Posted by fatreg
what's the difference between a JCB and a giraffe?
One has hydraulics, the other has high bollo*ks...
Posted by fatreg
> > The scene is Bishoploch Primary School, Glasgow.
> >
> > Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to
> > have a general knowledge quiz.
> >
> > The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and
>
> > not come back to school until Tuesday.'
> >
> > Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general
> > knowledge, so I am. This is goannae be a doddle!'
> >
> > Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our
>
> > country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
> >
> > Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.
> >
> > Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front.
> >
> > 'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss, the
> > answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'
> >
> > Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and
> > we will see you back in class on Tuesday.'
> >
> > The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more
> determined.
> >
> > Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight
> > them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never
> > surrender?' Wee Murray's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board,
> > shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'.
> >
> > Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front:
> > 'Yes Tarquin.'
> >
> > Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer
> > is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'
> >
> > Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and
> > come back to class on Tuesday.'
> >
> > The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been
>
> > studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that
> comes.
> > He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation.
> >
> > Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for
> mankind?'
> > Wee Murray's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his
> > seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I
> > know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'.
> >
> > Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front.
> > 'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy
> > English accent):
> >
> > 'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.'
> >
> > Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and
> > come back into class on Tuesday.'
> >
> > Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his
> > chair at the wall. He starts screaming: 'WHERE THE F@&K DID ALL THESE
> > ENGLISH B@ST@RDS COME FROM?'
> >
> > Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said
> > that?' Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door,
> >
> > 'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn, 1314. See ye on Tuesday Miss!'
Posted by himlims_nl
very funny, keep 'm comming...
i'm through all 131 pages by now.
Posted by Lo-couk
Mr Darwin walks into the local police station after being missing for 5 years and said 'They can f**k off if they think i am ever going on holiday with the McCanns again'
Posted by Lo-couk
Imagine my surprise when getting out the christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces was a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.
Such a shame because it was a puppy.
Posted by Lo-couk
And you'll remember also the Irishman who got a job as a doorman in a big building. He managed very well with the PUSH and PULL signs, but he was seen struggling with his fingers under a door marked LIFT.
Posted by nicv27
http://fknblazed.com/movies/snow.htm
quite good
Posted by goldenface
Female Guinness Book Of Records
Car Parking:
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993.
She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
Incorrect Driving:
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987.
Dr. Thorn noticed a burning smell two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels.
This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering:
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins.
Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one.
To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre:
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991.
When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women.
The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing :
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits.
Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping:
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher.
After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles,a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit:
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party.
Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
Film Confusion:
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance.
This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".
Posted by sailaab
while on the subject of record making ladies.. i just dont know what to say !!! to this.... !
.
Woman's farts ground plane
.
A plane had to make an emergency landing - after a passenger struck a match to cover up the smell of her flatulence.
The American Airlines flight from Washington to Dallas, Texas, landed in Nashville when travellers smelled burning.
All 99 passengers and five crew were led off the aircraft and luggage was unloaded.
The plane was searched burnt matches were found under a seat, reports the Sun.
The woman, who lives near Dallas, admitted she struck the matches because she was embarrassed by the smell she was making.
The woman, who has not been named, was released without charge but was not allowed back on the jet.
.
.
.
.
source: http://www.ananova.com/news/s[....]108428.html?menu=news.quirkies
Posted by ROSAN
What a good jokes. Really love this thread.
Hmmm
But I need more. . .
Posted by Cycovision
Merry Christmas campers!
An Englishman and a Viking were sat on a train. The Viking takes a sip of lager, spits it out violently all over the woman in the seat in front of him and begins swearing profusely.
"What did he do that for?" cries the shocked woman to the Englishman.
"Oh sorry", said the Englishman. "It's just that my friend here, Ruud Olf the Red, loathes train beer..."
Posted by procterdc
Thank god that one can only be posted at christmas time lol
Posted by Cycovision
No, it's Ok! I can email it to you every now and then if you want
Posted by Lo-couk
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed......... ....... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
Posted by Lo-couk
Moses, Jesus and a very old man were out golfing one fine day.
Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.
Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.
The very old man drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was snatched up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, the fish fell from the sky onto the green, the ball bounced out of the fishes mouth, and the ball rolled into the hole.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate golfing with your dad."
Posted by Lo-couk
Hazel was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl.
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and
made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called
her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor told her, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Hazel was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
Posted by Lo-couk
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Posted by Lo-couk
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been paying attention? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
Posted by Lo-couk
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Tesco and standing inline at the check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch... why else would I buy dog food??
Posted by Lo-couk
Two snow men; one says to the other:
"can you smell carrots?"
Posted by Lo-couk
A blind man and his guide dog enter a pub and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy shouts to the barman,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The barman is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind guy says, 'Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Posted by w999ismine
what happened to this post, livin it up guys.
