Posted by Jake Blues
Y did the chicken cross the road? 2 get 2 the shop...
Do u fink thats funny?
Nah neither did the chicken coz it was shut!
Posted by goldenface
What do you call a man who has been in the ground for a thousand years?
_________________
Pete.
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2005-06-08 22:14 ]
Posted by mrao
After a long night of hot and heavy love making, he notices a photo of another man on her bedside table. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers, planting a big, juicy kiss square on his mouth.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"Silly! That's me before the surgery."
Posted by mustafabay
Might as well participate in this thread
This is a bricklayer’s accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the worker’s Compensation Board.
This is a true story…..
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Section 3 of the accident report form. I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some brick’s left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the brick’s down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at the ground I went up to the roof swung the barrel out and loaded the brick’s into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the bricks.
You will note in section 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley, Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me down to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain and unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and I let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kind Regards,
Mike Pashby
Posted by Glenny
i dont get it.....
a man walks into a bar......ouch
classic
Posted by mrao
A housewife takes a lover during the day,while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son washiding in the closet. Her husband camehome unexpectedly, so she hid her loverin the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens againthat the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to theboy, "Grab your bat and your
glove. Let's go outside and play somebaseball." The boy says, "I
can't. I sold them." The father asks, "Howmuch did you sell them
for?" The son says, "$1,000." The fathersays, "That's terrible to
overcharge your friends like that. That isway more than those two
things cost. I'm going to take you tochurch and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alertsthe priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth andcloses the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shitagain" .
Posted by Qoastro
Good one mrao!
Posted by Glenny
worst kinda jokes are ones that take hours to tell, then the punch line is ..... yes...
Posted by jenbones
There was an English man, scottish man Irish man all in a bar talking together about problems they are having with their teenage daughters
the english man said, " i found a box of fags in my daughters room...i never knew she smoked"
the scottish man said," i found ecstacy tablets in my daughters flat, i never knew she was taking it!!"
the IRISH man said," i found a packet of condoms in my daughters flat...
...
...
...
...i never knew she had a dick!!"
Posted by mrao
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues,"he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes,in which you can do anything you want."And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes,from which shortly emerged a good dealof giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes,"said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head.".
Posted by mustafabay
The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form GCSE Exams last year. These are genuine responses from 16 year olds.
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. {do dishes}
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.
Posted by shithappens
nice to see some new blood here....keep it up mates.....alwiz good to haf a hearty laugh on a monday morn.....
Posted by mrao
Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, "Welcome Mr.
Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity.
You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've
got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three
places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are
tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where
thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine
sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of
all?!?"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "But the bottle has a hole
in it!"
"Why the PC?", he continued, ""It's got the latest version of Windows and
it's missing three keys!"
"Which three?" said Lucifer.
"Control, Alt and Delete!"
Posted by mrao
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer . .. ..somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.
You have two options -- you can save the life of G.W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :
Would you use high contrast color film or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
_________________
T28s T105 T610 K700i P800 P900 [ This Message was edited by: mrao on 2005-06-14 15:03 ]
Posted by Glenny
, why do you h8 george so much? i aint american so i dunno 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."
_________________
This message was posted from a message poster
[ This Message was edited by: Glenny on 2005-06-14 16:09 ]
Posted by mrao
Neither am I
Nevertheless, thought it was funny
Posted by goldenface
@mustafabay Thanks, that really tickled me.
Posted by mustafabay
I'm happy it tickled you
Posted by mrao
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."
"Bull****! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?".."Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?" .
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey,
Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night"
Posted by shithappens
Posted by Bjerkebanen
funny
Posted by mustafabay
Metaphorically speaking....
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m.at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Posted by Bjerkebanen
This plastic bag is white and ugly and is bad for the envoierment and kids can choke on it! Its bad!
Hmm sir that is no plastic bag that is Michael Jackson!
Posted by Qoastro
A confused 9-year-old asked his mother:
"Mum, is God a man or a woman?"
Suprised by the question the mother answered:
"God is a bit of both."
That made the boy even more confused and said:
"Is God black or white?"
His mother answered:
"God is a bit of both, dear."
The boy looked puzzled and then asked:
"Mum, is God homosexual or straight?"
Once again the mother answered:
"God is a bit of both."
Then the boy asked:
"Mum, is God Michael Jackson?"
*Curtain*
Qoa
Posted by amd1129
Lol
Posted by Qoastro
That wasn't in it's full glory since I read it in Swedish ONCE, then tried to remember and translate it... But it came out alright.
Posted by Bjerkebanen
Mr Nidar was walking just a little bit of chilling down on the beach. All of the sudden he spots a really nice shell. So he says out loud That is a really nice shell!! In fact its so beeutifull im going to shagg it! So Mr Nidar picks up the shell and puts his penis into it and starts his charming shagging motions! So afte a wile the deed is done and he pulls his penis out of the shell and he finds a little snail laying on his penis. He shouts: Hey get off you! I kill you if you werent my son!!
