Posted by shithappens
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Goof. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
_________________
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Becoz "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2003-02-01 03:33 ]
Posted by Eleventy7
nice one
Posted by shithappens
Dan wuz in the pub till it closed at 2am....totally drunk, he staggers outta the pub and ponders for a moment. With the oh-so-strict drunk driving laws in effect, Dan decides against driving home. It's cool as he stays only a coupla blocks from his apartment. The walk was slow (he's pissed drunk after all) and he's nearing his apartment when a patrol car spots him and stops over.
Officer: Would you mind telling me just where you think you are going at this hour sir?
Dan: (Hic!) I'm gonna to attend a lecture.....
Officer: At this hour?? You hafta be joking...
Dan: Precisely at this hour (hic!) my good man! Haf you ever tried going home to your missus drunk at 2 in the morning??
Posted by tranquil
A guy in a sleek sports car was testing out his new wheels when the famous Blue Lights appeared in his rear view mirrior. He gave it a go to out run the cop but canged his mind after a coupple of minutes thinking of the consequences and pulled over.
The copper came up to the car, "OK, it's friday, my chift is soon over and I'm in a good mood. If you can give me a VERY good reason for your actions I'll let you off."
"Well, Officer. You see, my wife ran off with a cop the other day and I was worried it was you, coming to hand her back..."
He was let off.
Posted by francine
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Posted by tranquil
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
They pay you back by selling you illegal fireworks and let you blow up small parts of your country.
You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
a) You can legally kill yourself
b) You can legally be killed
You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
If other countries want to fight a war, they will do in your country.
You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
You are either:-
a) like the Dutch, just less efficient
b) like the French, just less romantic
c) like the Germans
Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer. Need I say more?
No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time.
You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
If there's a war you can surrender really early.
You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries (Well who hasn't eh?)
You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
You don't have to bother with toilets, just sh*t in the street
People think you're a great lover even when you're not
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
You can have a woman president without electing her
You can spell color wrong and get away with it
You can call Budweiser beer
You can be a crook and still be president
If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
If you can breathe you can get a gun
You get to be really obese
You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
a) When you're not.
b) At all.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN
You get to pay the highest taxes in the world
You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
You can go skiing in your knickers.
You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious.
When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
You can actually get bored with blondes.
You get to wear fantastic jumpers
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
Two World Wars and One World Cup-doo-dah, doo-dah
Proper beer.
You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
Union jack underpants.
Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
Ditto changing underwear.
Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
Unembarrassed to wear fur.
No need to worry about tax returns.
Glorious military history prior to 400 BC
Can wear sunglasses inside.
Political stability.
Flexible working hours.
Live near the Pope.
Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
Country run by Sicilian murderers
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
Honesty.
Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
You get to eat bulls' testicles.
Gibraltar.
Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
Give them a second chance...
Oktoberfest.
Oktoberfest-beer.
BMW.
VW.
Audi.
Mercedes.
On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
Contrary to common belief, laughing is not forbidden by law.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
Chicken Madras.
Lamb Passanda.
Onion Bhaji.
Bombay Potato.
Chicken Tikka Masala.
Rogan Josh.
Popadoms.
Chicken Dopiaza.
Meat Boona.
Kingfisher lager.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
Guinness.
18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
Pubs never close.
Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
No one can ever remember the night before.
Kill people you don't agree with.
Stew.
More Guinness.
Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
It beats being an American.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
Kill Grizzly bears with huge f**k-off shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
Fosters Lager.
Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
Tact and sensitivity.
Bondi Beach.
Other beaches.
Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
Drinking cold lager on the beach.
Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
Doner.
Shish.
Cos.
Greasy cafes.
Egg, bacon, beans, chips and toast.
Cyprus.
Can take the piss out of the Turks.
Kebabs.
Egg, bacon, beans, chips and toast.
Moustaches.
And finally, if you're not on the list, you're not culturally different...
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by Caveman
Posted by Eleventy7
Michael Jackson
How doe MJ pick his nose?
With a catalog.
What's the difference between MJ and a grocery bag?
