Posted by methylated_spirit
Any pant wettingly humourous close calls to share? Ever narrowly missed crapping yourself? Ever farted and followed through, with hilarious consequences? Share your anecdotes, capers, and hi-jinx with the "necessary place" here!
Posted by vanquish
school, 1998.
*cry*
Posted by methylated_spirit
details, my man, details!
Posted by axxxr
Thats a bit personal meths!
Posted by scotsboyuk
As much as I am not a fan of toilet humour (pun very much intended), here is a little anecdote that may make you chortle.
I was absolutely bursting for a bowel movement and as that wonderful feeling of relief washed over me after I had gotten to the nearest water closet I realised that there was no toilet paper!
I had only two options; either resort to the Arab tradition of using one's hand or using the only available piece of paper I had. Thankfully for me Scotland has bucked the trend of the rest of the UK and has kept pound notes!
_________________
"I may be drunk my dear woman, but in the morning I will be sober, and you will still be ugly." WSC
[ This Message was edited by: scotsboyuk on 2005-07-11 16:48 ]
Posted by haynesycop
rotflmao
loving it
Posted by amd1129
Lol
Posted by methylated_spirit
ahh, the queens head, im sure thats the last place you wanted to stick it!
Posted by scotsboyuk
@meths
Her Majesty's portrait wasn't on it, it was Lord Islay. Whilst I meant no disrespect to Lord Islay, I was desperate. If Her Majesty's portrait had indeed been on it then I would have used the Arab method. Plus, it is an offence to deface a portrait of the Queen.
Posted by vanquish
I farted and accidentally... came through... and... kids knocked down the doors for a joke and saw me.... weep!
but its okay now, lol, they were a bunch that left for a diff grammar school.
Posted by paulbang
@meth this will kill you.
In school, we had these divided toilets like in airports.
Rushed out of class - i wanted to get my bowels evacuated
Ran into the cubical pot and squirted out load- reminded me of the time when i used a larger hose pipe to water the garden. I think i caused a shit tsunami, i got my colon aireated, i was making to much noise and needed to do stealth shit i learned to do while playing splinter cell- on finishing up
i realised the taps were out- no water. Waited for 10 minutes when i heard someone occupy the next pot. I took out my hanky , wiped my butt and throw the dripy yet thing over to the other side (probably landed on the poor guys head) and stealthyly slipped away- james bond style
Posted by DJcreamz
| Quote: |
|
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAv
Posted by methylated_spirit
Oh how i love to hear all about your wees and poops! tell me more!
I'm "turtling" as i type, must dash! pebble dash, that is
_________________
Hello, Scroto!
[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2005-07-11 17:41 ]
Posted by paulbang
Who was that message directed towards?Meth- dj or me
Posted by methylated_spirit
It was just a general observation. just crimped off a good 'un, but not really noteworthy in a humourous way.
Posted by Cornholio_666
i was in my second year in secondary school in 99/2000, and i was in english. i was dying for a shit and my english teacher wouldn't let me go. i kept asking her and she eventually said okay. I nearly vomitted i needed a shit so bad. ran downstairs into bog and oh the relief!
Posted by methylated_spirit
Ooohhhh, one to savour!
I love the "exploders", you know where you just whip down the Y's in the nick of time and your bum cannon fires gobbets of hot, sticky mush all over the place. now THATS a shit to enjoy. Its not a real shit unless you need to take a shower afterwards.
Posted by paulbang
Not very funny. . . .Meth this is getting repetitive.
.
Posted by methylated_spirit
I can only show the way, 'tis for others to keep the torch blazing, and follow the true path to garbageness.
Posted by K700i_2004
just piss yourself, your never more than 8,000 miles from home unless your an astronaught
Posted by methylated_spirit
Well said!
Posted by great
What can you tell me about some rental toilets? Can someone help me? Thanks.
[ This Message was edited by: great on 2008-01-25 09:12 ]
Posted by methylated_spirit
Rental toilets! Aha, the 9th wonder of the world. Just don't lose your watch, the chemicals will burn your hand into a wee painful stump. Porta-loo's were invented in 1436 by Keith Chegwin, however they were not very successful until he appeared naked on that attention-grabbing show on Channel 5. Attention-grabbing it might have been, but sales of chemical toilets went through the roof, as people were buying them to burn their eyes out with the chemicals after seeing Cheggers in the altogether. A fine piece of marketing strategy, he has made almost £10 in the last 5 years. Amazing.
Posted by whizkidd
Whats the eight?
Posted by methylated_spirit
1. James Bond
2. luxury toilet paper
3. kebabs
4. Guitar Hero
5. processed cheese
6. enchiladas
7. WWE wrestling
8. Clint Eastwood
Posted by Sammy_boy
Great thread this, had me laughing out loud, don't know how I missed this first time round!
Sadly no humourous toilet stories to tell,nearest I have is that I 'followed through' just as I was about to leave the house for work a couple of weeks ago. Had to use the loo pretty quick, which made me about 10 minutes late for work. Needless to say, I couldn't give them the whole truth as to why I was late for work when I finally turned up!
Posted by Cycovision
I once cleared a small bar in london with some incontrollable flatulence caused by a dodgy meal the night before, but touch wood I've never followed-through or such like as yet...
God it was embarrassing!
