Posted by fatreg
Lovingly wrapped in a nice creamy white envelope, with gorgeously detailed fine gold writing and a first class stamp.........this isnt just any P45 its an M&S P45
Posted by tranced
first time here i think...
what's more bitter than a lemon?
two lemons.
Posted by chabam
Do u know the story of that donkey who says No
This message was posted from a SGH-J750
Posted by Pradhika
When a crack complained of pain in the whole body when pressed, the doctor told: ofcourse you have a finger-fracture.
This message was posted from a 6300
Posted by paul101
The Moped
An elderly man on a Moped,
looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya
got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car,
all right...
But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes,
so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting
closer!
He slows down to see what it could be
and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator
and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's
feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on
him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari
all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped
bearing down on him again !
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear
end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there
anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.'
Posted by HornyNick
WARNING!!!!!
SICK JOKE BELOW!!!!
DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED!!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
What will Jade Goody be doing at Easter?
Babysitting David Camerons son.
Posted by masseur
heard this one on the radio today...
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humor, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do"
Posted by goldenface
Ha ha, that made me giggle.
Posted by dastata
lol I am just having a good laugh
Posted by faultymonkey
Snow white and 6 dwarfs were feeling happy, so he got up and left the room.
Posted by asaid01
so funny
Posted by Boysie
Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls reception & asks for condoms - receptionist says shall I put them on your bill? - "dont be thuckin thupid I'd thuffocate!"
Posted by goldenface
Good one![ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2009-04-02 14:00 ]
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
Sorry this one is so good, I have to repeat it here:
New Zealand at the football world cup!
HAHAHAHAHA. Ok I'll stop now.
Posted by yea g
hahahahahahahahahahaha omg Oli your a comedian!
Posted by procterdc
Time to jazz this thread up lol...
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?"
The man paused for a moment, then quietly said, "no" and hung up.
Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife's lawyer. The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.
Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?"
The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over."
Posted by gola
Does this count, lol, only saw it today...
http://www.esato.com/phonephotos/viewphotos.php?pid=168
Posted by pmerryman
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in.. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
Posted by nicv27
And Jesus said unto his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross....
"Dont touch my easter eggs i`ll be back on Monday
Posted by fatreg
what's a scouse car thief and boy george got in common?
they're both serving time for forcing there way into the back of an escort.
Posted by lukechris
On 2009-04-09 20:34:11, nicv27 wrote:
And Jesus said unto his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross....
"Dont touch my easter eggs i`ll be back on Monday
LOL LOL LOL
Posted by tranced
what could be bitter than a lemon?
Posted by jcwhite_uk
On 2009-04-14 15:54:40, tranced wrote:
what could be bitter than a lemon?
2 Lemons?
Posted by tranced
deja vu? have i made this before?
Posted by jcwhite_uk
On 2009-04-15 05:48:35, tranced wrote:
deja vu? have i made this before?
Yes you have:
On 2009-01-29 21:17:09, tranced wrote:
first time here i think...
what's more bitter than a lemon?
two lemons.
Posted by tranced
plop
Posted by badassmam
Mum and Dad both have bad potty mouths. One day they are fighting and calling each other 'bastard' and 'bitch'. Their Son walks in and asks, "What does 'bastard' and 'bitch' mean?". Mum replies, "bastards and bitches are boys and girls".
Later that day, the post comes through the door and Dad goes to collect them. He sees some bills and says, "Shit!". His Son asks, "What does 'shit' mean?" and Dad replies, "Oh....it's another word for....doormat".
Dad gets on the phone to complain about the bills. "Stop pissing me off!", he says aggressively. "What is pissing?", his Son asks before getting the reply, "It means talking on the phone".
Seeing his Dad in a bad mood, the Son goes to the kitchen to find that Mum has dropped lunch on the floor followed by shouting, "f**k!". What does 'f**k' mean?", he asks innocenetly. "It means cook", she replies as she cleans up the mess.
Later that week, the family throws a big party. The doorbell rings so the Son opens the door as greets the many guests:
"Hello bastards and bitches, wipe your feet on the shit. Dad's upstairs pissing and Mum's in the kitchen, f*****g the chicken"
[ This Message was edited by: badassmam on 2009-04-15 14:40 ]
Posted by liam62244
ha ha ha thats funny
Posted by alexslane
On 2009-04-15 15:38:46, badassmam wrote:
Mum and Dad both have bad potty mouths. One day they are fighting and calling each other 'bastard' and 'bitch'. Their Son walks in and asks, "What does 'bastard' and 'bitch' mean?". Mum replies, "bastards and bitches are boys and girls".
