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Posted by arien617
Ahhh that's awful C***n!

Posted by fatreg
but funny Arien!

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect"

Posted by jcwhite_uk

On 2008-07-20 17:44:12, fatreg wrote:

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect"

You listen to wave 105 as well!

Posted by fatreg
ermm no, I stole it from another site....

Posted by Cycovision

A site that rhymes with "Peter" by any chance?

Two tramps are walking down the road...

"Hey, mick!" says the first tramp. "There's a pile of shit down there!"

"Nah, that's not shit." says Mick.

So the first tramp picks it up and rubs a small piece between his fingers.

"Feels like shit?", he says.

"Nah, it's not shit" says Mick.

So he takes a good, deep sniff and says: "Smells like shit?"

"It's not shit!" says mick.

So he takes a small bite and swills it around his mouth.

"Tastes like shit?" He says.

At which point Mick grabs it out of his hand, squishes it around, smells it, and places a bit in his mouth.

"My god!" exclaims Mick. "You're right! It is shit! Good job we didn't step in it..."

[ This Message was edited by: Cycovision on 2008-07-20 17:16 ]

Posted by fatreg
lovely cyco!

I'm still having sex at 87.

It's only across the road from us at number 84, but my wife still doesn't notice.

Posted by pmerryman
FemaleCompassion at it's BEST!

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his
wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said,
'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we
could make love again?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now
had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder
and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She
agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and
he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen
Barry, I'm not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you

Posted by Caspa

Posted by HornyNick
A couple are makng love one afternoon when their 7yo son walks in on them.
His dad laughs, throws a pillow at him and tells him to get lost.

Later that afternoon the dad walks past his sons bedroom and hears moaning, so he goes in to see whats happening.

He is horrified to find his son having sex with his grandma.

The son turns, looks at his dad and says "See, its not so nice funny when its your mother is it?"

Posted by fatreg
For my wife's last birthday I paid for her to have 10 sessions with a personal trainer.

Now when I say "heel!" she does as she's told.

Posted by fatreg
I'm very proud of my Grandfather. He shot down two German planes. Admittedly that was in 1972 but you can never be too careful.

Posted by fatreg
I find women are like lava lamps...

Very pretty to look at, just not very bright

/hides from Wifey..........

Posted by procterdc
You're playin with fire reggie lol

Posted by thomas93

Lol good ones.

(+8 -0) --Thomas--
K850i,BB 8800, N82,N95,N70,iPhone,PSP,Nano

Addicted to my Crackberry And I'm High from EEE Me like Apple Pie (Phone)

[ This Message was edited by: thomas93 on 2008-07-25 15:35 ]

Posted by Twometre
One day Dr Nelson Manndela, former South African president went to see patients in a phsycratic hospita.

He was late and the whole delagation was witing for him such that His welcome speech was as short as possible.
He went from domitre to domitre greeting all the patients.

Then when he was done he saw another man sitting at a distance on his own and he went to greet him because he assumed he was now ready to go home.
"Hi Sir," said Manndela stretching out his hand for a shake.

The man just frounned and look at him and said
"What is your name Sir,"

"Iam Dr. Nelson Manndela." answered Manndela

The man looked at him in great dissapointment and everyone was worried why then he said
"Dont worry Mr. whosoever you are, you will be fine because they work realy good here."

Everyone was worried and he continued

"When I first came here I also used to call myself Michael Jackson"

Posted by goldenface
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect pair of shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress in a sale in the second shop.

In the third everything was reduced to a fiver when her mobile rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had been involved in a terrible accident and was in a critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband where she was and that she would be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up, she realised that she was leaving what was turning out to be her best ever day in the shops. She decided to get in a few more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping for the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of cake, complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. The she remembered her husband and, feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted ' You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you ? I hope you are proud of yourself. While you were in town enjoying yourself your husband was languishing here in the Intensive Care Unit.

