Posted by mhorton
The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and
she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything.
During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a
male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the
meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your
Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only
following doctors' orders.
"His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep
overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he
has been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a very
real danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a nubile young nurse was giving
a
patient a blow job.
"Oh my", said the Queen,"What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA.
Posted by Eleventy7
Nice 1 Mark
Posted by bingo
Where do I sign for BUPA cover?
Posted by tranquil
A travelling salesman visits a small town in Saskatchewan and sees a
circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman"
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets
blare and all eyes turn to the centre ring. There, spot lit in the
centre ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is
an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifts his kilt, whips out a huge penis and smashes
all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause
as the elderly Scot is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a
faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing
Scotsman." He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still
doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the centre ring is
illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on
the table. The Scotsman stands before them, then suddenly lifts his
kilt and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible," he tells the Scotsman. "But I have to know
something. You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well", says the Scot "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be."
Posted by tranquil
THREE MICE
>
>Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at
>night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
>
>The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass, on to
>the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie
>on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it
>in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then
>make off with the cheese."
>
>The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after
>the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and
>replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take
>it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so
>can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
>
>The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
>
>The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long
>sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. Gotta
>go home and have sex with the cat."
Posted by tranquil
Just to brag a bit for being Norwegian
+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Norway, so we'll start here. People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
The Norvegians are out in the sun, getting a tan.
+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Norvegians plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Norvegians are cruising in cabriolets.
0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Oslo Fjord gets a little thicker.
-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Norvegians have their final barbecue before winter.
-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Norvegians start using long sleeves.
-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Norvegians end their Midsummer celebrations.
Autumn is here.
-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Norvegians start drying their laundry indoors.
-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Norvegians stand in line at the hotdog stands.
-50°C / -58°F >
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Norvegian army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.
-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Norvegian army goes out on winter survival training.
-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Norvegian cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.
-273°C / -459.4°F
ALL atom-based movent halts.
The Norvegians start saying "Faen, it's cold outside today."
-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over, Norway wins the Eurovision Song Contest.
Posted by mhorton
Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree went off for the weekend. It was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street. He was a Fishermans Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar. He had a Rum and Butter. She had a
Wine Gum.
He asked her name. She said Polo - I'm the one with the hole (but I'm the
one with the Nuts he thought), then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in at the hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury
turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he
slipped his hand into her Snickers and rubbed her Double Deckers. Then he
showed her his Curly Wurly and she tasted his Brandy Balls.
But Ms Rowntree wasn't too keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, so
she let him dip into her Chocolate Fudge.
He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging. It was a Magic
Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. She wanted a Moro, but
he decided to take a Time Out, because he thought she was about to have a
Kit Kat.
However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising.
So, he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert. At the same time he
gave her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramello.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught VD. It turns out Ms Rowntree
had a Box of Assorted Creams. She really had been with All Sorts.
Posted by bravofly
"Mom, I don´t want to go to America!" - "Shut up and keep swimming!"
Posted by Silencer
There is a legend that goes like this: In a bar in NYC there's a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell the truth it will grant you a wish. If you lie- poof it swallows you up.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror and the redhead goes first. She says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth."
Poof!- the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up. She says, "I think I'm the 6iest woman on Earth."
Poof!- the mirror swallows her up.
Last is the blonde. She says, "I think....."
Poof!
What do Budweiser and a couple making out in a cano have in common?
-They're nice close to water.
Posted by bravofly
hehe tranquil i´ve heard finns telling your last joke, only they were the heros in it!
Posted by bravofly
How do you put four elephants in a Mini?
-
-
-
-
-
-
two in front and two in back
Posted by mscarrot
Why A Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Women?
A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
Posted by shithappens
HoHoHo...and a Merry XMas to all of ya.....
Posted by tranquil
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee," Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are . . .very slowly?"
The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr gerrrrrr
Kiiiing."
Posted by Calvin c",)
this is not a joke but you'll find this very funny...
http://tlf.cx/dearpenis.swf
Posted by shithappens
hahahhahahahahahahaha...good one.....
Posted by ShawO
Joke - Genie World Peace
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie."
