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Posted by cyanx7
tell him to shape up or lose it, cavey!

after all u're supplying expert clientele...


Posted by JwY
haha yeah the nuns one was good

Posted by Eleventy7
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor
and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to
go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the
can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy
in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in the north of england


Posted by cyanx7
i had heard that one but with an angolan soldier and a russian grenade... very funny still.

Posted by JwY
lol

Posted by cyanx7
check this one out (it's a translation... let's see if i get it right...):

A guy was walking a large menacing dog and he unleashed it so the monster could run a little. 5 minutes later he can't find the dog so he starts looking 4 it.

another guy with a little kid by his side goes to him and asks: 'sorry sir, are u looking for a dog?'

the dog owner answers: 'yes, my dog BRUTUS is missing... did u see it?'

the guy says with a reluctant look: 'sir... i'm sorry to say that my jack killed u're dog!'

the dog owner looks @ the kid and answers laughing: 'u must be confusing dogs mister... my dog's a PITT BULL, u see...'

the man answers with an even more reluctant look: 'and my jack is HIDRAULIC...' *points at kid and finishes* 'THAT is my son Tommy...'


_________________
The garbage man is happy as a young maiden losing virginity...
I GOTTA GARBAGE THREAD WITH MY NAME ON IT! YEAH!
Shithappens just became my blood brother and Bjerkebanen my blood sister...

[ This Message was edited by: cyanx7 on 2003-07-25 19:12 ]

Posted by ShawO
erm... i think portugese jokes are kinda outta frequency to me

anyways...

This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan:
Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W,
Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

RESPONSE
Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20;
Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.

You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervised their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451of the Public Acts of 1994,being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers-be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State-I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten

Posted by Eleventy7
that's brilliant

nope i think the translation from portuguese must've lost something with that other joke tho

Posted by Diggs09
Here's one I got sent today, sorry if it has been posted already.


A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks
around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The
fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for
a couple of hours. The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the
priest says no.

He baits the hook for him and says "give it a shot father". After a few
minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the
boat.

The fisherman says, "Whoa ! Look at the size of that f#cker!"
Priest : "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman (THINKING QUICKLY): "I'm sorry father, but that's what this
fish is called - a f#cker!"
Priest : "Oh ! I'm sorry - I didn't know"

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the
bishop.

Priest: "Look at this big f#cker"
Bishop: "Please mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: " No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called,
and i caught it. I caught
this f#cker!"
Bishop: "You know. I could clean this f#cker and we could have it for
dinner"

So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and takes it to Mother
Superior.

Bishop : "Could you cook this f#cker for dinner tonight ?"
Mother Superior : "My lord ! What language !"
Bishop : "No, sister, that's what this fish is called - a f#cker !
Father caught it, I cleaned it and we would like you to cook it."
Mother Superior : "Hmmm. OK, I'll cook the f#cker tonight."

Well the pope happens to be in town so he stops by for dinner with the
three of them. The Pope finds the fish delicious and asks them where
they got it.

The Priest: "I caught the f#cker !"
The Bishop: "I cleaned the f#cker !"
Mother Superior: "And I cooked the f#cker !"

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, but then
takes of his hat, puts his feet up on the table, rips a long fart,
lights up a spliff, pulls out a can of lager and says, "You know, you
c#nts are alright !"


Posted by Eleventy7


Posted by JwY
haha nice guys
cy the translation was a bit messed?

Posted by cyanx7
it wasn't easy... i had to improvise. u see 'jack' in portuguese is named equal to 'monkey'... so the line would be: my 'monkey' killed u're dog (which is hillarious to begin with)... well at least i tried.

nice pope joke btw... and the beavers were something else...!

Posted by Eleventy7
Poker Closet
Maids.


Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, so the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
___________________________________________
During a long rain delay, a baseball color commentator decides to kill some time by sharing a little trivia with the play-by-play announcer.

"I'll bet you don't know who hit the most home runs between 1955 and 1975," the color man says.

"Everyone knows that," says the announcer, "Hank Aaron."

"How about who had the most RBI's between 1955 and 1975?"

"Easy," says the announcer, "Hank Aaron again."

"OK, here's a harder one. Know who got hit on the chin with the most balls between 1955 and 1975?"

