Welcome to Esato.com


Pages:
Previous  123 ... 171819 ... 474849  Next


Post Your funny Jokes Here


Click to view updated thread with images




Posted by toughluck
OK, no problem. Did I actually sound too rude? If so - I'm sorry all the more.

Anyway, I've probably heard enough of "making fun" of the French by literally replacing blondes in jokes with them, just because they refused to take part and condone actions they were not mandatory to.


Posted by Eleventy7
okeydokey. The piss-taking of the French on my part isn't purely to do with the recentworld events, it's because i'm British, and the British have always taken the piss out of the French, it's only the yanks that have only just caught on

Posted by kath
somethin to laugh about?
http://www.esato.com/board/viewtopic.php?topic=31189&forum=6&


Posted by Vlammetje
ghosts ....

Posted by Jowi
PLEASE DON'T LAUGH

A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen."

Posted by Vlammetje
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Posted by shithappens


Posted by Vlammetje
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.

"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,

"Are my test results back?"

=====================================================

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

=====================================================

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He asked her why she was going.

She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."

He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.

His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"

"I''m going too!" he replied.

"Why?" she asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"

=====================================================
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

=====================================================

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

=====================================================

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

=====================================================

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Quiet!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”

“And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

=====================================================

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear.
She said, ''Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!'' The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, ''Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!'' This time, he figured he'd better look into it.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him. ''Excuse me sir, could I help you?''

The elderly man looked up and said, ''Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..."

The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!''


_________________
JB's girl

[ This Message was edited by: Vlammetje on 2003-06-22 16:50 ]

Posted by Vlammetje
After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.
There, he was greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.

Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

=====================================================A grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table. 'What's this!?' demands the grandfather.
'It's a condom," replies the grandson sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?' asks Gramps.

The grandson is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies, 'I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

To his surprise his grandpa says, "That's a great idea," and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Oh, big enough to fit a camel."

=====================================================

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter.

The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?''

The Russian says, ''What's a steak?''

The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''

=====================================================

"If you could cook," said the husband, "we could fire the chef."
"If you could screw," replied the wife, "we could fire the driver."

=====================================================

[b[Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies[/b]

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

=====================================================

Female Rejection Lines

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad.

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.

7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.

6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.

5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.

4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you.

3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.

2. I'm celibate. Translation: I've sworn off only the men like you.

1. Let's be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.

Top 10 Male Rejection Lines (Translated!)

10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: You're ugly.

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: You're ugly.

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You're ugly.

7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: You're ugly.

6. I've got a girlfriend. Translation: You're ugly.

5. I don't date women where I work. Translation: You're ugly.

4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: You're ugly.

3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: You're ugly.

2. I'm celibate. Translation: You're ugly.

1. Let's be friends. Translation: You're sinfully ugly.

=====================================================

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

=====================================================

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
show up naked,
bring beer.

=====================================================

Things I've Learned from My Children

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.

11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

=====================================================

One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh.

A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?"

The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."

=====================================================

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”


Posted by ShawO

oldies but goodies

Quote:

On 2003-06-22 17:29:55, Vlammetje wrote:
"Are my test results back?"


wow, even singapore jokes reach the netherlands

Posted by Vlammetje
emptying my email

Posted by Vlammetje
Owww, there's more of the same...:Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good of man.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that it would be a martyr.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

L.A.P.D.: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

GEORGE W. BUSH: The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run!

*yawn*


Posted by jellyellie


hehe great vlamm

Posted by Jowi
PLEASE DON'T LAUGH

A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen."

Posted by shithappens


Posted by toughluck
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
(two things require clarification)

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It's not about system power, it's about operating system, and the system operator's competence.
It probably refers to Independence Day.
The invading aliens had insect-like social structure - they would be completely loyal to their higher cause, and would not rebel, let alone break access into computers - so in such a society there would be no hacking, no viri, no data leaks. Likewise, there would be no security issues (Microsoft would reign supreme ), so computers would be very easily accessed from outside, as no computer security would be implemented. Since no member of the 'hive' would ever deliberately let harm happen to anyone of his fellow race, everone could have access to everything - including the infamous shields.


