Posted by Vlammetje
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
Posted by Vlammetje
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination ofthe area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do som the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.
Posted by Vlammetje
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
Posted by Vlammetje
Signs You're Burned Out
10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, 'Hell.'
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, 'Get off my back, bitch!'
8. Your garbage can IS your 'in' box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still haven't been able to miss a meeting.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
haha.. thats a good one
Posted by shithappens
good one vlam.....welcome to the funny thread too gal....
Posted by jellyellie
i like the lightbulb one
_________________
I guess I'm the youngest T610 owner
[ This Message was edited by: jellyellie on 2003-06-09 10:27 ]
Posted by Eleventy7
nice one vlamm, you've been busy!
Posted by jellyellie
lol she's just trying to make us think she's not up to anything
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
is she?
Posted by jellyellie
hell, it's a bit obvious!!
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
am i??
Posted by jellyellie
lol no you dippy
well, yeah, you are...
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
oki...
Posted by jellyellie
okey dokey drink some cokey
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
i don't like coke... only fanta
Posted by jellyellie
i like dr pepper
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
dr pepper?? whats that?
Posted by jellyellie
a nice fizzy drink
in england we only get the one on the left and very occasionally the white one nearest to the left
_________________
I guess I'm the youngest T610 owner
[ This Message was edited by: jellyellie on 2003-06-09 14:52 ]
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
ok, who do they tast???
Posted by jellyellie
have you tried cherry coke?
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
yes.. in germany a long time ago
Posted by jellyellie
it's like that but a bit more fruity, more cokey
_________________
I guess I'm the youngest T610 owner
[ This Message was edited by: jellyellie on 2003-06-09 14:55 ]
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
ok..
Posted by jellyellie
you should try and try it sometime
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
we don't get it her
Posted by jellyellie
shame
what do you get?
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
coke and peppsi
Posted by jellyellie
is that it?
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
jepps..
Posted by jellyellie
you said fanta earlier
don't you get that?
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
i meant everything of the coca cola comapny and peppsi
Posted by jellyellie
oh ok
but dr pepper is by the coca cola company
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
ok.. send one to me than
Posted by jellyellie
you have to pay for it
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
ok
Posted by jellyellie
it's too heavy to post though
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
why??
Posted by jellyellie
because it will cost a lot to post
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
i can send you the mony
Posted by jellyellie
lol really?
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
jepps
Posted by shithappens
@guys: wud appreciate if you take the chit chat to the other threads and not here ok...thanx...
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
ok.. i will remember that
Posted by Vlammetje
Thanks Mr Sh*tter
my tots exactly now lets talk some REAL garbage here 
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
real garbage?? explain..
Posted by Vlammetje
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''
Posted by ShawO
*gasp*
im breathless...
that 1 sure is classis
Posted by Vlammetje
hehehe, it's an old one but it's just funny as hell
Posted by Sir-SonyEricsson-man
that was a really good one.. copyed and past in my collection