Posted by deluded
Great jokes! Keep them coming!
Two women had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided
to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them
thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to
a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to
wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop.
I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck between the crack of her butt that said "From all of us at the
Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
Posted by goldenface
A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeeper. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeeper give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well.
The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man
hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here.
Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin
and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeeper another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us.
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeeper answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business.
The barkeeper responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.
_________________
I
my W900i[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 16:39 ]
Posted by Evilchap
Heres some amusing Chuck Norris jokes:
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly until his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly thereafter all three died
of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.
Posted by Winger
Some more Chuck Norris jokes:
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Posted by Evilchap
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's
no glitch."
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris
Everything tastes like chicken because its Chuck Norris' favorite food
Chuck Norris isn't attracted to the Earth by gravity; the earth is
gravitationally attracted to him
Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after
an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.
Posted by bl3ach
a blonde went to the local electronic store and asked the sales "can i buy that TV?" the sales repied "i dont sell things to dumb blondes" so the next day the chick dyed her hair red and went back to the store "can i buy that TV?" once again the sales repied the same " i dont seel things to dumb blondes" the third day she dyed her hair black and went back to the store and asked for the tv again, yet the sales repied the same thing..so the chick was so pissed that he went up to the sales and shouted "why wont you sell that tv to blondes?"
The sales answered "i dont sell things to dumb blondes, because thats a marcowave and not a TV!" XD
(^^,)
Bleach~
Posted by Danny_BFC
| Quote: | |||
| |||
I didn't get tht at all. Would someone like to explain??
Posted by Winger
| Quote: | ||||||
| ||||||
The wife thought the person fixing the car was her husband, but it was actually the mechanic and he got such a shock that he sat up and banged his head.
Posted by bl3ach
"mummy mummy i dont want to go oversea anymore!"
"shut up and keep swimming!"
xD
Posted by raZr
Tarzan was naked. All animals began laughing. Tarzan asked them- Y r u all laughing? Animals said- U r da 1st animal wit a tail in da front.
Posted by sailaab
Ok maybe its an old repeat.. but then I sooo love everthin about Dubya
you know ...
The president got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby hog under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Nice pigs, sir".
The president replied, "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback hogs. I got one for Jenna and I got one for Barbara."
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted,
and replied, "Nice trade, sir."
)
Posted by goldenface
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous redhead eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replied....
.......... just the ones that catch my eye!"
_______________________________________________________
A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed his instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that glass eye staring right back at him!
"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2007-02-09 14:45 ]
Posted by sailaab
Anyone got/ heard/ saw- SMS texts or variants of this
? Hillary Clinton at a rally, with shaved nether regions and NO panties ON.. message is simple- read my LIPS, this time no BUSH !!
Posted by goldenface
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that is has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails", "highballs" and
just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."
_________________
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket, can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with t*ts like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2007-02-13 16:07 ]
Posted by goldenface
A pathetic guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for
half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next
to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor
little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck
driver."
I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man
crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between
sobs. "I can't do anything right... I overslept and was late to
an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the
parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance.
I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my
wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with
the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage
to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the
poison...
Posted by goldenface
A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a
head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell
only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to
see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man
standingright behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman
has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the
way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like
people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey
players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Posted by sailaab
nice...
thou d last onez a oldie but goldie
Posted by fatreg
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel
Posted by Burgaz
Nice one reggie!
Posted by himlims_nl
On 2007-02-13 17:16:18, goldenface wrote:
A pathetic guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for
half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next
to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor
little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck
driver."
I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man
crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between
sobs. "I can't do anything right... I overslept and was late to
an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the
parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance.