The woman didn't hesitate. She said "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! Don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please make it a bit more reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for, a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said "Let me see that f**kin' map again..."
The wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Posted by Calvin c",)
@shithappens, told 'ya it's funny.
Posted by shithappens
this might be a little early but wat the heck.....
You know you're living in 2003 when.....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach yr family of
three.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Yr reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone in business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a
"9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. Yr CV is on a disk in your pocket.
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
12. Yr biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of
yr best jokes.
13. Yr boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contract worker outnumber permanent staff and are more likely
to get long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the 3rd World countries annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or
experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all
the latest features, but you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff
your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time
management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Yr relatives and family describe yr job as "works with computers".
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends".
24. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you
anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
25. AND YOU ARE TOO BUSY TO NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO NUMBER 9.
Posted by Krubach
A guy meets a friend and tells him:
- Man! You can't imagine what happened to me yesterday night!
- ...
- When I was going home, i noticed a girl tied up to the railways next to my house. Just like in the Westerns movies. So i saved her, and we fu**d all night long, with me on top, her on top, doggystyle, ... you name it. What a great night!!!
- And what about bj, was she good at it?
- I don't know... i never found her head!!!
[ This Message was edited by: Krubach on 2002-12-23 11:50 ]
Posted by ShawO
necrophilia
Posted by AzNAltezza
Why did the cookie goto the hospital?
He felt crummy
Posted by AzNAltezza
2 sausages are being cooked in a pot
one turns and talks to the other:
1st Sausage: Man, Its hot in here!
2nd Sausage: AAAAAAH! a talking sausage
Posted by Eleventy7
Christmas cake.
Enjoy!
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Jose Cuervo
2 cups of dried fruit
Directions:
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK. Try
another cup ... just in case Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
Check the Jose Cuervo
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefing. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
Finish the Jose Cuervo and hug the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Share & Enjoy. Hope the holidays are special for you all!
Posted by Eleventy7
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old
dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One
day he rented out his boat to a group of
out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all
day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from
the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day
and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his
brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up
a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there
mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your
loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said,
"Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her
bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old
dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad
crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and
she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I
rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she
smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn
fools tried to get in her all at one time and she
split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
Posted by Eleventy7
Toast:
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters
club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at
who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the
best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
with a toast about you Mary."
She said, Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only
been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him
by the ears to make him come!
Posted by Eleventy7
Farting:
This is a story about a couple that had
been happily married for years. The only friction in
their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly
every morning when he awoke. The noise would
wake his wife and The smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him
to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was
concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to
rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she
was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs
sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the
spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband
was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed
covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband
of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband
waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a
blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife
could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture
she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband
came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants
with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was
the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All
these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to
you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you
always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the
grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I
think I got most of them back in."
Posted by Maestro_Ben
Murphy's Rules of Combat
1) If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2) Incoming fire has the right of way.
3) Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4) The easy way is always mined.
5) Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6) Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7) The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
- When you're ready for them.
- When you're not ready for them.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9) If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10) If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11) Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12) The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13) When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14) If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15) When in doubt empty the magazine.
16) Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17) Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
18) Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19) Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20) A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21) Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
22) The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23) Five second fuses only last three seconds.
Posted by Eleventy7
A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,
the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion
of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set
the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably
more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the
labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and
kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's
blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they
decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the
husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
Posted by Eleventy7
Whitney was sitting one day when her daughter started prodding her mother's bust and saying, "Mommy, what are these?"
Now Whitney was too shy to tell her the truth, so she replied, "They are balloons and when you die they get bigger and float you up to heaven."
The little girl went away but a short time later she came running back in shouting, "Mommy, Mommy, the maid is dying."
His mother was taken aback and asked why she would say that the maid was about to die. "Well," replied the girl, "both her balloons are out, Daddy is blowing them up, and she keeps shouting, 'God I'm coming!"
Posted by Eamonn
lol
How do u put an elephants in a fridge?
>
>
>
Open the door and put it in!
The giraffe & the monkey went out. Why wasn't the elephant with them?
>
>
>
He was in the fridge!
