Posted by DJcreamz
im not buying wieghts or any gym equipmnt, i need beer money.
im doing it on the cheap
Posted by methylated_spirit
Sh!t yourself thin!
Posted by DJcreamz
im not fat
if i shit anymore i will seise to be
i have the build of say, Luke Chadwick!!
i need to increase the mucsle to bone ratio
i fear one day i shall snap
Posted by methylated_spirit
If that dreaded day comes, dont worry, the advice thread will repair your snappage!
Posted by DJcreamz
I decided id rather just have a beer belly
Posted by methylated_spirit
Ahhh, another problem solved!
Posted by Glenny
everybody hates me and i hate myself, i am bullied everyday and have no friends. SOLVE THAT
nah, try and solve this though, im 14, and my wrist are about 8cm thick and about 5cm depth ( thats small) and its really worrying me im gonna snap ma wrist
have fun working this out
Posted by DJcreamz
i do hope i dont tread on any toe's by offering this piece of advive
try mastabating, it will strengthen ur wrist aswell as you bicep, use baby oil to avoid chaffing
Posted by methylated_spirit
Glenny, a teaspoonful of bicarbonate of soda in a glass of water, and down it! Tastes foul, but its full of all sorts of vitamins and goodness that help strengthen your bones.
Next!
I'm amazing.
Posted by chili
Dear M. _spirit:
'Tis my utmost fervent hope that this letter finds you and M. -inside in robust bodily health, jolly cheerful disposition and generous wealth as our Lord may deem just to bestow upon your goodselves, and with confidence I daresay that it is an overflowing cup, seeing as I do your selfless devotion to the Laffenshire county.
With rapt attention I devoured the case of your patient under the moniker "Glenny." (Esato 03/06/05 issue, p. 74). Not having been halfway through reading I became certain that I had to once more look at what I had been turning my eyes away from all these years, and this time never to look away again, for it would nevermore permit me to do so.
It has been twoscores and seven years since my mother did her duty of bringing me into this world, the twelfth of nineteen obedient godfearing children of which I am the only male.
For a man of my age I have been declared in the pink of it as per results of my visit to the family physician on the twenty-sixth of last month. However for purposes of the problem that I have endeavoured, albeit with much contemplation, self-doubt and trepidation, to finally lay at your doorstep and for which I shall be eternally grateful for a favorable response, I must state that I have not always been so; in my youth I was of reedy built, ochre skin and a constitution characterized mainly by ceaseless sneezing, eye watering and frequent trips to the toilet.
Perhaps needless to mention I was constantly beaten up. Our biology teacher (M. GOwhere) explained it philosophically, that the weaker species are annihilated by the stronger ones, that this is the natural order of things and therefore the divine will. Our philosophy teacher (M. Scotslad) explained that it was a biological problem and should never be explained philosophically; in other words I should beef up and kick the bloody hell out of those dickwads (pardon the language but those were his words.)
Which brings us to my current problem, which despite my use of a pseudonym I cannot bring myself to be published in your good paper. Kindly see your private missives (PM). And may you be so kind to publish your proposed solution in vague enough terms to protect my privacy. I know it shall benefit the entire Esato readership nevertheless.
Yours faithfully,
M. Fauchevelent
Posted by batesie
i have a problem, i get a thirst for beer after about 12 hours of not having any, and my mouth goes dry and i start paceing around the house if there isnt any in the fridge....
Posted by methylated_spirit
Chili:may i recommend digging the metaphorical sand from your vagina so you can relax, share your problem! I dont bite, im here to help!
Batesie: start smoking crack, you wont care about beer (or much else, in all honesty) then!
_________________
Hello, Scroto!
[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2005-06-03 15:26 ]
Posted by batesie
mmmm, but isnt crack worse?
Posted by methylated_spirit
You wont be thinking about the beer, though, which is what you wanted!
Posted by batesie
sorry i dont want to smoke crack. any other ideas.
Posted by methylated_spirit
Wean yourself off it slowly, over a period of several months. Sweat when you get up in the middle of the night for a piss, snap angrily at your friends and loved ones for no reason, suffer the endless cravings...thats the way to do it!
Posted by methylated_spirit
Ok peeps, anyone else needing some patented "meths medicene"?
Posted by methylated_spirit
Mystic Meths is here to answer your problems! Come one, come all! Don't be shy! Theres a methylated_genius right here to sort out your woes, worries, problems, quandries and phobias!
And remember: I'm listening.
_________________
Hello, Scroto!
[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2006-01-12 13:34 ]
Posted by jenbones
Here's a blast from the past...
Meths i'm losing my memory help me!!
Posted by vanquish
stop drinking red bull! ive told you before, and stop dieting and botoxing its not good for you jenny
Posted by methylated_spirit
Well, one problem with memory loss is remembering your PIN numbers and things. Simply write them down, and place them in your wallet with your bank cards, clearly identifying which PIN number is for which card. That way, you'll never be stuck!
Posted by batesie
genius....
why didnt i think of that
Posted by methylated_spirit
Just read this thread from end to end...i dont remember doing half of it!
