Posted by Eleventy7
A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
_________________________
A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head.
Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.
The woman reporter shouted out
"This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!".
Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers,
"I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!"
The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".
So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen.
Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50.
The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money.
I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff."
And the blonde says
"Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!"
Posted by 701
Little Alice comes to her mama and says:
- I met this guy today on the street and he said that if i suck his penis, he'll give me THESE ear-rings here!
Posted by Vlammetje
Posted by Krubach
A man get's to a therapist's room and starts:
- "Doctor I came here because i feel so bad. Everyone just ignores me.
The doctor shouts:
- "NEXT!"
Posted by Eleventy7
A woman, getting married for the fourth time,
goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk,
"You've been married three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not", the bride explained.
"My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it.
My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it.
My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"
____________________
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet,
Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said,
"Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
__________________-
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."
The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?"
The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?".
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
______________
A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall.
"Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her.
Could you please help me?"
"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.
"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.
"How's that going to help?" she asks.
"No idea really... but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours,
my wife appears out of nowhere."
__________
John, Brian, and Martin were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ole' hillbilly wives.
"You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, we ain't got no 'lectricity!"
The other two just howl with laughter.
Brian the Miniature says, "Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We ain't got no runnin' water!"
That one nearly slayed 'em.
Martin wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. 'tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers -- hell, she ain't got no dick!"
___________
There were two truck drivers in a truck riding down the interstate when
one of them told the other one he had to take a dump.
Since they were on the road and there were no truck stops for miles,
he decided to stop the truck and go behind a bush and do his business
but there was only one problem...he didnt have any toilet paper.
He asked his partner if he had some paper.He didn't have any paper,
but suggested that his friend wipe with a dollar.
The man agreed and went behind the bush and handled his business.
He came from behind the bush with poop all over his hand
so his partner asked him what happened and he replied,
"Do you know how hard it is to wipe your ass with four quarters?"
__________
At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2004-01-29 17:54 ]
Posted by shithappens
darn good ones mate...it's really good but u din hafta repeat the last one 
Posted by Eleventy7
ooops! edited it now
Prison V Work
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer. IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.AT WORK...they are called managers
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2004-01-29 18:08 ]
Posted by shithappens
rite on again mate.....as usual..... and who said crime doesn't pay
Posted by shithappens
@eleventy7: u shud check this thread out and follow the link...its xcellent
CyberSex Gone Wrong!!
_________________
If it looks like shit, feels like shit, smells like shit & tastes like shit...it's prolly a NOKIA!!!
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2004-01-30 02:04 ]
Posted by Bjerkebanen
prision! Hmm thats an idea! Neeh think il raher go to Lumpaland first.
Posted by Eleventy7
@shits - is it safe to check it out in a room full of family?
Posted by Deanlambert
Can we get this joke thread on wap
Posted by tranquil
eh...?
Posted by Deanlambert
It's ok tranquil, managed to sort my problem out
Posted by shithappens
| Quote: |
|
it is mate....its all in words...thank god.....
Posted by Eleventy7
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend runs an emulation program and the sound is turned off. Unfortunately, the DrinkingBuddies emulation for GirlFriend never seems to work, and I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.
I just run them separately, and it works okay. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. But after months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right-as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I booted up it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for awhile.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI Probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
still in my system.
I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed,but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and uninstalls itself, then shuts the system down.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold- plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Posted by shithappens
thank god my wife v1.0 is still workin flawlessly
Posted by Eleventy7
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating TABLE she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released FROM the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home,
she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God Replied,"I didn't recognize you."
_________________
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner,
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a nice liar."
_________________--
A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs.
The man shrugs it off... The bartender looks at him and laughs again,
the barteneder finnaly went over to the man and said
"I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen."
The man replied by saying I dont think so. I can get any lady that I want.
The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at
a table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet
$50 that he couldn't get the woman to even talk to him.
The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her.
The bartender accepted. The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door.
The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "damn that sucks but what happened?"
The man replied with "I dont know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows."
Posted by Bjerkebanen
hahahah
Licking hes eyebrows good one
Posted by Cycovision
There was once a company called 'Baxters Nails' that, surprisingly enough, made nails. Anyway, times were hard and they needed to do something quickly before they went bust, so the managing director called the sales director and said, 'Look John, I want you to come up with something really good and really fast, cos we're in very big trouble here you know...'
So John has a think about it and after a while, decides to call a marketing consultant. The marketing consultant listens to their story and immediately says 'What you need to do is advertise on the television. That'll get you loads of customers.'
'Oh yes?', says John, 'and how much will that cost?'
'Well,' says the consultant, 'there are two options, for £2000 well make you an advert and put it on at three oclock in the morning...'
'Oh, no' says John, 'Thats no good, whats the other option?'
'The other option,' says the consultant, 'is that for £20,000 we make you an advert and put it on at a quarter to eight, Monday evening, right in the middle of Coronation Street. Millions will see it!'
'OH YES!' says John 'Well definately take that!'
