Posted by Eleventy7
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today,
I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I
feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I
feel
great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
***************************
Frogs for sale
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store
in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a
box full of frogs.
The sign says: "Oral S e x" Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back
Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packaged the frog and said "Just follow the instructions
carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon
as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the
instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there".
She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to
her surprise, nothing happens!
The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it
says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet
store."
So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right
over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything
according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes and sternly says "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!
******************
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a gorgeous young woman waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini-skirt. As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get aboard, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step. Slightly embarrassed, & with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her & unzipped her skirt a little - thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step,
only to discover that she couldn't.
A little more embarrassed she again reached behind, unzipped her skirt
a little more, & for the second time attempted the step. Once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg enough to reach the step.
With a small smile to the driver she once again reached behind to
unzip a little more, but still was unable to reach the step.
About this time, a tall Texan who was standing directly behind her
picked her up easily by the waist, & placed her gently on the bus.
She went ballistic, and turning on the would-be samaritan , yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!".
The Texan smiled & drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with
you ,but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends".
Posted by leibniz
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection. The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!" "Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"
Posted by cyanx7
nasty!...
Posted by leibniz
Almost as nasty as this one !
- - -
One day God is walking through the Garden of Eden and sees Adam standing in front of the fountain of life sticking his head down into the water.
God says, "Adam, what are you doing?"
Adam says, "Lord I'm gargeling."
God says, "I can see that Adam but why are you doing it?"
Adam explains, "Well Lord Eve and I just got through having oral sex and I was tring to get the taste out of my mouth. You don't mind do you?"
God thought for a moment and said, "I guess not Adam but it's going to take forever to get the smell out of the fish."
Posted by Eleventy7
some nice ones there liebniz
Posted by ('',)bluemint
Subject: A guy from prison
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15
years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.
He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him
up
on
a chair, ties up the woman to the
bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then
gets
up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a
prisoner, look at his clothes!
He probably spent a lot of time in prison,and has not seen a woman in
years. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This
guy
must be dangerous, if he gets
angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he
has
not seen a woman in years, but he
was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any
Vaseline
in the bathroom...
Be strong, honey. I love you too."
_________________
Happy meeh!
[ This Message was edited by: ('',)bluemint on 2003-04-19 12:46 ]
Posted by Eleventy7
A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits
is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a
sign that says, This Bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, "He mated 50
times last year." They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign
that says, "This Bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife hits her husband and says "That's more than twice a
week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying
"This Bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife gets really excited and says "That's once a day. You
could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looks at her and says
*****
An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting
with St. Peter, at the Pearly Gates, when all of a sudden
she hears the most awful, blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only
someone having the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is
happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having
their heads drilled, to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to
hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped
and sodomized!"
"Yeah, but I've already got the holes for that," says
the old lady.
******
Once upon a time there was a lazy little bird who decided one year
not to fly south for the winter. However, as time went by it got
colder and colder forcing the bird to reluctantly set off.
As soon as the bird got into the sky its little wings froze and it
hurtled to the ground landing in a farmyard.
The poor little thing knew that its time was up.
After a short time a cow walking through the farm deficated
on our friend who thought that now it would surely die. However,
the manure warmed the bird and feeling happier it began to sing.
The passing farm cat on hearing the chirping went to investigate,
cleared the manure and promptly ate the bird...
My little story has 3 morals :-
1. Someone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Someone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit keep your mouth shut.
Posted by leibniz
You forgot the punch line for the first joke:
"yeah, but I bet it wasn't always with the same cow!"
***
The third one is very old. It came from the old 70's Terrence Hill / Peter Fonda western flic "My Name is Nobody."
Posted by malcs
Why Did the Chicken Cross The Road, Roll in mud, Then Cross Back Again?
Because It Was A Dirty Double Crosser!
What is Red and lives in a Tree?
A Sanitary Owl!
ehehehehe. eheh. eh. ah.
Posted by Eleventy7
| Quote: |
|
doh! what an arse!
Posted by leibniz
- - -
One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist. "I am the pharmacist," she informed him.
"Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave.
"Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't heard, so what is your problem?"
"Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?
"I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister." she informed him. About ten minutes later she came back. "Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $1000 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."
- - -
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by Eleventy7
been quiet here recently, so:
A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier after
having eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills most exclusive restaurants.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers,
"Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, a
fter the check has cleared the bank."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged:
"How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the greatest nice weekend of my life!"