I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my
wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with
the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage
to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the
poison...
hahahah you made my day start with a laugh
thanks
Posted by antichrist
jesus came to earth and met a man with long haird, unshaved, dirty cloths.he approached the man:
jesus:hi, i'm new here, can you show me the surrounding?
man: of course, come along
after some walking the man take out a bottle of water from his bag and drinks.
jesus: can i have some of that... i'm new here and i want some
man: here, take some
as they were walking, the man take out from his bag a sandwich.
jesus:can i have some of that? ....you know, i'm new here and i want to learn something...
man:if you want some....
the to guys finally arrived at the man's camp where everybody were drinking and smoking weed. the man took a cigar and started to smoke.
jesus: can i have some of that? you know i'm new here ....
man:dude, i can't let you have this because is very strong
j: now you made me very curious. can i have some?
m:you need some practice before smoking this shit.
j:then it's time for a first
m:ok, take one, but be careful
after both men smoked, jesus went to bed.
the next morning jesus approached the man
j:you know,you have been very kind with me and you deserve something; now i must say who i am: i'm Jesus
m:dude, i told you that shit is strong
Posted by fatreg
whats a shitzu?
a zoo with no animals!
Posted by deluded
Haha... That's a good one, short and sweet. Here's one, not sure if it's been posted before.
A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."
Posted by methylated_spirit
Whats 3 feet long and hates sex?
The boy in my cupboard
Posted by oneofthose
On 2007-03-27 20:08:43, methylated_spirit wrote:
Whats 3 feet long and hates sex?
The boy in my cupboard
Posted by goldenface
On 2007-03-27 20:08:43, methylated_spirit wrote:
Whats 3 feet long and hates sex?
The boy in my cupboard
Thats sick!
Posted by deluded
Haha... good one meths!
Posted by methylated_spirit
Whats blue and f*cks your gran?
Hypothermia
Posted by paul101
PRODUCT WARNINGS
Dumb and Funny Warning Labels On Products
Liquid Plummer
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.
Windex
Do not spray in eyes.
Bowl Fresh
Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.
Toilet Plunger
Caution: Do not use near power lines.
Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter
Safe to use around pets.
Endust Duster
This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.
Baby Oil
Keep out of reach of children
Little Ones Baby Lotion
Keep away from children
Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.
Wet-Nap
Directions: Tear open packet and use.
Dial Soap
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Stridex Foaming Face Wash
May contain foam.
Hairdryer:
Do not use while taking a shower.
Old Spice Red Zone Deoderant
Use only on underarms.
Zantac 75
Do not take if allergic to zantac.
Sleeping Pills
Warning: May cause Drowsiness
Christmas Lights
Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.
Bic Lighter
Ignite lighter away from face.
Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark
Fire Extinguisher:
Caution: Non-Flamable
Earplugs
These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe
Mattress
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow
Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire.
Pepper Spray
Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.
Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor
Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.
Fix-a-Flat
WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.
Rain Gauge
Suitable for outdoor use.
RCA Television Remote Control
Not Dishwasher Safe
Pine Mountain Fire Logs
Caution: Risk of fire
Triops Fish Food
Warning: Not for human consumption
Home Depot Treated Lumber
Do not consume
Hair Dryer
Warning: Do not use while sleeping.
Road Sign
Caution water on road during rain.
Camera
This camera will only work when film is inside.
Road Sign
Cemetery Road. Dead End
Church Parking Lot Sign
Thou shalt not park
Children's Superman Costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Silk Soy Milk
Shake well and buy often
Air Conditioner
Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.
Rowenta Iron
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.
Slush Puppy Cup
This ice may be cold
American Airlines Peanuts
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Nabisco Easy Cheese
For best results, remove cap.
Swanson TV Dinners
This product must be cooked before eating.
Hershey's Almond Bar
Warning: May contain traces of nuts
Heinz Ketchup
Instructions: Put on food
500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.
Beach Ball
CAUTION: It is not a life saving device.
Chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.
Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
Bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
Packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
String of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you
New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.
Blanket from taiwan:
not to be used as protection from a tornado
Cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.
Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.
Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.
Disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.
Bottle of shampoo for dogs
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.
Curling Iron
Warning: This product can burn eyes.
Hair Dryer
Do not use in shower.
Hair Dryer
Do not use while sleeping.
Hand-held Massaging Device
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.
Case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.
A toilet at a public sports facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.
Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
Container of Underarm Deodorant.
Caution: Do not spray in eyes.
Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter.
Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.
Toner cartridge for a laser printer
Do not eat toner.
13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow
Not intended for highway use.
Can of self-defense pepper spray.
May irritate eyes.
Novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock"
Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.
A frisbee
Warning: May contain small parts.
A toilet bowl cleaning brush.