-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

This is so simple, it hurts. An electrified (sp!) fence made of a good conductor should have an about equal potential (voltage) in each point (maybe only about one thousandth percent lower in points between power delivery modules), which should equalise on the entire fence (so even if one of the power suppliers went down, the fence should have lower potential on its entire length. That means that a boy clutching a fence would be exposed to voltage (between limbs) not higher than 0,01 volts (a rough estimate). Human body is also far more resistive than wires, so there would be next to none current moving through him.
The only moment of shock would be when the power was turning on (which is shown in the movie) - until electrons find the best path, they move chaotically, so some of them could move through his body, albeit for a short time, causing shock, but not actually being significant enough to kill or do any lasting damage. What makes me wonder more is how the boy survived a ten metre fall on his back and didn't get his spine broken...
Another simple to notice thing: have you seen birds sitting on power wires? Their voltage is high enough to kill a man in fraction of seconds, let alone a small bird. The trick is - they have the same potential on each of their members touching a wire. Had they touched another wire, or the ground, they would be toast.
The same would happen in Jurrasic Park - had the boy been standing on the ground instead of having his legs reaching the same potential as his arms, he would be toast in seconds (I'm not referring to being dead, but being literally roasted there).
The voltage applied was DC, not AC, and that means that the voltage would quickly stabilise on the fence, and not change directions, so the shock (had he clung to the fence) would be one-time, and without repeating. Had it been AC, he would not "fall off", but alternating current (AC) would keep him clung to the fence, and eventually kill him - if not immediately on the fence, then by causing prolonged heart disorder (prolonged is a bad word here, since he would live minutes, and (depending on the time he would be clung) they would have no possibility to help him (especially without specialistic equipment).

Edit:
Oh, and had a dinosaur been clung to said fence with all fours, and not touching the ground with his tail, he would have survived as well, feeling only a small tingle. Moreover, dinosaurs could very easily break down such an eletrified fence by simply jumping on it, and jumping off, without touching either the fence, or the ground simultaneously.

[ This Message was edited by: toughluck on 2003-06-23 09:37 ]

Posted by Vlammetje
Oh boy, and here I was, thinking this was the joke-thread!!! Thanks tough luck, for helping me out.

Posted by toughluck
Oh, yeah, that's right - forgot about one thing:


[ This Message was edited by: toughluck on 2003-06-23 19:51 ]

Posted by jamesward
i know this isnt a joke, but a questions, i have nowhere else to put it. how do you get all the smilies, is there a list somewhere, i know the obvious ones etc, but what about the others?


just one, its naff (and old):

whats blue and f**ks grannies?

hypothermia.


whats red and cant turn round in corridors?

a baby with a javelin through its head

Ho ho ho

Posted by Vlammetje
when you post again, look at the bottom and there will be a link to smilies

the third option under ur post hit smilies, it'll take you to FAQ good luck

(also, other ones can be inserted as a regular picture form the net)

Posted by ShawO
u mean like this?
@ vlamm
oh wow... so cuute

Posted by Eleventy7
In a trial, in a small South Carolina town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in and asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help her God.


She said, "I do."

She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit, paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. He slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?"

Posted by nocturnalchipmunk
good one.. ...Mr. Bradley?

Posted by Vlammetje
Well well..... NOW we know what u're up to!!

Posted by Eleventy7
One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all
of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she
landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch
asked why he was crying.

"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog
games. Boo hoo."

"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her
magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking
himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked
an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some
things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix
things up for him.

So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.

Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the
skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a
thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink
elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.


"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their
elephant games. Boo hoo."


Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic
looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright
heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she
waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he
noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch
about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just
couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.


At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where
the wizard is", he sobbed.


"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good
witch.

Posted by Eleventy7
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that
they
don't sell bum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures
the
pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a
regular
basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry,"says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at
it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the
container "To apply, push up bottom."


Posted by Jowi
im to her
apartment
& said: "tie me to the bed & do what black men do
best!" So he ran off
with
her TV & DVD player...!
***********************************************************
Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me
every morning
Husband: "I wish you are a newspaper TOO my dear...so
I can have a NEW
ONE
every morning!"
***********************************************************
A Chinese couple was married. When baby born, eyes
were big & blue,
Hair was curly & blonde, skin was brown.
Finally, name of the baby was ... SAM TING LONG
("something wrong")
***********************************************************
A lady visited her doctor one morning.
Doc said: "U look so weak & exhausted! Are u eating
your meals 3 times
a day as I advised?
Lady: "Doc, I thought u said 3 males a day!"
***********************************************************
A camel & an elephant met & elephant asked: "Why do
you have your
breasts on your back?"
The camel responded: "What a silly question from
someone who has a
dick on his face!"