Posted by fatevdestiny
Old Man: " Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it' s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
" Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
" Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
" But ya f**k one goat . . . "
Posted by fatevdestiny
A man is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through the "Big Book" to see if he is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and
says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really
good in your life, but you never did anything bad, either. If you can
convince me of one REALLY good thing you think you did in your life,
you're in."
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time I
was driving down the road and saw this group of really scary hell's
angles torturing a poor girl.
"I slowed down, stopped, got out of my car, grabbed an iron bar out of
the boot, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang - a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his ear to his nose. As I approached him, the gang formed a circle around me.
"So, I ripped the chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the bar. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them. 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!' "
St. Peter was impressed and says, "Really? And when did this happen?"
"Oh, about three minutes ago."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married
again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel
chair.
with no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow
said.
"Just look at you... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on
you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled. "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in
bed ??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the
door bell, didn't I?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Several men are in the locker room at a Golf Club. A cell phone laying on the bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, its me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat and its only $1500. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: I also stopped buy the Mercedes dealership and found a new SL500 that I want."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$108,000"
Man: "OK, but for that price it better come with all the options."
Woman: "Great, Oh, and one more thing.... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: " Well, then go ahead and make them an offer of $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! Love you."
Man: "Bye, Love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Man: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the doctors the other day and he told me 'You're going to have to stop masturbating.'
'Why?' I said.
'Because I'm trying to examine you' he said...
Posted by nocky
ill leave a few jokes, well there not realy jokes there brain teasers. answers at bottom of post.
Q1. A man and his son have a serious accident in a car, the man dies at the scene, the boy is pulled out of the crushed car and rushed to hospital, the boy needs serious operations, Special Operations Medical Sergeant comes in and says i cant perform on this boy as it is my son.
who is the sergeant?
Q2. The captain of a big ship was telling this interesting story: "Once I saw two marines standing on the opposite sides of the ship. One was looking to the west and the other one to the east. And they saw each other very well."
How can that be possible?
Q3. 13 men came into a hotel with 12 rooms and everybody wanted his own room. The bellboy solved this problem.
He asked the thirteenth guest to wait a moment with the first guest in room number 1. So in the first room there were two people. The bellboy took the third guest to room number 2, the fourth to number 3, ... and the twelfth guest to room number 11. Then he returned to room number 1 and took the thirteenth guest to empty room number 12.
How can everybody have his own room?
Q4. Two girls are born to the same mother, on the same day, at the same time, in the same month and year and yet they're not twins. How can this be?
Q5. I am looking at somebody's photo. Who is it I am looking at, if I don't have any brothers or sisters and the father of that man on the photo is the son of my father?
A2. The marines were standing back to the edge of the ship so they were looking at each other. It does not matter where the ship is (of course it does not apply to the north and South Pole).
A3. Of course, it is impossible. Into the second room should have gone the 2nd guest, because the 13th guest was waiting in room number 1.
A4. The two babies are two of a set of triplets. (you now that 1 got you thinking lol)
A5. I am looking at my son.
Posted by mossie
at christmas i got the misses a bag and belt,
she wern't to happy, but at least the f**kin hoover works again now
Posted by Lo-couk
There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.
A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches I'd get it!"
A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!"
A hunter thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear"
A mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich!"
A cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse!"
Suddenly it all happened, the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water. The moral of this story is ...
"Every time time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet"
Posted by Lo-couk
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm sixteen!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're sixteen."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
Posted by Cycovision
On 2008-01-09 16:15:39, mossie wrote:
at christmas i got the misses a bag and belt,
she wern't to happy, but at least the f**kin hoover works again now
LMFAO!
That's a corker
Posted by not_me
love this :
3 Minute Meal - Tuna Melts
3 Minute Meal - Banana Split
[ This Message was edited by: not_me on 2008-01-10 12:49 ]
Posted by sailaab
@not_me.. the toppings of chopped/ bloody finger was grotesque haha..
would you happen to have a video of this-->>
_=_=_=_
Story Published: Dec 28, 2007 at 8:26 PM PST
By Associated Press
BREMERTON, Wash. (AP) - A 25-year-old woman was arrested for investigation of second-degree assault for getting into an argument with her boyfriend over whether his dog should be in the bathroom while the couple were taking a shower together.
A police report said the 26-year-old man wanted his dog to join them in the bathroom, but the woman objected on Thursday night.
She told him if the dog wouldn't stay out, she didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore. He replied that maybe his next girlfriend would appreciate the dog more, and called her a name.
The police report said the woman punched him in the face several times and the man dislocated his shoulder when the naked couple grappled. He told police his girlfriend threw a picture frame, which broke and cut him.
The woman was taken to the Kitsap County Jail in Port Orchard. Bail has been set at $50,000.
