Posted by mhorton
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHLE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
Posted by orang3
tht is a good 1 mate ..
Posted by Eamonn
that last one is funny
Posted by mhorton
Posted by mixin
they're quality
Posted by Unibond
Great one mhorton
T.M.
Posted by mhorton
Thanks
Posted by josch
he guys,
now i will try to tell a joke.
2 friends in a bar
the 1 have a blue eys.
the other friend ask , what is happen?
answer
i dont know all what i have said was !! you!!
not more?
no
yesterday i come home. on the table a bottle champ. and 2 glasses. and my wife said again 1 year is offer without sex.
my answer
for you!!!!!!
[ This Message was edited by: josch on 2002-06-25 10:54 ]
[ This Message was edited by: josch on 2002-06-25 10:59 ]
Posted by mhorton
Posted by Unibond
The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation that
took place in October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of
England, and some British authority. The transcript was released by the
MoD.
BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITS: We are a lighthouse. f**k off.
T.M.
Posted by Unibond
A Nun's Confession
A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.
"Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father
Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the key to Heaven and put it in the gates."
"Why that lying ba***rd !" the Mother Superior screamed. "For years he
has told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing it!"
[ This Message was edited by: Unibond on 2002-06-25 17:45 ]
Posted by mhorton
Only in America...
Jeff Green is a 32 year old American, in Arizona, whose wife passed away.
Due to the grief he suffered at her death, he did something totally out of character for a normal and sane person.
He said, "I could no longer take the pain that my wife's death caused me and so I brought her back home."
His wife, Lucy, was born with a heart condition that cut her life short at the young age of 29. Lucy's last words to Jeff were, "We will meet again in heaven.” but these words were of no consolation in Jeff's despair.
At the funeral, in an act of desperation, Jeff decided that he would not let Lucy leave him.
“I called the cemetery caretaker and explained my feelings." he said later, "I spoke with the authorities and got special permission to take my wife home with me. They thought it strange, but I was allowed to take her with me. I'd rather have her at home than six feet under ground. Lucy had a great sense of humour and I'm sure she would appreciate being my coffee table."
Jeff ordered a special hermetically sealed glass case that eliminates the decomposition of a dead body. "It cost me about $6,000.00, but it was worth it."
Some of his friends and relatives, filled with fear, stopped visiting him, but his true friends respected his decision and continue coming over.
Some even comment that it makes a nice piece of furniture
Posted by brownjs
that is shocking and scary ,weird what an idiot
Posted by Eamonn
Is that a joke Mark?
Posted by mhorton
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life
would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card
said nothing but: "Nescafe"! Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the
kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop". " Mom blushed, but was pleased for her
daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the
card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King
Size" She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the
words "British Airways" Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for
BA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways
Posted by brownjs
ha ha good joke in fact exellent mohorton
Posted by mhorton
ejasim
Take them if you want
_________________
Mark
mark@cruisequest.co.uk
www.cruisequest.co.uk
[ This Message was edited by: mhorton on 2002-06-25 21:47 ]
Posted by mhorton
69 Virgin
An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house of ill repute to experience his first sexual experience with a partner. He approached the madam and shyly asked if he could retain the services of one of her fine ladies. The Madam was happy to oblige and started to rattle off a list of services that could be purchased.... straight lovemaking, 69, bj etc. Except for the straight lovemaking he was unaware of what all of the other services mentioned were but was very curious. After she rattled off the menu the shy polite southern boy graciously asked for "that 69 thing" totally unaware what that might be.
The Madam charged the boy and directed him to the room where this wonderful act would take place. Upon entering the room the boy was immediately pleased by the sight of his purchase and she asked him to disrobe and join her on the bed.
As she was already naked, it seemed alright so he did as he was told and meekly joined her in bed and pulled the sheet over himself. Without warning the lady pulled off the sheet, flipped around and assumed the position.
Other than being shocked by the predicament he found himself in he was pleased at the sensation and shock soon turned to pleasure. Shortly after this started the lady let out ............well..........a small fart.
The boy immediately noticed and although it was unpleasant he quickly forgot about it and continued.
A short bit later the lady repeated this and again although it made him a bit sick to his stomach the rest of the activity was so pleasurable that he dismissed it.