'OK' says the consultant, 'Make sure you're watching on monday evening, I promise you youll LOVE it!'
Anyway, Monday evening comes around and John settles down to watch Coronation Street. Sure enough, right in the middle of it, an advert comes on showing an image of Jesus nailed to the cross with a huge slogan underneath saying 'For strength and reliability, use baxters nails'.
Well, John leaps out of his chair, runs to the telephone and calls the marketing consultant. 'WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?' he cries, 'You cant put that on, it's blasphemy, well get closed down!'
'Ok, calm down' says the consultant, 'I tell you what, we'll make you another advert and put it on at the same time next week. This time you'll love it, I promise you...'
So, Monday comes round again and as before, John sits patiently through the first half of Coronation Street waiting for the ads. The ads come on, and suddenly there's a picture of a beautiful green hill, with Jesus running down it as fast as he can and two Roman guards chasing after him. One of the guards turns to the other and, panting heavily, says: 'I TOLD you we should have used Baxters Nails...'
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by shithappens
i'll second that
Posted by ShawO
The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he noticed the size of his manhood. I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's private bit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. The bartender replied, "Yes." So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money. A whole 4 cents." "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lip began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice,I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .............. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and even your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
NEVER Step on a Duck - Redneck Edition
Clarence, Billy Bob and Bubba were travelling through Europe on military leave when they came across a strange old town, protected by an ancient stone wall. They were getting hungry, and decided to stop and look for something to eat. A guard dressed in heavy leather and chain mail met them at the gate.
"You may enter," said the guard, "But we have one rule here: Never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished!"
Clarence, Billy Bob, and Bubba thought this was strange, but since they were hungry they passed through the gate, and found that there were ducks everywhere! It was a impossible to keep from stepping on one!
It was only a matter of time when Clarence accidentally stepped on a duck. Suddenly, a troop of guards stormed down the street and carried him away in chains! He was taken to prison and thrown into a cell with the meanest, ugliest woman you ever saw!
Billy Bob and Bubba saw this, and were extremely careful not to step on any ducks, but sure enough, it was only a few minutes until Billy Bob stepped on one!
Billy Bob was immedietly chained to a woman even uglier than the first one; She was fat, and dirty, and nagged constantly!
By this time Bubba was afraid to even take a step! It took him a half an hour just to walk a single block. Suddenly, for no reason, a guard ran up to Bubba and chained him to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen! She was tall, with blue eyes and long blonde hair, and wore a stunning red dress, all decked out in diamonds and gold! She must have been a princess! Bubba couldn't believe his eyes!
"What did I ever do to deserve this?" asked Bubba.
"I don't know what you did," said the princess, "But I stepped on a duck!"
NEVER Step on a Duck - Heavenly Edition
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... Don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck. Along comes St. Peter with another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then, one day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... tall, muscular and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
Posted by shithappens
Posted by artemiy
I'll post here a bit later (read: when I'll translate it into english) a "Chronicles of the sabotage subdivision" It's very cool!
Posted by wildmurphy
Two sharks were swimming in the irish sea. One says to the other, im feeling a bit hungry, what do you fancy for dinner?
SEcond shark replies, well i'm sick of fish, lets f*ck off to morcambe and get a chineese take out!.
buddum chaa
Posted by Vlammetje
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
Posted by Renall
Emotional Turmoil ...(HILARIOUS)
> Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
> long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The
guilt
> and sense of betrayal was overwhelming, but, every once in a while, he'd
> hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it.
> You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you
> won't be the last. And plus, you're single. Just let it go.
>
> " But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
> whispering: "Dave, you're a vet..."
>
Posted by Renall
Clever grandmother
The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her adult life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told
her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!
"She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the
glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
Posted by ShawO
Stupid People
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say,"I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."
_________________
This just-married Chinese coupled decide to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy condom from the shop nearby.
When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off... While the husband was out, an Indian thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the Indian and happily screwed away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
In the mean time, the husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realised that he had only one 20-sen coin. He asked the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality that he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 sen each.
The black condom, average quality, is 20 sen each.
And purple condom, the highest quality, is 25 sen each".
So, the husband chose the black condom as he had only 20 sen with him.
When he reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife and started making love. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic after the "first" session.
A year later, the wife gave birth to a "black" baby boy. When the baby grows up, he asks the father, "Pa, why am I black and you are white?" The father replied, "You are damn lucky already boy...... 5 sen more and you would be PURPLE now!!!!!!"
Posted by shithappens
stoopid is as stoopid can be
now where's my sign
Posted by soichiro
An English expat is hanging out in his favourite bar
in Phuket, thinking about his wretched life, when he
spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some
ugly tourist. He asks the bartender about her and
is not surprised to discover that she's a prostitute.
He watches her for the rest of the night, thinking he
has to get a piece of the action, but being English
he's a bit bashful, does nothing and thus goes home frustrated.
The next night he goes back to the same bar, and sure
enough she shows up again, only this time alone.
The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get US$100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."
