Posted by vimto2000
In an English train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a
spectacular looking blonde and an awful looking
fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass
through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When
they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
1) The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and
by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must
have
slapped his face".
2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the
blonde and she smacked him".
3) The Frenchman thought - "That f'ing Englishman put his hand on that
blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
4) The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
smack that French twat again".
Posted by vimto2000
On a Greyhound bus headed who knows where, three strangers
meet and start conversing about the recent worldly events.
The strangers were of varying cultures. One was a native
American. Another was a cowboy from Texas. The other person
was a devout Muslim. During their conversation, they began
to discuss their cultural history. The native American stated,
"once my people were many, now we are few." The Muslim then
chimed in and said, "once my people were few and now we are
many." The cowboy looked at the Muslim and said with a sly
grin, "that's cause we ain't played cowboys and Muslims, yet!"
***********************************************************************
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at
the windshields of air-liners, military jets and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a
gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed
into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through
the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded
itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The
horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along
with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for
suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."
*************************************************************************************************************
One of the city's top cardiac specialist died. At his
funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mockup
of a heart made up of red flowers. When the pastor finished
with his sermon, and after everyone said their good-byes,
the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the
heart closed again.
At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a fit of
laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to
him asked, "Why are you laughing?"
"I was just looking forward to my own funeral," the man replied...
"I'm a gynecologist."
Posted by brownjs
ha ha ha ha great jokes more more
Posted by vimto2000
A letter to the editor of The Times
Sir,
Driving to the office this morning on the M5, I looked over to my left and
there
was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85 KM/H with her face up next to
her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!
It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of
trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering
wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the
coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone and! DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by vimto2000
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went
to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty
Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled
labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since
diesel
fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his
pay.
The Clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters
are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts
them over his head and says, "Yah, diesel fitter."
*********************************************
Doctor David Wilson had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty
all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while
he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:
"David, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one
of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it
go......"
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"David, you're a vet...."
Posted by vimto2000
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately
falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, sir, you should know five things....
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Posted by vimto2000
A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...
Mr Smith: I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results.
Receptionist: Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2
sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which is yours.
I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One set shows Alzheimer's
Disease, the other shows AIDS.
Mr Smith: That's awful! What should I do?
Receptionist: The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town.
If she finds her way home, don't shag her.
Posted by vimto2000
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room
for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the
channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What they on about?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?
Posted by vimto2000
http://www.tv4.se/lattjo/kojan/bilbanan.asp
Something for when you get bored!!!
Posted by vimto2000
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar
counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya...Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and a
redhead came up to me... boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a
ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave, I turned off the key and I said 'It's either
screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end
of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.
Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came
up to me, boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can
have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one.
I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She
couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there
cryin' over a beer.
Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to
me...boobies WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here. I had more
wood than my boat does!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you
can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,Dave, way WAAAYYY
out...much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at
her boobies and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.... She had a d!ck, Dave! She had
this great BIG f##ken d!ck!........
And I can't swim Dave! I can't f##ken swim man!!!!!!"
Posted by vimto2000
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented
the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took
him to catch them.
- "Not very long," answered the Mexican.
- "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the
American. The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet
his needs and those of his family.
The American asked:
- "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
- "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta
with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends,
have
a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life."
The American interrupted:
- "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by
fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With
the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the
larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on
until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to
a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and
maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and
move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can
direct your huge enterprise."
- "How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
- "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
- "And after that?"
- "Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the
American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start
selling stocks and make millions!"
- "Millions? Really? And after that?"
- "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the
coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a
siesta,
and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
Posted by vimto2000
Traditional Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the
milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION #2 aka The Enron Venture Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights
of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman
Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual
report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you
with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create
clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for
lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others
for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who
reported the numbers.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory,
an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their
calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
Posted by vimto2000
I think thats enough for today!! lol
Posted by mhorton
God you have been busy
Posted by vimto2000
Just a few of the office emails that fly around!
Posted by vimto2000
Just a few of the office emails that fly around!
Posted by mhorton
That's where I get most of mine from
Posted by Psykotik
How do you drown a dumb blonde?
Sellotape a mirror to the bottom of a swimming pool.
Theres the Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman and Santa Claus is a lift, theres a wallet on the floor. Which one picks it up?
The Perfect Man of course, the other two are fairy tales!
Ghandi walked around a lot in his life time yes? So he must have had calloused feet. He was also a highly religious man. And as he didnt eat very often he must have had bad breath.
Does that mean he is a Super Calloused Hedonistic Cursed With Hallitosis?
Posted by Psykotik
How do you drown a dumb blonde?
Sellotape a mirror to the bottom of a swimming pool.
Theres the Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman and Santa Claus is a lift, theres a wallet on the floor. Which one picks it up?
The Perfect Man of course, the other two are fairy tales!
Ghandi walked around a lot in his life time yes? So he must have had calloused feet. He was also a highly religious man. And as he didnt eat very often he must have had bad breath.
Does that mean he is a Super Calloused Hedonistic Cursed With Hallitosis?
Whats the difference between pink and purple?
Grip!
Whats 12 inches long and makes women scream all night long?
Cot death!!
Posted by Psykotik
Whats the difference between a night with a prostitute and bungee jumping?
Nothing, both cost £45, both last 45 seconds and if the elastic breaks your f**ked!
