Posted by nocturnalchipmunk
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke ... and well worth the wait! An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
_________________
Nocturnal Chipmunk Proud Owner of a T68i [ This Message was edited by: nocturnalchipmunk on 2003-04-05 08:15 ]
Posted by Eleventy7
now that's a real oldie-but-goodie chipmunk! It was originally an englishman, an irishman, and a scotsman m8, i remember that from primary school bout 17years ago now!
Posted by impac2
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry
answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a
test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks
at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree, The teacher asks,
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Now no reactions or special face symbols on Harry's
face. He was so cool!
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
Harry: Shake hands
Teacher: What is it that a woman has two and a cow has four?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry: legs
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, answer me.
Harry: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
Harry: tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tensed.
Harry: wedding ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in
'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
Posted by mkt
It has already been posted in this thread.
Posted by ('',)bluemint
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself
to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down
and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes
the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast
is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot break-
fast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table,
eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and
gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave
me alone, I'm married'!"
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by francine
man, why can't jokes be shorter, easier to read
hahahaha
Posted by cyanx7
must try that one myself...!
Posted by Eleventy7
Some short ones just for you then Francine:
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."
*********************************************
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."
************************************************
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my goodness!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
Posted by francine
ow my!!!! holy cow!!!
Posted by ShawO
@eleventy7
2 oldies but goodies and the 3rd 1s new, nice too
and would you stop editing them jokes...
cant u leave them pure and virgin? :lol
Posted by leibniz
On having business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Chinese prostitute in Hong Kong.
Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird, green, festering sore growing on his penis.
He went to the doctor, Doctor Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.
Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.
Joe contacted Doctor Smith and showed him the green growth.
Doctor Smith said, 'I am sorry but Doctor Jones is correct. We must amputate right away.'
Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an
oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time.
He went to Doctor Chu Wong.
Doctor Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said, 'These Western doctors - so quick to Chop, Chop, Chop. Amputation not necessary'
Joe was relieved. Doctor Wong said, 'You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own.'
- - -
Two men walk out of a bar and notice a dog laying on the side walk licking it's dick.
One man turns to the other and says "I wish I could do that."
The other man replies, "You probably can, but you had better pet him first."
- - -
A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor guy breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He precedes her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm, doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, he stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"
Posted by cyanx7
the 3 are a must... "hong kong dong"
Posted by leibniz
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
Posted by Eleventy7
leibniz - a collection of goodies mate
shawo - what did i edit then m8?
Posted by leibniz
And here is another for anyone interested...
- - -
Guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch."
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
Posted by ShawO
@eleventy7
erm not sure... i forgot
Special Hymns
The Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn: He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician
For those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45mph: God Will Take Care of You
55mph: Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65mph: Nearer My God To Thee
75mph: Nearer Still Nearer
85mph: This World Is Not My Home
95mph: Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100mph: Precious Memories
Three men in a sauna
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand."
The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said... "Well, will you look at that,
I'm getting a fax."
When men lie...
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me.
But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives,so *that's* why I said yes this time."
The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honorable and useful reason !!
AIR INDIA
Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for their in-flight meal,the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!" So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me,what is that drink?" he asked.The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said "Milk of India!"
The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting."And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American. "What is it?" asked the American."Sweet of India!" replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!" from the uncle. "What was that?" asked the American in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"
Posted by Eleventy7
Young Gunslinger
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything
to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time,
but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated
at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer,
bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said,
"Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high.
Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44
and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.
That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, t
hen shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
"See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano,
he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."
The Wife
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,
when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed that
one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough,
there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it
stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor. "
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!".
I don't remember much after that."
Snow
A lady goes on a vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband
had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man,
and after a night of passionate love making she asks him,
"What is your name?"
"I can't tell you" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again
what his name is and he always responds the same, he can not tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell
me your name?" "I can't because you will make fun of me" the
black man says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady
bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says,
"I knew you would make fun of it" the black man says.
The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me
when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the
Caribbean!"
France
You are the President of the United States and NASA tells you that a
large meteor is heading straight for Earth and it will strike
France at 2:00am one month from today.
France calls and begs you to use all your available arsenal to save it.
You know that by doing this it will take away from the buildup in the
Middle East and hurt the war against terrorism. If you don't, France is toast.
Here is your dilemma: Do you stay up and watch it live,
or tape it and watch it in the morning?
Blondes and flying
One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how to fly a plane.
The guy at the airport said there were no more plane flying
lessons this year but she could take helicopter lessons. The
blonde agreed and the man taught her and said, "I'll radio you
every 1000 feet you go in the air." The blonde agreed.
He jumped in and took off. At 1000 feet, she radioed him and
asked how she was doing. He said she was doing great. At 2000
feet, she radioed him and asked how she was doing. He said she
was doing great. But right before she got to 3000 feet, the
propeller stopped and she started twirling to the ground. When
she landed, he went over to pull her out of the helicopter. He
asked her what went wrong because she was doing perfect before.
The blonde said, ''At 2500 feet, I started to get cold so I
turned the big fan off.
Blondes and coffee
When a blonde finally got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked,how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, "...and upon rising the coffee is ready!"
A few weeks later the blonde wife was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't
understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
_________________
Mornin.
Deize!