Well it's just as well you did because it's more than likely to have been the last shopping trip you will take. For the rest of his life your husband will require round the clock care and you will be his carer '

The woman broke down and sobbed

The female doctor chuckled and said ' I'm only pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy ?'

Posted by nicv27
Man goes for a complete sex change. After the operation, a mate rings and asks him ''Didnt it hurt when they chopped your Penis and Testicles off ?'' He replied, ''Not as much as when they shrank my brain and widened my mouth !''

Mick asks paddy Why dont u close Your curtains when u & ur lass r shagging ? Yesterday all the street watched u at it & laughed ! Well sed paddy the jokes on them i wasnt home yesterday

Posted by pmerryman
The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself. The
door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes
on - 5'9'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass
figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I
could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts
were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I
taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close
to me and sitting down.

She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took
my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and
down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel
good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good

"Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked
to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of
a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would
get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the
front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my
hand into her pert, perfect breast.

"How do you feel now," she purred.

"Okay," I

Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt
THIS good before!"

Unbelievably I heard myself saying, "Well, actually I have. In that
game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the
match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field,
where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few
defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a
few forwards, clipped the ball over their fullback, regathered and
scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds until full
time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at
goal with which to win the match and..."

"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed,
and pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of
her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft
cotton, and she was wet!!

She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass... have you ever felt such a

"I certainly have," I answered, "I missed the kick!".

Posted by HornyNick
A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, ''What size condoms?'' The customer replied that he didn''t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, ''One box of large condoms, Register 5.'' The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn''t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, ''One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'' A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn''t know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, ga ve him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said... (you''ll love this one...................)
''Cleanup, Register 5''

Posted by masseur
Re: My Last Year on the Computer

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poison in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician... Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain
activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

Posted by HornyNick
A little British humour

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged French womans poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no-one in particular "Americans are so rude. Mt little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman siting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seen to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wroong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

Thinking outside the box

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it does move and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

7. If you cant fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought:

Sompe people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Posted by gaming_guy

On 2008-08-16 12:22:11, HornyNick wrote:

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

then you will have the sh*ts!

Posted by procterdc

Daily Thought:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Absolutely brilliant lol

Posted by krlosRD
Hi people,

Do you know what the toilet said to Santa Claus the other day?

"...Oh, come on Santa, you always with the same gift "


End of Message.

Posted by shelly58
This one is for everyone who... a) has kids b) had kids c) was a kid d) knows a kid e) is going to have kids.

A business man was packing a bag for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, the man reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

He went back to packing, looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

He said, 'What's wrong, sweetheart?'

She replied, 'What happened to my bogey

Posted by HornyNick
A young guy pulls a woman in a club. She is 61 but looks good for her age. On the way back to hers he starts thinking that her daughter would look good. When they arrive at hers she asks " would you like a sportmans double?" Confused, he replies "whats that?"
she says "Its a mother and daughter threesome."
"Sure! that would be great!" he says.
they walk through the front door, she clicks the light on and shouts "Mum, are you still awake?"

Posted by fatreg
I apologise for this next one before I even post it.....

Another shit joke about cancer?

Oh goody

this is soooo close to the bone......

"I just don't get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick...... but no one says anything about Stephen Hawking being sh!t at football, do they?!"

Give credit where it's due, mate - he's great at dribbling.

The Romans didn't build an empire by having meetings, they did it by killing those who opposed them.

Daily Esato quiz...

[ This Message was edited by: fatreg on 2008-08-23 13:30 ]

Posted by HornyNick
A woman asks her husband, ''Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'' He declines. ''Thanks for asking, but I''m not hungry right now. It''s this Viagra,'' he says. ''It''s really taken the edge off my appetite.'' At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something.'' A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'' He declines. ''The Viagra,'' he says, ''really trashes my desire for food.'' Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. ''Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'' He declines again. ''No,'' he says, ''it''s got to be the Viagra . . . I''m still not hungry.'' Well,'' she says, ''Would you mind letting me up? I''m starving.''


Tips of the Day
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment,always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don''t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you''ll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place..