Posted by methylated_spirit
No problems? Everyone happy and healthy? Liars! You are all decrepit, woe-addled husks! You need my help. It works like this, i lay it out for y'all to play it out, ya dig? Booyah!
Posted by *Jojo*
@meths - Is Mince still active in this thread
Or perhaps at Esato at all 
Posted by methylated_spirit
No, mince opened a YMCA hostel and now spends his time looking after young men, washing their underwear and towelling them off when they come out the shower.
Posted by batesie
i miss mince
Posted by methylated_spirit
And he misses you.
Posted by *Jojo*
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Just what I though back then That he's a child MOLESTER . . .
Posted by methylated_spirit
I'll tell him you said that and he'll come and molest you
Posted by Cycovision
Not so much a problem for you to solve, but certainly a question I've always wanted answering conclusively:
Why do dogs sometimes scoot along the floor on their backsides? Somebody told me that it's because they've got worms, whilst someone else reckoned that it's because they've got a gland under their tails.
Which is correct, my wise, wise friend?
Posted by methylated_spirit
Well, worms can certainly be a cause, its itchy you know. Ter glands thing is also true. On either side of a dogs rusty bullet hole, there are two glands, which secrete the territory-marking scent into the dogs wee and poo. Sometimes these glands can get blocked, and need to be gently squeezed, which releases a stram of fluid from the gland. This stuff stinks. In fact, squeeze hard enough, and you've got a fetid canine water pistol!
Posted by Glenny
:S tasty...
ill post a serious problem
ok, i have some good friends, but im the 'scapegoat', they take the piss outta me alot, and sometimes it does hurt. Im in a band with em, and its going well, but they seem to be thinking about kicking me out... also ive had so many good times with them, and still am... i dunno what to do
and ive got an itchy arse, so im gonna try and squeeze my glands
Posted by *Jojo*
Been reading all the post from page 1 to 17 . . . but something happened to that . . . I just miss the good ol' days
Mince and Kim now gone . . . though Mince manages to pop-up from time to time . . .
Meth's the only one left to answer your problems here . . . .
Posted by methylated_spirit
Glenny, its a tough one. Groups of people have characteristics. There is always a joker, a pervert, a sensitive one, a scapegoat, a bully, and the one at the back who tries to light his farts. You appear to be the scapegoat in this gathering. Doesn't mean they don't love you, its just unlucky!
Posted by leeboy13
meths, youre a legend mate
i have one for you tho buddy
why is the pleassure so much more intense than teh pain with regard to 'Athletes foot' ?
Cheers
Posted by The Lostprophet
my question is why is blue called blue?
Posted by leeboy13
coz its blue.... obviously id wait for teh 'official' answer from the main man first, but im confident it is because its blue which in turn is a mixture of yello and green
shazam!
Posted by methylated_spirit
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Well, its a bit like this. You know when you are walking down the street, and you've got an itchy 'Japanese Flag?' Well, it feels so good when you finally find a private spot, and get a finger in there and give it a good old scratch. Its a similar thing with athletes foot, when you finally get your shoe off, and rub your foot against the roughcasting. Its an almosty sexual resease. Well, it is for me, anyway.
Posted by leeboy13
i like the comparison
i think that answers my question - so your saying (to sum up) because its like sex....
Posted by methylated_spirit
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Well, back in 1976, Professor Lewis Haribold, a lecturer at Stanford University, discovered that by mixing blue and green paint together, he got a new colour! For 12 years he tried to call this colour yelreen, but nobody seemed to like it, until one day he was watching porn, or a "blue movie" and thought "Hmmmm, blue! That would suit my colour!" And history was made. So, its all thanks to the skin'n'sleaze industry.
Posted by leeboy13
man, are you a teacher? your logic is just amazing!
I feel like ive learnt something today already
Posted by Dicky Snapples
What happens when an unstoppable force hits an unmovable object?
[ This Message was edited by: dicky snapples on 2006-06-29 12:10 ]
Posted by methylated_spirit
A methylated_spirit is created in the cauldren of fire and destruction, like a pheonix from the flames. Its only happened the once.
Posted by fatreg
oh all mighty one..
i've a problem... i've got lots of phones to list on ebay but canny be fudged.. what do you propose i do?
fatreg
Posted by methylated_spirit
I propose you send a few to a mod for playtime giveaways
Posted by Glenny
if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant what do you do?
Posted by methylated_spirit
Ooooh, good one! I would grab some flora that isn't endangered, perhaps, say, a dandelion, and try to entice said endangered animal away from the forbidden fruits.
Posted by leeboy13
how do you deal with teh fact your burnt to a crisp as you fell asleep on the beach yesterday and its insainly how today.... everythings hot mate and need to cool down... so to some up - how do you cool down when everythign around you is soooo hot!
Lee
Posted by methylated_spirit
Aha! Simply attend university for 7 years, on some biology degree or other, then get a tax-payer funded jolly off to the antarctic under the pretense of watching penguins poo and stuff! You'll be cool as a cucumber in no time at all.
_________________
Hello, Scroto!
[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2006-07-03 10:34 ]