Posted by ShawO
crap...
how do you do that?
i usually get the file not found or file corruted errors when i try
Posted by Eleventy7
i quite often get HTTP 404 error!
it's when u get a BSOD that u've really got a problem
_________________
Mornin.
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-05-10 11:52 ]
Posted by ShawO
*corrupted
now wheres that reset button on you?
Posted by Eleventy7
I have all the buttons i need embedded behind my ear: Ctrl Alt Del
Posted by mhorton
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank. "I'd like to donate some sperm," he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly, Sir," she replies. "Have you donated before?"
"Yes," replies Beckham, "you should have my details on your computer."
"Oh, Yes, I've found your details," says the receptionist, "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham.
"Well," the receptionist replies, "it says on your record that you're a useless w****r."
Posted by cyanx7
already jealous that te guy is allready headed 4 madrid?
Posted by Eleventy7
due to the lack of input from my fellow joke-threadians recently, i hereby present a contender for worst joke ever:
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the woman behind the counter. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £ 30,000 loan to take a holiday." Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this", and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the
manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £ 30,000, and he wants to use this as
collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant, "I mean, what in the world is this?".
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > (you're gonna love this)
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > (a masterpiece)
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
The bank manager looks back at her and says :-
"It's a knickknack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Posted by mhorton
http://www.richsalter.net/flash_scrapbook_items/04_claykittenshooting/04_claykittenshooting.html
Posted by Sjemboll
A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk." Indian: "Horse no talk" Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?" Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun." Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk." Indian: "Dog no talk." Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?" Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me." Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk." Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"
___________________________________________________________
With his balls nearly on fire, a horny rat was tearing down the jungle path. Spying a parrot up in a tree, he screeched to a halt and propositioned the bird. No go. In growing desperation, the rat took off once more and shortly thereafter noticed a monkey swinging through some vines up ahead. But the monkey, too, turned him down cold. With his aching balls now nearly dragging on the ground, the rat resumed his feverish search for something to put it to. At length he saw an elephant browsing beside the trail. Racing up to her, he panted, "Hey, moma, want to get it rough and hard?" The elephant looked him over, sorta smiled, and replied, "What the hell. Hop on and show me your best stuff." So the rat jumped up on her and started going at it. Just as he was really hitting his stride, a coconut fell from the tree over head and struck the elephant right between the eyes. "Ouch!" she yelled. The rat paused in mid-stroke and said
triumphantly, "Suffer, bitch! Suffer!"
___________________________________________________________
An old bloke in the nursing home couldn't talk. One day, while he was sitting in a chair,a nurse walked by and noticed that he was leaning to the right. She sat him upright in his chair and told him to sit still. A while later, the nurse came by again, and this time she noticed that he was leaning to the left. She straightened him up and told him again to sit still, or else he might fall out of his chair. The next time she made her rounds, she saw the old guy leaning forward, about to topple headfirst to the floor, so she tied him into the chair for his own good. Later on in the day, his daughter came to visit, and seeing her father strapped into his chair, asked him what was wrong. The old bloke handed her a note, which she unfolded and read. It said, "They won't let me fart."
___________________________________________________________
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one
less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
[ This Message was edited by: Sjemboll on 2003-05-16 00:05 ]
Posted by shithappens
they're good....they're all GOOD....
Posted by Eleventy7
that last one's brilliant!
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
__________________________________________________________
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a
diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I
start dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.
Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I
start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink
coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies,
"Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only
one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only
an inch of water in the tub. How can you expect me to bathe in this?" He
replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
___________________________________________________________
A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts! "yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?
__________________________________________________________
A man was on a trip when he crossed paths with a indian tribe. The indian chief told the man that he had to deliver a note to another tribe and if he didnt they would hunt him down and kill him. The man reluctantly agreed and was given a horse to ride. The man was on his way and after a few hours the horse stumbled and broke its leg. The man realized the horse was no longer usable and took his gear and the letter and walked and walked untill he came upon a old man at a ranch. He explained to the man that he needed a horse promptly in order to deliver a message or else he would surely be killed. The man being a retired priest agreed and explained that he had 2 horses. A young one that runs fast but does not listen. And an old one that is slow but listens well. He said that he would take the slow old one. The priest agreed and told him that the commands were not normal and went on to explain the commands this horse knew. He said to get her to run you say praise the lord, to get her to stop you say amen, He said ok. no problem, jumped on the horse said Praise the lord and he was off. Well things were going good until he saw a cliff up ahead, He was pulling on the reigns and saying Ho ho! Stop! but the horse kept running then he said oh wait thats right, Amen! The horse stoped just inches from the cliff, he wiped his brow and said whew Praise the lord!