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don''t buy expensive ''ribbed'' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you''ve taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they''re always going on about how tofu,Quorn, meat substitute etc ''tastes exactly like the real thing'', they won''t know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you''d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements,tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Heavy smokers. Don''t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you''ll have enough to insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy ''Next customer Please'' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

A next door neighbour''s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to ''fast wipe'' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don''t know

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don''t panic.Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto!The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Posted by whizkidd
Dunno if this has been posted earlier..:

- I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
- I do physical labor.
- I work at great depths.
- I plunge head first into everything I do.
- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
- I work in a damp environment.
- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
- I work in high temperatures.
- My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
- You do not work 8 hours straight.
- You fall asleep after brief work periods.
- You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
- You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working.
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
- You will retire well before you are 65.
- You are unable to work double shifts.
- You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
- And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags

Posted by goldenface
LMAO! Suspicious looking bags...

Posted by shelly58
^ (whizzkid)

always look on the bright side of life...de dum..de dum..de dum..
Esato Feedback +5

[ This Message was edited by: shelly58 on 2008-08-27 17:11 ]

Posted by whizkidd
Ok here goes.... one more..

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

Posted by fatreg
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says
"Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says
"No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says
"Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says
"Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him,
breaking bottles over his little jelly head,
lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood, turns to Smartie and says
"I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was", says Smartie,

"but those Lockets are menthol!"

Posted by shelly58
Little Old Lady

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words,
what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on
my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since
my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that
I just laydown and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Posted by fatreg
'American English' seems to be a term used more and more often these days.

But why not just use 'illiterate'?

Posted by faultymonkey
Here's one with almost some taste...

What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics?

Having legs

Posted by pmerryman
Scouse Vasectomy.

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put
it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesborough, parts of Bradford and
anywhere in Wales,most southern States of USA,and Mexico

Posted by goldenface
But not Oldham? Cheeky git!

[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2008-09-04 15:03 ]

Posted by goldenface
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Posted by HornyNick
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn''t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate''s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk''s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
Council complaints - These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He''s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can''t take it anymore.

3. It''s the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

5. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it had backfired and burnt my knob off.

6. And their 18 yr old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job to satisfy my wife.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly, then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

19. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can''t get BBC2.

An Englishman,Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, ''''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought �300 worth of meat because it was on sale and we don''t even have a fridge to keep it in.''''

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.''''Just last week, she went out and spent �17,000 on a new car,'''' he laments

''''and she doesn''t even know how to drive!''''

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''''Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it,'''' he chuckles.''''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece,i watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn''t even have a penis!''''
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork''s hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ''Let''s be avin'' da fingers and I''ll see what oi can do''.

Paddy said, ''Oi haven''t got da fingers.''

''Whadda ya mean you haven''t got da fingers? Lord Tunderin'' Jaysus, it''s 2008! We''s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn''t ya bring da fingers?!?''

And Paddy said, '' How da fock was I ''spose to pick dem up?''

[ This Message was edited by: HornyNick on 2008-09-04 17:05 ]

Posted by goldenface

Posted by Muhammad-Oli

On 2008-09-04 18:03:27, HornyNick wrote:
6. And their 18 yr old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

Posted by gaming_guy

On 2008-09-04 18:03:27, HornyNick wrote:
21. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces

how does that work then?

Posted by procterdc
Complaint letter to Nestle

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing with regards to an advertising campaign employed several months ago. The television adverts in particular, featuring “Shreddies™”, to which the slogan was “Keep hunger locked up ‘till lunch ©.”

These interesting infomercials demonstrated a very practical factor of the wholesome yet surprisingly tasty and nutritious squares of shredded wheat I was previously unaware of. I am of course referring to the whole wheat malted cereals’ capacity to be encapsulate a blue (what I believed to be animated) hunger causing character, until my afternoon meal (AKA lunch).

The process in question included cunningly awaiting the arrival of the creature and allowing him to drum a catchy rhythm on ones stomach, before consuming a portion of the malted parcels of Nestle™ goodness. Thus causing the dramatic captivity of the darkly shaded founder of famine, rather like a snare or bear trap.

