Posted by Eleventy7
because i changed it myself when i posted it!
Posted by ShawO
ah u arse...
Posted by Eleventy7
praiae, praise indeed from Shawo!
Posted by Eleventy7
Mad Ethel
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one
sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some
of the males actually join in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one
corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his
arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice, "have you got a
license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled
out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away
Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on
one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!
Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled
out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said,
"Carry on, madam." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front
door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a
very sizeable erection in his hand.
"Oh, no" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"
Posted by cyanx7
wicked!!!
Posted by JwY
!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Eleventy7
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband
had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Posted by mhorton
Nice one Kev,
Posted by Eleventy7
I seem to be the King of this thread recently, even if i do say so myself!
Posted by mhorton
I started it ages ago now..., Still live and kicking...
Posted by Eleventy7
u started it on the 14th May last year and still goin!
longer than the UK thread (altho nowhere near the amount of posts!)
_________________
Mornin.
Deize!
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-03-18 19:27 ]
Posted by Eleventy7
I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.
ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ...
ME: Is this AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....
ME: This is AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....
ME: Is this AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr.Byron, please.?
ME: May I ask who is calling.?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
ME: Ok, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
ME: Hello.?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron.?
ME: May I ask who is calling, please.?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: This is AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: The phone company.?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you
10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
ME: 7 days a week.?
AT&T: That's right.
ME: 365 days a year.?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
ME: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one
at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check,
can I get a cash advance.?
AT&T: Excuse me.?
ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about.?
ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,
365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute,
that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme?
I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ...
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please.?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor.!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.
At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.
SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron.?
ME: Yeth.?
SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Is This A T & T.?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter
and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to
get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?
ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: click........
****************************************
An Amish couple had just been married and went to a
hotel for their honeymoon. The Amish man went to the
front desk and asked for a room. He said this occasion
was very special to them and they needed a good room.
The clerk winked and asked "Do you want the Bridal?
The Amish fellow thought about it a while and then
replied, "No, I guess not, I'll just hold onto her
ears until she gets used to it."
Posted by leibniz
This guy is walking down the street and he sees a sign for a business that reads "Ole Svenson's Chinese Laundry".
Curious, he walks inside and asks to chat with the owner. "How did you come about that name of your business there?" He asks.
"Well," said the chinese owner, "it's a strange thing. When I was immigrating into this country, I was waiting on a Swede to finish with the immigration officer. Finally he did, and when it was my turn, the first thing they asked was my name, so I told them: Sam Ting."
Posted by cyanx7
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by leibniz
A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?"
He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."
Posted by leibniz
There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'
Posted by Eleventy7
liebniz - heard them, but they're oldi-but-goodies
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
**********************************************
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
********************************************
Controverisal (and I know i'm gonna get flamed for these) but anyway:
Parlez vous francais?
"My favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is the one that
says 'First Iraq, then France'." Tom Brokaw
"The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from
Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France." - Jay
Leno
"France said this week they need more evidence to convince them Saddam is a
threat. Yeah, last time France asked for more evidence it came rollin thru
Paris with a German flag on it." - Dave Letterman
Why are all the highways in France lined with trees? So the Germans can
march in the shade!!!
France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable
because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because
they live in France. - Mark Twain
Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada. - Ted
Nugent
The only way the French are going in with us is if we tell them we found
truffles in Iraq.
War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II.
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The French Army.
How many frenchman does it take to defend Paris? We don't know, it's never
been tried.
The best French bashing line heard over the last week is:
"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when
they needed us."
************************************************
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out his best friend was screwing his wife.
_________________
Mornin.
Deize!
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-03-20 18:02 ]
Posted by fijbert
the french thing wasnt cool..
nor was it funny...
I wont flame u.. u didnt say these comments...
but to the dumbass who did..
the french r being smarter by avoiding war..
if u want this planet to survive.. we must first instaure ecological safety, and secondly a uranium use barrier..
we shall remain a primitive retarded civilization and wont more than 2 centuries if we keep this up
Posted by leibniz
I thought the French bits were very funny. Come on, we have been making fun of the French for generations - it's a tradition. If we can't laugh at ourselves afterall, when who can we laugh at?
Let's not get too philisophical here. We simply don't have enough information to know if the USA is doing the right thing, or if we are going to all be blown to bits next week. Obviously we all prefer the former.