___________________________________________________________
Old dog, clever trick.
Race 'round the farmhouse.
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
_________________________________________________________
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father, the cop, caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too", she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."
___________________________________________________________
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a shot of Vodka. The bartender gives it to her, she drinks it, and passes out. The bartender tries to wake her but can't. When he sees that no one else is in the bar he locks the door and has his way with her.
The next day the girl walks in and the bartender calls 5 of his friends and tells them what happened. She orders a shot of Vodka and passes out. They all have their way with her.
The following day 10 guys show up at the bar. She comes in and orders a shot of Vodka, drinks it, passes out and all 10 have their way with her.
The fourth day she walks in and the bar is packed, standing room only. She walks up to the the bar and orders a shot of Tequila.
The bartender looks and says, "But don't you drink Vodka?"
She replies, "I used to, but it makes my pussy sore."
Posted by mhorton
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life
would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card
said nothing but: "Nescafe"! Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the
kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop". " Mom blushed, but was pleased for her
daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the
card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King
Size" She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the
words "British Airways" Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for
BA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways
Posted by shithappens
Posted by Sjemboll
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...
___________________________________________________________
Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history,and logic.
“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascination’ thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logic class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. “So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.
“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”
___________________________________________________________
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar
counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya...Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and a
redhead came up to me... boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a
ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave, I turned off the key and I said 'It's either
screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end
of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.
Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came
up to me, boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can
have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one.
I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She
couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there
cryin' over a beer.
Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to
me...boobies WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here. I had more
wood than my boat does!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you
can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,Dave, way WAAAYYY
out...much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at
her boobies and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.... She had a d!ck, Dave! She had
this great BIG f##ken d!ck!........
And I can't swim Dave! I can't f##ken swim man!!!!!!"
___________________________________________________________
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Posted by mhorton
One morning, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt
and said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your
girdle." The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast and said,"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." With that, the woman turned and grabbed her husband by his privates. She said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid
of the postman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother."
Posted by Eleventy7
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
__________________________________________#
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
Posted by mhorton
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection. The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!" "Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by mhorton
Yeah it's not a bad one.
Posted by mhorton
Sir,
Driving to the office this morning on the M5, I looked over to my left and
there
was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85 KM/H with her face up next to
her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!
It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of
trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering
wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the
coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone and! DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by ShawO
some recycling campaign goin on?
ooo... some1 got himself a new phone
congrats
Posted by cyanx7
i don't have any patience to go through all the forums and ask this question: is the phone good?
i trust u!
Posted by nocturnalchipmunk
@mhorton -- was that a true story?!
and by the way.. it's not women drivers... it's asian drivers!!
Posted by JwY
same question cy has!
Posted by nocturnalchipmunk
damn.. francine's hella getting on my ass about this asian stuff!
who cares? i'm asian! can't i make fun of myself?! 
Posted by tranquil
http://www.365jokeplace.com/Pics/SSRTMPLT.asp?sorder=9&cat=Kids
http://www.365jokeplace.com/Pics/SSRTMPLT.asp?sorder=33&cat=COMPUTERS
Posted by Caveman
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
Posted by mhorton
| Quote: |
|
Not sure mate,
Sounds true though
Posted by ShawO
nah, usually i'd settle for a curry puff
donuts tend to be very messy
Posted by nocturnalchipmunk
maybe it's one of those fat, American police officers!
Posted by Eleventy7
I apologize in advance for the poor quality of this:
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and
> they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the
> form of
> an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze,
>
> a tree off in the distance.
>
> As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher
> upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving
> juicy
> nearly raw bacon, all sorts.
>
> "Oh my, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree!!! We're
> saved!!!"
>
> "You're right!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree
>
> salivating at the prospect of food.
