Posted by methylated_spirit
He's feeling a little down today, so its our duty to cheer him up. Here's a poem i composed:
There once was a man from Newcastle,
Who tied up a shit in a parcel.
He sent it to Spain,
With a note to explain,
That it came from his grandmothers' arsell.
Posted by *Jojo*
@methylated_spirit - What's the reason mate
!
Posted by energetic
What is wrong with mince-inside?
_________________
My Honda S2000
Bush's stamp
Chain game!
[ This Message was edited by: energetic on 2004-09-02 14:23 ]
Posted by mince-inside
Work is too busy
And I'm all of a tizzy
My Lawyer has warned me
of a pending 'financal catastrophe'
Funny I thought that was the job of my accountant!
PS not very good at limericks
Thanks for the thread - very astute young Jedi @meths
_________________
Pictures in my head
Worst job ever! v's Dream Job
[ This Message was edited by: mince-inside on 2004-09-02 14:34 ]
Posted by *Jojo*
@mince-inside -
Maybe you are just
Worried 'bout the buzz
Don't let this get into you
As we have a frind here in the name of @scotsboyu -(k)
I know he can help you here
With your pending crisis he will adhere
Just don't forget to pay him his talent fee
As he will not let you scot(sboyuk)-free!
Posted by methylated_spirit
There was a young Scot named Mcphee
Who got stung in the balls by a bee
He made oodles of money
By oozing pure honey
Each time he attempted to pee.
Posted by switchbitch
Old mrs hubbard
went to her cupboard
to fetch the old dog a bone.
when she bent over,
old rover took over
and gave her a bone of his own.
Posted by methylated_spirit
There was an old man from Bengal,
who was invited to a masquerade ball.
Arrayed like a tree,
he failed to forsee,
his abuse by the dogs in the hall.
Posted by energetic
A joke dedicated to mince-inside to keep a smile-inside him.
One night a thief decided to enter a house to rob. As he was searching the place with his search light for some goodies a voice is heard:
"Jesus is watching and he's going to punish you!"
The thief stalls for a second and turns around but he see nothing, so he continues his search.
The voice is heard again:
"Jesus is watching and he's going to punish you!"
He turns suddenly and decides to turn on the lights in order to find out what is going on. As soon as he turns the lights on, he sees a parrot looking at him.
The thief asks the parrot:
"Did you said that?"
"Of course!", the parrot says.
The thief asks him: "What is your name?"
"Homer", the parrot replys.
The thief asks him: "What kind of a name is that for a parrot?"
"Why? Is the name Jesus a good name for a Doberman?", said the parrot!
Posted by mince-inside
A German Shepard and Poodle sitting in the vets
German Shepard: Why do you look so down??
Poodle: I'm here for castration
German Shepard: Why?
Poodle: Well, I jumped the fence and gave Fifi the Poodle next door a good seeing to.
German Shepard: Good on ya mate!
Poodle: Why are you here?
German Shepard: Well, my mistress came down stairs last Sunday morning in JUST a tiny T-shirt and as the bent over with my water bowl I just could not help myself…
Poodle: Ah, so you're also here for castration?
German Shepard: No, just my nails to be clipped
Posted by methylated_spirit
Why doesnt michael barrymore have any ashtrays in his house?
He throws his fags in the pool
Posted by mince-inside
The shortest joke:
A baby seal walked into this club...
Posted by methylated_spirit
have you seen stevie wonders wife? Neithers he!
Posted by RichLok
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St.Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact
with a male's privates?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once
touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the TIP OF YOUR FINGER in The Holy Water
and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have
you ever had any contact with a male's privates?" The girl is a
little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St.Peter says "OK, dip your WHOLE HAND in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl
is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front
of the line
St. Peter says "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy
Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her butt in it."
Posted by methylated_spirit
whats the difference between Australian soap opera Neighbours, and Prince Charles?
One has a mrs. Mangle, and the other has a mangled mrs. !!
Posted by masseur
while I know you're all trying to cheer up mince, just a friendly reminder about the real joke thread
Post Your funny Jokes Here
shame IÄm crap at telling jokes so I'll not bother to try!
Posted by methylated_spirit
Two sausages in a frying pan. One says "phew its getting hot in here!"
The other says "Wow! A talking sausage!"
Posted by masseur
Q: What do you do when your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you?
A: Shorten her chain.