About a minute passed and the boy was now very excited and enjoying his purchase very much when without warning the lady dropped ass again and this time it seemed, at least to the boy that it was getting much more vile and unbearable......so much so that he tapped the lady on the butt, signaling to stop and said in his most polite southern accent "Mamm, I appreciate what you are tryin to do for me and all, but I don't think I can stand 66 more of these"
Posted by brownjs
can i use these jokes for my website?
(under construction , no domain yet using micromedia software will be about different things including mobile phones)
Posted by mhorton
whats the difference between michael jackson and a white plastic bag?
one's white, plastic and dangerous to children, and the other carries ur shopping
Posted by brownjs
great joke
can i use these for my website?
(under construction no domain)
Posted by mhorton
Yeah I have no problem with that
Posted by mhorton
Body Talk
This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.
When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?"
She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?"
She says, "Your name didn't come up."
Posted by orang3
Posted by Eamonn
| Quote: |
|
I meant is that dead woman thing real or not...
Posted by Unibond
One morning, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt
and said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your
girdle." The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast and said,"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." With that, the woman turned and grabbed her husband by his privates. She said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid
of the postman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother."
Posted by mhorton
Posted by mhorton
Lightweight??
Posted by mhorton
Find the apricot...
Posted by Unibond
great photos mhorton, problem is I can't see them directly here. What I do is right click on the red X (photo) then check properties for the url. What is wrong, do I need some special software.
Thanks
T.M.
Posted by mhorton
No I can see them fine. Is anyone else having the same problem
Posted by brownjs
ha ha great jokes keep em coming
Posted by mhorton
Don't worry I will
Posted by brownjs
GREAT THEN
Posted by mhorton
Posted by Unibond
Disgustingly Funny
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day
and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys
having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they are doing?"
And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were
making cakes in the living room last night, eh?"
Shocked the Mother says, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa
PS: mhorton don't worry, sometimes they work other times they don't. Probably my computer is going mad. Thanks anyway
T.M.
Posted by mhorton
Unibond
Okay mate
Posted by orang3
A patient in Woodbridge is singing on his bed.At 1st, he sing with his back lying on the bed......... ~~~~and sing and sing and sing.........
then later, he change his position with his face down
...........
The nurse ask him why he prone on the bed and sing?
He said:" Side A finished liao, now playing Side B "
Posted by orang3
Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words.
> >>Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
> >>
> >>Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with
> >>fire at one end & a fool on the other.
> >>
> >>Lecture: An art of transferring information from the
>
> >>notes of the lecturer to the notes of the
> >>students without passing through "the minds of
> >>either"
> >>
> >>Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by
> the
> >>number present.
> >>
> >>Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way
>
> >>that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
> >>
> >>Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine
> >>will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
> >>
> >>Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
>
> >>
> >>Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, no
> >>body listens and everybody disagrees later on.
> >>
> >>Classic: A book which people praise, but do not
> read.
> >>
> >>Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things
> straight.
> >>
> >>Office: A place where you can relax after your
> >>strenuous home life.
> >>
> >>Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to
> open
> >>their mouth.
> >>
> >>Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know
> more
> >>than you actually do.
> >>
> >>Committee: Individuals who can do nothing
> >>individually and sit to decide that nothing can be
> >>done together.
> >>
> >>Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
> >>
> >>Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
> >>
> >>Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during
> life,
> >>to be spoken of when dead.
> >>
> >>Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he
> >>accidentally falls into a river.
> >>
> >>Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel
> tower
> >>says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
> >>
> >>Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die
> rich.
> >>
> >>Father: A banker provided by nature.
> >>
> >>Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except
>
> >>that he got caught.
> >>
> >>Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and
> late
> >>when you are early.
> >>
> >>Politician: One who shakes your hand before
> elections
> >>and your confidence after.
> >>
> >>Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and
> >>kills you with his bills.
Posted by orang3
http://fotm.rotten.com/fotm/three-monkeys.jpg
Posted by mhorton
That's not nice...
Posted by brownjs
that is bloody digustring and sick
orang3 what do you look up on the net apart from esato cause that is sick . you are aperv
Posted by mhorton
Check out some more of the stuff that's on Rotten.com.
Posted by brownjs
no thanks i do not want those horrible images ingravedin my brain
Posted by mhorton
Some of that is so horrible.