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-04-08 13:51 ]
Posted by leibniz
A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, gratefull as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.
The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal", the sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done." The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal." The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done". The king, happy as can be, stabs his horse and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horses genitals." The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done".
The king, still happy, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle, in the doorway he meets his friend Peter, jumps off the horse and tells Peter that he's now immortal. Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says "Here stab me with the knife." Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal, and replies "That's not even the best part look at this" and the king drops his pants. Peter looks at the naked king and screams out loud "Damn that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen..."
Posted by Eleventy7
Posted by cyanx7
GREAT ONE!!!
Posted by leibniz
An old man and an old woman used to sit in the nursing home all day watching television together.
The old woman would sit there holding the old man's member. The nursing staff tried to get them to stop it but couldn't and decided to leave them alone. Since they weren't hurting anyone, they just put a sheet over the couples lap and kind of ignored it.
But one day the old man didn't show up and when the old woman saw him in the dining hall later that evening she asked, "Where were you today?"
"I watched TV with Martha today" he said quite matter of factly.
With slight cynicism in her voice, the old woman said, "What's she got that I don't have?"
The old man paused and said, "Parkinsons."
Posted by Eleventy7
another goodie
A Toast
One evening some men were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest over
who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!," Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself!You know, he's only been there twice!
Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
Bad Doggie
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary,
so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
His wife sounded suspicious, but said "Ok, I understand."
After work he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky,
so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up
for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet,
pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
Blondes and monkeys
Space Shuttle launches with the following crew; two monkeys and a blonde.
Once in orbit, NASA is heard.
"This is Houston, could monkey number 1 please carry out your task."
Monkey number 1 jumps over to the console, taps in a few instructions
and a sattelite is promptly launched.
"This is Houston, could monkey number 2 please carry out your task."
Monkey number 2 jumps over to the console and enters the commands
to return the shuttle to Earth.
"This is Houston, could the blonde please ca..."
"I know, I know... feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."
_________________
Mornin.
Deize!
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-04-09 13:54 ]
Posted by leibniz
Here's another oldie that I haven't heard for years ...
- - -
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right.
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers . He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't", replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."
Posted by Eleventy7
not heard that one b4 but it's a goodie!
Posted by shithappens
awesome....simply awesome.....
sign on a car sticker: "Speed on brother!! Hell ain't full yet"
Posted by mkt
Nice!
BTW, My post No.500!! 
Posted by leibniz
Well done mkt !
btw, where did you get the party hat smilies ? Did you create them special for this occasion ?
- - -
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: A dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, a Star of David.
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...... Now, look again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
[ This Message was edited by: leibniz on 2003-04-10 18:44 ]
Posted by toughluck
Posted by Eleventy7
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
Partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear and tell him he will be granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded
by 50 beautiful women.
He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the
floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then there is a knock at the door.
He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu
Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and
hang him by the neck until he is dead.
As they are walking away, the Klansmen remove their hoods; it's the two
blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other,
"You know, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful
women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him
wanting to be a millionaire but to be hung like a black man is beyond
me".
******************
Argue with a child.
Whales.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow A human; it
was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
***********************
Chivalry has changed from the days of
Sir Walter Raleigh, but contrary to rumor,
it hasn't died out altogether:
A man will still lay his coat at the feet
of a pretty girl; the difference is that
nowadays it's intended to keep her back
from getting dirty.
_________________
Mornin.
Deize!
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-04-11 13:52 ]
Posted by mhorton
Another good one from you Kev!,
Posted by Eleventy7
cheers mark
Posted by gigolo (",)
Posted by ShawO
did bluemint forget his password or is that a newbie
Posted by Eleventy7
Five surgeons are discussing who make the best patients to
operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered,"
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians.
Everything inside them is color-coded,"
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left
over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said
it would."
But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all
up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus
the head and ass are interchangeable."
Posted by cyanx7
i seriously doubt Napoleon would agree...
Posted by leibniz
of course not.
How can a dead man agree with *anything* ??
Posted by cyanx7
don't u believe in life after death?
Posted by jellyellie
oh i remember that song
Posted by cyanx7
iron maiden... ah, those were the days...
Posted by Eleventy7
they also did a tour i think called Live after Death.....
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession
to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks
the
wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service
and
get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that!" She claims.
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down
the
phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you
doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to
call
room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that." Again she claims.
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his
wife
a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself
over to
the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room
service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!"
Posted by jellyellie
Posted by Eleventy7
ellie ur too young for jokes like that, avert your eyes!
Posted by jellyellie
you call that bad, after the Eric story??
Posted by Eleventy7
i've not had the pleasure of reading the eric story yet....
Posted by jellyellie
you need to get down here right now and read it!!
Posted by Eleventy7
i can't, i'm scared of the commitment
Posted by jellyellie
lol you'll love it
Posted by leibniz
A western reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about that land. He meets an old man in a village and asks him about any memorable events in his life.
The old man says "well one time my donkey got lost, so me and my neighbors got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the donkey. Then we drank the vodka and one by one started screwing the donkey, it was a lot of fun."
The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.
The old man said: "well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some vodka and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the vodka and one by one screwed the neighbor's wife. It was a lot of fun."
The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.
The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said: "Well, one time I was lost........"
Posted by cyanx7
nobody can lose this joke...