However, after purchasing several packets of the aforementioned morningtime mayhem prevention, (47 in total) and laying in wait for the small, yet highly strung menace of elevenses to appear, so I could witness the imprisonment of “hunger” for myself, as the above commercial advertises “Keep hunger locked up till lunch ©.”

The underrated terrorist of AM snack times failed to even rata-tat-tat on my kitchen window, let alone pitter-patter on my lower abdomen.

This has led me to find some holes in the fibre fortified goodies “ploy”.

1. Upon performing my own research, I have noticed that the slogan “Keeps hunger locked up ‘till lunch ©” has been abandoned, as the box clearly now states the simple, but law suit due to false advertising free, “Keeps hunger locked up ©”, which brings me onto my next point…

2. As the period of time hunger is to be locked up ‘till is now shrouded in mystery, I would like to hear from the horses mouth (providing the horse has not got a mouth full of Shreddies™, or isn’t busy being used as living bass drum), if the period of “hungers’ incarceration is indefinite? Or will this spoon wielding maniac be let out on remand for good behaviour for a probationary period?

3. Upon inspection of the brand name Shreddies™, I have noticed a hidden message encoded within. This message reads, “SHRED DIES”. This rather disturbing, yet quite frankly feeble attempt at a subliminal message could be gesturing towards a number of possibilities:

3a. “Shred” is none other than the zaney hunger-monger, and as the message encoded on the packaging reveals, he dies. Does this mean that the mad rumble merchant is on death row?

3b. could also be an out of date insight into the cartoon and film series “Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles™”. To which Nestle™ have “predicted” that the main villain (SHREDder) dies.

4. My intricate research shows that it is likely that Nestle™ have genetically engineered this peculiar percussionist to spread his evil hunger seed, forcing people to buy Shreddies™ under the pretences that ingesting the anti starvation agent will imprison the navy coloured ne’er do well. It is down to Nestles’™ advanced technology (adapted from Japanese televisions) that after a pre-set length of time, the fibre prison “breaks down” releasing the sky tinted psycho back into society and onto another unsuspecting office worker or innocent shopper.

I cannot help but wonder if the campaign has been a big scam to rob loyal customers such as myself of our time and money.

I eagerly await your reply, and hope that it will include some kind of compensation or some detailed instructions on how to correctly activate the brown criss-crossed style cereal into a climax resulting in my “locking up hunger©”. Please do not hesitate co contact me if you have any queries in the matter.

Yours Sincerely,

Robert Murphy.

Posted by procterdc
Complaint letter to Tampax (Hilarious)

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to you with regards to a new product of yours, namely “Tampax Compak ©”.

As a man with a “sweet tooth” (not literally). I like to occasionally rummage through my girlfriend’s handbag, for a confectionary item or two, as she too has a weakness for sugary treats, boiled sweets for example.

I’m sure already, you can tell where this is going.

Having just recently seen your televised public safety announcements/ infomercials regarding the dangers of the new Tampax Compak © (without however actually addressing the dangers themselves) I feel devastatingly ashamed and embarrassed to take you through the events that occurred just a few days ago. I would have telephoned your free advise line, I am however, still unable to speak.

Upon meeting my unusually aggressive and tense girlfriend at a café in blue water shopping centre, we sat down and ordered our coffees.

Noticing what I thought to be a “sachet” of sugar in my girlfriend’s handbag, I delved in and retrieved what seemed to be an ordinary “sachet” of sugar. Instinctively I began to shake the sachet to get all the sugar to one end. It was at this point SHE piped up, almost yelling, I quote: “I thought you were on a diet, give me that back!”

Looking rather flushed she snatched the “sachet” from my grasp and marched off to the toilets. Sugar in hand.

My initial reaction was of course anger, thinking she was poking fun at my weight problem. I then decided to relieve my anger by satisfying my “sweet tooth”. So I took my girlfriends absence as a good opportunity to get another “sugar sachet” (or two) from her handbag.