Posted by leeboy13
i remmeber being a kid and walking up a really steep hill.... every step i took i managed to fart, i was that impressed i continued to do it every step.... about half way, i *cough* laid a rose bud in my tighty whities! never the less i had to go home, shower and get changed
i wasnt that imbarressed tho, found it quite funny actually!
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
On 2005-07-11 19:37:35, methylated_spirit wrote:
Its not a real shit unless you need to take a shower afterwards.
Oh god, I can't stop laughing... Careful, I may need a shit soon
Posted by fatevdestiny
When I was a kid, I was ill and lying on the living room floor currled up and I farted and followed right through.
Needless to say I started crying
Never done it again (touch wood)
_________________
Scottish Meetup Everyone be there
[ This Message was edited by: fatevdestiny on 2008-01-25 12:19 ]
[ This Message was edited by: fatevdestiny on 2008-01-25 12:19 ]
Posted by methylated_spirit
Farting is great. I let out what I hoped would be a deep, machismo bellow, when I was standing at the urinals surrounded by other chaps, and it was one of those whiny, over-long ones, the ones that sound like the squeak you get when you're pinching the neck on a balloon. How embarrassing.
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
Yeah farting sure is great... The first fart I ever did around my girlfriend was when I was lifting her up once. But I lifted her up rather quickly and with this jerky movement, out squeezed a nice loud fart. She didn't realise what it was until she noticed how embarrassed I was!
Its ok though, she was the first one to let rip out of us
_________________
[ This Message was edited by: Muhummad-Oli on 2008-01-25 12:35 ]
Posted by max_wedge
On 2008-01-25 13:19:36, methylated_spirit wrote:
Farting is great. I let out what I hoped would be a deep, machismo bellow, when I was standing at the urinals surrounded by other chaps, and it was one of those whiny, over-long ones, the ones that sound like the squeak you get when you're pinching the neck on a balloon. How embarrassing.
yeah that's embarrassing indeed!
Meths what you said about the joy of a good shit, man, your analogies have had me cacking myself for the last half hour.
Usually when in "polite company", and I desparately have to let one out to prevent internal haemorrhaging, I slip a long silent one out. I find it hilarious and usually give myself away by laughing uncontrollably when people look around wondering who did it. If you can prevent your self laughing it's even funnier because you can enjoy it for longer!!
Nothing funnier than making a few stuffed shirts squirm
Lifts are good.
Posted by max_wedge
I hate spending ages laying freakin' loo paper on the seat, only to sit down and realise you don't need to go after all.
Or needing to go badly, and the only loo available has piss all over the floor, shit on the seat, and you are so desparate to go you wipe the seat, put five layers of paper down, gingerly take your shorts off so that they don't touch your shoes or the floor, hang you shorts on the door latch, (where they could fall any second into the puddle of piss, but all the clothes hooks have been ripped off the wall) then go with a "YEEEHAAH" as you release that curry from the night before, sweat breaking out on your brow. Then, you realise you've used most of the toilet paper on the seat, wipe using two squares and your undies, stand up and peeling the five layers of TP from your arse, carefully put your pants back on sans undies, flush, and get the f... out of there!
And through all that you are sweating you'll fumble and drop your mobile at any second into the pit of despair under your arse and around your ankles...
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
@max_wedge: Hahahahaha, that was hilarious!
You had me laughing uncontrollably there!
I absolutely hate public toilets. It always seems to be that you can judge a place by how nice and clean the toilets are.
Posted by methylated_spirit
What makes me sweat are the ones that are a little too wide for comfort, the ones that you do with a look of apprehension on your face.
Posted by max_wedge
that's the true look of fear. You know you have to push it out, but you don't want to...
Posted by fatevdestiny
I hate it when you go into a public toilet and ur at the urinal but u cant do a p!ss until you have a fart lol
Posted by methylated_spirit
Just had quite an aggressive "bungles finger" there
Posted by Sammy_boy
I really shouldn't be reading this thread whilst eating...
Posted by max_wedge
nah, I enjoy eating too much. I can eat pretty much no matter what's going on. Fart jokes, foul smells, naked ugly people, baby shit on the walls, you name it
Posted by Trev1982
my friend has a habit of setting his farts on fire, but 5 times out of 10 he follows through he's such a tool
Posted by max_wedge
my arse is too hairy to try setting my farts on fire. I'd end up with third degree burns for sure
Posted by methylated_spirit
Not really urinary or faecal in nature, but i twisted a bollock and spent Tuesday in hospital. So embarrassing
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
Twisted a bollock... How did you manage that?
Posted by paul101
i got locked in a port-a-loo, then it decided it would give itself a wash out with loadsof water
Posted by methylated_spirit
I woke up and it was sore. Quote from Wikipedia:
Torsions are sometimes called "winter syndrome". This is because they often happen in winter, when it is cold outside. The scrotum of a man who has been lying in a warm bed is relaxed. When he arises, his scrotum is exposed to the colder room air. If the spermatic cord is twisted while the scrotum is loose, the sudden contraction that results from the abrupt temperature change can trap the testicle in that position. The result is a testicular torsion.
Posted by paul101
too much detail!!!
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
Hahaha, thats hilarious... Cold round your parts then?
Posted by methylated_spirit
Indeed it is, yes. The west coast of Scotland is notoriously freezing.