Posted by Eleventy7
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in HomeBase either."
_________________________________
There was an old couple sitting at a table. The old man said to the old lady, "I remember 50 years ago we were sitting at this very table."
The old woman said, "Yes, and we were probably naked as jay birds."
The old man said, "Well, what do you say..wanna get naked?" So they both stripped.
The old woman said, "You know hunny, my breasts are just as hot for you as they were 50 years ago." a
The old man replied, "I can imagine, one is in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee."
Posted by ShawO
| Quote: |
|
elementary my dear watson...
1s welsh... the other's u
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
Posted by Jowi
STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:
>
> BOY : May I hold your hand?
> GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
>
> GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
> BOY : You love me...
>
> GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
> BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
>
> GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
> BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
>
> GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
> BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
>
> BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
> GIRL : How soon??
>
> BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
> GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
>
> SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
> TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his
> mouth.
>
> MAN : You remind me of the sea.
> WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
> MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
>
> WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of
> the other.
> HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes
> out of the mouth.
>
> MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
> Peter?
> PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
>
> 1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
> Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
>
> 2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
> Pupil : "The moon".
> Teacher : "Why?"
> Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the
sun
> gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
>
> 3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
> people are no longer interested?"
> Pupil : "A teacher".
>
> 4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
> Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
>
> 5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was
called
> current affairs.
>
> 6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
> Sam : "It's a family tradition".
> Teacher : "What do you mean?"
> Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
> Teacher : "What about your mother?"
> Sam : "She's a woman".
>
> 7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've
failed?"
> David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
> performance repeated".
>
>
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
> stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
> Student : "Brotherly love".
>
> 9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
> eating?"
> Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
>
> 10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
> Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of
> ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've
> treated. The others all died".
>
> 11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
> One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day
> and at the same time."
>
> 12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's
> Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his
father didn't punish him ?"
> One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
Posted by N.M.E.
lol..i wish I was back in school to make smart ass comments like that :P
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
me too
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by shithappens
| Quote: | |||
| |||
very funny indeed!!!
Posted by Vlammetje
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
Posted by Vlammetje
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
Posted by shaggyhog
very funny!
naked old people
Posted by shithappens
a penis!!!!
heard that one be4 but it's still good as hell.....
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by Eleventy7
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo
Project, it took the astronauts
to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for
training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came
across the space crew walking
among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a
question.
His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the
big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were
practicing for a trip to the
moon.
When his son relayed this comment the
Navajo elder got all excited and
asked if it would be possible to give to the
astronauts a message to deliver
to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity
when he saw one, a NASA official
accompanying the astronauts said, "Why
certainly!" and told an underling to
get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the
microphone were brief. The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate
what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and
laughed uproariously. But he
refused to translate. So the NASA people took
the tape to a nearby Navajo
village and played it for other members of the
tribe. They too laughed long
and loudly but also refused to translate the
elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government
translator was summoned. After he
finally stopped laughing the translator relayed
the message:
"Watch out for these assholes. They have
come to steal your land."
__________________________
A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth".
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin' horth............can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and gives the horse's eyes the once over.........
"Nith eyeth...........can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth.........can I thee her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf...........can I thee her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's vagina, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that:
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Posted by Jowi
> Two little old ladies were outside their nursing home,
> having a smoke, all of a sudden it started to rain. One of
> the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, and
> put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
>
> Lady 1: What's that you did.?
> Lady 2: It's a condom. I slide it over my cigarette and this way
doesn't
> get
> wet from the rain.
> Lady 1: Where did you get it?
> Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
>
> The next day, Lady 1 walks herself over to the local
> drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants
> a box of condoms.
>
> The guy, obviously a little embarrassed, looks at her kind
> of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age),
> but very delicately asks what brand she prefers ??.
>
> "Oh, It doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
>
> The pharmacist gasp, then fainted and fell over backword.
Posted by shithappens
Posted by shaggyhog
U guys make me laugh!
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it"
Cobba said "Lets try Plan B." "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba "Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
Posted by shithappens
Posted by Eleventy7
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"
______________________________
The pissed off cowboy walked into the bar and slammed his fist on the bar.
"Ok", he shouted, "Who's the son of a bitch that painted my horse's balls red"?
At the other end, a huge biker stood up, ripped the end of the bar out of the floor and slammed it back down. "I did asshole", he said. "What have you got to say about that"?
"Oh", said the cowboy. " I just thought I'd let you know... he's ready for his second coat."
___________________________
In the men's room this morning I was standing next to a very
fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly, for no discernible reason,
he confided in me that he hadn't seen his pecker in 15 years.
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal
information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else
to say and wanting to be helpful, I said..... "Why don't you diet?
Giving me a surprised stare, he said, "Dye it?" For God's sake,
"what color is it now?"
____________________________
A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the flight was airborne, the flight attendant came to get drink orders.