************************
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass.
He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."
So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guy then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said,
"Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall"
Posted by leibniz
I was beginning to think that people had vacated this thread ...
- - -
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"
Posted by Eleventy7
oldie-but-goodie
Posted by Eleventy7
A pineapple plantation owner in Hawaii was having a
problem with his trees.
He called in an agronomist to evaluate the situation.
"Your problem can easily be solved if you cover the
base of each tree with cat manure!" advised the
agronomist.
With some difficulty and great expense the owner was
able to secure enough manure for his trees. The trees
produced a bumper crop of pineapples, with just a
minor problem, they tasted a bit strange.
With some concern, the owner called his distributor on
the mainland as asked, "Harry, do you think you can
sell pineapples that taste a little like pussy?"
"I'm not sure, Harry answered, but, if you can figure
out a way to make pussy taste a little like pineapple,
we'll make a fortune!!!"
**************************
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful,
but not so beautiful that people think
you married her only for her beauty.
And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy,
but not so wealthy that people think
you married her only for her money.
And The Ideal Wife should be gentle,
but not so gentle that she can't
suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.
*****************************
A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives
all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport
office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled
filling her passport application.
The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde
trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this
question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the blonde answers.
****************************
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
"Jon, this is your doctor. I have the test results,
and I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like me to tell you first?"
"Go ahead and tell me the good news, doc."
"Jon, our tests show that you have a rare disorder that will cause your
penis to grow 3-5 inches longer, and grow about an inch to 2 inches in width.
I'm sorry, but your penis will be this way for the rest of your life, there's no way to reverse it."
"Well hell yeah! I don't understand, what's the bad news?"
"It's malignant."
Posted by leibniz
Material...
We need more material in here...
This thread is dying. You and i seem to be the only ones left...
Posted by ShawO
okok...
dont tell me u havent heard this ollddd 1
The Truth Is Easier
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awaking around eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling", replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Posted by Eleventy7
oldie-but-goodie mate, but a least it's some material!
Posted by leibniz
Funny stuff !
As I have posted so many jokes here, forgive me if this one is a repeat ...
- - -
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
'What can I get you?' the barman inquires.
'I want six shots of whisky,' responds the young man.
'Six shots? Are you celebrating something?'
'Yeah, my first blowjob.'
'Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.'
The young man says, 'No offence sir, but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.'
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by mhorton
Busy again are we Kev,
Posted by gigolo (",)
Posted by francine
are u pickin' up a fight?
Posted by Eleventy7
gotta nasty feelin this might've been posted before, but hey:
In the Garden of Eden one day, God visited his most beautiful lake. He was horrified to see Eve swimming there ...
He shouted out to her, "Get back to land! NOW!!"
She swam back as fast as she could and stood before her Maker, cold, wet and shivering. "Yes, Lord?"
God chastised His daughter,"Eve! Do you know how long it took Me to get those fish to smell like chicken? NOW look what you've done to them ..."
***********************************
Clyde from Alabama.
Accidents happen.
Clyde, a farmer in Alabama, decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the
accident) to court In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Clyde.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the
lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the
accident?"
Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is A fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "About that time
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me and said, "And, how are you feeling?'"
Posted by Eleventy7
> Snappy Answer #1
>
> A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
> a
man
> approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his
> coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to
> see your ticket, not your stub."
>
> Snappy Answer #2
>
> A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but
> couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf
> stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No , they're
> dead."
>
> Snappy Answer #3
>
> The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for
> speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day,"
> the policeman said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as
> I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad
> on his way without a ticket.
>
> Snappy Answer #4
>
> A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low
> bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and
> he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally,
> a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks
> around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
> stuck?"
>
> The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran
> out of petrol."
>
> and finally #5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
>
> A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam.
> "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
> might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
> illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other
> excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised
> his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
> suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class
> does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the
> lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and
> sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your
> other hand
********************************
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a
20-year-old girl.
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give
birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing.
How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "you've got to keep that old motor running".
The following year the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running".
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running".
The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black".
*************************
Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided they should go to college so they could get ahead.
Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.
"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor.
"Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Sure do," the redneck responded.
"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard," the professor went on.
"That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.
"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"
"GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.
"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife. Right?"
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on now.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual rather than homosexual. Is that right?"
"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"? Cooter asks.
"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.
"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you own a weed-eater?"