Posted by shithappens


Posted by shithappens
Stress Reliever # 1

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other
problem can there be greater than this one?"
_____________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

_____________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 3

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
_____________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of
the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
_____________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER
WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
_____________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
_____________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls
Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
_____________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 9
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
_____________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 10
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"


Posted by JwY
this stuff is golden!!

Posted by Eleventy7
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple
of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears
out of nowhere "
__________________________________1. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we know?
2. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
4. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
5. And while we're on the subject, why do "fat chance" and "slim chance"
mean the same thing?
6. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
7. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?
9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
10. Why is it called "after dark"? Isn't it really "after light"?
11. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
12. Why do "wise man" and "wise guy" have opposite meanings?
13. What about overlook and oversee? They have opposite meanings too.
14. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
18. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read alright?
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know
the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. This is the one you'll all be thinking about for a while ...
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Posted by ShawO
@toughluck
we're waiting for your reply anxiously

Posted by shithappens
Fact : A woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into
an inch diameter vagina in pitch dark without
looking, but cannot park a 6ft long car in a
7th long parking space in daylight!

-----------------

The 69 position is like driving in rush hour, the
asshole is always in front of you!

-----------------

Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell. They do not yell. They do not
tell. They do not swell and there are no wedding bells!

------------------

The Pussy Poem

This is a hole that never heals,
the more you rub it the better it feels.
But all the soap from here to hell,
can never remove that f**kig smell.

-----------------

Question : What is the difference between a chicken
and a baby?
Answer : A chicken is the result of a SITTING HEN
whereas a baby is the result of a STANDING
COCK!
------------------

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we
would be still be in paradise. Why?
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of
the bloody apple!
------------------

Q : Why do men snore when lying on their backs?
A : Because their balls flop over their asshole
and this causes an airlock!

-------------------

Q : What is the difference between a black and a white
fairy tale?
A : White begins "Once upon a time......."
Black begins "Y'all mo'fuckers a'int gonna believe
this shit......"

---------------------

Q : What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE
CURTAIN?
A : When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is
over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is
SHOWTIME!

---------------------

Q : What is the similarity between a wife and a
chewing gum?
A : Both are sweet in the beginning but become
tasteless and shapeless later.

---------------------

Q : What is the strongest muscle?
A : Tongue. Because it can raise woman's hip with
just one lick.
Q : What is the lightest muscle?
A : Penis. Because it can be raised by a woman's
lips!


Posted by JwY
haha
props 2 shits

Posted by shithappens
Simon Simpleton applied for a deputy sheriff's job. During the interview, the sheriff asked hin, "What's one and one?"
Simon answered, "Eleven"
This wasn't what the sheriff meant, but he had to admit the boy was right.
Next question: "What two days of the week start with the letter T?"
"Today and tomorrow"
The sheriff was impressed by the way Simon thought outside the box, so he challenged him.
"Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Simon looked surprised and admitted, "I don't know"
"Well go home and work on that one for a while" replied the sheriff, satisfied that he'd stumped him.
Simon went home and told his mother, "The interview went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case"

______________________________

"Young man, where do you work?" the judge asked the defendant
"Here and there" replied the man
"What do you do for a living?"
"This and that"
"Take him away" said the judge
"Wait a minute!" the defendant cried out. "When will I be released?"
The judge replied "Sooner or later"

Posted by Eleventy7
On a business trip in Mexico, three men get drunk and wake up in jail to
learn they will be executed, although none of them can recall what they
did to deserve it.

The first man put in the electric chair is asked for his last words.
"I'm from Yale Divinity School, and believe in the power of God to intervene
on behalf of the innocent."

The switch is thrown, but nothing happens. The jailers figure God wants
the man alive and they let him go.

The second man is strapped in. "I'm from Harvard Law School, and believe
in the power of justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

The switch is thrown; again, nothing. The jailers think the law is on this
man's side, so they let him go.