Posted by mhorton
Posted by Eamonn
A-Bomb crap
This one shoots straight down at close to the speed of sound, resulting in a mushroom cloud of water that soaks your cheeks, the backs of your thighs, and (if you're unlucky) your trousers.
Above-the-rim crap (or the Other rim job for you naughty 'uns)
This exotic turd should be in Ripley's Believe it or Not! Everything feels normal while you're doing the dirty deed, yet when you stand up, you notice that your turpid torpedo has left a skid mark all the way up the side of the bowl and on the rim, as well, despite the clearly clean separation of the putrid projectile from your back passage. Because your crap has left its mark above the rim, no amount of flushing will help you - this one requires a good deal of effort with the toilet brush to erase the evidence.
Alcatraz crap
These huge multiple pieces of crap tear your rectum, causing you to bleed and making you feel like you were repeatedly gang-raped by sex starved prisoners.
A New Land Is Born crap
You crap so much that when you look into the bowl, you can't see any water at all. Columbus couldn't have been prouder.
Air crap
The kind were you fell so bloated that you figure you've really got to dump a big load. But when you get on the pot all you do is fart up a storm - this happens most often after you come home from a long road trip, and everyone's waiting for you to get out.
Almost-there-but-reluctant-to-drop crap
This is the kind of crap that is just about to be released, when all of a sudden it stays there between the water and your ass as if it were in limbo.
Anonymous crap
You get this one in big Dilbert-type office buildings: Noxious fumes flood the entire site, but nobody knows who did it.
Archer, The***
Behaves perfectly until it hits the toilet, at which point it shoots a single drop of cold water right up your still-open bunghole. A chilling experience.
Banana split crap***
One of the rarest craps around. A combination of precise conditions must coincide to execute the banana split crap. Firstly, the turd must be of a soft but NOT sloppy consistency. Secondly, you must have been sitting down for a prolonged period in humid conditions (warm office, summer driving, etc) such that a butt hair has become cemented across your back passage. When you eventually go for a crap, a remarkable "cheesewire" effect ensues and you end up with a longitudinally bisected pair of half-turds in the toilet.
Banana no-split crap***
Similar to the above, but the turd is too firm for the cheesewire effect to take place. Instead, one sits on the toilet screaming "ooch ouch ooch" until the pube either becomes unstuck or is pulled out at the root.
Beer-drunk-and-meat-pie crap
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your crap doesn't smell too bad but this one is really bad.... Usually this one happens at someone else's house with someone waiting outside, waiting to use the bathroom.
Box 'o chocolates crap
You never know what yer gonna git...
Bullet-in-a-gun crap
Most frequent in really warm weather... As soon as you sit on the can, it shoots out faster than a speeding bullet.
Bung burner
That painful, acidic crap that makes you feel like you wiped your bunghole with sandpaper.
Cannon crap
This crap is halfway out then is shot out of your butt like a cannonball by a loud fart. This usually happens when someone is waiting outside the door.
Cement block crap
The pain of childbirth has nothing on this one: You feel like your sphinchter is being stretched to previously unknown proportions, as if the crap were trying to exit your rectum sideways. You wish you had gotten a spinal block before you crapped.
Chinese crap
You crap once and then, an hour later, you have to crap again.
Cold-ass crap
When you hear the call of nature in the middle of the night, and don't want to turn any lights on, but some *#§&! left the seat up (see the Feminist crap below) - your bowels react to the shock by violently expelling their contents before you have a chance to jump up.
Cop-stopper crap (also known as the Commuter)
You're crusing along, minding your own business, when you hear Nature's call. Rather loudly, in fact. In your efforts to avoid soiling your shorts, you drive a bit faster than you should, and get pulled over. Cops are wont to let you go in such situations (not least because the passenger compartment is quite woofy by now).
Cork crap (also known as the Floater)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in the bowl... My God! How do I get rid of it?
Corn crap
No explanation needed for this one - just visualize it...
Coocoo crap (also known as the Swiss)
When you have to go really bad for a long time, but it won't come out right away, so you push real hard until it's about halfway out, then you stop pushing and it gets sucked back in.
Courtesy flush crap
When you're in a public lavatory and the stench being emitted from your anus is worse than open sewer plus fish stand, and you are simply overcome by your philanthropic urges (or embarassed as hell).
Crap of steel (also known as the Godzilla)
This one is so big and hard you need the jaws of life to get it out.
Curly-whirly crap ***
A number of factors, including the turd consistency and general condition of your rosette, may contribute to this phenomenon. One way or another, the turd contrives to curl upon exit. The first thing you know about it is when something taps you gently on one buttock.
Deja vu crap
You just swear you've seen this one somewhere before...
Dodgeball crap or Cluster bomb crap
This kind of crap comes out in about 100 pellets. The first 50 pellets soak your cheeks massively. Having learned from this, you try to dodge the last 50 pellets by pushing each one out about half way, then pushing real hard and jumping up real quick.
Energizer crap (also known as the Mud-Bunny)
It keeps going... and going... and going...
F-19 crap
Jalepeno peppers cause this one. A not so subtle reminder the day after you eat too much Mexican food. Your ass flares - flames come out - in no time at all, you're going through the ceiling at mach-1. Recommended vendor to achieve this crap:
False alarm crap
When out of the blue, you have to crap so bad you think you'll blow a hole in your pants, but as soon as you drop your drawers, the sensation goes away. Likes to repeat itself as soon as you've left the bathroom and gone back outside.
Family tree crap
You could swear it looks just like dear old Aunt Enda. And wouldn't you know it - it clogs up her john, too.