"No." says Cooter.
"You're Queer, aintcha?"
******************
Am i keeping this thread alive all by myself or what?
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-04-29 13:59 ]
Posted by Bjerkebanen
Thid dude was jabbing on to his mate about he getting his fore skin cutt off. The mate replays i had that done when i was born and i coudent walk for a year!
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by Eleventy7
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks "Get me a Goddamn whisky, you stupid bitch!" The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "Get me another whisky, cunt!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky, but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!" A minute later, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit, and throw them out of the plane.
Plunging downwards, the parrot turns to him and says, "You sure are a ballsy bastard for someone who can't fly!"
*****************************
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
Posted by Caveman
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step
into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he
has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. He
freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he
looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap
dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his
manhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of soap. The third nun
decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing
happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells!
"Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by Capt_Neo
lol
Posted by ShawO
apologies in advance to our indian community
Indian English
This is an actual collection of leave letters and applications written by people from India.
1 . A candidate's application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.
2. An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave.
3. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend's letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school"
6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day".
7. A covering note "I am enclosed herewith..."
8. Another leave letter written to Administration dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
9. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
10. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
Posted by Bjerkebanen
. <---this is how it lock on the toilet after the fly has taken a dump
this is how it lock on the toilet after the fly has a lose stumic:
------
Posted by Eleventy7
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his
Volvo to an Irish gas station. The attendant greets him in typical
Irish manner, unaware of just who the golf pro is.
"Top o' the morning!" he calls out.
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall
out of his pocket..
"So, what are those, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em
for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls onwhen I drive," replies Tiger.
"Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the
Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Volvo think of everything!"
******************
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
So she leaves and a few moments later the lady comes back wearing a brassiere tied to her head. And it is abundantly obvious from the bouncing and giggling where the brassiere came from.
The shocked priest says,"Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a brassiere."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see.... And your left one isn't bad either, but you still cannot enter THIS church like that!"
***************
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor took our his thermometer to take her tempature.
"Now, say ahh."
The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc."
How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"So be it. Lie on your stomach."
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."
********************
After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her !!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Posted by mhorton
Not really a joke but still funny
http://pommi4.mine.nu/sekalaisia/celebxxx.swf
Posted by cyanx7
what a disapointment, man!!!!!
Posted by ShawO
*ahem*
a thousand apologies your garbesty, but the topic reads
'post your funny jokes here'
not
'post your best XXX stuff here'
Posted by cyanx7
can't i be disapointed anyway?
Posted by mhorton
It's my thead I can post what I like in it, Also if you go to it you will see that it isn't porn at all.,
_________________
Mark
Sony Ericsson P800 - Panasonic GD87
CruiseQuest Forum
mark@cqforums.co.uk
[ This Message was edited by: mhorton on 2003-05-07 11:51 ]
Posted by cyanx7
chill out man!!! i was only joking... take it easy!
how serious can u get on a joke thread?
Posted by ShawO
Posted by Eleventy7
shut up arguing or mummy won't let u have a lollipop when u get home!
Posted by mhorton
| Quote: |
|
Dude I was only messing with ya.,
Posted by Eleventy7
A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg.
The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear
lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says "Father remember
psalm 129."
The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable to
remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for the
zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once
again says "Father remember psalm 129"
Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know the flesh
is weak."
Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his
way.
Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm
129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"
***************
How to measure your penis:
1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).
2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is ``1234567890-+'' the backspace key removes the "=")
3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.
Cautions
1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard, or place two keyboards end to end.
3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.
4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT. Test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders.
Test Results Diagnosis
1 -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome
12367 -- You have a strange gap in your penis
12efgbn -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.
12wgui,l=]\ -- Seek immediate medical care.
_________________
Mornin.
Deize!
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-05-07 20:13 ]
Posted by Eleventy7
Anything you can do...
Feat of strength.
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Posted by Eleventy7
feel free to join in whenever you're all ready!
Aunt Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she
took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself
in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a
burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just
exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor told her that her heart would be just below her left breast.
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.
Posted by Eleventy7
looks like me again
An old farmer and his brand new young bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the younger horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the young tender horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little while, the gelding stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride scolded him,
"That was so stupid!"
The farmer said, "That's once."
Posted by mhorton
Where you getting all these joke from.., I don't get sent that many
Posted by Eleventy7
i don't get sent them, just trawl my vast database in my head for them