Do not use orally.
A birthday card for a 1 year old.
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.
Heated seat cushion
Warning: Do not use on eyes.
Microwave Oven:
Do not use for drying pets.
Electric Cattle Prod
For use on animals only.
Can of air freshener.
For use by trained personnel only.
Silly Putty
Do not use as ear plugs.
Knife sharpening stone
Warning: knives are sharp!
Deodorant
Do not use intimately.
Rat Poison
Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.
Portable stroller
Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.
Dashboard of a mail truck
Look before driving.
Children's cough medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Sign at a railroad station
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
Bottom of a supermarket dessert box
Do not turn upside down.
Package of dice.
Not for human consumption.
Bottled Drink:
Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.
Shipment of hammers
May be harmful if swallowed.
Manual for an SGI computer.
Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.
Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle
Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.
Electric Thermometer.
Do not use orally after using rectally.
Packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
Turn off motor before using this product.
6x10 inch inflatable picture frame
Not to be used as a personal flotation device.
Box of bottle rockets
Do not put in mouth.
Wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack
Remove plastic before eating.
Box for a car jack
For lifting purposes only.
Instructions for a cordless phone:
Do not put lit candles on phone.
Small print from car commercial which shows a car in the ocean
Do not drive cars in ocean.
Small print from a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert
Always drive on roads. Not on people.
Bus Stop
No stopping or standing.
Church Sign
These rows reserved for parents with children.
Bag of Fritos
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Credit card statement.
Payment is due by the due date.
Laundromat triple washer
No small children.
Sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building
Take care: new non-slip surface.
Box of Pills
Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone.
Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.
Can of black pepper.
Instructions: usage known.
Bag of cat biscuits
Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants.
Car Manual
In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.
Espresso Kettle
The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position.
T.V. manual
Do not pour liquids into your television set.
Label on a hammer
Caution - Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object
VCR box
Instructional video on hooking up VCR included.
Toilet brush
Do not use for personal hygiene.
Black rubber fishing worm
Not for human consumption.
Orange Juice Can:
100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate.
Depend Adult Diapers
Step into underwear and pull them on just like regular underwear.
Furniture Wipes
Do not use for a baby wipe.
Stickers to put on the seat of a potty training toilet
This is not a toy. Stickers require adult supervision.
Lawnmower
Warning: When Motor Is Running - The Blade Is Turning
Instructions on the bottom of a grocery store pizza
Do not turn upside down.
Bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle
Do not open here.
Bottle of bathtub cleaner
For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.
Container of lighter fluid
WARNING: Contents flammable!
Box of household nails
CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!
Microwave popcorn, packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it
Direction #1: Remove plastic.
Drink bottle label
Do not peel label off.
Woolite carpet cleaner
Safe for carpets, too!
Box of Frosted Cheerio's
The logo, "Tastes so good this box never closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place tab here."
Sterno
Do not use near fire or flame.
Container of salt
Warning: High in sodium
Hose Nozzle
Do not spray into electrical outlet.
Posted by paul101
^^^^^^tell me what u think^^^^^^
Posted by mobilejoker
I got this from my favourite joke site - Free Funny Jokes
The following are apparently actual medical records taken from patients' charts around North America:
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The patient refused an autopsy.
- The patient has no past history of suicides.
- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
- Male patient insists that his HIV was inherited, and not from sexual activity.
- Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
- Discharge status: Alive, but without permission.
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
Posted by goldenface
Some of them were quite funny.
Posted by sailaab
On 2007-03-27 20:08:43, methylated_spirit wrote:
Whats 3 feet long and hates sex?
The boy in my cupboard
On what page of Michael Jackson's autobiography is dat from Meth
?
Posted by fatreg
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot.
Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot.
After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
Posted by paul101
That little office assistant just keeps getting smarter
_________________
Dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do... annoying isnt it??
[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-05-20 15:22 ]
Posted by sailaab
http://cummingthefragrance.co[....]ode=CTF&Product_Code=ctf_clean
Got THIS somewhere !!=>
an email from sick piece Alan Cumming with his fun new line of merch:
Hi everyone! It's Alan!