Posted by brownjs
well you should not have che cked it ouy?
oh yeah mhorton did you geta an email from the guy selling t68 for £130 ? (see the forum )
Posted by Eamonn
| Quote: |
|
Posted by mhorton
brownjs
No mate I didn't
Posted by sooty
@mhorton
I've been away for a while, but I have been enjoying your jokes on my return.
Keep up the good work Mark !
Posted by vimto2000
I must apologise for the quality of some of these jokes, but don't shoot
the messenger.....
Seamus was drinking all night at the pub. The bartender finally tells him
its closing time, so Seamus stands up to go and falls flat on his face. He
tries to stand up again but with the same result. So he thinks to himself
that he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober
him up a bit. Once outside, he stands up and again falls flat on his face.
So he thinks, 'Bugger this' and starts crawling home. When he gets to his
front door he tries once again to stand up, manages to open the door but
promptly falls straight back down on the floor. He crawls in and quietly
crawls up the stairs where he manages to pull himself upright by his bed.
He crawls in and falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He wakes up the next morning with his wife standing above him shouting at
him. 'So, you've been out getting pissed again, have you?' Thinking he
hadn't disturbed her coming in the previous night, he tries on an innocent
face and says 'What makes you say that, love?'
'Because the pub called. You've left your wheelchair there again!'
A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He
asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, 'Don't you want to
participate in our competition?'
The guy asks 'What's it all about?' The barman informs him, 'All you have
to
do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint!
If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink.'
The guy replies, 'No I don't think so mate... the steaks are too high!
A man goes to a club and is refused entry.
'Sorry Sir,' says the bouncer, 'but I'm afraid I can't let you in without a
tie. We've had a lot of disturbances recently, so we're trying to attract a
better class of person. No tie, no entry.'
The man walks back to his car in the hope he might have a tie. Instead he
finds a set of jump leads, which he proceeds to wrap around his neck and
tie in a knot. He walks back to the club and says to the bouncer, 'Will you
let
me in now?'
The bouncer looks at him, thinks for a moment and then replies, 'Well, I
suppose so, in you go.'
As the man walks in, the bouncer adds, 'But I'm warning you... don't start
anything.'
Sean Connery gets a call from his agent: 'Sean, I've got you a job. Start
early tomorrow, you'll have to be there for 10-ish'.
Connery furrows his brow 'Tennish? ...But I don't even have a racket'.
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs. She looks
around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very
embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her
little accident.
She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman.
'Good day Ma'am. How may I help you today?'
Very uncomfortable she asks, 'Sir how much does this rug cost?'
He answers, 'Lady, if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when
you hear the price.'
This bloke walks into a pub, and there's a horse behind the bar serving the
drinks. The bloke is staring at the horse, when the horse says: 'Hey mister
- what are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving pints
before?'
The bloke says, 'No, no, it's not that... it's just that I never thought
the parrot would sell the place
Two blondes were both on the elevator in the Admin. Building. A man gets on
who's perfect: Italian suit,handsome, great build with a nice butt, but
unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.
The man gets off on the next floor and once the doors close, one girl turns
to the other and says, 'Someone should give him Head & Shoulders.'
The other blonde replies, 'How do you give shoulders?
A man is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A
passer by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.
'I've locked myself out of my car' replies the man.
'That's not a problem' replies the passer by, 'Step out of the way, and let
me try rubbing my bottom on the door'.
The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in letting the
man try - it might be worth a laugh. The passer by turns his bottom to the
car and slowly rubs it up and down the driver's door. Suddenly, the lock
opens and the passer by turns and opens the car door.
'That's amazing!' says the motorist, 'How did you do it?'
'It's easy' replies the pedestrian. 'I'm wearing khaki trousers.'
A man walks up to the main desk in a library and says in a loud commanding
voice to the librarian, 'I'll take two hamburgers, no mayonnaise, and an
order of fries'.
The librarian looks up at him, shocked. Summoning up all the testy
authority
she can, she says to him, 'Sir, this is a library!'
The man pauses for only a split second and then leans over close to her,
cups his hand over his mouth so as to direct his voice only to her ear, and
whispers, 'I'll take two hamburgers, no mayonnaise, and an order of fries'