Feminist crap
Yells at you for leaving the seat up.
Fireball crap
Shoots out so fast, you think you set fire to your intestines through sheer friction...
Flu crap
You're so feverish, you can hardly get up in response to your rumbling stomach... as you rush to the bowl, you feel both the first signs of upchuck up above and the bubbly mass down below that says this one's pure liquid, baby. Better hope that you're real limber (or are lucky enough to have the sink basin right next to the toilet - and a very understanding cleaning woman).
Fly, The
This one sticks to the side of the bowl above the water line (how the hell did it get there?!?). Repeated flushing can't defeat it, so you're forced to reach for the coat hanger to knock it down.
Gas Chamber, The*
Found in seldom used and never cleaned outhouses at fishing camps in the deep south. This fetid pile of refuse creates such an overwhelming stench that when you open the door your eyes immediately begin to water, and you begin to choke as your lungs instinctively rebel against the poisonous gas.
Ghost crap
You know you've crapped. There's crap on the toilet paper but none in the toilet.
Gooey crap
This has the consistancy of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This crap leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet and normally occurs when the phone is ringing.
Grandpa-Killer crap
Every wonder why the elderly have to take all those stool softeners? This one can give them massive strokes because of its gigantic proportions.
Handi-Capable crap, The +* (also known as the "Special" crap)
This is an event in which you feel the onset of a crap so powerful that you have to use the handicapped stall due to the special requirement for handrails. This ensures that you can somewhat mitigate the torso spasms that result from the undue strain as you grind out this huge & painful turd.
Hellraiser crap
Hurts so much you'd swear you were giving anal birth to Pinhead.
Hitchhiker crap
This one makes you feel like you have to crap before you need to go somewhere, but you can't really, but as soon as you're halfway to your destination, it demands to be dropped immediately.
Hit a dime at ten feet through a screen door crap
This is an actual description from a confederate soldier in the Civil War, in a letter home to his mother, when describing the effects of having to eat vegetables that weren't yet ripe (primarily green corn).
Holy crap!
Makes you pray to God for death or deliverance.
Inside-out crap
You're taking care of business in a big way, doing numbers one and two at the same time. All of a sudden, a powerful sneeze overtakes you. You spend 5 minutes wiping your nose and getting your colon and urethra back into place.
Jack-in-the-box crap*
You flush it. It disappears. Suddenly it pops back out again.
King Kong or Commode blocker crap
This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of crap usually happens in someone else's house.
Lacerate your anus crap
Feels like you're giving anal birth to a wad of steel wool with thumbtacks thrown in for good measure. If you insist on wolfing down your food like that, at least chew your Doritos more thoroughly!**
Lincoln log crap
So big and round and hard, you could build a house with it!
Little Dutch boy crap (also known as Sentinel or Guardian of the gate)***
This tiny, round, hard nugget of a turd seems so insignificant that you wonder why you even bothered going to the toilet. It is only when you finally squeeze him out that you realise he was holding back two liters of scorching, smelly, brown, frothy liquid.
Lyin' piece o' crap
This little guy deceives you into thinking he's only a harmless little fart, but when you let him loose he reveals his true identity, and you have to walk around bowlegged with your underwear sticking to your butt until you can find a bathroom.
Magnet crap
Sticks to the bowl below water level and can't be flushed unless it is removed from bowl wall with a coat hanger.
Mathematical crap
So hard you have to work it out with a pencil! (Think about it...)
Mister Happy***
This crap is quite content to stay where it is, requiring no effort on your part and giving you a big smile all day. If you see a colleague smiling for no readily apparent reason, you can bet that he or she is sitting on a Mr. Happy and looking forward to 5.00pm.
Moose turd crap
This kind of crap comes out in about 20 small little pellets that splash the water and soak your ass. Submitted by an astute surfer in Alaska, of course!
Mystery crap (also known as the X-Files crap)
I don't remember eating that!
"Oops, I swallowed my gum" crap
Damn, it wasn't that color when I was chewing it...
Pike's Peak crap
This crap reaches such majestic proportions, it almost touches your ass.
Pissing-rusty-water-out-of-your-ass crap
And I'll bet you didn't think porcelain could rust...
Pop-a-vein-in-your-head crap
This one is the kind that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.
Reincornation crap
No matter how thoroughly you chew your corn when you eat it, this crap still contains whole pieces of corn. One for the X Files...
Pop'n'fresh crap
The kind of crap that looks so much like the Pillsbury Doughboy that you just have to poke it to see if it goes: "WOO HOO!!!"
R.O.V. crap***
This turd begins its journey around the U-bend before it has even finished leaving your bum. A favorite with explorers.
Right now crap
You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet, usually it has its head out before you get your pants off.
Roadside crap
When you're tooling down the highway in the middle of nowhere (you passed the last rest area 100 miles back) and you get a bad case of the juicy farts...
Salvador Dali crap
Comes out in strange, surrealistic colors. A strong indication that you took at least one too many 'shrooms last night.
Scary crap
Ever heard of the the phrase "Scared the crap out of me..."? 'nuff said.
Second thought crap
You're all done wiping and you are about to stand up when you realize you've got more.
Share with others crap
This one's just too good to ban to the sewers right away. You really should spray paint it and put it on a pedestal in your living room, but instead you decide to just leave it in the toilet for your roommate/housemate/spouse to find a few hours later.