Posted by Eleventy7
ummmmm.....
Posted by Eleventy7
| Quote: |
|
nuff said Eamonn. LOL
Posted by Eamonn
Just wait till I shove Ed's arse up ur head!
Posted by Eleventy7
lol save that for Deize Forums!
Posted by Eamonn
Of course. A tactic..
Posted by Eamonn
http://deize.plus-media.co.uk/viewthread.php?tid=31
Posted by mhorton
Thought you had to get your Forum somewhere!!
Posted by fijbert
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese guy are hired at a
>>construction
>> > > > site.
>> > > > The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the
>>Italian
>> >guy,
>> > > > "You're in charge of sweeping."
>> > > > To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
>> > > > And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
>> > > > He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I
>>expect
>>you
>> >guys
>> > > > to make a big dent in that there pile." So the foreman went
>>away
>>for
>> >a
>> > > > couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is
>>untouched.
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
>> > > > The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the
>>Chinese
>>a
>> > > > fella
>> > > > that he awasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa
>>disappeared and
>>I
>> > > > nocouldafinda him nowhere."
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I
>>thought
>> >I
>> > > > told
>> > > > you to shovel this pile."
>> > > > The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get
>>meself
>> >a
>> > > > shoovel.
>> > > > Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot
>>ahcouldnay
>> >fin'
>> > > > him
>> > > > either."
>> > > > The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the
>>pile of
>> >sand
>> >to
>> > > > look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps
>>out
>>from
>> > > > behind the pile of sand and yells... "SUPPLIES"!!
sorry for the crappy layout.. u know how ppl r with forwards
Posted by Eleventy7
A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking
Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her
Place for "coffee". They get back to her flat and she tells him to help
Himself to a drink whilst she slips into something more comfortable.
Just as the bloke's about to finish his scotch and coke, the incredibly
sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.
"I am your sex slave!," she announces. "I will do ANYTHING your precious
heart desires!"
The man can't quite believe his luck and says, whilst licking his lips
in anticipation, "Hmmmmm, well a 69 would really hit the spot." Fuk
OFF!!!" the Chinese girl replies angrily. "I am not cooking for you at
this time of night."
Posted by warp86
: : : : : : : : : : : :
_________________
What Drives You?
[ This Message was edited by: warp86 on 2003-01-14 09:25 ]
Posted by Silencer
HELPFUL TIPS TO MAKE LIFE SIMPLER:
1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occationally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. The subsequent food poisoning/ diarrhea can enable you to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
5. No time for bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
6. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which a contrasting polish should be selected).
7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Posted by Eleventy7
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a
hen's butt looked edible?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going
to look you know where anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs! And they think Goofy is the stupid one!!!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in
the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
Posted by ShawO
why are goods carried on board a sea vessel called cargo and goods carried by an autombile called shipment?
Posted by Eleventy7
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in
the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third-grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The
teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and
tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher
says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes
open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What do men do standing up, woman do sitting down and dogs
do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before
he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless
and bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
Posted by tranquil
As we all know, al-Qaeda considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Saturday at 2:00 PM GMT all British women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort to have full effect.
All men are to position themselves in chairs in front of their house to prove they are not al-Qaeda, demonstrating that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all British women.
And since al-Qaeda also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-al-Qaeda sentiment.
The British Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity, especially considering the current weather conditions.
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by shithappens
i think that should be implemented over here too.......
Posted by shithappens
A DAY @ WORK QUOTES:
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
_________________
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Becoz "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2003-01-25 16:21 ]
Posted by Eleventy7
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on
shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She
figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights.
She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated
pleasure device ... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real
one.
She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent fake," she
screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these
years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy ... if you explain the kids."
************************************
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm
them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands
are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth
of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He
said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The
warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,
"My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and
she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned
the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They
make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
*************************************
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Over time, the young man noticed the old man was staring at him. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once when I was in the Marines, on a tropical island, and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
****************************
Tim goes into the doctor's office and has some
tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Tim, I'm not going to
beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Tim is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts
and 40 peanuts, ½ box of Grape Nuts cereal, and top it
off with a gallon of prune juice."
Tim asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."