"I'm not sure on that one, but I'm guessing Hank Aaron."

"Nope," says the color man, "Liberace."

Posted by Eleventy7
Company cars are better than regular cars because...

1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.

2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.

3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.

4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private cars.

5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked nearly so often.

6. They have a much tighter turning radius.

7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.

8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.

9. They do not have to be garaged at night.

10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning light on.

11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.

12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.

13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the car is still in forward motion.

14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.

15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by the adjustment of the radio volume control.

16. No security is needed. They may be left anywhere, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition.

17. They have special batteries that can be drained and jumped repeatedly without damaging the electrical system.

18. They come with "temporary" spares that are good for 50,000 miles.

19. They have specially reinforced bumpers for moving annoying objects, such as shopping carts and sub-compact cars in parking lots.

20. All repairs can be accomplished with the cheapest after-market parts available.

21. Parking brakes do not need to be dis-engaged to drive.

22. When parking on a hill, it is safe to leave it gear and ignore the parking brake.

23. The upholstery is impervious to stains, burns, and makeup.

24. They are easily parked in spaces intended for much smaller cars.

25. They are bullet-proof, so you can be as obnoxious behind the wheel as you want to be.
_____________________________________________
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on
the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it
starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished
it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it
was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it!" She blows her top, "You Bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to
run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean
and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. " Aw f**k, it's started."

Posted by Eleventy7
One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring then said, "Isn't having nine babies a little much?"

"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."

"Yes," said the priest, "your legs!"


Posted by Eleventy7
A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a House of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted? He said, "I want to have s e x with one of the women inside.

I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it!.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the
only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have s e x with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the Dose that I just caught".

"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter
home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it".

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and ...........

HE'S the bastard who ran over my FROG!"

Posted by shithappens


talk bout planning...totally wicked

by any chance is the little boy's name bush jr

Posted by N.M.E.
heh...this is a fantastic thread!
hours of entertainment :P

Posted by toughluck
Colonoscopies


A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies

1."Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2."Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3."Can you hear me NOW?"

4."Oh, boy, that was spincterrific"

5."Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6."You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7."Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8."You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey."

9."Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

11."Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12."You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13."Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

Posted by shithappens


Posted by Vlammetje
A Crappy Date (A True Story)

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.

Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater

Posted by JwY
haha

havent seen u for a while mr shitter

Posted by shithappens
@vlam:

@jwy: howdy mate....hope the blackout din really affect ya....they're saying to watch out for a baby boom 9 mths later hows it hanging mate.....classes gettin to ya yet, like it did to diaper boy???

Posted by JwY
it will soon

i was out of power for 13 hours!!!!
some ppl were worse tho

Posted by Vlammetje
Heard about the guy that died coz the airco switched off and could no longer cool his skin?? Poor bastard, he'd had an electrical shock a couple of yrs ago that burnt him badly... survived..... now he dies coz the thing that failed to kill him finds a new way of torturing him. Poor soul.

Posted by Caveman
The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we
have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the
crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well,
Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to The Inland Revenue"
"Inland Revenue...?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue "...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you"

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs as soon as possible due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5- day / 20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another
20 lbs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you're mine."





Posted by JwY
yeah too bad for him
pretty messed up
i'm suprised at ottawa tho
someone during the blackout stole a bus
but the cops got him
heh

Posted by Vlammetje


Cavey... those are hilarious!

Posted by Caveman
Thanks Vlam However, the credit for the jokes has to go to my joke supplier

Posted by shithappens




my compliments to your supplier then

Posted by tranquil
A story from http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-784800,00.html

August 19, 2003

Burglar who got a head start in going straight
By Andrew Norfolk



A BURGLAR received the shock of his life when he broke into the flat of a conceptual artist and found himself face to face with what appeared to be a severed human head in a jar.
Richard Morrison, 37, had constructed the head from bacon and put it in a sweet jar full of formaldehyde. When the thief broke in and saw it, he was so traumatised that he fled the property and alerted Merseyside Police to the existence of what he believed was a real-life Hannibal Lecter.

Detectives obtained a search warrant and kicked down the door to Mr Morrison’s flat to search for evidence of a gruesome murder, but found only the product of a student’s art foundation project.