I was livid when I found she had a whole box of them! She was supposed to be on a diet too! “No wonder she keeps complaining if stomach ache!” I thought to myself as grabbed a handful.

Quickly yet easily snapping the end off the attractive plastic wrapper, I was disappointed to discover the absence of sugar, however all was not lost, as I was delighted to find within some kind of “suck sweet”. “I love boiled sweets!” I thought as I stuffed a few into my pocket for the boring shopping journey that lay ahead of me.

None the wiser, my girlfriend returned looking a lot less “concerned” and surprisingly comfortable. I assumed it was her love for shopping. We finished our unsweetened coffees and proceeded to our tedious shopping excursion.

Fifteen minutes into the journey she “just popped in” to boots ©, for something or other. While I just sat outside, bored, with only the sight of the pretty till workers to keep me occupied.

I remembered my sweets as a young girl sat next to me; I offered her one, only to get a dirty look and a back to me as she walked off.

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMEN!!??” I shouted at her as she walked away.

Shaking my head in disbelief I popped a “sweet” into my mouth.

I sucked the ‘sweet’ and remember pulling an unsatisfied face due to the lack of flavour. I only wish that was the only thing unsatisfactory.

From here the next few hours are a bit of a blur. I can only go by what till workers, shoppers have told me and the CCTV images I have observed.

TAMPAX© (no matter how COMPAK© they are) are extremely absorbent.

Lucky enough this “sweet” was only of the “regular” absorbency, which I’m told is best for light to medium flow. Light to medium flow of what? I still wonder.

When my girlfriend ran outside to see what the commotion was about, she fought through the already gathering crowd, only to see me. WITH A RAPIDLY EXPANDING TAMPON IN MY THROAT.

Within minutes, my lips had gone blue and I had lost consciousness. I am told I have my girlfriend to thank for saving my life, as it was her who discovered the empty “sachet” and realised the simple remedy to the situation.

She quick thinkingly had opened my mouth and had found the ironically named “removal chord” stuck to the roof of my mouth. She relaxed, and pulled the chord in the same direction I had “inserted” the tampon into my throat. A little bit of mouth to mouth resuscitation and I was back.

Luckily the only two things that were damaged were my throat (temporarily) and my ego, as you can imagine.

I cannot help but think that marketing such dangerous objects as “sweets” is asking for things like this to happen.

I eagerly await your reply, and hope that it will include some kind of compensation. Although I most certainly do not want any more of your “sweets”. Please do not hesitate contact me if you have any queries in the matter.

Yours Sincerely,

Robert Murphy

Posted by pmerryman
At a bus stop 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'

£5.00 says you're gonna read this again. . .

Posted by Muhammad-Oli

On 2008-09-05 16:08:48, procterdc wrote:
3. Upon inspection of the brand name Shreddies™, I have noticed a hidden message encoded within. This message reads, “SHRED DIES”. This rather disturbing, yet quite frankly feeble attempt at a subliminal message could be gesturing towards a number of possibilities:

3a. “Shred” is none other than the zaney hunger-monger, and as the message encoded on the packaging reveals, he dies. Does this mean that the mad rumble merchant is on death row?

3b. could also be an out of date insight into the cartoon and film series “Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles™”. To which Nestle™ have “predicted” that the main villain (SHREDder) dies.

Haha, that's the best bit. Even though the whole letter is brilliant.

Posted by Muhammad-Oli

On 2008-09-05 16:21:01, procterdc wrote:
I cannot help but think that marketing such dangerous objects as “sweets” is asking for things like this to happen.

I eagerly await your reply, and hope that it will include some kind of compensation. Although I most certainly do not want any more of your “sweets”. Please do not hesitate contact me if you have any queries in the matter.

That bit is great too.

Does Robert Murphy have any more of these letters? If so, where can I view them?

Posted by Muhammad-Oli
If quizzes are quizzical, then what are tests?

Posted by ripplestars
well tests will be testical but i was wondering if there is something like quizical

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