Later that day, the post comes through the door and Dad goes to collect them. He sees some bills and says, "Shit!". His Son asks, "What does 'shit' mean?" and Dad replies, "Oh....it's another word for....doormat".
Dad gets on the phone to complain about the bills. "Stop pissing me off!", he says aggressively. "What is pissing?", his Son asks before getting the reply, "It means talking on the phone".
Seeing his Dad in a bad mood, the Son goes to the kitchen to find that Mum has dropped lunch on the floor followed by shouting, "f**k!". What does 'f**k' mean?", he asks innocenetly. "It means cook", she replies as she cleans up the mess.
Later that week, the family throws a big party. The doorbell rings so the Son opens the door as greets the many guests:
"Hello bastards and bitches, wipe your feet on the shit. Dad's upstairs pissing and Mum's in the kitchen, f*****g the chicken"
[ This Message was edited by: badassmam on 2009-04-15 14:40 ]
PMSL ha ha ha i like it !
Posted by ceaser2008
One day, MJ.... ( oh people cant you understand, Michael Jackson ) yeah, one day MJ pulled out his/her ( i am not sure ) child out of the window of his apartment. WHY? Why?? Why??
Because there was no water in the toilet
[ This Message was edited by: ceaser2008 on 2009-05-11 10:08 ]
Posted by firoz3321
ELEPHANT JOKES
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
==========================================
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==========================================
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
===========================================
Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A: First you bake a cake, and put 3 raisins on top, then you take it out in the jungle where the pink elephant will find it, and you wait. Eventually the elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the raisins and throws the cake away. Then you go home and bake another cake and put 2 raisins on top, take it out in the jungle where the elephant will find it. The elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the 2 raisins and throws the cake away. You go home and bake another cake and put only one raisin on it. Then you trek back into the jungle and put the cake where the pink elephant will find it. The elephant comes along eats the raisin, and throws that cake away. Now you go home and bake another cake, but (here's the sneaky part) you don't put any raisins on it. You take it out into the jungle where the elephant will find it and lie in wait. The pink elephant comes along and finds the cake, he gets SO mad that there aren't any raisins on it, he turns red, then you jump on him, strangle him until he turns blue......and you shoot him with a BLUE ELEPHANT GUN!!!
==========================================
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
A: Aw, come on, have you ever seen a yellow elephant !?!
Found These on Orkut sorry if they are already posted
Posted by Cycovision
^^^
I love weird jokes
Here's a little bit of advice for you:
..
..
..
..
..
"Advi "
Posted by nicv27
If you receive an email from the Department of Health warning you not to eat tinned Pork because of swine flu.
Ignore it, It`s just Spam
Posted by firoz3321
On 2009-06-08 19:35:30, nicv27 wrote:
If you receive an email from the Department of Health warning you not to eat tinned Pork because of swine flu.
Ignore it, It`s just Spam
Was that a joke ???
Posted by nicv27
Yes
Posted by erazer007
firoz,
SPAM here also refers to a food item (canned food) which is unavailable in India (Im an Indian) so if you knew that, it would be a joke.
Posted by firoz3321
Oh Sorry. I Didn't really knew it.
Posted by jayminmedina
Woman in Coma
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I guess she choked."
Posted by who_am_i
a little outdated perhaps.. yet a fitting satire
.
.
.
Bonus Payment For Generals
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring."
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
Haha that was pretty good.
Welcome to Esato mate.
Posted by lel0uch
What a corny joke.
Posted by occupied
camel
once in a while in guantanamo.
a: name?
b: ahmed ben abou ahmed.
a: sex?
b: sometimes male, sometimes female, sometimes camel.
---
sorry, didn't mean to be racist
Posted by bioyoussef
yesterday i'd a headache the next morning i went to the doctor than i discovered....i discovered....i discovered that.... i discovered that i can't finish this joke.!!!
This message was posted from a V220
Posted by blitzkrieg03
hahaha.. nice 0ne
Posted by brys182
whata joke...
nice try but i think its super corny!!!
Posted by blitzkrieg03
@bumbays
ds i n0t j0ke
d0 u n0w brad pits new m0vie?. . (ang huling ut0wt ng ig0r0wt )
this w0n at cannes festival,
@brys aningin naten
Posted by markphil
Ku ki ka
ka ka ku
kata ke
ko ku kika
ki kuka
ko kika
kuko kiku
kuki ka
Congrats! You
have
successfully
learned the
Monkey
language! come
and claim your
BANANA!
Posted by who_am_i
Widow going on first date after husbands death
A widow goes on her first date since her husband’s death, and afterward the two end up back at her place.
Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties.
“You can touch me anywhere else,” she says, “but down there I’m still mourning.”
“I figured as much,” says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to offer my deepest condolences.”
Posted by markphil
He he he
Posted by krazyd007
lmao lol