and the Personal Secretary
says,"Its Morning, Sir".
____________________________________________________________
Mabel and Sarah are having a conversation during lunch one afternoon.
Mabel asks, "So, Sarah, how's your sex life these days?" Sarah replies, "Oh, you
know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Mabel asks quizzically.
"Yeah, you know routine, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on".
____________________________________________________________
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".
"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"?
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it".
_______________________________________________________________
A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!"
_____________________________________________________________
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby stork is crying and crying, and father stork is trying to calm him, "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother is saying, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork parents are desperate. Their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns, and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
Says the baby stork, "Nowhere in particular. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by Eleventy7
A retired gentleman went to the CPP office to apply for his pension.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and comeback later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his social security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too."
_________________________________________________
Top Country Western Songs of all Time
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here.
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.
_____________________________________________________
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The young man working in that department told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the young man ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the young man said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found his employee and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
Canada, sir," the young man replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
"Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there," said the young man.
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"Really??? Who'd she play for?" the young man quickly replied.
___________________________________________________
A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"
_______________________________________________________
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
_______________________________________________________
Today is my daughters 18th birthday.......
I'm so glad that this is my last ...damn child support payment.
Month after month, year after year, those damn payments!
So I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got here,
I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to
your mothers house and tell that her that this is the last damn check
she's ever going to get from me, and I want you tell me the expression on her face."
So my baby girl took the check over to her.
I was so anxious to hear what the bitch had to say and what she looked
like.
As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she have
to say?"
"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy..."
Posted by ShawO
presenting the next instalment of kids say darndest things
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
and one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by Vlammetje
Posted by shithappens
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint, it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answers these questions:
Q: What does it take to achieve 100% in life? Let's do the math ...
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
BUT, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude, with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, it takes the Attitude to get you there; but if your boss wants more ... Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
Posted by Vlammetje
My suspicions confirmed after all....
good 1 shits
Posted by Vlammetje
Actual Medical Chart Notes
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Posted by shithappens
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by JwY
lol.
Posted by Eleventy7
"The Suppository Incident"
A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."
The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.
"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.
"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.
His wife asked him, "What is it then?"
He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."
______________________________________
An 87 year old man visited his doctor and aske for "a half dose of Viagra."
His doctor asked, "Why only a half a dose?"
He replied, "I only need enough to keep from peeing on my shoes!"
_________________________________________
3 men walked into a bar. The bartender said if you can stay in my basement for a day i will give you free beer forever. The first man says easy but walks out 5 minutes later. It's impossible you gota swarm of flys in there, so the second man tried his luck but couldn't take no more then 10 minutes. So the thrid guy goes in and comes out a day later. The others ask him how he did it, he said I sat in one corner and pooped in the other.
Posted by Jowi
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of
money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank
to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After
much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the
president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank
president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much
cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady
replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind
of bets?" The old woman said, "Well,for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president,
"That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot
of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00AM
as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to
side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he
was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he
would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the
little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She
introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000
says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed
with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they
could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered
closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I
guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that
the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President
asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM
today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Posted by JwY
haha good one!
Posted by Eleventy7
oldie-but-goodie
Posted by shithappens
One resignation letter I would like to see being tendered....heheh...
Dear Sir (Sir my ass!)
This will confirm my nice resignation with your f**ked up company.
I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a
bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial skills.
I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await
me, unlike when I worked with you assholes. My last day of work will be
when you realize I came in late the night before and cleaned out my desk, including all the stationery supplies I requested and received last week(haha).
I've deliberately left lots of undone shit for the new f**ker, not
forgetting the ongoing projects I never completed. I'm certain your
dumb ass will never figure out what's happening. Once the company finds
out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well. Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the streets, unless you want your ass kicked.
My experience with this nice company has been very unrewarding. I
appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone
to a better future. I wish you and the organization not a nice thing, bitch-ass motherf**kers!
Fuck you very much.
My worst regards to you and your torn-pussy mother.
Insincerely yours,
Ms. XXX
Posted by cyanx7
HEAVY...
Posted by Eleventy7
i mite use that
Posted by Vlammetje
*saving letter to disc...*
Posted by shithappens
just glad to be of service is all
Posted by JwY
just a note, u forgot to censor the last f***
Posted by Caveman
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: He couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
_________________
Reality is just an illusion [ This Message was edited by: Caveman on 2003-07-24 12:48 ]
Posted by Caveman
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very
close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to
HR. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker
does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against
him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice ?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf"
Posted by Eleventy7
that nuns one is good. the dwarf one is older than an old person on national old week, but it's still good
Posted by Caveman
I'll make sure my joke supplier does better next time