"I'll have a whiskey on the rocks, if that's okay, ma'am," said the cowboy.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
"I'd rather be savagely raped a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips," he replied disgustedly.
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Sorry, ma'am, I didn't know we had a choice."
Posted by shithappens
Posted by Vlammetje
Posted by Eleventy7
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said
in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get
away from her before she s**ts on you!"
____________________
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
”Captain Marvel has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put
up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. “Tray up, bitch."
______________________________
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill, (the Australian barmaid) takes his order (1 pint of Fosters) and notices his Australian accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have s#x with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the dirty deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders another Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound -and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar.
But this night he just orders his Fosters and goes and sits in the corner. Jill (a little disappointed) thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention and maybe she can skank some cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I..." she says. "...What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he says. "That's amazing..." she says, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he says. "This is unbelievable..." she says, "...what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are not going to believe this..." she says, "...I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says "...your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"
He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!
Posted by shithappens
Posted by N.M.E.
lol...Aussie joke was good...Cept we don't really drink Fosters...
Well maybe they do in Melbourne, but they are strange :P
Posted by shithappens
ahem!!! i happened to like fosters quite a bit mate
Posted by N.M.E.
lol....not from Melbourne by any chance? :P
Posted by tranquil
"A Prison Break"
A prisoner escapes from a prison where he
had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away,
he finds a house and breaks into it looking for
money and guns...but, he finds a young couple
in bed. He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up
on a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he
gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then
gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife :
"Listen! This guy is an escaped prisoner, look at
his clothes! He probably has spent lots of time in
prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw
how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex...don't
resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you...
give him satisfaction! This guy must be dangerous!
And, if he gets angry, he will kill us! Be strong, honey.
I love you!"
The wife responds: "He was not kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was
gay, found you very sexy and asked if we kept any
Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love
you, too!!"
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled
out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to
find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be
some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she
replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No,
not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he
then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's
me before the operation."
_________________
Tranquil [ This Message was edited by: tranquil on 2003-09-23 10:00 ]
Posted by Vlammetje
Posted by Eleventy7
heard them both before but still goodies
| Quote: |
|
erm u mean there's actually someone on this earth that does like fosters?!
Posted by N.M.E.
lol.
I thought Fosters was really popular in the UK??
Posted by Eleventy7
not by people that have tastebuds! erm it's popular with underage drinkers, but only when cider and alcopops have sold out
Posted by Eleventy7
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked,"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs? "I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" "No, I don't". He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?" "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80"?
Posted by N.M.E.
lol. good one!
Hmm..People who aren't brought up on Aussie beer seem to have trouble with it...Especially is European beer is the alternative. Must be an acquired taste I guess :P
Posted by shithappens
| Quote: |
|
yup!!!
spent 3 glorious years of my uni life there.......
Posted by N.M.E.
Well that explains it...They are always up to strange things :P
Posted by shithappens
eh!! et tu N.M.E ???
Posted by shaggyhog
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial
harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark hunting....
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
Posted by Eleventy7
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect women met.After a perfect courtship, they had a wedding. Their life together was, of corse, perfect.One snowy, stromy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Audi Quatio) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,they stopped to help. There stood Santa CLaus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of Christmas. The perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were drivng along delivering the toys. Unfortunatly, the driving conditons deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one survived the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really exised in the first place.Everyone knows there is no santa claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men scroll down.So if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you are reading this, this illustrates another point. Women never listen.
_______________________
When Joe went on his blind date, he really didn't know what to expect. But when he got to the door, a stunning young woman answered the doorbell ring; but she was in a wheel chair and had no arms nor legs. Since she was so pretty and obviously very intelligent, Joe decided rather than hurt her, he would go through with the date. When he picked her up out of the wheel chair and put her in the car, he thought she had purposely rubbed her bottom across his lap and when she sat next to him, she constantly touched him with her body. They had a wonderful time, and when he tookd her out of the car and put her in her wheel chair, she asked him if he would like to have sex with her. He answered, "Yes, but how?" She said, "Take me into the back yard, and hang me up on the clothesline with the big clothespins; we can have all kinds of fun." She was certainly right about that, Joe thought as he took her off the clothesline and put her back in her wheel chair. She said, "Oh, my Daddy will just think you're so GREAT! He's been looking out the window all this time." Panicking, Joe said, "He KNOWS? and you think he's going to think I'm Great? How do you figure that?" "Easy," said his date, "you're the first one that's ever taken me off the clothesline!"