The last man says, "Well, I'm an electrical engineer from MIT, and you're
not electrocuting anybody if you don't connect those two loose wires
down there."
________________________________________________________
A business man got on an elevator in a tall building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying,"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again answers "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F. It means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T - - - Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Posted by shithappens


Posted by JwY
haha
where do u guys get this stuff?

Posted by Eleventy7
the big jokes database on the 5mb Hard-drive in my head

Posted by Eleventy7
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done
anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
high-testosterone bikers who
were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily
tattooed
biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his
nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now
or you'll
answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

Posted by shithappens


a good samaritan is a dead samaritan

nice one eleventy7

Posted by Jowi
Very funny, must read.

Ah Soh wants to buy a TV set. She goes to a shop.
Ah Soh : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !"
Ah Soh : "Give me a green one, please "


=============================================================Ah Soh is filling up an application form for a job.
She supplied the information for the columns on
Name, Age,  Address etc
Then she comes to column on "Salary Expected"
She is not sure of the question.
After much thought, she writes " Yes "


=============================================================Ah Soh goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Soh : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Soh : "What does it do ?"
Saleslesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Soh : "I'll buy it"
The next day, Ah Soh goes to work with her thermo flask
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Ah Soh : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do?"
Ah Soh : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it ?"
Ah Soh : "Two cups of coffee and a coke" (^_^)


=============================================================After taking photocopies of documents,
Ah Soh always compare it with the original for spelling mistakes.

=============================================================Ah Soh always smile during lightning storms
Because she thinks her picture is being taken.


============================================================= How can you tell if the fax is from Ah Soh ?
Because it has a postage stamp on it.


=============================================================Why can't Ah Soh dial 911 ?
Because she can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.


=============================================================Ah Soh and her friend board a double-decker bus.
Her friend get a seat downstairs and Ah Soh goes upstairs.
After a while, her friend goes upstair to look for Ah Soh and find her clutching the seats in both hands and her body is shivering
Her friend : "What happened to you ? why are you shivering, I was enjoying my ride downstairs"
AhSoh : "Yeah, but you've got a driver but I don't"

Posted by shithappens



Posted by ShawO
oldies but goodies...
only thing replace 'ah soh' with 'a blonde'
oh well...

Posted by shithappens
works either way mate....

Posted by Sjemboll
An old bloke in the nursing home couldn't talk. One day, while he was sitting in a chair,a nurse walked by and noticed that he was leaning to the right. She sat him upright in his chair and told him to sit still. A while later, the nurse came by again, and this time she noticed that he was leaning to the left. She straightened him up and told him again to sit still, or else he might fall out of his chair. The next time she made her rounds, she saw the old guy leaning forward, about to topple headfirst to the floor, so she tied him into the chair for his own good. Later on in the day, his daughter came to visit, and seeing her father strapped into his chair, asked him what was wrong. The old bloke handed her a note, which she unfolded and read. It said, "They won't let me fart."

=====================================================

Two drug dealers are arrested and appear before a judge for trial. Both men are convicted, but the judge agrees to suspend their sentences if, as a community service, they speak to youngsters and successfully steer them away from drugs. They accept and report back to the judge one week later. The judge asks the first man, "How successful were you getting kids off of drugs?" He replies, "I did very well. I stopped 36 kids from doing drugs." "That's great," replied the judge, "How did you do that?" The man says, "Well first I drew two circles like this." "And then," he continued, "I pointed to the big one and said, 'This is your brain before drugs." "And then I pointed to the small one and said, 'And this is your brain after drugs." "Well," says the judge, "its simple yet effective." He asks the second man how he did. The second man responds, drew two circles just like he did, but I got 100 kids off drugs." "Wow, that's amazing. What did you say that worked so well?" "First I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before jail!"

=====================================================

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

=====================================================



Posted by shithappens
On 2003-07-03 03:02:15, Sjemboll wrote:
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.



7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

shhhhhhhh!!! ouch!!!


Posted by Vlammetje
There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" He replied, "It's my bird!"
She ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz. Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her.

She replied, "I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest."

Posted by JwY
omg
how can he sleep through that?
would he be rudely awakened?

Posted by shithappens
obviously he wuz high on weed


Pages:
Previous  123 ... 171819 ... 474849  Next
Click to view updated thread with images


© Esato.com - From the Esato mobile phone discussion forum