Shit that Dreams Are Made of, The+*
After feeling the pressing need to take a huge dump, one is very occasionally rewarded by the shit that dreams are made of. This pleasant turd is rock solid in consistency, just thick enough as to be meaty without causing anal discomfort, and falls out in one swift & comfortable movement, yet slipping silently into the water like an olympic diver who produces no splash. This defecation barely causes the lucky dumper to break a sweat, much less groan in agony. In fact, this stunning bowel movement has often elicited happy, yummy noises of disbelief and marvel at what a perfect turd one has had the pleasure of producing. If you are wondering if you've been lucky enough to experience this dreamy shit, you'll know for sure if it takes less than two squares of toilet paper to wipe up afterwards, as this glorious mud-bunny produces virtually no skid. To hell with that new BMW M1 - this is truly the shit that dreams are made of!
Snake crap
This crap is fairly soft and about as thick as your thumb and at least 3 feet long.
Spikey crap (also known as the Tree-hugger)
When this one comes out, it scrapes your bunghole like a wire brush. A sure sign that it's time to cut back on that high-fiber diet...
Splatter crap
This crap usually occurs after eating something that doesn't agree with your stomach. The morning after, you feel a tremendous pressure build up and have to get to the toilet REAL quick where everything is over within 2 seconds and you have decorated the toilet along with the cheeks of your backside.
Stall, The***
Robust and sizeable, this turd starts out well but then gives up halfway. You are left not knowing whether to pull it out or shove it back.
Stonehenge crap
You sometimes see this one after you've been "congested" for a couple of days and finally get the lead out: you drop so many medium-sized turds that you can build a stone circle. Will become an object of wonder for sewer workers about 5,000 years from now.
Teflon-coated crap
Comes out so slick clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No traces of crap are on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.
Titanic crap
This one is so big you must christen it before saying, "Bon Voyage", then it breaks in two before sinking.
Trumpet Quartet with Percussion Crap
This one is accompanied by such loud farting, you feel like the whole building is shaking. Don't be surprised at the round of applause that greets you when you emerge from the commode unscathed!
Tubthumper, The*
This type of crap hits you so fast that you dash full speed into the bathroom pulling your pants off as you run; you hit the toilet seat at Mach 3 causing it to break completely off thereby hurling you into the bathtub at which point the pain of impact causes your bowels to empty.
Turdsicle, The (This one is really gross)
When you've taken your favorite bed bunny up the Hershey highway and pull your tool out, only to discover it's been chocolate-coated. Next time, don't forget the enema beforehand.
Two-Tipper, The
This one's kind of curled like a banana, with both ends above water. If you see this one, you might want to cut back on the iron supplements.
Weight Watchers crap
You crap so much that you lose several kilos and feel a bit light-headed afterwards.
Wet cheeks crap
This crap hits the water sidewards and makes a big splash that gets your cheeks all wet.
Whipped cream crap
A true masterpiece - as the name implies, were it not brown, you could use it to decorate a cake.
Wish crap
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times - but no crap.
X-Files crap
A gigantic crap found floating in the bowl after someone under the age of 8 leaves the bathroom. Mulder will definitely enjoy solving this one.
Posted by lor
Bumper Sticker #1
1. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
2. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
3. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
4. Ax Me About Ebonics
5. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
6. Boldly Going Nowhere
7. Cat: The Other White Meat
8. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
9. Don’t Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
10. Heart Attacks ... God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
11. Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
12. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
13. If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
14. Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
15. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
16. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
17. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
18. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
19. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
20. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
21. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
22. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
23. So you’re a feminist...Isn’t that precious.
24. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
25. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
--------------------------------------
Bumper Sticker #2
1. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
2. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
3. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
4. The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
5. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
6. Illiterate? Write For Help
7. Honk If Anything Falls Off
8. Cover Me I’m Changing Lanes
9. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
10. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
11. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
12. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
13. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
17. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong...
18. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!!
19. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
20. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
---------------------------------------------------
Bumper Sticker #3
Bumper stickers #3
1. Constipated People Don’t Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause people.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
13. If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
15. It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You’re Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
Posted by lor
There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
The first lady immediately had a stroke.
Then the second lady also had a stroke.
But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
------------------
Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history,and logic.
“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascination’ thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logic class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. “So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.
“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”
------------------------
Once upon a time a bear and a bunny rabbit were out together in the woods taking a poop. The bear asked the bunny, "Do you ever have a problem with poop getting on your fur?"
The rabbit replied, "of course not!"
So the bear grabbed the bunny and wiped his butt with him.
--------------------------
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us.
--------------------
A man is jogging in the park when he comes across a 98 year old man weeping on a park bench. The jogger stops to see if he is ok.
The old man replies “Life couldn’t be better. I’m living with a nineteen year old nymphomaniac! In the morning when I wake up we have sex. Then she brings me breakfast in bed. After breakfast we have sex again and I have my mid-morning nap.” He continued “We normally eat out for lunch at a nice restaurant and then it’s back into bed for ‘afters’. Then I spend the afternoon watching sports or old movies before she cooks dinner for me...” “...Oh, did I mention she was a gourmet chef? After dinner we have sex again and I finally collapse in bed exhausted and ready for a restful nights sleep.”
Surprised, the jogger asks “That’s my idea of bliss! Why in the world are you so upset?”
Through his tears the old man weeps “I can’t remember where I live!”.
----------------------
President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school, and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. The students and their teacher are in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy, " so the president asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No" says Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
-------------------------
It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.
“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.
“That’s cool.” says Bobby.
Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says “Whaaaat?”
“Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”
Bobby’s eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying “Have a good evening kids,” with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”
-----------------------
A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman. "How do you plead?" asked the judge. "Guilty or not guilty."
"Not guilty," replied the man.
"On what grounds?" queried the judge.
"I didn't think she was dead....I thought she was an American."
------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one! said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
------------------
Bob, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day when he spotted another man outfitted to jump wearing dark glasses, carrying a white cane and holding a seeing-eye dog by a leash. Shocked that the blind man was also going to jump, Bob struck up a conversation, expressing his admiration for the man's courage. Then, curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is getting close?"
"Easy," replied the blind man. "The leash goes slack."
------------------
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband!
The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"
-------------------
At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
----------------------
Posted by lor
Hi,
I am a lazy virus. It is a pleasure meeting you.
Please take the following steps now:
1. Save this text into a file and name it virus.txt
2. Send the file to a bunch of people through email
3. Delete some random essential files on your computer.
I would do all this myself, but well, frankly, I'm too lazy.
Have a good day,
The virus
Posted by lor
Why fishing is better than sex:
You don't have to hide your fishing magazines.
It's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to fish with you once in a while.
Your fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.
It's perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger.
When you see a really good fisher person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you fishing in boat together.
If your regular fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you fish with someone else.
Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you fish by yourself.
You can have a fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell fishing jokes, and invite co-workers to fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
There are no fishing-transmitted diseases.
If you want to watch fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
Your fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just fished last week! Is fishing all you ever think about?
-----------------------
The Irish Artist
A couple are attending an art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black penis." The Irish artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting.
They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."
----------------------
A fireman and his wife were bored with their sex life so he tried to liven it f up by incorporating the bell system that was used at work. At the firehouse when ~ the first bell rings, everyone runs to the trucks; on the second bell, they gear up; and : on the third bell they jump on the trucks and head for the fire. So he went home and told his wife: "I've got this great idea to spice up our sex life. We're gonna use the bell system. When I shout "bell one", you run into the bedroom; when I shout "bell two", you take off your clothes; and when I call "bell three", you jump on the bed ; and we make passionate love."
The next evening he got home from work and immediately shouted "bell one". His wife ran into the bedroom. Then he called out "bell two" and she took off her clothes. Then he yelled "bell three" and the pair leaped on the bed together and started making love. But no sooner had they started than she suddenly cried: "Bell four, bell four!" "What the hell's bell four?" he gasped.
"More hose! More hose! You're nowhere near the fire!"
On the night before his wedding, the shy young man thought he ought to ask his father what was expected of him in the bedroom.
"What exactly do I have to do?" he asked tentatively. .
"Well, Son," said his father. "You remember what you used to play with as a teenager? All you do is stick that where your wife pees." So the following night the young man threw G.I. Joe down the toilet.
------------------------
A couple went to an agricultural show one weekend and watched the auction of some prize bulls. The auctioneer announced that the first bull had reproduced 72 times last year. "Hey," said the wife, nudging her husband. "That's six times a month. A pity you can't match that." The next bull for auction was revealed to have reproduced 144 times last year. The wife prodded her husband again. "Did you hear that? Twelve times a month! He's way out of your league."
Then a third bull was led around. The auctioneer proudly stated that the animal
had reproduced 365 times last year. The wife elbowed her husband hard in the ribs. "Three hundred and sixty-five 1 times!" she exclaimed. "That's every day of the year. That really puts you to shame." By now, the husband was thoroughly irritated by the jibes. "Sure. Great," he said ; icily. "But I bet it wasn't all with the same cow."
----------------
A man living on the second storey of an apartment block was leaning out of the window one morning to check whether it was raining when a glass eye suddenly fell into his hand. Looking up, he saw a girl peering down from four storeys above. "Is this yours?" he called out. "Yes," she replied. "Hold on," he said. "I'll bring it up to you." So he took the glass eye up to the girl's apartment. She invited him in and they started chatting. Not only was she extremely grateful to him but she also found him incredibly attractive and so she asked him out to dinner that evening. He readily accepted. The meal was a great success and afterwards she suggested they go back to his place and go to bed. She stayed the night and when she left the following morning, he said: "I'm sorry but I have to ask. Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
-------------------------
A young couple on their first date had sex which was over in a matter of seconds. Feeling rather proud of himself, the boy said: "If I'd known you were a I virgin, I'd have taken more time." The girl replied: "If I'd known you were going to take more time, I'd have taken off my panty hose."
------------------
The headmistress of a girls' school asked a male friend who was an author to give a talk to the pupils about sex. After much persuasion, the man agreed but was too embarrassed to tell his wife. So he told her that he was addressing the school on sailing and wrote an appropriate entry in his diary for that day. The day after the talk, the headmistress met the wife in the street. "Your husband was wonderful yesterday, so illuminating. I know my girls learned a lot from him."
"I can't think how," said the wife. "He's only tried it twice. The first time he was sick and the second time he lost his hat."