When Mr Morrison returned to his home in Wavertree he found that his flat had been broken into twice in a few days, first by the burglar and then by detectives.

Mr Morrison, who is a part-time artist and works for the Criminal Records Bureau, has received a full apology from the police and a promise that they will pay for a new front door.

He said yesterday that he was quite proud of his “naive conceptualist” creation, inspired by the work of Damien Hirst and Tracey Emin.

“I made the mask — of bacon sewn together over a wire frame which I’d pressed over my face — when I was on an art foundation course two years ago. It just seemed like an interesting concept. It’s obviously a very macabre piece of work and I suppose at a glance it looks like a head, but I never expected it to get this reaction,” he said.

“Two CID officers turned up and explained what had happened. They told me that the burglar was terrified,” he said. “He had a crisis of conscience and confessed his crimes to his mother.”

Mr Morrison added: “I gather the police were bracing themselves for a Silence of the Lambs moment when they broke into my flat.

Chief Inspector Stephen Naylor, of Merseyside CID, said it that would have been “a dereliction of duty” if the police had not followed up the allegation made by the burglar, who had been arrested for a separate offence.

A police spokesman added: “He thought he saw a head in a jar. It was obviously a very serious allegation and it was important that we investigated.”

The burglar, who has not been named, had taken items worth hundreds of pounds, including a digital camera and tape recorder, before being scared off by the mask.





Posted by p800Ed
What's Brown and Sticky?

a stick!



Posted by Vlammetje
Good gawd tranquil, that is too funny!
(man i gotta start building a head, model it after me roomie and I'm guaranteed burglar free! )



Posted by Eleventy7


A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chili.

The waitress says, 'The guy next to you got the last bowl.'

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal,
but the chili bowl is still full.

He says, 'Are you going to eat that?'

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."

He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down,
his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl!

The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
________________________________________________________
Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"

Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."

They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."

The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."
__________________________________________________
A guy walk’s into a bar and says to the barman “Six double whiskeys please” the bar pours the shots and the guy knocks them back one after the other.
“Another six” says the guy, the barman obliges, and the guy knocks them back.
“What’s the occasion” asks the barman “Just had my first blow job” the guy replies “Great!” says the barman “Let me buy you a whiskey”, “No thanks,” says the guy ”if those 24 whiskeys don’t shift the taste nothing will”
____________________________________________________
Johnny overheard his school chums talking about something called a "Vagina" one day. Curious, he went to his father and asked him exactly what it was.

"Johnny," His father explained, "A vagina is something of great importance and wonder to men and boys alike. It's something volumes of books have been written about, men have fought wars over it, throughout the world men worship it like a God. Before sex it's the most beautiful thing you'll ever see."

Johnny thinks about this for a minute and asks "What about after sex daddy?"


Daddy looks at Johnny and says "Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
________________________________________________
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered
around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she
gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have
some problems so wanted them to work on it while still there.

She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in
school."

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and
she said, "But Miss Lewis, not even when things are all f**ked up?!"
_________________________________________________
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets
full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful
blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his
bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,
"It's golf balls."

Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him
thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain
her curiosity any longer, asked:

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
_____________________________________
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex,
marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with
my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy
replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"


A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad,
where did all of my intelligence come from?" The
father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from
your mother, cause I still have mine"


"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very
carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've
decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very
fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now
and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"


A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar,
and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he
finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket,
then he ordered another double scotch. After he
finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt
pocket and ordered another double scotch. Finally, the
bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks
all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look
inside your shirt pocket before you order another,"
The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my
wife When she starts to look good, then I know it's
time to go home,"


A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and
said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a
great cook and really good with the kids.


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40
years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to
tell me the exact words that were used to put the
curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I
now pronounce you man and wife
_____________________________________________
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
____________________________________________
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he demanded.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife. "He said 'You look great from here too.'"


Posted by Caveman
(I think). Heard the 'shrimp' joke a couple of years ago though.

Posted by Yoeppie
Blonde Nun

One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."