One's white, made from plastic, and harmful to children, the other you
carry your groceries in.
Why did Pepsi fire MJ?
Coz he was caught sucking on a Squirt!
How do we know MJ is guilty?
Because he's been fingered by several children.
What is MJ's new book called?
The Ins & Outs of Child Rearing.
When is it bedtime at Neverland Ranch?
When the big hand is on the little hand.
Why does MJ want to be a jockey?
Because he heard they ride 3 year olds.
What's the hardest stain to get out of little boy's underpants? MJ's make-up.
Posted by shithappens
good one mate.....when the big hand is on the little hand
Posted by fijbert
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
On a propaganda tour through the United States, President George Bush
visits a school and explains his political actions.
Afterwards he invites the children to ask him questions.
Little Bob rises to speak:
Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest
terrorist attack of all times?
Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children run out of
the classroom.
When they come back from the break President Bush encourages them
again to ask questions.
This time Joey rises to speak:
Mr. President, I have got five questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest
terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today?
5. Where is Bob???
_________________
It's funny how red is the color of love and hell... I guess they go hand in hand
[ This Message was edited by: fijbert on 2003-02-14 07:29 ]
Posted by pachy
Q, Whats ET short for,
A, Because he`s got little legs !
Posted by Caveman
Three reasons to have a £ 50 note tattooed onto your penis:
1 - You can play with it.
2 - You can watch your money grow.
3 - Your girlfriend / wife can blow as much money as she likes.
Posted by supersonicfruitfly
great thread! some contributions
First-year students at medical school were receiving their first
anatomy class with the body of a deceased man. They all gathered around
the
surgery table where lay the cadaver, covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is
that
you must not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
To prove his point, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger
in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go
ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, and after a few minutes of hesitation, took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
"The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger
and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding...
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: Oh, it's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: You have a gun in there?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the lady who owns the car. She's in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!?
The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for backup. Quickly, the car is surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure, Officer.
Captain: Hmm, this license is just fine. Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can see if there's a gun in there?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
He opens it, and sure enough, there's no gun.
Captain: Would you mind if we opened the trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened, nothing in there but a spare tire.
Captain: The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
Posted by shithappens
Posted by shithappens
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a liquor store and asks the clerk for a case of beer.
The clerk asks, "What kind of beer would you like, we have imports, domestic, we have all kinds of beer."
The man says, "I don’t care what beer it is, as long as it is not Schlitz."
The clerk says, "What's so wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?"
The man says, "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks."
The clerk reply’s, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks."
"You don't understand," said the man, "Chunks is my dog."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........
"You f**king idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Edward walks out of a bar completely wasted, stumbling back and forth holding his car key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was right here at the end of this key", Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edward’s penis is hanging out of his trousers.
The cop asks, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you are exposing yourself? "
Edward looks down sadly and moans,
"OHHH SHIT...they got my girlfriend too!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers"
"What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach
& they're demanding beer."
"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy.
"I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going IN Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."
"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
_________________
"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip outta man's genitals through his wallet."
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2003-02-17 04:18 ]
Posted by Mrwb
A blond joke...
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."
Posted by supersonicfruitfly
call me dumb, but i totally did not get the last joke.
Posted by shithappens
when read aloud slowly it sounds like:
come for the bull
com-for-ta-ble
Posted by Eleventy7
it's an old one that, oldy but goody!
Posted by Eleventy7
Top Ten Rejected Valentines Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Posted by shithappens
Posted by JwY
haha
this guy's a mack!
Posted by fijbert
On a propaganda tour through the United States, President George Bush
visits a school and explains his political actions.
Afterwards he invites the children to ask him questions.
Little Bob rises to speak:
Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest
terrorist attack of all times?
Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children run out of
the classroom.
When they come back from the break President Bush encourages them
again to ask questions.
This time Joey rises to speak:
Mr. President, I have got five questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest
terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today?
5. Where is Bob???
Posted by ShawO
if i'm not mistaken, you posted that 1 before?
