Posted by kimcheeboi
Bill musta forgot to eat his watermelon
Posted by k4m!k4ze
here's one more not exactly a joke but anyway -
Posted by kimcheeboi
ive never had any chicks turn green on me
Posted by k4m!k4ze
@kimchee - so u know ur not superior
Soccer's most Embarassing moments -
http://images2.jokaroo.net/images/soccersex.jpg
Jihad gone wrong -
http://images2.jokaroo.net/images/jihadholywar.jpg
Posted by kimcheeboi
they must be the virgin material and im the man-ore.
Posted by Jake Blues
a sexy blonde in a tiny top and short skirt paid a visit to the doctor, looking at her he cant maintain his professionalism.
he pulls up her skirt and starts rubbing her thighs
"do you know what im doing?" he asks
"yes, checking for abnormalities" comes the reply
the doctor pulls up her top takes off her bra and gropes her
"now what am i doing?" he asks
she says "checking for lumps and bumps"
"yes thats im doing" says the doctor as he lays her on the table.
as he is on top of her pounding away, he asks again
"what am i doing now?"
she replies "getting herpes, which brings me to why im here."
Posted by blackspot
A man with a bad case of herpes went to a doctor. The doctor told him "We have to remove your prick ASAP". The man was shocked/scared so he went to another doctor who said exactly the same thing.
He went to an old chinese doctor who uses old techniques to get a different opinion. He told the chinese doctor what the two doctors told him. The chinese doctor looked at it and said "Those doc-tas just want maneh! No need opelation."
The man was so relieved. "So, am I gonna be alright, doc?"
The chinese doctor replied "Just wait two weeks, pecker fall"
Posted by kimcheeboi
A man man went to the doctor because of shooting testicular pains. The doctor told the man that his tesicles would have to be immediately removed, or there would be dire consequences. The man reluctantly agreed.
A few weeks after the operation, then man went to a tailor to get a new suit. The tailor immediately began writing down measurements. The guys says, "What are you doing? You haven't even made measurements yet!"
The tailor replies, "I can tell what your sizes are just by looking at you. You wear 32x30 pants, and 16-34/35 shirts, size 11 shoes, and size 32 underwear."
"Amazing!" the guy exclaims. "but you've got one thing wrong--i wear size 30 underwear."
"No," the tailor replies. "If you wear size 30 underwear it will dig into your crotch giving you shooting pain in your balls."
Posted by blackspot
Oooh! Give me back my balls!
A man stammers so much his wife couldn't bear it and brought him to a doctor. The doctor asked the man to remove pull down his pants and underwear. The man says "H-H-here? N-N-Now?"
The doctor nodded his head. The man obeyed the doctor. The doctor examined him and said "OK, I know what the problem is... Your d**k is too long! We have to remove a few inches from it."
The man wanted to argue but his wife said "It's OK darling I think the doctor is right. I always felt so much pain... you know what I mean"
The operation was successful and the man can now talk straight. "Thanks doc, You don't know how much this will improve my life and my career!"
After a few months, his wife started complaining that she doesn't get as much satisfaction in bed anymore. She wanted the C**k back to it's original length. "I don't mind the stammering" she added.
So they went to the doctor and told him what they wanted the removed part back and are willing to pay anything.
The doctor replied "Th-th-that's i-i-imposib-b-b-ble!"
Posted by Jake Blues
george bush rings superman and says
"our country is at war, why arent you helping our brave boys?"
superman replies "because im in a wheelchair, you thick ****"
superman and ken bigley are in a race to get into heaven. superman wins by a head.
what did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
"i cant see a thing for all this shit in here"
Posted by kimcheeboi
Three lesbians walk into a bar and sit down on bar stools. They start comparing how loose they are.
The first lesbian says, "I'm so loose, i can get a hand up there!"
The second lesbian says, "Oh yeah? I'm so loose I can get two hands up there!"
The third lesbian says, "Oh yeah?"
Ker-plunk!
Posted by blackspot
In a restaurant in the 20th floor of a building, a lady approached the bar and wanted to start a conversation with the man next to her.
"What's that you're drinking?"
"Magic beer. Wanna see?"
"Sure!"
The man drank half a mug in one gulp, blinked twice, ran towards the window, jumped and flew circling the building and went back in, sat back next to the lady.
"Wow, that was impressive! bartender, can I have one of this magic beer please."
The lady drank half a mug of her magic beer in one gulp, blinked her eyes twice, ran towards the window, jumped, experienced 0g for a few seconds and splat on the ground below!