.
would have been interesting to watch *chuckles*
*nude fights in shower* 
Posted by *Jojo*
Why Microsoft...
At Bill Gate's wife's first press conference:
Reporter: \"How does it feel to have sex with the world's richest man?\"
BG's Wife: \"No big deal...The world know's why he named his company Microsoft!\"
Posted by jcwhite_uk
A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 108.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Posted by fatreg
A koala bear and a prostitute go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion.
"Oh God,that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs.
Then the prostitute says, "No, I need my money. I'm a prostitute and this is how I make a living."
The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the prostitute gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "prostitute." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads:
"PROSTITUTE: Person who has sex for money."
Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The prostitute reads:
"KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes and Leaves."
Posted by Nanu
The Panda did the same after dinner!!
As a Panda "Eats, Shoots and Leaves"
Posted by A L 3 X
On 2008-01-20 22:46:22, fatreg wrote:
A koala bear and a prostitute go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion.
"Oh God,that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs.
Then the prostitute says, "No, I need my money. I'm a prostitute and this is how I make a living."
The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the prostitute gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "prostitute." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads:
"PROSTITUTE: Person who has sex for money."
Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The prostitute reads:
"KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes and Leaves."
LOL
not quite getitng yours nanu...maybe i didnt read right?
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement….
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady ... "I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: "'$20 or off it comes!'"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's inthe other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
2. Kinky Sex(this ones probably more for the car enthusiasts.....Audi in particular
)
A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and
it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....
four-sprung Duck technique
[ This Message was edited by: A L 3 X on 2008-01-20 22:15 ]
Posted by procterdc
Gynaecologist's Assistant
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Sunderland and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh - yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions.
Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Oxford ."
"Oh why, is that where the job's based?"
"No - that's where the end of the queue is"
Posted by Lo-couk
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
Why are you stopping'? She whispered.
He whispered back, 'I found the remote'.
Posted by Lo-couk
I'll say sorry for this one before you start reading!
A woman goes into a restaurant. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Two guys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her.One drops his trousers and bends over and the other starts licking his butt.
The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The first guy pulls his trousers back up and says to the other "You're right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm."
Posted by Twometre
One time two kids were discing each other,
First kid: you are so stupid
Second kid: you too
First kid: you built a house with buscuits and it callapses when it sees ten cents
Second kid: you are so dumb such that you jump over an opened gate
First kid: you too, you bouight a padlock to lock out mosquitoes
Second kid: you fathers car on a seap hill shows some veins
First kid: you are so ugly
Second kid: better than you.
fIST KID: you are so ugly. after your mama gave birth to you your father came to see you and when he set eyes on you he said DAMN!!!!!!
Posted by Seanyb2
Why do Essex Girls wear knickers............to keep their ankles warm!
Posted by fatreg
1000 Scousers were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency, they said "NO" they were happy with the Giro!
Posted by methylated_spirit
Jim owned a small company that manufactured nails. One day he went out for a drink when he saw Bob - a guy he used to go to school with. They talk and discuss what each other is doing. Jim tells Bob that he owns a nail
manufacturing company called 'Jim's Nails' while Bob explains that he works for a advertising agency.
Bob says, "I tell you what, since we were friends at school I'll make you an advert for free" Jim protests but realises it's an opportunity he shouldn't refuse.
A few days later Bob phones him up to say that his finished advert will be on tonight, in the X-Files. Jim, all excited, gets a few beers in and sits down and waits. Eventually, the advert comes on. There on the screen is a picture of Jesus nailed to a cross with the caption 'USE JIM'S NAILS' written underneath in large letters.
Being a religious guy, Jim is outraged. He phones Bob up and asks what the hell he thinks he is doing. Bob apologises profusely and after much persuasion he
gets Jim to agree to let him do another advert to make it up to him.
Another few days later Jim receives a phone call telling him that the new advert will be on in between the Saturday Night Movie. Again, Jim sits down with a few beers and a couple of friends and waits.
The new adverts comes on ... Jesus is running through the desert with sweat pouring off his brow - he is obviously running for his life. The camera pans
out to reveal two Roman Guards about 100 yards behind Jesus chasing after him. The camera zooms in on the guards just as one says to the other, "I told you we should have used Jim's Nails"
Posted by goldenface
LMAO
Posted by Seanyb2
What does a gay priest say? Ah Men.
Posted by 4GL PSETOMAN
who plums you
Posted by nicv27
Three little ducks go into a bar...
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great .. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
Posted by nicv27
A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old arse?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied.
Posted by dougproctor
Two women knocked at my door, asking me what type of bread I ate. When I said white, they lectured me on the benefits of brown bread.
Damn Hovis Witnesses!!!!!!!
Posted by Susana
Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed men proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."