Posted by Caveman
The following are all replies that women have put on British Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the Country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's ?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given] mine might have remained unfertilised.
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
Posted by Jowi
> > > GIRL:;forgive me father ihave sinned
> > > PRIEST:What have you done my child?
> > > GIRL;I called a man a son of a bitch.
> > > PRIEST;Why did you call him a son of a bitch?
> > > GIRL;Because he touched my hand.
> > > PRIEST;Like this?(as he touched her hand)
> > > GIRL;Yes father.
> > > PRIEST;That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.
> > > GIRL;Then he touched my breast.
> > > PRIEST;Like this?(as he touched her breast)
> > > GIRL;Yes father.
> > > PRIEST;That's no reason to call him a son of bitch.
> > > GIRL;Then he took off my clothes.
> > > PRIEST;Like this?(he takes her clothes off)
> > > GIRL;Yes father.
> > > PRIEST;That's no reason to call him son of god.
> > > GIRL;Then he stuck his "YOU KNOW WHAT" into my "you know where.
> > > PRIEST;Like this?"as he stuck his ----! into her ----!
> > > GIRL;YES FATHER,YEES FATHER,YEES FAAAATHER!!
> > > PRIEST;(After a few minutes)Thath's no reason to call him a son of a
> > bitch.
> > > GIRL;But father he had aids!
> > > PRIEST;OH HOLY SHIT THAT SON OF A BITCH!
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
Posted by Jowi
Cum boy...get real! you got a reply w/in a minute of interval? have you read the joke? or just posting smileys!
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
i reed it.. wy do you think i post so fast.. im a fast reader and writer
Posted by BS'n
hvat
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
do not post her bs'n
Posted by nocturnalchipmunk
...look who's talking..
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
know you can post...
Posted by Vlammetje
This is a JOKE thread!!!!!!!!!! so let's joke!
A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"
The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
Posted by Jowi
VERY FUNNY!
Read on... this is both informative and VERY FUNNY!!!
Ladies, no pun intended.
"VAGINITIS"QUERIES IN THE FEMINA MAGAZINE
These letters came in response to an advert in a South African woman's
magazine called Femina. All of the extracts are from people whose first (or second) language is NOT English and who live a very rural existence.
Back in 1985, SA Femina Magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a
medicine for the treatment of a vaginal infection known as Vaginitis.
The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide, most of
them from women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was wrong with them.
The letters were collected by the advertising agency that created the
Femina ad who swear that every single one of them is genuine.
Herewith extracts from some of the most hilarious:
1. My interesting language is English, so you better send me an English
copy of your vaginitis.
2. Please send me the following symptoms: itching, discharge,
unpleasant smell. I am one of those with a virginal problem. I will be very
grateful if my disease were acceptable.
3. Dear sirs, greetings as patient to you, but I have not got enough
time to express my sickness over this paper. I want to come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this Nelex. The trouble is my
vaginitis and that I'm so ugly.
4. How can I get vaginal infection? Most chemists cannot help.
5. Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex?
My husband is not happy with the behaviour of my vagina at bedtime.
6. Please send me more information about these vaginal erections. My
symptoms are some of the ones you didn't mention, so please send me another medicine. Every boyfriend left me and made another girl pregnant, so maybe you can help me. With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vaginal infection very handy and unavoidable. I tried Dettol, Omo (a washing powder) and also pure brandy. All in vain. My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the weather is cold or foggy.
7. I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news about
my virginia pains during intercourse, even when I'm not having intercourse
at. I use to have sex eight to ten times a day. Now I am very dry. I went
to the hospital and they told me I have too much sex. Maybe I should move to Durban for the humidity.
8. I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with Virginial
infractions? Last night the virginial infections suddenly attacked me. What do you want me to do?
9. Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it. My
virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband alone, but he says
I am a bitch. I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia for me?
10. I really want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant. The first
time noticed vaginal infection was in your advert. My vargin is beginning
to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes but it doesnt help. Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell. Please send my letter back so I can remember what I have written.