--------------
A middle-aged man was told at the hospital that he had only 24 hours to live. He went home in a state of shock and fell into his wife's arms. "I've been told I've only got 24 hours to live," he said. "Can we have sex one last time?" "Of course, honey," she said, and they went to bed. Four hours later, he turned to her and said: "Could we have sex again? I've only '" got 20 hours to live. It will probably be our last chance." "Sure, honey," replied his wife and they had sex. - Eight hours later, he asked her. "Do you think we could have sex one more time? -, After all, I've only got 12 hours to live." I "OK," said the wife and they had sex. Four hours later, he nudged her in bed. "I just realized I've only got eight hours to live. Could we have sex one last time?" "Very well," she sighed. "It's the least I can do in the circumstances". Four hours later, he woke her again. "I've only got fours to live. Would you mind if we had sex just one more time, our final act of love?" " This was too much for the wife. "Listen," she snapped, "you may not have to get up in the morning, but I do!"
-----------------------
A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex." Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."
-------------------------------
Superman was bored because Batman and Spiderman were on vacation and there was nothing much to do. Flying around New York one day, he spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back with her legs apart on the roof of a tall building. He had always lusted after Wonder Woman so he thought he would swoop down and have his wicked way with her. "What was that?" said Wonder Woman afterwards. The Invisible Man climbed off her and said: "I dunno, but it hurt."
----------------------
A guy and his date were parked on a back road way out of town. Things started to heat up and he began to undo her dress. "I probably should have mentioned this before," she said, "but I'm a prostitute and if you want to have sex with me, it will cost you 20 dollars." The guy wasn't happy, but he paid up. Afterwards, he got dressed but just sat in the driver's seat without starting the engine. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the woman. "I probably should have mentioned this before," he replied, "but I'm a taxi driver and if you want to get back to town, it will cost you 30 dollars!"
-----------------------
A male market researcher was calling on homes on behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door."Do you use Vaseline?" asked the researcher. "Certainly," she said. "It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns." "And what about anything else?" he asked. "Like what?" He became embarrassed. "Well, sex, maybe." Oh, of course." she said. "I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out."
--------------------------
With his wife away on an overseas trip, a guy decided to take his secretary back to his house for an evening of passion. They were rolling around on the bed when he suddenly remembered he didn't have any condoms. I "What are we gonna do?" he said. "I don't know," answered the secretary. "I don't have any either."
Just then he hit upon an idea. "Hey'" he yelled exultantly. "No problem. I know where my wife keeps her diaphragm. You can use that." So he searched the top drawer of the dressing table where the wife always kept her contraceptive device but it was nowhere to be found. After 20 minutes, he gave up. "Goddam bitch!" he snarled. "She's taken it with her. I always knew she didn't trust me!"
------------------------
A guy was told he had just 24 hours to live, so he decided to go home and make passionate love to his wife. He crept into the bedroom, slid into bed and for the next three hours enjoyed the wildest sex he'd ever experienced. Finally exhausted, he crawled into the bathroom where he was surprised to find his wife lying in the bath with a mudpack on her face. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Sssh!" she said. "You'll wake my mother."
-------------------
A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck' to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed: "What the hell's the matter with you two?.Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!" The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
----------------------------------
A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains. "Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor. "Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style." "I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?" "Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!"
-----------------------
Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters." So Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need." So Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now?" he asked. "Who needs girls?" said Pinocchio.
--------------------------------
If men got pregnant:
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay
Children would be kept in hospital until toilet trained
Natural childbirth would become obsolete
All methods of birth control would be 100 per cent effective
Men would be eager to talk about commitment
There would be a cure for stretch marks
They'd serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes
Men wouldn't think twins were so cute
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10 p.m.
Posted by vsnake
Why Football Is Played 45 Minutes!?!??
Guys. It's good research.
Test your brother, father, spouse and hear what they have to say.
Why football is played for 45 minutes?
Those who thought of this must have lots of time:
Why people play football for 45 minutes, not 30 minutes or 1 hour?
Even the sports scientist and some of the senior players could not
give the right answer.In that confusing situation one person came
up with a reasonable answer.
He said......."The reason people play this game for 45 minutes
is...
There are 2 teams and there are 11 players in each team. Each
player brings his own "2 balls" So in total there are 44 balls.
There is one ball on the ground itself. Thus the grand total is
45".
Question Answered !!!
Sometimes there is extra time of 2mins which is the referee's balls
Posted by vsnake
Father - Which part of the body goes to heaven first ?
kid - legs
Father - why legs
kid - because, i see mom every night with her legs up and screaming, oh god i am in heaven
kid - how baby comes into world
dad - i the moonlight, an angel comes to earth and leaves a kid in mom's lap
kid - you mean "fucking" is useless !!!!
Twins talking inside mother's womb
T1 - The place is shaking, daddy's here again, he is early today
T2 - Shhh, quiet, that's not daddy, daddy doesn't wear a raincoat
2 drunks staring into their drinks. One got a curios look and
said,"hey, have u ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it ?"
The other replied, "yep ! i have been married to one for years !!"
Q-what is the difference between a chicken and a baby ?
A-Chicken is the result of a sitting hen, while the baby is the result of a standing cock
Why do women wear blank panties ?
Its a way for them to say "in memory of those who were buried here"
one day a secretary saw her boss's pants unziped.
She said, "boss ur garage's door is open".
boss, "did u see my ferrari ?".
secretary, "no boss, i can see a scooter with two punctured tyres !!!"
boy goes for blood test. nurse takes sample and cannot find cotton, so she sucks his finger. Boy is so happy that he asks, "can i get a urine test done ?"
wife - u were so drunk last nigh that u insulted ur boss
husband - piss him
wife - u did that and he fired u
husband - f**k him
wife - i did that and you can go to work from tomorrow
Q-how do you know that the girl wearing a skirt is not wearing panties ?