_________________
i might like you better if we slept together
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-09-26 19:07 ]
Posted by shithappens
Posted by Eleventy7
A city slicker was walking down a dirt road in the country he spotted a farmers house with some milk weed in the front yard. So he walks up to the house and siad to the farmer, "I noticed you have some milk weed in your front yard, do you mind if I get some?" The farmer replied, "You can try all you want, but your not going to get any milk out of them." So five minutes later the city slicker came back to the house with a hat full of milk. The farmer was astonished. He said "While I was out there, I noticed you had some butter cups, do you mind if I get some?" the farmer replied "You might have gotten milk out of milk weed but your not going to get butter out of butter cup, but you can try if you'd like." Five minutes later, the city slicker returned with a hat full of butter. Once again the farmer couldn't believe it. The city slicker said "While I was out there I noticed you had a pussy willow." The farmer replies "I'l go get my hat."
_________________
Once there was a guy that needed to make some money, so he thought about it for awhile. He had seen an elephant stand on 4 legs, 3 legs, 2 legs, even 1 leg. He had never seen an elephant stand on no legs. So he went out an bought an elephant. He posted a sign letting people know he was giving $1,000 to anyone that can make his elephant stand on no legs. For each try he charged $200. So people came and went and the man was making alot of money cause everyone was failing. Then one day a man in a blue chevy drove up and paid his $200. He walked over to the elephant with a large stick behind his back. He said "Now elephant I want you to stand on no legs, the elephant just stared. So the guy walked around to the back of the elephant and WHACK!!! right in the unmentionables. The elephant jumped up and the man recieved his $1,000. The elephants owner had to think of a better plan because the guy took all the money he had made. So he says, "I have seen an elephant shake his head up and down but I have never seen an elephant shake his head left to right. So people came and went paying there money but never getting the elephant to shake it's head left to right. then the man in the blue chevy drove up and walked up to the elephant and said, "Do you remember me?" and the elephant shook its head up and down. The man said "Do you want me to do it again?".....
Posted by N.M.E.
lol! :)
Sorry. Perth people seem to have a not-too-good view of Eastern Staters. I do believe it's the same the other way round. Australia is wierd man :P
Posted by shithappens
Posted by vinnieza
this is a pritty rubbish one but oh well.
What did the nokia say to the other nokia?
Looking quite fat today.
that was so not funny
Posted by Eleventy7
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it.
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
______________________________
Van walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a couple of sips he looks up and sees a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He calls the bartender over and says he'd like to buy the lady a drink.
The bartender says, 'Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She's a lesbian.'
Van takes a second, thinks it over, shrugs his shoulders and says, 'that's OK, I'd like to buy her a drink anyway.
So the bartender brings the woman her drink. The woman lifts her glass and gives Van a nod of thanks. Van gets up from his bar stool and saunters over to the woman. As he's sitting down on the stool next to her and says, 'So, what part of Lesbia are you from?'
Posted by Vlammetje
Posted by N.M.E.
Hahaha...Lesbia. I can't believe I haven't heard that before.
Posted by Vlammetje
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of
my computer screen".
The surprised salesman replies: "But, madam, computers do not have
curtains"!!!....
And the blonde said: "Helloooo....??! I've got Windows"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by ShawO
sounds so much better comin from a blonde
no hard feelings
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him; he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die?"
She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."
-------------------------------
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. So there Ah Beng was, telling and bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. "This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!" "Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian. "Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!" So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!" So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post. "Alamak! What are u doing?!!! U Siao Char Bo! U see lah!!! Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng. "Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"*
The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough lifeboats. So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children. To the British he said, "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped. To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied. To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed. To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged. Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal: "Free life jackets for those who jumped."
3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the army's supply base to collect their underwear. Their sergeant was there to aid the supplies.
Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwear you need ah?
Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen(sergeant)!
Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?
Ah Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day one.
Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwear?
Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen!
Sergeant: (curious) How come six?
Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday I wear sarong.
Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many underwear dah dei?
Tambhi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!
Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why do you need so many for?
Tambhi: January, February, March.....One month one.
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien meaning Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were indignant and kicked up a big fuss, claiming that the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down. Finally, after many hours of talking, the manager managed to find out that the Ah Bengs were actually asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.
One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey of a building and wanted to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they were not English-educated, they were puzzled and really had no idea what does the letter G mean. Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian, "Wow, how you know one?" The first Ah Lian reply smugly, "Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..."
Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated from Law school and decided to apply for a job in the most prestigious "Lee & Lee Law Firm" company. During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at Santa Singh's resume, thinks for a while and said, "Well, I would need to discuss your application with my wife. " And went off to discuss Santa's application with his wife. Lee KY's wife said, "C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning with 'Lee' only? Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!" So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection. Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request for another interview and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire.......' when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just changed my name. Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, "What is your new name then?" On this, Santa Singh replied 'Surname Lee, Last name, Manga!' (Manga-Li)
Posted by Eleventy7
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the
clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends
new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a
stockbroker,and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care
of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons.
How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay
bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled
about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends
gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.
Posted by N.M.E.
Sorry..I didnt get any of those jokes ShawO :P