The bartender stared at the guy who is half-smiling.
"You know you're an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."
Posted by Jake Blues
what do you call an indian lesbian? mingeata
what do you call a lesbian dinosaur? lickalottapuss
Posted by blackspot
Why does Batgirl refuse to go on a date with Batman? because Batman has Batbreath
What does Superman and a bearing have in common? Steel balls
Posted by kimcheeboi
"I went to a fight the other day and a hockey game broke out."
-George Carlin
Posted by blackspot
Sports announcer: "... an uppercut, a hook to the right... Larry went for a counter jab to the chin, and followed it up with a straight reverse punch to the nose... Jim is down! Jim is down!... what a basketball match this is!"
Posted by Jake Blues
a young couple are sat on the sofa kissing and cuddling late one night.
"i really need the toilet" he says
"no way, if you wake up my mum and dad theyll kill us" she replies
"but i really need to"
"well then go in the kitchen sink"
he goes and after 2 minutes he puts his head round the door and says
"you got any toilet paper?"
Posted by kimcheeboi
@Nature-
Posted by shithappens
keep it up fellas....i needed the laugh.....crappy week at work
Posted by Jake Blues
a young chinese couple are sat on the sofa late one night kissing and cuddling. they decide they should take the relationship further but neither of them know a lot about sex.
the guy says"well, i heard of this thing called a 69..."
she says get lost, im not cooking at this time night"
-----
a surgeon is performing his first operation of the morning on a sexy young blonde. he cuts her open and sees a live fish flapping inside her.
he says "whats a nice plaice like you doing in a girl like this?"
-----
at lunchtime the surgeon is having a round of golf with a nun.
he takes a swing for the ball and misses.
"goddamn it, i missed" he shouts
"dont take the lords name in vain" shouts the nun
the surgeon apologises and takes another swing and misses it again.
"goddamn i missed again" he shouts
"i warned you once" says the nun "next time something awful will happen"
the surgeon takes a 3rd swing and misses again.
"goddamn it, i dont believe this" he shouts
just then a bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and hits the nun. a voice comes booming down after shouting "goddamn it i missed"
-----
the surgeon goes back to the hospital and his first operation of the afternoon is on a sexy young blonde. he cuts her open and sees a live fish flapping inside her. when he sees the fish he knows he cut open in the wrong place. what else could he say but "coddamn it i missed"
Posted by blackspot
A woman asked a group of guys in the club if she can play with them as she was a new member. The guys said agreed to try her out and asked when they usually play. "Every saturday 7:00 AM", OK I'll be here this saturday at 6:30 or 6:45.
That saturday she came 6:30 AM and played like a pro. The guys were impressed and were having fun as she shared a lot of jokes along the course. The next saturday she arrived 6:30 AM and played just as well but this time left-handed. The guys were impressed even more.
The next saturday she arrived 6:45 AM was awesome with alternating left-hand/right-hand strokes. The guys were curious and asked.
"How do you decide when to use left-handed or right-handed".
"Before I leave home I look under the sheets as my husband sleeps naked. If his d**k points to the left, I play left handed, if it points to the right, I play right-handed."
"What if it's pointing upwards, you know..."
"I'll be here at 6:45"
Posted by k4m!k4ze
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
----------------------------
THE CLINTON Virus...
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)
THE MIKE TYSON virus...
(Quits after two bytes.)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.)
-----------------------------
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Posted by blackspot
Jim and two of his buddies were playing golf. On the 13th hole a funeral passed by from a distance and Jim paused and took off his hat. Seeing him, his two friends did the same. They resumed their game when the funeral march was already too far to be seen. One of Jim's friends said as they were walking "That's what I admire about you Jim, you always have respect for people". Jim answered "That's the least I could do, after all we were married for 25 years."
Posted by k4m!k4ze
Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
---------------------
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Posted by blackspot
Two not-so-experienced hunters got lost in the woods. One of them said "I read in a survival book that if we get lost we simply shoot 3 times in the air and someone will come and rescue us". So they did. After 4 hours nothing happened and nobody came. They tried again and waited for another 3 hours. They were about to do it again when the second hunter said "Don't you think we should save these last three arrows just in case?"
Posted by methylated_spirit
What do you call a Pakistani swimming pool attendant?
Hanjer Bandin!