A-by looking at dandruff on her feet
A guy takes woman to his room, puts his pants down and says,
"meet my little brother". woman picks up her bag and says, "so call me when he grows up !!!"
A 85 year old man gets sensation and wants to f**k his wife.
He says "i am going to buy 2 viagras"
Wife says, "if you are going to start that rusty thing again, i will have to take a tetanus injection"
Q-Who is the world's best goalkeeper ?
A-A woman
Q-why ?
A-Because, whichever way you f**k her, the balls just won't go in
Husband to wife - I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it
Wife - I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it
Posted by mhorton
Posted by mhorton
Not really a joke but good all the same
http://spikything.com/games/kickups/
Posted by lor
> SUCCESS:
> At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
> At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
> At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
> At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
> At age 35 success is . . . having money.
> At age 50 success is . . . having money.
> At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
> At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
> At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
> At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
>
> Ah so........
>
> Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to
> the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care
> of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their
> sons.
>
> The first man told the others "My son is a home builder, and he
> is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
>
> The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns
> a multiline dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a
> new Mercedes, fully loaded.
>
> The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is
> a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an
> entire portfolio."
>
> The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of
> taking care of business. The fist man mentioned, "We are just
> talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
>
> The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go
> dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he
> continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but
> he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a
> house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
>
> A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the
> interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down,
> the breeze was blowing through what was left of his
> hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle
> jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and
> blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch
> a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up
> further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality
> of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he
> thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took
> his license without a word and examined it and the
> car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my
> shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more
> paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your
> driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
> The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my
> wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying
> to give her back!"
> "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
>
>
Posted by mhorton
Every good
Posted by Unibond
Great jokes everyone
. I hope you don't mind but I'm sending them to my friends.
T.M.
[ This Message was edited by: Unibond on 2002-07-02 20:18 ]
Posted by mhorton
That's cool mate. Share them around
Posted by ShawO
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
Who Died the Worst Death?
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
[ This Message was edited by: ShawO on 2002-07-03 17:26 ]
Posted by lor
good one
hahahaha
man that was funny
Posted by andreaze
Det var en gång...och den var sandad
Posted by vimto2000
this a well funny link
http://www.rmccown.org/bob/rtfm.html
Posted by mhorton
The jokes are getting better and better, Keep them coming
Posted by lor
20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room
1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.
15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.
16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.
Posted by lor
5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
-----------------
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
------------------------------------
A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was so scared he practically soiled himself. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
-----------------------------------
A Group Of Four Very Close Friends
There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson, and a carpenter that met everyday for breakfast at a low income diner. They were all married except the salesman. When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife. The other three still met for breakfast when he was gone. An idea came up to play some practical jokes on the new married person.
"I'll make his bed slant so his bed will collapse when he is making love," said the carpenter.
"I'll hot wire his mattress so that he'll feel immence heat while making love.'
"Those are good ideas," said the dentist. "But I am not going to tell you what I'm going to do.'
The next day the salesman comes into the diner. He says "I congratulate you guys for making my bed collapse, and I thank you for making my bed really hot, but I'm going to kill the bastard who put novocaine in the vaseline."
--------------------------------
From Cradle to Ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
------------------------
Give Him What He Wants
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"
-------------------
Hired Help
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''
------------------------------------
How to Impress a Woman/Man
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
show up naked,
bring beer.
--------------------------
If Men Ruled the World
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
----------------------------
Losin' It
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."
-------------------------
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe; I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts; I can get where I want to -- north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers; and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear; I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my reflection; in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early; and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back; I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you; or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too; I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me; to have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball; it's more fun than dealing with women after all. I won't cry if you say it's not going to work; I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure; I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see; I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery. I don't get all bitchy every 28 days; I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true; I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am; I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections; I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown; and I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt; my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go around “re-adjusting” my crotch; or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back; when I lean over you can't see three inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb; I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side; I'm a woman, you know - I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me; to have these two boobs and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball; I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't tell you my wife just does not understand; or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep; then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see; forget all about that old penis envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks; join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true; I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
--------------------------
The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e.relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
--------------------------
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University:
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.] "
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
----------------------
Men vs. Women: Round 1
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
--------------------
Pharmacist Phun
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
------------------------
Punishment in Heaven
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
----------------------------
Six Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
THE DOCTOR because he says ''take your clothes off.''
THE DENTIST because he says ''open wide.''
THE HAIR DRESSER because he says ''do you want them teased or blown?"
THE MILKMAN because he says ''do you want it in the back or in the front?''
THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says''once it's in you'll love it.''
THE BANKER because he says ''if you take it out too soon you'll lose interest."
------------------------
Squeaky Clean
One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?
-------------------------
Talking Italian
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
----------------------------
Ten Cents
A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income. The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go whoring. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made.
"$398.10," she said.
"Who paid ten cents?" he asked.
"Everybody."
-------------------------------
The Devout Catholic Woman
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
"I mean her legs!"
----------------------------
The Lady and the Facelift
A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''?
The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.''
The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?''
The man replies, ''You're 37, right?''
The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.''
After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.''
So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!''
The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?''
The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''
-----------------------
The Model Lodger
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband? asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
--------------------------
The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
------------------
Tight Skirt, Bus Stop
One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
---------------------------
Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50
Sag! You're it!
Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
20 questions shouted in your good ear.
Kick the bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
Doc, doc, goose.
Simon says something incoherent.
Musical recliners.
Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
Hide and go pee!