@shithappens
prefered your previous signature
Posted by cyanx7
This started with an offensive joke so here's another:
what has 100 legs and can't walk?
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
50 tetraplegic children.
(please don't hate me - i had to do it
)
Posted by Jjaks
Posted by shithappens
| Quote: |
|
Posted by fijbert
ShawO
did I?
I cldnt find it on the thread, I guess I must hv skipped over it..
my bad...
I send so many jokes/post so much that I loose track of things like that
Posted by ShawO
well, its still better than someone who gets a ton of forwarded mail a day filled with crappy jokes...
Posted by fijbert
I usually get my jokes from ppl who get the tons of crappy jokes, they filter out the bad stuff and send me the good stuff
but I stopped e-mailing jokes..
ppl just dont read their mail so they go over their storage..
blah
Posted by Eleventy7
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Posted by cyanx7
u're the man!
Posted by Eleventy7
cheers!
Posted by shithappens
real gems mate....real gems!!! kudos.....
Posted by Eleventy7
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no fookin way we can feed two million prisoners."
************************************************
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three
very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures
had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly
half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans
in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis
also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay
men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
_________________
Mornin.
Deize!
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-03-03 17:50 ]
Posted by JwY
lol
that's some gooooood stuff!!
Posted by shithappens
@eleventy: now thats some really good shit.....gonna email it to some of my mates....
Posted by supersonicfruitfly
> Professor's Exam, The Car Broke Down
> Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided
> to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they
> showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the
> night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time
> to study.
>
> The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
> That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were
> sure that they knew just about everything.
>
> Arriving to class the next morning, each boy wa! s told to go to two
> separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and
> went to two different parts of the building.
>
> As each sat down, they read the first question.
>
> "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."
>
> At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of
> cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test
> continued.
>
> "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
>
>
> Smart Lawyer In Space Trip
>
> NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending
> to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it
> would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.
>
> The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he
> wanted to be paid for going.
>
> "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate
> it all to my Alma mater-Rice University."
>
> The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the
> same question.
! >
> "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my
> family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
> research."
>
> The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he
> wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
>
> "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
>
> The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one
> million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
>
> Children'! s Name & Mothers' Obsessions
> A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three
> young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions,"
> he observed.
> To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
> even named your daughter Candy."
> He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it
> manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
> At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand
> and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
>
>
> ! UNIQUE BREAKFAST
> A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that
> read "Unique Breakfast", so he walked in and sat down.
> The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
> "What's your 'Unique Breakfast'?" he asked inquisitively.
> "Baked tongue of chicken," she replied proudly.
> "Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have ANY idea how disgusting
> that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out
> of a chicken's mouth!" the man fumed.
> Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you like then, sir?"
> The man replied! , "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."
>
> Advanced Technologies Found In Ancient Civiliations
> After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found
> traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the
> conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network
> one thousand years ago.
>
> So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American
> scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US
> scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibbers, and
> have concluded that their anc! estors already had advanced high-
> tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
>
> One week later, the Indian press reported the following:
> "After digging as deep as 800m, Indian scientists have found
> absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their
> ancestors were already using mobile phones and used wireless
> communications."
Posted by shithappens
good one mate
Posted by Eleventy7
nice one bruv!
Posted by Eleventy7
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know that we were
getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical...... All the oil
is in California, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, New Mexico,
Alaska, etc.
All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
************************************
85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well. Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris.
Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised Lou Anne consents to more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but aha you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for more "action."
Once again they enjoy each other. But, as Morris is set to leave again,his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
Posted by supersonicfruitfly
An emperor in the Far East was growing old and knew it was time to
choose his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or his
children, he decided something different. He called young people in
the kingdom together one day. He said, "It is time for me to step down and
choose the next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you." The
kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. "I am going to give each one
of you a seed today. One very special seed. I want you to plant the seed,
water it and come back here one year from today with what you have grown
from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and
the one I choose will be the next emperor!"
One boy named Ling was there that day and he, like the others,
received a seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the story.