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Posted by methylated_spirit
Why are elephants big and grey, and elephant-shaped?
If they were small, white, and aspirin-shaped, they would be aspirins
Posted by 50Cent
off the back of a Wotsits packet...
what do you call a woman balancing a beer on her head and playing snooker?
beatrix potter
what goes "aaaaaaaa"?
a sheep with no lips!
Twista
Posted by plasmadog
chin up mince...
songs that u can listen to:
1. don't worry be happy.. bobby mcferrin
2. tubthumping-chumbawumba
3. pink floyd - run like hell
4. i hate everything about u- ugly kid joe
5. bruce springsteen - born to run.
that help?
else :
tequila!
Posted by mince-inside
Ah old school jokes..
What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out ya underpants?
Ya Gran on the washing line!
Posted by methylated_spirit
Feeling better, mince? Did we bring sunshine to anotherwise crappy day? Gang, give yourselves a cheer!
Posted by mince-inside
Yesh - drink is the answer!
Posted by Lynx69
32
_______________________________
How do you confuse a wanker?
little miss druggy sat in her buggy smoking an ounce of weed.along came a spider skinned up beside her and sold her a kilo of speed
_________________
*Trader's Guild*
...Wow 1100+ posts... 
Cats have 9 lives, people have 1, mess with wiv me and u'll have none!
Dont hate the player-Hate the game!
[ This Message was edited by: Trigga69 on 2004-09-02 21:17 ]
Posted by kimcheeboi
| Quote: |
|
masseur! shame on you!
when is it 12 o'clock in the jackson home?
when the big hand touches the little hand.
Why did michael jackson go to k-mart?
he heard boy's pants were half off!
little frankie, johnny, and bobby were sitting at the table, getting ready to eat breakfast. Mom comes up and asks, "So, frankie, what will you have?"
Frankie replies, "I'll have the fu*king waffles."
Outraged at this obscenity, mom sends frankie off to his room with a smack on the rump.
She then asks johnny, "What will you have?"
Johnny replies, "I'll have the fu*king waffles."
This time mom's really pissed and yells at johnny to go to his room IMMEDIATELY.
She finally asks little bobby what he would like to eat this fine morning.
Bobby replies, "Anything's fine, but I'm definitely not eating the fu*king waffles!"
"I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out."
-George Carlin (i think)
Posted by mince-inside
The following is more for @switch but everyone else can enjoy.
HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2004
HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
GLASGOW REGION
Name...........................................
Nickname......................................
Gangname....................................
1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?
2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding
will cost him . And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?
3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?
4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?
5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?
EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?
EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION
Name..........................................
Rugby Club..................................
Daddy's Company.........................
1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?
2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?
3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His
daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?
4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges a week, but has sex with her
whenever she wants it Jasmin's Life Coach charges a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which One Of The Women Weighs 19 stone?
5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone
begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?
HIGHLANDS REGION
Name..................................
Glen....................................
1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay 6p for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?
2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?
3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?
4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?
5. Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!
Posted by methylated_spirit
mince: that is sweet!
Posted by mince-inside
Still waiting on the anwers to the Edinburgh paper from @switch
Posted by RichLok
Orale, what image do people have of us Mexicanos.. hahaha!!
A Mexican lady was walking along the bank of the Rio Grande when she stumbled upon un old empty cerveza bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it,and a la ve, a Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE weesh. She said to the Genie "
I heard from mi prima that I coo get three weeshes if I ever found a Genie.
The Genie said, "Oh no, sorry, esa. Three-weesh genies are a story-tale myth.
I'm a ONE-WEESH Genie, Uno, no mas! So... que quiere? The lady didn't hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with eash other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americanos. It will bring world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Orale! BE REASONABLE!
These countries have been at war for thousans of years.
I'm out of shape after being in that bottle for five hundred years.
I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it can be done.
"PLEASE make another weesh and please be reasonable."
The lady thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never bean able to fine the right man.
I want a Mexicano boyfriend... You know, one that's DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, nice y fun, likes to Cumbia and helps with cleaning la casa. I want him to be great in bed and gets along con mi familia, and is FAITHFUL and doesn't throw chingasos at me.
That's what I weesh for... a good Mexicano man.
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his cavesa and said, "Chingada vieja!
Let me see that freakin' map again."
Posted by Scorchio
Who are the coolest people in a hospital?
The ultrasound technicians!