Posted by buluayam
Time for a comeback of the joke thread!
Reasons Why Cookie Dough is Better than Men...
1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to swallow.
5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
6. It's "quick and convenient".
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavoured.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.
33. You can sculpt it into ANY form you want.
___________________________________________________________
Important Emails
Thanks to my friends who sent me such important emails in 2003 & 2004. It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! I'm sure you wish to thank me for the same!
Because of you:
I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
I stopped consuming several foods because you said the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.
I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older.
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000.00 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.
But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.
PS: If you don't send this by e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will shit on you tomorrow at 3:00 PM!
___________________________________________________________
Guy Rules
1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
c) When your date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes
7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary.
20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
Posted by shithappens
this here is my contribution....if memory serves me still
it has been posted before but i tot it worthy of a re-post:
Maharishi Fattifatbastard’s Guide to Zen
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either, just f**k off and leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
The darkest hours come just before the dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air.
It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
Don't aspire to become irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again?
It was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman.
Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse.
From there on in, life gets worse
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
Posted by kimcheeboi
Posted by buluayam
And more!
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed,
"Mom."
With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Julie
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my
report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home
___________________________________________________________
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."
Posted by methylated_spirit
Sexist joke alert: Look away now if easily offended
Why do women have legs?? Have you seen the mess a snail makes??
Sorry, terrible joke
Posted by shithappens
on the contrary.....
Posted by methylated_spirit
A man goes into the doctors and says "Doctor, when i woke up yesterday i thought i was a wigwam, and this morning when i woke up i thought i was a teepee!"
The doctor says "I know whats wrong, you're too tense"
Geddit? too tense? two tents?
Posted by davio
what's pink and fluffy?
pink fluff!
what's blue and fluffy?
pink fluff holding it's breath...
Posted by methylated_spirit
Whats pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pants on washday?
Your gran!
Posted by shithappens
DATING !!
AMERICAN WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.
JAPANESE WOMEN
First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at all.
Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her panties.
Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her.
Then she'll bid you sayonara, as that was her last fling as getting married to a Japanese man tomorrow.
MALAY WOMEN
First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.
Second date: You get to home base with her.
Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get circumcised.
Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family.
The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three more times as allowed under Islamic law!
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens too.
Third date: You have already realised that nothing's going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: You meet her parents.
Second date: The date is set for the wedding.
Third date: It's your wedding night!
HONG KONG WOMEN
First date: You lose all your cash in your wallet.
Second date: You max out all your credit cards.
Third date: You clean out your bank account and you still can't get to first base.
Three weeks after your third date, you die from SARS.
Posted by methylated_spirit
whats 200 feet long and stinks of piss?
a conga line in an oldfolks home!
Posted by kimcheeboi
Posted by shithappens
| Quote: |
|
but funni as hell nevertheless
Posted by methylated_spirit
How many elephants can you fit in a mini?
4, obviously, 2 in the front and 2 in the back.
Posted by ShawO
A note from a daughter to mom
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Posted by Evil Eye
Good joke.Applause!
Posted by STUARTIDH
A blind man walks into a bar - ouch!
A dyslexic man walks into a Bra [:D]
Whats Black and Screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron!
Posted by kimcheeboi
How does hellen keller masturbate?
With one hand and moans with the other.
Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's house?
Well, neither has he!
Why did Michael Jackson go to K-mart?
He heard boys' pants were half off.
How do you know it's bedtime in the Jackson home?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
What's white on the outside, black on the inside, and comes in little boxes?
Michael Jackson.
How do you know a party's on at Neverland (the Jackson home)?
All the tricycles parked outside.
Posted by methylated_spirit
Why did M-J cover his winkie in Cheese Spread?
"Kids will do anything for Dairylea"
Posted by mince-inside
Wahoo a free for all of crap jokes - here's mine.
Door: Knock - knock
Resident: Who's there?
Knocker: Big-ish
Resident: Big-ish who?
Knocker: Sorry mate Ive got no change
_________________
Pictures in my head
Worst job ever! v's Dream Job V=
[ This Message was edited by: mince-inside on 2004-10-09 21:42 ]
Posted by methylated_spirit
knock knock
Posted by scotsboyuk
@meths
Who's there?