Posted by k4m!k4ze
Not a joke but worth seeing anyway (To all bush lovers, take it easy
) -
Posted by blackspot
An old chinese businessman was in his bed in a hospital. The doctor said his sickness has gone worse and he doesn't have much time left. All his family came and visited him that day, maybe for the last time. He saw their faces and started calling out their names. "Leilei", "Meimei", "Chengcheng", "Xiaoxiao". "We're all here for you papa", they replied. His wife smiled and held his hands.
He looked angry and said "Who's watching the store?"
Posted by kimcheeboi
Q: How do you know when it''s bedtime at Michael Jackson''s home?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
Q: What do you call a gay bar with no place to sit?
A: A fruit stand.
Q: Why did the gay man get a job at the loading dock?
A: He loved taking deliveries in the rear.
Q: Why do gay men make good linemen?
A: They love penetrating the defense.
Q: Why couldn''t the gay quarterback make it in the NFL?
A: He was too foreward with his passes.
Q: How do you make a lesbian anorexic eat?
A: Put pussy hair around her dinner plate.
Q: What do you call a fart in the men''s room of a gay bar?
A: A love call.
Q: Why did the gay criminal keep going back to prison?
A: He loved it in the can.
Posted by kimcheeboi
A guy is walking along the beach when he sees a little girl with no arms and no legs. He decides to talk to her and she tells him, "I've never been kissed."
Naturally, he feels sorry for her and kisses her. The she says, "I've never been fu*ked."
He picks her up and throws her in the ocean. "Now you're fu*ked."
---------------------
What do you call a quadrupalegic hanging on the wall?
Art.
What do you call a quadrupalegic on the floor?
Matt.
-------------------
A man comes home after playing a round of golf. His wife asks, "Honey, how'd you do today?"
For no apparent reason he smacks her so hard he lays her out of the floor.
"Why the hell did you do that?!" she asks.
"Cause I've been hitting everything fat today."
--------------------
Three surgeons are talking about who's the easiest to operate on. THe first one says, "I think librarians are the easiest. When you cut them open, everything's filed."
The second surgeon replies, "No, engineers are the easiest. If you take them apart, put them back together, and you're left over with a few spare parts, they totally understand."
The third surgeon says, "No, lawyers are the easiest. You cut them open and they're brainless, spineless, and heartless. The only two parts that work are their mouth and their anus, and those are interchangable."
---------------------
Did you hear about the two gay judges?
They tried each other.
---------------------
Why did George W climb the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
---------------------
Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.
-------------------
What do asians do when they have an erection?
They vote.
--------------------
Why are there no Mexican Athletes?
Everyone who can run, jump, or swim is in America.
--------------------
NOW FOR THE ORIGINAL JOKES!
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Why don't blacks French Kiss?
Their lips get in their eyes.
-------------------
You know your girlfriend's too fat when...
8. She's NEVER on top
7. She sweats butter
6. Her motto is: "who need pockets?"
5. She drools
4. She uses paper towels instead of toilet paper
3. You always poke the wrong fold
2. Who needs KY when you have Crisco?
1. Every time she stands up, she needs to change her underwear
Posted by Jake Blues
gary glitters not well....hes got nappy rash.
Posted by kimcheeboi
why did the blond chick have a bruised belly button?
her boyfriend was blond too.
Posted by methylated_spirit
Whats shiny, tall, and lies at the bottom of a baby's bed?
Gary Glitters platform shoes!
-------------------------------------------------------
what do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack
--------------------------------------------------------
what do you call a man with a lorry on his head?
Big Jack
------------------------------------------------------
If Britney Spears, do you think Victoria Wood?
-------------------------------------------------------
Whats blue and f*cks your gran?
hypothermia
Posted by Jake Blues
gary glitter and his young girlfriend are in a video store. she says "well, what do you want tonight?"
he replies "can we get alladin?"
"no" she says "youre in enough trouble. just get a video."
whats the difference between gary glitter and a greyhound? a greyhound waits for the hare to come out first.
Posted by Rookwise
A bloke comes home with a duck under his arm. He goes into the living room, looks at his wife and says "thats the pig i've been shagging for the last 20 years"
His wife look at him confused and says "thats not a pig. Its a duck"
The man says to his wife "I was talking to the duck"
Posted by Jake Blues
paddy the construction worker was on the 20th floor of an part-finished building.
he realised that the only handsaw was on the floor next to his mate seamus. he shouts down but although seamus can hear him shouting he cant make out any words. paddy points to his eyes (i) then his knees (need) then he makes a back and forth motion with his hand (handsaw).
seamus drops his trousers and starts playing with himself.
furious paddy races down to the ground and shouts "what the hell are you doing? i was trying to tell you i needed a handsaw!"
seamus replies "i know, i was trying to tell you i was coming!"