Posted by Eleventy7


Posted by JwY
heh

Posted by shithappens



Posted by fcd

Sorry, it’s the translation from a joke I heard in a movie, in French, so pardon me for the wording & vocabulary:


There is this one guy, who is the world-most renowned hunter. He tracked and killed everything he could, in every part of the world.

Having won all the prices and competitions, he gets bored.

But then one day, a Hindu-looking guy knocks on his door and says to him:

“I know you are a well-known hunter and that you believe that you have nothing left to do to prove your bravery. Still, if you come with me to my country, I will show you the biggest and fiercest bear man has ever seen. And it’ll be yours to kill, if you can.”

The hunter agrees to accompany the Hindu to the remote parts of India. So he packs his guns and goes. The trek is long, and the party finally arrives at dusk on top of a hill. The Hindu gets to the hunter and shows him:

“Over there the is a lake. Besides it, you can see there is a big-big rock. This is where the bear sleeps every day. And every morning at dawn, he wakes up, stretches his arms and legs and goes singing ‘pum-pum pudum pum…’ ”

So the two settle the camp for the night, and the hunter readies his gun for the next morning.

Minutes before dawn, he gets to a clear spot on the top of the hill, adjusts his gun and waits for the bear. The Hindu wisely retreats to “have a better view…”

As the sun starts rising, the hunter sees the bear wake up and emerge from behind the rock. The bear stretches his arms and legs, and starts singing “pum-pum…”

At that exact moment, the hunter aims his gun and shoots a big bullet that slashes the air and reaches to the bear. But before it hits him, the bear does (Matrix style) turn on himself, stop the bullet with its paw and throw it on the ground.

The bear turns into the direction of the hunter, gets really mad and starts running to him. Within a few seconds, and even before the hunter could actually move, the bear is on him, lowers the guy’s pants and f***s him hard… The bear then returns to the lake and his singing…

The Hindu calls for helps, and the hunter is taken to the hospital in Bombay where he undergoes heavy surgery, etc.

After four weeks, he his out, and goes back to the very same spot to kill the bear.

At dawn, he waits patiently for the bear to wake up, holding a helicopter machine gun (you know kind of big thing sending 100 bullets per second) in his hand.

The bear wakes up, stretches his arms and legs, and starts singing “pum-pum…”

At that very moment, the hunter pulls the trigger and 1000 bullets lacerate the air aiming at the bear.

But as he was to be hit, the bear bends Matrix-style again and avoids every bullets.

And, again, he gets really mad, within seconds is on the hunter, lowers the guy’s pants and f***s him harder.


Two month later, after getting out of the hospital, the hunter goes back to the hill, with a huge rocket launcher with laser aiming system and stuff. He waits patiently for the bear to wake up, and when he first hears “pum…”, he pulls the trigger.

The bear smashes the rocket with his bare claws, gets really angry and runs to the hunter who is so astound he cannot even move.

The bear gets to him, stares at the hunter and says:

“C’mon, be serious, admit that you didn’t really come here to kill me…”



Posted by Eleventy7
yeah heard that one before

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
_______________________-
Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."

She says, "Smell the rim."

Posted by shithappens
smell the rim!!!! darn that's gross

eleventy7, i think u just spoilt me apetite this morn mate

Posted by Eleventy7
i aim to please

Posted by Eleventy7
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?
_________________________________________-
A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Wal-mart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. He
comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, "Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."
__________________________________________
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."
________________________________
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too much!"He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client.He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was really well hung.She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"
_______________________________
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee."It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.And so it was. And it was...well, good."Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

Posted by Vlammetje
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

Posted by JwY
haha

Posted by shithappens
Life's as such....MISTAKES!!!

If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style...

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident...

If a doctor makes a mistake,
It's an operation...

If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture...

If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation...

If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law...

If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention...

If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion...

If a teacher makes a mistake ,
It is a new theory...

If our boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake......

If an employee makes a mistake,
It is "YOUR GOD DAMN FAULT YOU STUPID MORON"


Posted by __spc__
Sex is boring....

Incest is relatively boring...

Necrophilia is dead boring....

(I used to be a necrophiliac...until some rotten c**t split on me!)

Posted by Eleventy7
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
__________________________________-
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."


Posted by shithappens


baa....moo...wat's the difference


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