_________________
"I may be drunk my dear woman, but in the morning I will be sober, and you will still be ugly." WSC
[ This Message was edited by: scotsboyuk on 2004-10-09 21:45 ]
Posted by methylated_spirit
Amanda
Posted by scotsboyuk
@meths
Amanda who?
Posted by methylated_spirit
Amanda hug'n'kiss, if you wannit bigboy
Posted by scotsboyuk
@meths
Posted by methylated_spirit
Yep, meths has been drinkin' again
Posted by mince-inside
Ow @meths I though it was going to be
a man da went round to the back door and took the biggest knife out of the kitchen and is stood behind you now....
Posted by methylated_spirit
Knock Knock
Posted by kimcheeboi
who's there?
Posted by methylated_spirit
You are, idiot!
Sheesh, he's so out of it he doesnt know who's at the door...
Posted by kimcheeboi
i think i've locked myself out... LET ME IN, DAMMIT!
Posted by methylated_spirit
climb in the window, i cant find the key
Posted by shithappens
i'll drink to that mate
meantime let's try keep the thread on topic.....cheers *no pun intended*
Posted by methylated_spirit
2 Eskimos are out fishing, and one says "damn its cold, light a fire" The other says "what, here? In the boat?!?" The other says "yeah Old Bill says it will be fine". "Phooey," says the other eskimo. "cant be done! Old Bill is full of crap!" "JUST LIGHT THE GODDAMN FIRE, I'M FREEZING!" the first eskimo bellows. Disgruntled, the second eskimo lights a fire, an lo and behold the boat sinks. After they scramble ashore, the second eskimo turns to the first and says "SEE? I told you you couldnt have your kayak and heat it!"
Posted by Rookwise
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the
occasional division by zero.
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music
is over, the strings are attached.
3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an
institution for the blind.
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his
Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger
and two under the man's eyes.
6. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
7. Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries
inherited forever.
8. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffe-Ring
- The Endu-Ring
9. Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS
listen.
10. It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an
eye-opener.
11. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant
with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what
the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
12. It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of
them get MARRIED!
13. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church
and found himself married. A year later he muttered
something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
14. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the
husband gives and the wife takes.
15. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
16. There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was
until I got married.... and then it was too late!"
17. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm
clock.
18. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before
marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
19. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when
a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
20. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell
for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
Posted by shithappens
@staz: u're scarin the bachelors mate
Posted by shithappens
WORDS WOMEN USE IN ARGUMENTS
******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you ha ve just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!
And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh
_______________________________________________________
You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.
For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Posted by Rookwise
Did you think that a dog's life was nothing but eating, sleeping, etc?
Well, here's something to change your mind!
*****A Day in the Life of a Dog******
6:00 a.m.-6:15 a.m. Squeals and whines to be let out of the house.
6:16 a.m. Rushes to garden in search of cats.
6:20 a.m. No cats. Turns attention to newly planted bulbs.
6:21 a.m. Digs up bulbs.
6:30 a.m. Barks to come inside.
6:32 a.m. Barks again - more loudly.
6:35 a.m. To be sure all within twenty miles have heard,
barks again.
6:40 a.m. Back door opens. Enters house. Listens to make
sure everyone in the house is now awake. Jumps
on chair and goes to sleep.
8:00 a.m. Food sounds from kitchen. Wakes and goes to
investigate. Hangs around chair of youngest human.
Catches most food before it hits the floor.
8:32 a.m. Back to sleep.
9:30 a.m. Mail arrives. Waits for door to open and chases
letter carrier.
9:45 a.m. Sleep.
10:45 a.m. Sleep.
11:00 a.m. Vacuum cleaner switched on. Leaps from chair and
flees sound. Goes to another room. Sleeps.
12:30 p.m. Lunch sounds from kitchen. Scurries past newly
filled dog dish. Arrives first at table. Waits
for food to drop from table. None. Goes to dog
dish filled with food the TV ad says is irresistible
to dogs. Sniffs. Looks around to make sure
there's nothing better. Sighs. Eats.
1:30 p.m. Whines at door to go out.
1:35 p.m. Whines at door to come in.