Posted by Jake Blues
i feel sorry for cliff richard. last christmas he only sold 10,000 albums, mind you harold shipman killed most of his audience.
---
how could pavarotti have been made head of the world hunger organisation? dont they realise, if he didnt eat so much there wouldnt be world hunger?!
---
bob geldof is going to send the proceeds of band aid 20 to somalia this time. i hope they do the decent thing with all that money. OPEN A COUPLE OF TESCO'S!!!
Posted by kimcheeboi
Posted by Jake Blues
whats the cleverest thing to come out of a womans mouth? einsteins c***.
--
whats the useless bit on top of a vagina? a wife.
--
why do women have legs? so thier feet dont smell of pussy.
--
my first wife died tragically. she fell of a bike.
a copper said "were you close?"
i said "close enough to push the cow."
[ This Message was edited by: Nature on 2004-11-15 05:36 ]
Posted by kimcheeboi
we have a masogynist!
Posted by Jake Blues
i was driving along the motorway yesterday when i started feeling tired.
after 10 minutes i arrived at a petrol station so i parked up and decided to have an hours sleep.
after 5 minutes a guy knocks on the window and asks "do you have the time?"
"5.00" i replied.
after 5 minutes, another knock. "do you have the time" another guy said
"5.05" i said.
i got out of the car opened the boot, got out some cardboard and a pen and wrote I DO NOT HAVE THE BLOODY TIME and put it in the window.
i was asleep for 10 minutes when someone knocked on the window and said "its 5.15 ".
---
i was in a gay bar yesterday and this guy had the nerve to call me homophobic. thats crazy. i love my house.
[ This Message was edited by: Nature on 2004-11-15 06:13 ]
Posted by markymodem
Massive Tea towel sale now on......For details contact Mrs Arafat.....
Posted by kimcheeboi
ROTFLMAO
that poor bugger
Posted by Angelgirl
lol....lol...lol....that was a good one Nature keep it up u all
Posted by markymodem
Its important to keep fit as you get older....My gran started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. Today she is 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!!!!!
Posted by blackspot
An engineer died and was mistakenly brought to hell. Satan happily accepted him and gave him the bluprint of hell. The engineer checked it, went around and inspected everything. After 2 months he was able to put up airconditioning, elevators, and conveyors around hell and everything was great!
An angel came down to visit satan and told him that the engineer was supposed to go to heaven. Satan refused to let him go. The angel told satan that they will sue if the engineer was not sent to heaven right away. Satan smiled and said "Oh yeah, and where will you get your lawyers?"
_________________
resistance is futile.
[ This Message was edited by: blackspot on 2004-11-16 04:42 ]
Posted by methylated_spirit
i just got a great deal on ebay...superman costume and a wheelchair for a fiver.
Posted by kimcheeboi
hey, have you seen ray charles' house?
Neither has he!
Posted by methylated_spirit
Whats the only thing better than winning gold at the special olympics?
Not being a spastic.
Posted by kimcheeboi
ok im about to get crucified for these jokes
whats the opposite of christopher reeves?
christopher walken.
what's black and sits at the bottom of the stairs?
christopher reeves after a fire!
did you hear about christopher reeves new movie?
superman gets a parking spot!
how do you stop christopher reeves from moving??
tape his mouth shut
whats the difference between christopher reeves and O.J. simpson??
O.J. walked and reeves got the electric chair
How did terrorists attack the world trade center?
Superman was in a wheelchair
ut a dollar bill underneath your chin, and squirm around like a tard: then ask, "who am I?" ---Christopher Reeves in a strip club----
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms!
stick your tongue out
wiggle it up
wiggle it down
wiggle it to the left
wiggle it to the right
pull it back in your mouth
now you have completed the christopher reeves home work out!
What was MTV's shortest show this year ??
Chris Reeves unplugged
So Christopher Reeves walks into a bar...
what do you have if you push 100 cripples down a hill into the sea?
A damn good laugh!
How did Hellen Keller's mom punish her?
She left the plunger in the toilet.
What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound?
Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
cause shes a woman.
why didnt Helen Keller scream when she fell off a cliff?
she was wearing mittens.
What does Helen Keller call the closet?
Disneyworld.
Where did helen Keller go when company was over?
Disneyworld.