_________________
Life is all about Lumpaland!!
WWW.LUMPALAND.CO.UK
and
WWW.ENGLISH-TEA.CO.UK
[ This Message was edited by: Bjerkebanen on 2005-06-21 11:51 ]
Posted by mrao
The Rooster and the Farmer
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, time for you to
retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me." The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed
up, and I'm taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. Just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds
later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse, and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on
the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit... third gay rooster I bought this month!"
Moral of this story: Don't mess with us old
folks......Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Posted by jenbones
Blonde has a puzzle to fit together while her husband is out, she rings him up and says...
"i dont know what goes where" she asked
"look at the box it'll show you there" he replied
"OK bye!!"
*hangs up*
blonde sees a rooster on the front of the box, and gets down to work...
when her husband arrives home he says...
" put the cornflakes away "
Posted by jenbones
Here's another,
blonde goes to primary school comes back and says, mummy i can count higher than everybody in out class.
Her mum says well done
*next day*
mummy i can do the alphebet faster than everybody in the WHOLE school
Well done, her mum says
*next day*
comes home and says, mum i have bigger breasts than evrybody at school,
her mum replies
" you should do love...you're 23"
Posted by mrao
heres a good one
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits UP and sees his clothing laid out next to him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind . You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Last night, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to pull your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'"
Broken furniture - $185.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........PRICELESS!
Posted by gr3gg0
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how
the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume
of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Sarah during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell
has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls
and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Sarah kept
shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Posted by mrao
Posted by mrao
John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
Posted by mrao
A stranger was seated next to LittleJohnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said,"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger."How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you aquestion first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is so?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Posted by mrao
. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
Posted by mustafabay
Does the expression, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells?
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That is an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay!
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Now the twist to the story...
There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds.
When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokolat their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
Posted by Uncle Bob
The Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £10. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £5. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jasus, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
Posted by Cycovision
I like that one
Posted by mrao
Posted by Uncle Bob
Two guys walk into a bar, and they both have black eyes. "How did you get your black eye?" asks the first guy.
"Well, it was really a Freudian slip. You see, I was walking through the park one day when I saw a woman with three beautiful children. I walked up to her to compliment her children, but when I tried to say, 'You have some lovely kiddies,' I accidentally said, 'You have some lovely titties. So she slapped me, and gave me this black eye. How about you, how did you get your black eye?"
"Well, I too had a Freudian slip. I was sitting down to breakfast with my wife of thirty-two years, and I tried to say, 'Would you please pass the Cornflakes?' but instead I said, 'You ruined my life you f***ing bitch.'"
_________________
Brevior saltare cum deformibus mulieribus est vita
[ This Message was edited by: Uncle Bob on 2005-07-05 15:59 ]
Posted by mrao
Computer funnies
MEMO
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
Offline:
Posted by whizkidd
Tourist to travel agent: "If the world keeps getting smaller, why do airline tickets cost more and more?"
Posted by mrao
No offense meant towards any nationality here...just another joke
A Mexican drinks his Tequila and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces while it is still in the air. He says "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice. Viva Mexico!"
An Iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks his camel beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK 47 and shoots the glass to pieces while it is still in the air. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either!
Praise Allah!"
A US Marine, cool as a cucumber, picks up his Budweiser and drinks it, throws his bottle into the air, pulls out his M-9 Beretta and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. He says "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice
Posted by kk.226
That's a funny one, i heard it before.
Aite here's one, the word "Chav" has replaced another, otherwise it would just be plain racist!
Q:What do you call a Chav on the moon?
A:Problem.
Q:What do you call 10 Chavs on the moon?
A:Problem.
Q:What do you call 100 Chavs on the moon?
A:Problem.
Q:What do you call 1,000 Chavs on the moon?
A:Problem.
Q:What do you call ALL the Chavs on the moon?
A:Problem Solved!
Posted by Evil Eye
Why do nuns dont wear bra?
Bcoz God supports everthing...
Posted by Glenny
@kk- god bless you, my friend, we share the same dream
Posted by njoy29
As Bill headed out to work his fields, he told his new, blonde, city-girl wife, "The artificial insemination man is coming by today to impregnate one of our cows today. Can you show him where it is?" "How will I know which cow?" asked Amy. "They all look alike." "Oh, I drove a nail above the cow's stall. You'll see it," he said, leaving the house. Later, when the artificial insemination man arrived, Amy walked him down the long row of cows until she saw the nail and said, "This is the cow right here!"
Impressed, the man asked, "How did you know this is the right cow?" "By the nail over its stall." He looked puzzled. "What's the nail for?"
As she walked away, she flipped her long blonde hair and replied, "I guess it's to hang up your pants!"
Posted by mustafabay
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy this?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Posted by goldenface
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LMAO. Very funny.