1:40 p.m. Hears friend barking outside. Whines to go out again.
1:45 p.m. Door opens. Leaps from house and joins friends
chasing cars.
2:45 p.m. Still chasing cars, with the odd cat thrown in for
variety.
3:00 p.m. Decides to call on girl-friend up the street. She is
sleeping.
3:05 p.m. Good Idea. Goes home and does the same.
4:00 p.m. Children arrive home from school. Dog barks, yells,
goes crazy. Told to calm down. Barks and yells
some more.
4:07 p.m. Grabbed by collar and thrown out of the house.
4:09 p.m. After barking fails to open door, decides to call on
girl-friend once more. She has gone out. Runs to park.
Finds another girl.
6:00 p.m. Dinner time. Hurries home.
6:10 p.m. Before door opens, lowers head and adopts pitiful
appearance.
6:11 p.m. Doesn't work. "Get in here and where the hell have
you been?"
6:12 p.m. Hides under dinner table.
6:55 p.m. Hears rattle of leash. Leaps off best chair and
rushes to front door.
7:17 p.m. At the park. Leash still attached. Sits quietly.
Leash released. Goes Bananas.
7:55 p.m. Off leash.
8:22 p.m. Off leash.
8:55 p.m. Off leash.
9:15 p.m. Owner asks if anyone has seen dog.
9:45 p.m. Owner in luck. Someone has seen a dog swimming in
nearby lake.
10:00 p.m. Back on leash. Shakes self over owner.
10:05 p.m. Dragged back into house.
10:15 p.m. Settles down in front of TV.
10:35 p.m. Barks to go outside.
10:40 p.m. Barks loudly to come back inside.
10:45 p.m. Barks again before owner can open door. Neighbour
shouts that baby is trying to sleep. Also advises
what owner should do with dog.
10:46 p.m. Dog barks very loudly in the direction of
neighbour's voice.
10:50 p.m. Door opens. Dog rushes upstairs to bedroom. Hides
under bed. Owner leaves. Dog leaps on bed. Sleeps.
A horror movie character's survival guide
* When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check
to see if it's really dead.
* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia
or satanic practices in your house move away immediately.
* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just
gone out.
* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice
which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will
save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably
take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
* When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go it
alone.
* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to
Hell.
* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside,or anywhere near a
grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
* If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find
out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you
value your life.*
* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
* Do not take *anything* from the dead.
* If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a
reason. Take the hint and stay away.
* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure
you know what you are doing.
* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also
note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster
is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to
catch up with you.
* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as
possible.
* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which
are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog
(God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle,
or any small town in Maine.
* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted- looking house to phone for help.
* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple
guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any
device made from deceased companions.
* Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the
audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you
could ever hope to be.
Posted by shithappens
every dog has its day fer sure
Posted by Rookwise
*************************
A Letter From Barbie
*************************
Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA
Dear Sir,
Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at
being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties,
and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a
nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my
skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring
anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of
chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with
a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a
removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA
Excerpts from "A Woman's Little Instruction Book"...
1. Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself
variety.
2. The best reason to divorce a man is for your health: you've gotten
sick of him.
3. Definition of widowhood: the only good thing some women get out of
marriage.
4. Always take disappointments like a man -- blame them on a woman.
5. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies
about other things, too.
6. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband
to do.
7. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're
aiming too high.
8. Men are like buses -- they never appear when you want them to and when
they do they're driven by someone who only has a learner's permit.
9. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
10. A man who can dress himself without looking like Homer Simpson is
unquestionably gay.
11. Don't bother going to the chiropractor to get rid of a pain in the
neck. Just divorce him.
12. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
13. Husbands are like kids -- they're okay as long as they're someone
else's.
14. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell
them apart.
15. Having more than one wife is bigamy; having more than one husband is
pure insanity.
16. A man's idea of serious commitment is "Oh, all right, I'll stay the
night".
17. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the shower to pee.
18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually
find that he already is.
19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five
men -- a woman.
20. There are a lot of words you can use to describe a man -- strong,
caring, loving -- they'd be wrong, but you could still use them.
21. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive, and potentially violent --
but they make great pets.
22. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
23. There are only 2 four-letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't"
and "stop" -- unless, of course, they're said together.
24. Wait for the right man to come along, but in the meantime have some fun
with the wrong ones.
25. Always remind your husband that the wages of sin is alimony.
Seen on a T-shirt worn by a woman:
MENtal Anxiety,
MENtal Breakdown,
MENstrual Cramps,
MENopause ...
Did you ever notice
how all of our problems
begin with MEN?
The Washington Post: Sunday May 14, 1995, Final Edition
Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd
warning labels for common products. We loved one particular entry
for its wonderful idiocy:
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun
Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered
that it wasn't made up.
Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with
bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation
device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Honorable Mentions
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will
replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of
$4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim
Gaffney, Manassas)
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith
Daniel, Washington)
On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)
On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry
Robin, Gaithersburg)
On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which
has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure
and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking
at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken
Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White,
Taneytown)
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological
warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug
Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman,
Charlottesville)
On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail
note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).
You know you are addicted to the Internet when...
* You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications
Decency Act.
* You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no
phone lines.
* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
cellular modem and a laptop.
* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
* All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
* And even your night dreams are in HTML.
* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
word processor.com
* You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
* You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
* You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never
had heart problems before.
* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
and you don't have a clue when it happened.
* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
if new e-mail arrives.
* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
what she looks like.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all
of them are already highlighted in purple.
* Your dog has its own home page.
* You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
through Lycos. or [C]ontinue?
* You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
* You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
idea where your children are.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
* You refer to your age as 3.x.
* You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
* Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
your favorite IRC channel.
* You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
* You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
* You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
* Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
* You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games
from Apogee.t, or [C]ontinue?
* You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
* You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.
* You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
* You tell the cab driver you live at
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
* You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's
got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
* Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your
IRC channel.
* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
* Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
* You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
* You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
1.1 or higher."
* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP...because you never log off.
* The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
front of your computer with a toilet.
* You forget what year it is.
* You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
* You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
* You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it
sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed
to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
* You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
* Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy
another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Posted by dyrws
this joke changes every 24 hours...
[ This Message was edited by: dyrws on 2004-10-15 14:44 ]
Posted by k4m!k4ze
Thing to do when your feeling hot -
Catch her by the waist.
Bring her home.
Remove the top.
And take deep drink of ..........
PEPSI, to cool down of course, what were you thinking ?
Posted by shithappens
In the beginning was THE PLAN.
And then came THE ASSUMPTION.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it
stinketh."
And the workers went to their supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung,
and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying, "It is a container of
excrement and it is very strong, such that none will abide by it."
And the managers went unto their directors, saying, "It is a vessel of
fertilizer and none may abide it's strength."
And the directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another, "It
contains that which aids plant growth. It is very strong."
And the directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It
promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new
plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with
powerful effects."
And the President then looked upon THE PLAN and saw that it was good.
And THE PLAN became POLICY.
And this is how shit happens.
Posted by kimcheeboi
NICE ONE!!!!
Posted by methylated_spirit
One day a young irish girl leaves Ireland to try and make a fortune in England.
after 5 years she returns to Ireland in her top of the range porche and designer clothes. Her grandmother asks her how she made all the money. the girl(by now a woman) whispers something in her ear. suddenly the grandmother passes out.
After about 1 hour she comes round and says "tell me again how you made your money". again the irish girl whispers in her grandmothers ear. the grandmother then smiles and says "thank god, i thought you said protestant"
Posted by methylated_spirit
A Scottish boy arrives home all out of breath. His father asks: "how come you are all out of breath?" The boy says: "Dad, I just saved a quid by running after the bus"
Then his dad slaps him in the face.
The boy asks: "Why did you do that, Dad?"
The father replies: " You should have run behind a cab and saved five quid!"
Posted by Ing. FijoK
some picture for u
Posted by methylated_spirit
Why did the redneck cut his toilet in two?
His half-assed brother was coming to stay!
Posted by k4m!k4ze
i wonder why this thread died out
Here's one -
_________________
My precious - my K700
[ This Message was edited by: kllr_dude on 2004-11-08 08:05 ]