--------------------------
Top 10 Things Only Women Understand
Cats' facial expressions.
The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
Fat clothes.
Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
Eyelash curlers.
The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
Other women.
--------------------
Woman Says, Man Hears
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, blah, blah, YOU AND I, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW.
-------------------
Women's English
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]
"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later
--------------------------------
Wonder Bra
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her tits went!
--------------------------------
Posted by lor
A Crappy Date (A True Story)
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
-------------------------------------------
Religious Views of the World
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucious says, shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Native American: What is the medicine of shit?
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Pantheism: It's all the same shit.
Atheism: I don't believe this shit. Agnosticism: What is this shit?
-------------------
A Few Good Lawyers
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
-------------------------
New Yorker
A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter.
The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?''
The Russian says, ''What's a steak?''
The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''
-------------------------
Mexican Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
--------------------
Mafia Christmas
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
--------------------
Canadian, Eh?
There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.
"You know," said one of the explorers, "we should name this place we're hiking through."
"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."
"Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh."
"N, eh."
"D, eh." And that's how they named Canada...
------------------------------
American in Mexico
There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"
--------------------------
A Little Testy
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''
''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.
---------------------------
Wonder Bra
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her tits went!
------------------------
40 Things Never Said By Southerners
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
-----------------
A Real Ball Buster
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”
-------------------------
Confucious Quotes
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with sticky fingers.
----------------------
Cows In Government
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
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Getting Down Under
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I've never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!”
-------------------
Hit TV Shows in Iraq
"Husseinfeld"
"Mad About Everything"
"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
"Suddenly Sanctions"
"Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"
"Matima Loves Chachi"
"Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
"Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
"Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
"Achmed's Creek"
"The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
"M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
"Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"
"When Kurds Attack"
"Just Shoot Me"
"My Two Baghdads"
"Diagnosis Heresy"
"Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"
"Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
"Totally Clothed Baywatch"
--------------------------
I Gonna Back to Italy
(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not piss on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: ''Peace unto you'' I say ''Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy''
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What a Scotsman Wears Under His Kilt
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
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Zambian Roulette
As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''
A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.
''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''
''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.''
''But my friend, where is the danger in this?''
Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''
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A Blonde's Brain At Work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
--------------------------------
From the WordPerfect Help Desk
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
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How To Sell Lawnmowers
A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.
The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."
After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."
The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"
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How to Sell a Bible
Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment.
So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?"
The boy stood up and said, "35."
"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.
"He looked at the secound boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, "75." "That is good," the preacher replied.
He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impedement said ''I-I-I s-s-sold 175.'' The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said ''I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them'''
--------------------------------
Phone Line
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''
''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''
-------------------
Mountain Bike
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."
---------------------------
Shoot The Pig
A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"
-------------------------
Top 20 Signs It's a Bad Day
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
Your paycheck bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.
--------------------------
Workplace Farting: Options Explored
Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.
Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.
Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.
Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.
- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.
Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.
Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.
Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.
And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.
Posted by lor
Why I Am So Tired
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes.
Posted by Beatrix
i don't know if this has been posted before... but here it goes...
What Not To Name Your Dog
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mineSex.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew
his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He
said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said,"But this is a dog!" He said
he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand.
I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a
kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told
the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room
for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the
dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there
looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told
me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I
had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog.
I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me
too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me
too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A
cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in
the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
Posted by evoke
Sorry if this had been posted before! I tried to read all the kjokes but I've got a short attention span!
> It's worth it if you haven't heard it...
>
> A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day.carrying a bag of
> money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to
> open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming
> and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office
> (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much
> she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash
> out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to
> how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised
> you're carrying so much cash around.
>
> "Where did you get this money?"
>
> The old lady replied, "I make bets."
>
> The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
>
> The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
> balls are square."
>
> "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that
> kind of bet!"
>
> The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
>
> Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
>
> The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money
> involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00
> AM as a witness?"
>
> "Sure!" Replied the confident president.
>
> That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long
> time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side,
> again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there
> was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
> The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with
> her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the
> president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are
> square!"
>
> The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop
> his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady
> peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well,
> Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you
> should be absolutely sure."
>
> Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against
> the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter
> with your lawyer?"
>
> She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at10:00 AM today,
> I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Ed
Posted by brownjs
ha aha great jokes
Posted by arroyootje
Those jokes were really funny guys!
@eamonn: Loved the crap ones!
A long time ago I received a really funny email about a guy on a building site who had loads of accidents in one day, does anyone here know what I'm talking about????
Posted by mhorton
It's not fair I haven't had any jokes sent to me for ages now. Sorry Guys
Posted by Beatrix
>Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some
>cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick
>them up, he noticed that Greg's wife, Dorothy, was not wearing
>any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table
>as he emerged rather red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the
>kitchen to get some refreshments. Dorothy followed him and asked,
>"Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"
>Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "You can have some,
>but it will cost you $100." After thinking about it for a minute,
>Jeff indicated that he was interested. She tells him that since
>Greg works Friday afternoons (and Jeff doesn't), he should come
>to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
>Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying
>her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours
>and then Jeff left. Greg came home about 6:00 PM and asked his
>wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"
>Totally shocked, Dorothy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few
>minutes." "Did he give you $100?"
>"Oh hell, he knows!" thought Dorothy. Reluctantly she said, "Yes,
>he did give me $100." "Good," says Greg, "He came by the office
>this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said he'd stop by our
>house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a
>friend you can trust."
Posted by brownjs
great joke hahaha