I'm writing to tell you more about the first of our new range of Cumming products - Cumming clean, the body cleanser! I've enjoyed CUMMING in the shower so much I've decided to let everyone have a go! But there's more to it than you think. This isn't your average body cleanser. First of all, did you know that traditional body cleansers use thickening ingredients to give you lather but they also really dry out your skin? Well, we've formulated a cleanser- with glycerin- that lathers only slightly leaving your skin soft, clean and retaining its own natural moisture as well as a hint of Cumming the fragrance. And it's concentrated - you only need to use a little to keep CUMMING for a very long time.
Manly, moist and malleable. What could be better? Well, bigger, of course! Duh!
And you don't get much bigger than our 8", 12 fluid ounce bottle. Oh yeah baby. The best part of the package is the box - the inside of which is covered in pictures of me in various homages to fragrance ads of yesteryear. What are you waiting for?
Check out Cumming clean and our other products at
www.cummingthefragrance.com
Peace!
Love from Alan xxx
Posted by masseur
sent to me from my mum... I normally send 'em back but... this is one of her best!
20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Waste Bin On Your Desk And Label It "In"
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. On The Stubs Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8 . Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out Of The Cash Point, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Car Park, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called . therapy
Posted by goldenface
Very good, very good! Cheered me up.
Posted by paul101
Sign at golf club:
any preson (exept players) caught collecting golf balls will be prosecuted and have their balls removed
Posted by paul101
The fish is already laughing
i have hundruds more
_________________
Dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do... annoying isnt it??
[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-05-24 13:11 ]
[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-05-24 13:21 ]
Posted by fatreg
I had a car accident the other day, it was my fault, I bumped into the back of another car, when the driver got out I felt even worse, he was only a 3 foot midget, he stormed up to me and shouted "I'm not happy!"
I replied, "which one are you then?"
Posted by goldenface
LMAO
Posted by fatreg
the last picture taken on the titanic...
Posted by fatreg
While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and
sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns
and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"
Posted by deluded
Haha... Great jokes, keep them coming!
Posted by fatreg
One day Joe and Mary are walking through the park, Mary tells Joe that she needs to pee and she cant wait any longer, So Joe being the perfect gentleman finds Mary a bush were she can take care of buisness.
Joe stands by the bush watching out for anyone coming there way. Whilst Joe is standing there he hears Mary taking her knickers down and becomes vey horny, So Joe bends down and puts his hand in the bush to give Mary a little tickle, but Joe feels somethig hanging down "hay Mary have u changed sex" ? Joe asks, No Mary replies I ve changed my mind im having a shit........
Posted by crossmatched
a lady in the bar approached the bar man and put her fingers into his mouth.
the bar man hungrily and lustily licked the lady's fingers.
the lady told the man: "tell your manager you ran out of tissues in the comfort room"...
Posted by himlims_nl
please show us some more.
best entertainment at work
Posted by antichrist
john missed 4 days from school. on the fifth day, the teacher asks :"john, where have you been last 4 days?"
john:"well, my grandfather died"
t:"oh, i'm sorry to hear that... what happened to him?"
j:"well, the train ran over his finger"
t:"but it's hard to die if you lose a finger... there are so many people without a finger...."
j:"yes, but he was scratching his nose"
Posted by raZr
Prime minister Obama Baraka from a vry backwrd African country visits USA. On his visit, he is very impressd to see how much technology has progressed in US.
he gets a nature's call and gets in Georg Bsh's laterine to pee. he does the job but finds no tap or bucket to wash it off.
he shouts frm inside "Bsh, hw shud i wash my ass?" Bsh replies "jst press the red button"
Obama finds the red button and presses it. as soon as he presses it, two hands get out frm d pot, get to his ass and wash it clean.
Obama, very impressed by this tech says "I'll hav it in my country too"
Few yrs l8r, G. Bsh visits Obama's country. on his visit, G. bsh gets a nature's call. he gets in Obama's laterine to pee. he does the job but finds no tap or bucket to wash it off.
he shouts frm inside "Mr. Obama, hw shud i wash my ass?" Obama replies "jst press the red button"
Bsh finds the red button and presses it. as soon as he presses it, two hands get out frm d pot, get to his ass and wash it clean.
Grg Bsh then gets out of the laterine and finds Mr. Obama washing his hands............