>
>
> But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of
> machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend
> quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
> Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"
>
> With his dying breath Pepe calls out "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon
> Tree. .. .
>
>
>
>
> it's a Ham Bush!
_______________________________
Poor poor david beckham to get his hair done he spent a whole FIVE hours
in the salon twisting and pulling twisting and pulling twisting and
pulling twisting and pulling until he read the door then he finally
realized it said 'push'
_________________
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.
That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios......"
___________________________
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store.
One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh, Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy.
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack", she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know."
So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine! And she was plastered! She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed,
"Sister Mary Katherine! For shame!! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat. She replied,
"And so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna shit."
__________________________________
Word to the wise.
Women issues.
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with
stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as
often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
____________________________________
First grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their
handsexplode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however,
one exception. A girl named Rita has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American." replied Rita.
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Indian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Rita why she is an Indian. "Well, my mom and dad are Indians,
so I'm an Indian too."
The teacher is now angry . "That's no reason", she says loudly "If
your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then" says Rita, "I'd be an American."
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-05-28 13:51 ]
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-05-28 13:52 ]
Posted by ShawO
Posted by mhorton
Very good!!
Posted by cyanx7
why did u apologise in the first place? they're good! i loved the last one...
Posted by Eleventy7
i only posted the first one originally, which was what i apologised for, coz i thought it was a bit poor. I added the others after
Posted by Jowi
nice one!
Posted by Eleventy7
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the chief monk said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the chief monk said to him: "Brother John, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the chief monk said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the chief monk.
"You may say another two words Brother John."
"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the chief monk assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the chief monk again called Brother John into his office.
"What are your two words you want to say today."
"I Quit." said Brother John.
"I'm not surprised," said the chief monk. "You've done nothing but whine and complain since you got here."
_________________________________________
Theres a construction worker who's really lazy. He's up on the fifteenth floor of this building his crew is working on. The construction worker realises he needs a hacksaw and screams down to his coworker,
construction worker - Hey!
coworker- What!?
The construction worker begins signaling so that he does not have to scream, he points to his eye for "I". Then he points to his knee for "need". Then he makes a back and forth motion with his hand for "hacksaw".
The coworker nods and pulls down his pants. The coworker begins masturbating. The construction worker sees this and screams in frustration.
construction worker- HEY! You idiot! I meant I need a hacksaw!
coworker- I know! I was trying to tell you I was coming!
________________________________________________
Seven degrees of blonde
1st Degree:
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."
2nd Degree:
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
She hands it to the second blonde.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
3rd Degree:
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
4th Degree:
A blonde brags about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy -- 'W'."
5th Degree:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
6th Degree:
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch.
"Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"
"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car,
"There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.
That was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."
7th Degree:
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Posted by cyanx7
GEMS! they're all gems!
Posted by shithappens
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish
each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to
be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and
he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want
to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.
"Pfufffff, and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm"
Moral of the story is: "Always allow the bosses to speak first"
*********************************************************************
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
Lesson II - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
**************************************************************
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA
When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now
irritated, then yelled,"What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What
kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-kee' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
Lesson III - Never insult anyone.
**********************************************************
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and
immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SH*T!!!!!!!........."
Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes shit does happen
**********************************************************
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in
an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time. "
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my friend how to spell a 'Mississippi'."
_________________
If it looks like shit, feels like shit, smells like shit & tastes like shit...it's prolly SHIT!!!
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2003-06-05 04:04 ]
Posted by shithappens
"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a
bank president.
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"One word."
"And, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions"
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by cyanx7
beautiful... can i guy be in love with jokes?
Posted by Jowi
a joker maybe...
Posted by cyanx7
ok, i like this joker like a brother...
Posted by Jowi
how about riddler?
Posted by shithappens
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her, "Can we have sex?"
She replies, "No, I'm married to God." She stands up and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says, "I can tell you how to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So, all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some luminous powder in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I'm God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. God agrees and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jump up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha, I'm the hippie!" he cries out.
"Ha-ha, I'm the bus driver!" cries out the nun.
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
that's a good one
Posted by Vlammetje
funny mr sh*tter
Posted by Eleventy7
that's brilliant
Posted by shithappens
thanx folks!!!!
more to come surely......