Posted by WooT_BanGer
Michael Jackson ey??
lol.
Q: What does Michael Jackson and Santa Clause have in common??
A: They both leave children's room's with empty sacks...
Q: How does Michael Jacksonpick his nose?
A: Out of a catalogue.
Apparently MIchael Jackson thought that "Boys 2 Men" was a delivery service...
Posted by shithappens
Posted by WooT_BanGer
huhuhuhu
dont get me started...
Man walks into a bar with a bit of bitchumen under his arm. He walks straight up to counter, looks at the barmaid, and says...
"Beer thanks. And one for the road..."
Posted by gelfen
Q: why does michael jackson like twenty-eight-year-olds?
A: becasue there's twenty of them.
Posted by blackspot
Why do you guys make fun of him? aaaaw! heee, heee!
Here's the evolution theory according to Darwin.
Posted by Rookwise
100 Ways to Order a Pizza
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
Posted by shithappens
Posted by harvey172
theyre cracker m8.
Posted by k4m!k4ze
Bad Day ?
Posted by Rookwise
Lmao
Posted by Bjerkebanen
Here is a funny one! Funnny because its true!
When americans go to Macy D what do they say when they ask for chips?
Answer: Freedom fries.
Posted by neiluk
michael jackson gets jail ,but for good behavoir the warden asks him if he wanted to watch a video, that would be great says michael,wat do u want says the warden, could you send me a-lad-in
Posted by k4m!k4ze
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
_________________
If you're in a vehicle going at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights ?
[ This Message was edited by: k4m!k4ze on 2005-04-10 17:46 ]
Posted by Jake Blues
an old man walks into a brothel.
the madam asks"how old ru?"
he replies "90"
she says "90! dont u know you've had it?"
"have i?"asks the old man "how much do i owe u?"
3 ducks walk in2 a bar. 1 says "im huey ive been in and out of puddles all day." 2nd says "im duey ive been in and out of puddles all day" barman says 2 the 3rd " u must b luey"
3rd one says "no, im puddles"
Posted by max99
@nature i like the 1st one lol , made me laugh
Posted by ukbilly1
Woman - Goes into the doctors and says,
Doctor, whenever i take my pants down, my
fanny starts singing " show me the way to Amarillo"
Doc says- Don't wory love, every C**ts singing it..!
Posted by hotcha
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
Posted by mobikid
Posted by illusionkk2
What's For Supper
------------------
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.
He decides to serve venison for supper.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is -- so he does not tell them.
His little boy, Joey, keeps asking him, "What's for supper?"
"You'll see," says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"OK," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me."
"Joey! Quick, spit it out! We're eating a**hole!" she screams.
Posted by k4m!k4ze
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go." Johnny was MAD.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go." Johnny was even MADDER than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go." Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut." The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
Posted by haynesycop
on bill gate's wedding night his wife finally discovered why he called his company MICROSOFT
Posted by Davo_169
tee hee hee
Posted by haynesycop
hilarious signs
over a gynecologists office "dr jones" at your cervix
Posted by Davo_169
stupid signs at the airport
"this door should be remained closed at all times"
i would have thought it'd be easier to put a wall there
"warning: this door opens without warning"
HUH??
Posted by k4m!k4ze
A man gets lost in the forest and is captured by a barbaric tribe. They tie him up and the chief says - "Death or Unga-Bunga ?" Not wishing to die, he says "Unga-Bunga"... immediately 10 towering muscled men sodomize him, The next day given the same choices and still not wishing to die, he says "unga-bunga" again, this time half the tribe make him take it in the back.
Tired and full of pain, he decides death is better than this punishment, so the next day, when given the choice, he says "Death", the chief slowly turns to his tribe and yells "DEATH BY UNGA-BUNGA"
Posted by Oogamous
Hope i can type out this joke in my first shot, without editing it..
One fine morning a guy wakes up and goes out for a stroll in his backyard, only to find a Big Gorilla sitting right in the middle of his backyard! The gorilla, equally scared on seeing the guy, quickly climbs up onto the tall tree in the backyard.
This guy is in a state of shock, wondering how to get rid of the gorilla up in his tree. So he looks up in the Yellow pages and finds an entry under "Gorilla Removal Service". Without wasting time, he promptly calls up the phone number...
Guy: Help, i'm calling from 32nd avenue street, please send someone over quick, there's a gorilla in my tree!
Person at the service: Sure sir, we will send a gorilla removal expert as soon as possible. Till then stay away from the gorilla and it shouldn't harm you.
Sure enough within 15 minutes a van from the gorilla removal service arrived and the expert stepped out. The guy showed the expert the tree in which the gorilla was hiding. The expert coolly took out the following tools from his bag.
1) A Long Pole
2) Handcuffs
3) A Tiny Dog.
4) A Shotgun
The expert tells the guy that he would require his help for the plan and lays it down as follows:
"I will Climb up onto the tree, and using this long pole i'll constantly poke the gorilla. The Gorilla will lose his balance and fall on the ground. As soon as it hits the ground, this Dog is so trained that it will launch an attack right at the genitals of the gorilla. The gorilla, would instinctively cover his privates with his hands as soon as he sees the dog approaching, and at that very instant you take advantage and slap the handcuffs on the gorilla."
The man, ponders over the plan, impressed by it's apparent simplicity. Then he looks over at the shotgun, and asks the expert - What's that for then? Doesn't that fit into the plan?