11. Please advertise more so that I can remember that I have an
infection. I stopped having sexual intercourse with my husband, but he
hasn't stopped with me. My problem is I feel itching even when my husband romances me with his erection. I have never told anyone about my symptoms, now I see them publicly advertised.
12. I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was much older
and please reply as soon as it is convenient for me. I have pain during sex and also during intercourse. My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex work like a cork?
13. When I was 13 I spray my vagina with Airoma room freshener, now I
am 18 and I need your help. Please send any good and large information to my suffering vagina.
14. According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered four of them in
my promised one. She urges me so help me to help her. My new address is (address supplied) but please send your reply to my old address.Can I get vaginal infection without prescription?
15. Nelex the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe. My
husband does not know where I live, so we never have sex. I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem. The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody bathed after me in the same water.
16. I have re-organised my virginia recently. It s easy to know when I
have vaginitis, but how do I know when I do not have vaginitis?
17. How are you at that side or Randburg? I hail to you with my wife's
vaginal infection from Zimbabwe but I know that some people order the thing without knowing them of seeing in other words they order them for nothing without using them.
18. I am 20 years old and will be 21 sooner than expected. I cannot
tell my mother about it: she has no vagina.The last time I looked for my
vaginitis I could not find it anywhere.
19. My vagina was discharged recently.
20. My vagina is deceased.
21. I am a doll of 19 and I want to introduce my itchy vagina to you. I
hope you are in a favourable condition for my vaginitis. I have this
virginity disease. I hope my letter arrives at tea time so you can study it
better. I don't know if the smell really comes from my vagina. My nose
cannot reach it properly. But I promise, my body also has some healthy parts.
22. How are you sir? I am very well, but I am also a very sick girl.
Thank you for telling us how to avoid burning and itching virgins.
23. I live very far away, and therefore wander if my letter will reach
you. I am not an ignorant girl, but how can I be sure? Please rescue my
vaginal cavity from attack, sir, and send me this infection quickly. This
Nelex it can help me. I will call my first son Nelex. Also my eyes and kids are itchy. I better stop looking at them. I air my vagina three times a
day, much to my husband's regret. At today's price of water, I'd rather use Nelex. I have five of the four symptoms you mentioned.
Posted by shithappens
Posted by doctabako
@jowi
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
Posted by Vlammetje
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
do you have one more??
Posted by Caveman
@Jowi:
_________________
Reality is just an illusion [ This Message was edited by: Caveman on 2003-06-18 12:48 ]
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
please... i love funny jokes
Posted by Jowi
common filipino grammatical/dictional error
Wrong: FILL UP application form/s
Right: FILL OUT application form/s
(you can FILL UP water/gas tank but definitely, not
application form)
Wrong: Brownout
Right: Blackout
(Brownout is a reduction or cutback in electric
power.)
Wrong: May I know who's ON THE LINE? (asking the
caller her/his name on
the
phone)
Right: May I know who's SHE/HE/THIS/ON THE PHONE?
(On the line means "at stake/risk" i.e. your job is on
the line.)
Wrong: You can DEDUCT it FROM my credit card.
Right: You can CHARGE it TO my credit card.
(You can DEDUCT it FROM my checking or savings
account.)
Wrong: OPEN/CLOSE the light
Right: TURN ON/OFF the light
(This one is easy.)
In a fastfood or restaurant, you don't ask for
TISSUES. You ask for
NAPKINS/TABL E NAPKINS.
Posted by Jowi
ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS RECORDED AND VERIFIED BY THE WORLD FAMOUS INTERNATIONAL INSTITUTE OF ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS.
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now YOU say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a > >sexy message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. > >Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you!!!!
12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Posted by BS'n
hvat is this?
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
hmm.. i don't know...
Posted by shithappens
a fren sent this to me...it's not really that appropriate for this thread but i'd like to share it with u guys anyway:
EASY AND DIFFICULT
Easy is to get a place in someone's address book.
Difficult is to get a place in someone's heart.