Just my 0.02
Posted by Eleventy7
Anyway we've started to go off topic, there's plenty of other threads about the war, so lets just keep this thread to the jokes now
Posted by leibniz
ack.
Some great ways to annoy people at work...
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3. Insist that your e-mail address be xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or elvis-the-king@companyname.com
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'
7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours"
10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13. Don't use any punctuation
14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15. Ask people what sex they are.
16. Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22. Five days in advance tell your co-workers you can't attend the social event because you're not in the mood.
23. Pretend your phone is a CB when talking with clients.
Posted by leibniz
I haven't seen these in this thread so hopfully they haven't been posted before ...
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
Posted by cyanx7
no they haven't been posted before, trust me!... i'd remember!
Posted by Eleventy7
damn fine efforts leibniz !!!
Posted by asdf
By shear coincidence, I happened aling this one ...
[editor's note: past president substituted for present president]
At a meeting for peace negotiations George Bush and Sadamm Hussein were in Baghdad and when George sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddamm with three buttons on the arm of his chair. after a few minutes Sadamm pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit George square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking until sadamm pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill George in the chin. Sadamm started laughing. But again George ignored this and continued . A minute later George saw Sadamm press the third button and he jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls. George had decided he had enough of this and when back home.
Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Sadamm sat down in George's conference room he noticed George had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking George pressed the first button but nothing happened, George started giggling. They continued to talk then George pressed the second button, Sadamm moved but again nothing happened. Sadamm was getting a little jumpy and George was laughing even harder. A few minutes later George pressed the third button and stared pissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Sadamm had enough of this, stood up and said "That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" , to which George replied "What Baghdad?"
- - -
IDIOT SIGHTINGS...
Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? "He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4: I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open." Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."
Sighting #6: I work in a hospital and one day the doctor and I were asking a pregnant lady some questions upon admission to the maternity ward. When we asked her who we should call in case of an emergency, she stated "911".
Sighting #7: My daughter was going over to the neighbors house to visit but didn't want to miss a call from her boyfriend so she took the cordless phone with her. While at the neighbors she wanted to check back at home to see if her younger brother was okay. My daughter then picked up the neighbors phone and dialed our number. While waiting for someone to answer the phone at home, the phone she brought over with her began to ring. She immediately hung up the neighbors phone and answered our phone. There was no one there. She wanted to know who it was who called so she used our phone to call our house. The line was busy. Getting very frustrated she left the neighbors to go home and see who was on the phone. No one was on the phone. My daughter could not figure out what was going on until someone explained it to her.
Sighting #8: As systems manager of an answering service a few years back I had the pleasure of working with an especially ignorant doctor. Our system was trying to fax her messages to her place of business when a message came back informing us her fax was out of paper. When I called her office and told her about this she replied, "Oh, I'm all out of bond paper. Could you fax me some?" I'm right f**kin' on it, Babe.
Sighting #9: I was in McDonalds one time when the lady in front of me ordered a cheeseburger and requested no cheese. Now I don't know about you but that sounds like a nice hamburger to me.
Sighting #10: Many years ago I worked in a delicatessen. The assistant manager had burnt something in the oven and smoke was pouring from the kitchen area. When the store manager came by and asked why she hadn't opened the emergency fire exit door to allow the smoke to go outside she said, "I thought about it but I couldn't find the key!"
Sighting #11: I was sitting at my University bar with some friends the other day when we overheard a man talking on his mobile phone. He was saying that he wanted to "buy, buy, buy" some shares and "sell, sell, sell" some shares. Unfortunately for him, his mobile phone actually began to ring!!! The laughter in the bar was heard for miles!! Now that's what I call an IDIOT!
Sighting #12: A friend of mine and I were on a little road trip with his wife driving. Everything was pretty quiet when she turned to us and asked, "If you are driving 70mph, about how far would you go in an hour?" Oh yeah, she's a smart one.
Sighting #13: Calling the telecommunication company to inform them my phone didn't work and that when I picked up the receiver its completely dead, the technician said from the other end "Are you calling from the number of the phone that does not work?"
Posted by leibniz
A senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to
Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came
up to the driver and said "I've been molested!"
The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to
go sit back down.
10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed
SHE'D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of
wackos - who'd molest them?
10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested
too. The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest
stop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees
in the aisle.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?"
"I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I
grabbed it, it ran away..."
Posted by asdf
... Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, flings open his coat and flashes them. Two have strokes... but the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.
Posted by leibniz
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club".
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.
So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"
The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".