The expert replies: "Oh yeah, if i happen to fall down before the gorilla does, please shoot the damn dog!"
Posted by Oogamous
One day in the 1st grade, Little Susie stands up in class and says, "Teacher, may i ask you a question?"
The Teacher says, "Of course Susie, go ahead"
Susie asks, "Teacher can my mother get pregnant?" The teacher wonders now why would she ask such a quesion but nevertheless replies, "Susie, how old is your mother?"
Susie: "She's 35 years old"
Teacher: "Of course she can get pregnant Susie."
Susie sits down and the teacher resumes teaching her class.
After 5 min susie gets up again and asks, "Teacher Can i ask you another question?"
Teacher: "Sure Susie"
Susie: "Teacher, can my elder sister get pregnant?"
Teacher: "How old is she?"
Susie: "She is 18 years old"
Eager to satisfy this small girl's innocent curiosity, the teacher gladly replies, "Yes Susie, your sister can get pregnant"
After a while Susie yet again stands up and asks, "Teacher, one last question, Can i get pregnant?"
The teacher, though slightly taken aback, maintains her cool and asks susie "How old are you dear?"
Susie replies "Teacher I'm 6 years old"
The teacher replies, "No, Susie dear, you cannot get pregnant dear."
Susie then says "Thank you teacher" and sits down while the teacher resumes her class..
As soon as she sits down, Little Johnny leans over and whispers in her ear, "See, i TOLD you nothing would happen".
Posted by whizkidd
I once had one 2 one with a VIRGIN, she teased me till i had an ERICSSON, sucked me till my face went ORANGE, till i busted my SIEMEN all over her NOKIAS!!
Posted by Jake Blues
Dawn French has been arrested 4 possesion of hard drugs, she went through customs with no knickers on... Fell over & exposed 40 lbs of crack.
Posted by Rocky B.
@ nature:
Ughhhh ... bad images.
Posted by blackspot
Host: Ladies and Gentlemen we are glad to have with us tonight one of the richest man in Spain, Senyor Miguel Dela Montana.
APPLAUSE!!!
Host: Sir, what does a rich man like you do in a typical day after breakfast?
Guest: I lie on my veranda.
Host: Sounds very relaxing... How about after lunch?
Guest: I lie on my veranda.
Host: Really?! What about after supper?
Guest: I lie on my veranda.
Host: Don't you also spend time with your wife?
Guest: Senyor, Veranda is my wife.
Posted by axxxr
"We don't even know if Osama is still alive?
Osama decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting
to let him know he was still afoot.Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and e-mailed it to the CIA.No
one there could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service.
Eventually, they asked Canada's RCMP for help. The Canadian RCMP cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."
Posted by Rocky B.
Now i could see bush doing that. But Billy bob BinLaden speaking leet? Somehow I don't a think so.
Lol anyhow
Posted by mrao
An arab filling out a job application..
Question..Sex: male or female
Answer: 6 times a week..doesnt matter if its male or female..sometimes even camel
Posted by Jake Blues
jacksons just got 10 years.
the judge says hes lucky, if he was black he would have got 20.
Posted by leary_donna
THAT WAS A GOOD JOKE
Posted by mrao
Adam & Eve had the perfect marriage...
Adam didnt have to worry about a nagging mother-in-law...and Eve didnt have to worry about the women in Adams life before marriage
Posted by blackspot
that reminds of this:
Woman: You don't mind if I have a dark past?
Man: Not at all. I don't have a bright future anyway.
Posted by Oogamous
Q) What do you get when you cross a French General and a Landmine?
A) Napoleon Blownaparte
Posted by Oogamous
One day, a man walked into a bar. He say's to the bartender, "If I
show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me five
free beers?"
The bartender says, "Show me this amazing thing first."
So the man takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano.
The 10 inch man starts playing the piano.
The bartender scratches his head and says, "Wow, that is amazing.
Here are your five beers. How did you do that?"
"There is a magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and will
grant you one wish."
So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. Then the
genie comes out and says "I am the genie of this lamp. I will grant
one wish. Choose carefully."
"I want 10,000,000 bucks." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000
ducks came out of nowhere. The bartender goes back into the bar.
"Boy" he says to the man, "that genie sure does have bad hearing." The
man answers: "I know, did you really think I asked for a 10 inch
pianist?"
Posted by dude_se
| Quote: |
|
lol
Posted by batesie
This bloke was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:...........
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fcukin shoes on."
Posted by axxxr
That was a good one mate!
Posted by goldenface
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a Ballerina?"
The drunk replied,
"Why any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Posted by mrao
good one
Posted by masseur
directions...
1.Start at Your House.
2.Make your way to London Heathrow Airport.
3.Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
5.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South"
follow for 0.2 miles.
6.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for
0.3 miles
7.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North
AirportExit" follow for 2.9 miles
8.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for29.2
miles
9.Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
10."US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
11.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for104.0
miles
12."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
13.Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
14.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for
7.8 miles
15.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5miles
16.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for1.7
miles
17.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles
18.Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"
....Now that's the way to %^&*()! Amarillo!!!!!!!!
SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW!!!!!!!
Posted by Burgaz
You got that mail to huh?
[ This Message was edited by: Burgaz on 2005-05-20 00:02 ]
Posted by Jake Blues
yea, and i had a shortened version as a sig a month ago, so yr behind me burgaz!
Posted by mrao
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question "
Posted by mrao
Definition of Bravery:
True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys, being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife and still having the guts to ask:
Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?'