Easy is to judge the mistakes of others
Difficult is to recognize our own mistakes
Easy is to talk without thinking
Difficult is to refrain the tongue
Easy is to hurt someone who loves us.
Difficult is to heal the wound...
Easy is to forgive others
Difficult is to ask for forgiveness
Easy is to set rules.
Difficult is to follow them...
Easy is to dream every night.
Difficult is to fight for a dream...
Easy is to show victory.
Difficult is to assume defeat with dignity...
Easy is to admire a full moon.
Difficult to see the other side...
Easy is to stumble with a stone.
Difficult is to get up...
Easy is to enjoy life every day.
Difficult to give its real value...
Easy is to promise something to someone.
Difficult is to fulfill that promise...
Easy is to say we love.
Difficult is to show it every day...
Easy is to criticize others.
Difficult is to improve oneself.
Easy is to make mistakes.
Difficult is to learn from them...
Easy is to weep for a lost love.
Difficult is to take care of it so as not to lose it...
Easy is to think about improving.
Difficult is to stop thinking and put it into action...
Easy is to think bad of others
Difficult is to give them the benefit of the doubt...
Easy is to receive
Difficult is to give
Easy to read this
Difficult to follow
Easy is to keep friendship with words
Difficult is to keep it with meanings
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
lot off that is true...
Posted by Jowi
kinda true
Posted by Vlammetje
True yes, and thanks 4 sharing that shits
Posted by shithappens
not a problem...it's frenship week after all.....or wuz it last week...hmmmm!!!
Posted by Eleventy7
to jowi's vaginitis and anserfone messages¬
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
it this week
Posted by Eleventy7
friendship week..... wtf???
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
thats right...
Posted by Eleventy7
eh?
Posted by Jowi
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SAEED AL SAHAF (former Head of Information, Iraq):
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed I've not been told.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
OPRAH
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together
* in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN What chicken?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken
THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken did cross the road, and there was rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?
HOMER SIMPSON
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n
Posted by Vlammetje
I'm with Homer Simpson
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
i like that about bill gates
Posted by shithappens
| Quote: |
|
why??? dun u haf any frens???? just kiddin
we loves ya all the same...if not more
@jowi:
...i'm with homer too...
Posted by JwY
hey Sonyericsson-man
nice to meet ya
Posted by nocturnalchipmunk
Martin Luther King... sadly.. i can imagine him saying this...
Posted by Jowi
LAWYER LAUGHS
Submitted by iVillager John D.
The following are from a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son--the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Posted by BS'n
what is this?
Posted by Jowi
its a natural court hearing conversations...
Posted by BS'n
ok...
ææ.
he he he he....
Posted by Vlammetje
brilliant
Posted by BS'n
jes. but brileant for me ...
...
Posted by Eleventy7
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had given her a prescription for the male hormone testosterone.
The woman was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places where I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly ! normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
The woman replied, "On my balls."
______________________________________
Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -
fireman, policeman, salesman.
Johnny, however, was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked
him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really good, he'll go out to
the alley with some screaming fag and take it up the ass."
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring and
took little Johnny aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "he's really French", but I was too embarrassed to say"
___________________________________
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks
what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill
me." The other drunk says "do what I do, my pal. Explain to your wife that
some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell
her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes
cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1. When he gets home,
sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes
and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look
for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife looks in the
pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait a minute, I thought you said
the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?" "He did," says the
drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."
Posted by toughluck
| Quote: |
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What has being French got to do with doing for a living???
Really, this "French are (insert anything here)" went far too far.
The original was: "he's actually a viola player, but I was too embarrassed to say".
Why viola? Because that's the least noticed, least played, least highlighted and least respected instrument in a symphonic orchestra.
I will rephrase my first sentence: has being French anything to do with doing for a living, or is the joke just another excuse to make fun of the French?
Posted by Eleventy7
i do apologise, i didn't mean any offense, merely a little humour.
just read the lawyer snippets, very good!