The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?".
The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples".
Posted by Eleventy7
gems indeed
Posted by leibniz
speaking of gems ...
---
John died and arrived in Hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin with.
The Devil took John to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. John said he did not think that was where he wanted to start. They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine-tails. John also declined this form of torture.
The third room had a old man strapped to the wall naked, and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. John told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted. The Devil said, "Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!" John assured him this was the punishment he wanted. So the Devil walked over to the young blond woman and said ... ...
"You can go now, I've found your replacement."
Posted by Eleventy7
heard that b4 but it's still a good'un
Now that the mighty American Military has reorganized the Iraqi landscape,
the people are now free. Some of them have renamed their towns, to help
memorialize their experience under Saddam, and the war that brought
them a now peaceful life. Here are a few of the new names.
1) Wherzmaroof
2)Makamel-Izded
3)Oshitdis-Abad
4)Waddi-el-Izgowenon
5)Pleez-Ztopdishit
6)Kizz-Yerass-Gudbi
7)Ikantstandis-Nomur
Whadefuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9)Maturban-Izaburnin
10)Imma-Dedschmuck
_________________
Mornin.
Deize!
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-03-26 13:53 ]
Posted by Eleventy7
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision
to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the
way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses
the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our
wedding gifts, please."
Posted by cyanx7
this would probably make a good signature, but i'll post it here anyway(got it today by e-mail):
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy, The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is
accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war."
Posted by Eleventy7
think u'll find superluminova already has that as his signature m8
Posted by cyanx7
really!...
i didn't see it...
sorry super...!
Posted by Eleventy7
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he
was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began
to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a
sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smackin the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he
would listen for a minute, then nod hishead in agreement; but when a
man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake
his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the
ministerdecided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the
funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he
nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head
and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say
something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress
was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Posted by cyanx7
i'm gonna get fired if i read any more of u're jokes, man...
Posted by Eleventy7
why? do ur colleagues not have a sense of humour?
Posted by cyanx7
why do u have to pass judgement on the garbage folk...
don't be that way, Kev... come on.
hillarious comments were made here often. i'm sorry u didn't read them... the "WAR" thread was histerical in the begining. i created the thread and the "idea" around it, and everytime i read the posts that were made when i was gone, i just couldn't believe my eyes! these people could allways make me laugh, and it sure was surprising.
the garbage folk can allways surprise me. that's why i lose a lot of time here.
Posted by shithappens
right on brother
Posted by Eleventy7
erm uve lost me now? when was i passing judgement? my comment about ur colleagues lacking a sense of humour was a joke m8, no offence intended!
I've never seriously passed judgement on any1 in the garbage thread, my comments always tongue-in-cheek coz i'm naturally a sarcastic f**ker, so sorry if i've offended!
Posted by shithappens
u haf not eleventy7....no worries....we're all here in the name of fun and in appreciation of good jokes, cars, booze and womenn (not necessary in that order!!!)
Posted by cyanx7
it's all good 117...
i thought u really meant that... well shithappens is right as usual... i would even defend his preferences in that same exact order...
Posted by Eleventy7
cool we're all brothers again then
Posted by fijbert
yeah.. us garbagians shld stick together.. and overthrow the accessories forum....
Posted by Eleventy7
don't pigeon-hole me tho fij, i'm primarily a UK-threadian, i just moonlight a bit on the garbage thread!
Posted by fijbert
pigeon-hole u?
Posted by ('',)bluemint
A MAN SPOKE FRANTICALLY INTO THE PHONE, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 5 mins. apart!""Is this her first child?"the doctor asked?"No!" the man shouted,"This is her husband!"
[ This Message was edited by: ('',)bluemint on 2003-03-31 07:02 ]
Posted by francine
Romantic Acronyms
H.O.L.L.A.N.D
Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I.T.A.L.Y.
I Trust And Love You.
L.I.B.Y.A.
Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F.R.A.N.C.E.
Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C.H.I.N.A.
Come Here.. I Need Affection.
B.U.R.M.A.
Between Us, Remember Me Always.
I.N.D.I.A.
I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K.E.N.Y.A.
Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C.A.N.A.D.A.
Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction
K.O.R.E.A.
Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.
E.G.Y.P.T.
Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!
R.U.S.S.I.A.
Romance Under the Sky & Stars is Intimate Always.
M.A.N.I.L.A.
May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
J.A.P.A.N
Jump And Play All Night