She helped him get a pot and planting soil, and he planted the seed
and watered it carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see
if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other youths
began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.
Ling kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, 4
weeks, 5 weeks went by. Still nothing. By now, others were talking
about their plants but Ling didn't have a plant, and he felt like a
failure.
Six months went by--still nothing in Ling's pot. He just knew he had
killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had
nothing. Ling didn't say anything to his friends, however. He just
kept waiting for his seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought
their plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he
wasn't going ! to take an empty pot. But honest about what happened,
Ling felt sick to his stomach, but he knew his mother was right. He took
his empty pot to the palace.
When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by
the other youths. They were beautiful--in all shapes and sizes. Ling put
his empty pot on the floor and many of the other kinds laughed at him. A
few felt sorry for him and just said, "Hey nice try."
When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young
people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants,
trees and flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today, one of
you will be appointed the next emperor!"
All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room
with his empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling
was terrified. "The emperor knows I'm! a failure! Maybe he will have me
killed!" When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My
name is Ling," he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun
of him. The emperor asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and
then announced to the crowd, "Behold your new emperor! His name is
Ling!"
Ling couldn't believe it. Ling couldn't even grow his seed. How
could he be the new emperor? Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I
gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it,
water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds
which would not grow. All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and
plants and flowers.
When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another
seed for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and
honesty to bring! me a pot with my seed in it.
Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor!"
> > > > If you plant honesty, You will reap trust
> > > > If you plant goodness, You will reap friends
> > > > If you plant humility, You will reap greatness
> > > > If you plant perseverance, You will reap victory
> > > > If you plant consideration, You will reap harmony
> > > > If you plant hard work, You will reap success
> > > > If you plant forgiveness, You will reap reconciliation
> > > > If you plant openness, You will reap intimacy
> > > > If you plant patience, You will reap improvements
> > > > If you plant faith, You will reap miracles
> > > > But
> > > > If you plant dishonesty, You will reap distrust.
> > > > If you plant selfishness, You will reap loneliness
> > > > If you plant pride, You will reap destruction
> > > > If you plant envy, You will reap trouble
> > > > If you plant laziness, You will reap stagnation.
> > > > If ! you plant bitterness, You will reap isolation
> > > > If you plant greed, You will reap loss
> > > > If you plant gossip, You will reap enemies
> > > > If you plant worries, You will reap wrinkles
> > > > If you plant sin, You will reap guilt
> > > >
> > > > So be careful what you plant now, It will determine what you will
reap
> > > > tomorrow
> > > > The seeds you now scatter, Will make life worse or better your life
or
> > > > the ones who will come after.
> > > > Yes, someday, you will enjoy the fruits, Or you will pay for the
> > > > choices you plant today.
_________________
SE also stands for Superior Equipment.
(says me, and those pple with things called brains.)
[ This Message was edited by: supersonicfruitfly on 2003-03-07 14:13 ]
Posted by Eleventy7
25 Signs that you've grown up:
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
~
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
~
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
~
4. 600 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
~
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
~
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
~
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
~
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
~
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
~
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
~
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
~
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
~
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
~
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
~
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
~
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 ! ! PM.
~
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
~
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset rather than settle, your stomach.
~
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condom and pregnancy tests.
~
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
~
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
~
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
~
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
~
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
~
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
Posted by Eleventy7
A man boarded an airplane, and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his, and sat down. Eager to strike up a conversation with her, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"
She turned to him and smiled and said, "business, I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a convention for nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "what's your role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. " I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.
We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the southern redneck."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Cletus."
Posted by shithappens
classic man.......
Posted by cyanx7
that one was beautiful, 117...
best one i read here so far!!!
Posted by ShawO
eh?
wasn't it bubba?
Posted by Eleventy7
| Quote: |
|
depends on the version of the joke m8, i prefer Cletus because Cletus is the redneck out of the Simpsons, as in Cletus The Slack-Jawed Yokel
Posted by ShawO
Oh... How could I forget :P But that's the first time i heard this version :-)