"US$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?!!"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough
there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on
hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what
the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most
unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job
was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly
for her to show up. When she does, he immediately
approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs."
"How much is that?"
"US$500"
"US$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 6 storey apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made
on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for
it. He leaves with her, and once again is not
disappointed. He faints. Eight times.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she
shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost
me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points
down the street.
"You see that 150 storey skyscraper over there..."
"Aw, c'mon! You can't be serious!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own it."
Posted by *Jojo*
@shawo - that was a nice one !
[ This Message was edited by: jojo51069 on 2004-03-02 13:47 ]
Posted by Renall
A story to touch your heart...
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks,and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing 5 dollars.
The little girl took it home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the 5 dollars pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a construction crew building a house." "My goodness" said the teller, "will you be working on the house again this week too?"
The little girl replied "I will if those worthless c*cksuckers at the timber yard ever bring us the f*ckin' fibro we ordered".
Posted by shithappens
A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice. So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.
She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called Blow Job's Revenge.'"
___________________________________________________
Asda Technology
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, don't waste time," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs five pounds... a lot quicker and better than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda. He deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Asda, eager to check the results. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!...and thank you for shopping at Asda
Posted by soichiro
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
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A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss... when she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "when is the last time you've had sex?" the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.. he checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted"
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Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
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Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
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There were these two gay guys that give each other anal each night. One night before they give each other anal one of the guys has to go to the toilet. So the other guy says "okay but don't wank in there, save it for later." and the first guy agrees. This guy was in the toilet for a while so the other gay guy decides to check on him. Once he opens the toilet door he sees lots of seamen everywhere. He gets angry and yells "I thought I told you not to wank and to save it for later!" to the first gay guy. The first gay guy replies "I didn't wank, I just farted."
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One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.
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One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman... She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
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A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
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A middle aged couple went to a spouse swapping party. They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night. So they went off with the opposite spouse. When the woman saw the male martians' penis she said "Well that's nice but it's kind of short isn't it?" Well the martian reached up and patted his head. While he did that his penis got longer and longer. The woman saw that and said "That's nice but it's not very fat is it?" The martian reached up and pulled on his ears. As he was doing that his penis got fatter and fatter. The women had a grand time that night. In the morning the man and woman were comparing their experience. The woman said "I really enjoyed myself, we should swap again." The man said "I enjoyed it too but, I just can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!"
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My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
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"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”
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These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"
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A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.
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Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It's Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this nice sweater!"
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A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Heck! From way back there I thought you said "Goats!"
Posted by shithappens
good one mate
Posted by shithappens
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the
convent."
"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back, "I'm so tired of
Chardonnay..."
_________________________________________
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The firstmutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."
Posted by shithappens
There once was an Texan, whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..." He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant serious business. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night...but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!
What is the moral of this story???
Come on..........take a guess!
Think about it................
Okay, okay, scroll down........
You're going to love this!
Here it comes............................
And the moral is........................
You can't kill two birds with one stone!
Posted by wildmurphy
nearly funny
Posted by buluayam
Women's Dictionary
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Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card!
___________________________________________________________
Practice Safe Fax
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Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.
Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.
Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.
Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.
___________________________________________________________
Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies...
Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.
If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
___________________________________________________________
Just goes to show how differently men and women look at things...
HER DIARY
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant
and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today the Leafs lost. At least I got laid.
[ This Message was edited by: buluayam on 2004-03-12 13:01 ]
[ This Message was edited by: buluayam on 2004-03-12 13:08 ]
[ This Message was edited by: buluayam on 2004-03-12 13:18 ]
Posted by ShawO
lame...i know! but amusing tho
$...NO
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!
Dear Bo$$,
In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given so much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean, plea$e re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
Posted by shithappens
Posted by soichiro
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
=====================================================
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
=====================================================
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
=====================================================
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to
leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
=====================================================
God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.
Posted by Vlammetje
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
Shawn, said Pat, can you hear me??
Faintly, Shawn replied, Yes, Paddy, I can.
Bashfully, Pat started, Do you remember our pact, Shawn??
Yes, I do Patty, Shawn strained.
And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?? said Pat.
Yes Patty, I do, whispered Shawn.
''It's a very old bottle now, you know, urged Pat.
And what are you gettin' at Pat?? asked Shawn, briskly.
Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first??
Posted by shithappens
Posted by soichiro
Rhyme with the most romantic first line... but least romantic second line.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Posted by 50Cent
lol, its quite good
Posted by Lynx69
I have two:
I like it wet,
It dribbles down my chin,
Then when i think the time is right,
I'll ram the F**ker in!!!!
.
.
.
.
.Cadbury's Creme Egg
How do you eat yours??
AND:
(Assume you are a girl if you are a boy)
It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuss but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place
He probes deeply and you shiver, your body tenses but he's gentle like he promised he'd be
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him, he's done this many times before
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry
but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way
pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet
most rewarding experience
You smile and thank your dentist
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled out
Naughty, Naughty!
What were you thinking?
PERVERT I know what you were thinking!
Posted by soichiro